For couples experiencing difficulties in their marriage, it’s hard to accept how things have turned out between them. It seems just yesterday when all was right in the world and their relationship was destined to last forever.
When spouses begin to realize that the person they married was not at all the perfect person they assumed they were, it can leave them shaken and even disgusted.
Unfortunately, many couples feel that the only solution is a permanent separation.
And why wouldn’t it seem like a viable option? When a person isn’t happy with their job, the logical thing to do is quit and find new work. Why can’t marriage be the same way?
In a consumer-driven culture that we live in, it’s easy to send something to the trash bin if it isn’t working. Why should a relationship be any less disposable?
However, marriage is not a commodity that you can throw out without suffering lasting consequences.
For instance, when a couple separates because one of the spouses ran away with someone else, the odds are slim for the new relationship to succeed. Whatever unresolved problems were present in the previous marriage are likely to carry over to the new relationship, thus repeating the cycle.
What’s to stop the cheating couple from breaking up for the same reasons?
In short, divorce doesn’t do anything to address the problems in the marriage – it only perpetuates the unhealthy patterns from the past.
Furthermore, consider the legal and financial implications of divorce. Divorce settlements rarely end amicably. Some cases last for months or even years – the longer it goes on, the longer you’ll have to shell out for lawyers and other legal expenses.
Are you really willing to put yourself – and your children – through this kind of stress? Divorce is especially troubling for young children who aren’t emotionally equipped to handle the experience of their parents separating.
Divorce will also create destructive ripples within your circle of family and friends. The rift between spouses can seriously affect your relationships with mutual friends, colleagues and relatives.
Worse, the people in your life will end up polarized and might even feel forced to choose sides.
Having said all that, divorce isn’t a quick or clean way to deal with your problems. All it really does is create more turmoil in your life. Between staying married and separating, suffering the same amount of stress is ultimately an exercise in futility.
Working it out with your spouse isn’t less difficult, but in the greater scheme of things you’re going to save yourselves unnecessary grief, not to mention the horrible feeling of a failed marriage.
Of course there are couples who feel like they can no longer live under the same roof. If you’re in this situation, work out a schedule to reduce your contact with each other for the meantime.
At the same time, you can continue attending to your daily responsibilities (e.g. bills, chores, etc.) and maintain the sense of still living together.
In the meantime, you can give each other the space for personal growth (such as taking self-esteem courses, reading self-help books, indulging in a hobby) while seeing a counselor and doing shared exercises on agreed days during the week.
This way, you can save your marriage while satisfying your individual needs at the same time. When both you and your spouse are positive, happy and confident, you’ll have an easier time being around each other.
As you work through your issues, you can still maintain a relatively stable life together in spite of the challenges you face. Changing your schedule may not be easy at first, but remember that this is only a temporary setup until you can make enough progress for things to back to normal.
At the end of the day, divorce (and its devastating effects) is something you should take very seriously. You may think that you’ll be finally be living the ideal life after ending your marriage, but as we’ve pointed out, this is not the case.
Imagine being in the same situation as you are right now, but without the anger. If you weren’t flooded with emotions, would you still consider divorce as the only option?
Don’t let the heat of the moment cloud your judgment. There are, in fact, other ways to resolve your differences that are far less destructive than divorce.
These are greart words of wisdom but hard to swallow sometimes
Thanks for the sharing.
Its been almost a year since we were separated. My husband was already seeing someone else when we first found I was 2months pregnant. After many crying moments, I moved out of our matrimonial house when I was pregnant.
I went through the pregnancy alone. But he came to the delivery ward with us. My baby is now 7months old (:
We have been together for over 14 years, married for coming 3 years. He started seeing that new person when he embarked on his new pub business in Sep 2010. There were many work troubles and money problems. His business failed and the pub was closed down since May 2011. My husband also got into trouble with law due to his pub and is now facing the charges.
He stays in touch and said words of remorse and regrets. He iften talks about our past and fond memories. He never stop telling how he will always be here for us. But he didnt ask me to stay when I left and he has never ask me to go home.
I am sad. About losing him and our love. But I believe he must have love the person so much that he can leave his prrgnant wife. I decided to let go. I asked him to file the papers.
He hasnt. He is still waiting for the verdict of his case. He is clearing his debts. I do believe he is very stressed and i didnt want to add on to his stress. Not rushing him to file.
I have never imagine that we will have to end our story in a courtroom, but it is inevitable. I tried my best to save our marriage but i guess sometimes a divorce seem to be the only option.
I love him still. And I told it to him. Letting him go is the best
Thanks Hope for your comments!
It sounds to me like he still very much cares for you and wants to be a part of your child's life, but like many men he doesn't express himself or his feelings very well. You yourself said you still love him, but I get a strong feeling you want him to fight for you. Would it be so bad if you just told him how you feel and opened the door to the chance of you living together as a family again? I understand your husband has a lot of making up to do, but part of being a great couple and a great team is helping each other out. If you give him an indication that it might work, it could be all the encouragement he needs. Sometimes loving someone is having a little faith and a whole lot of courage.
Regards, The Save My Marriage Today team
I have been separated on and off with my husband of only 2 years.... i have to admit we got married quickly and have gone through so much but we loved eachother like crazy... over the past months we have been arguing a ot and as i stated before we have been separated on and off for short amount of times but would continue to see each other so if felt like we were together but living in separate homes. Anyway, this past Feb 1st to be exact he decided that it was over and have been completely away from each other.... at first he was stil upset and he tends to show that he is hurting by getting upset or being mesn but i know that his way of trying to block his true feelings of hurt. he would occasionallt text me or email me here and there but up until a month he has completely stopped any form of communication with me. He no longer calls, texts, emails me. I know he is not seeing anyone. I miss him dearly and love him very much and i want my marriage to work... he was not only my partner but my best friend too.... i dont beleive in divorce and although some people have told us that we be better off going our separate ways, i dont agree and i dont give up on us. my parents have been married for 38 years and his parents have been married almost same amount of time... i was raised with believe that marriage if forever and altough its not easy and takes time and effort, but too never give up. My husband tends to be very negative and gives up easily. im just soooo scared that maybe he doesnt want this anymore. I have not called him nor contacted him only yesterday that i sent him an email with updates about my son.(his step-son). he didnt reply at all.
he told me when he broke up with me that he would file for divorce and called 2 of our mutual friends to tell them that he filed and we were done. Although he was drunk!! anyway, i pray to God everyday and now i recently purchased this. I am hoping for a miracle!!!!
Thanks for your email.
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Looking forward to helping you out!
The Save My Marriage Today team
HELLO to my friends out there i am testifying about the good work of a man who help me it has been hell from the day my husband left me i am a woman with two kids my problem stated when the father of my kids travel i never help he was living but as at two weeks i did not set my eye on my husband i try calling but he was not taken my call some week he call me telling me that he has found love some where easy at first i never take to be serous but day after he came to the house to pick his things that was the time i notice that things is going bad i help he will come back but things was going bad day by day i needed to talk to someone about it so i went to his friend but there was no help so i give it up on him month later i met on the the internet a spell caster i never believe on this but i needed my men back so i gave the spell caster my problem at first i never trusted him so i was just doing it for doing sake but after three day my hasbond called me telling me that he his coming home i still do not believe but as at the six day the father to my kids came to the house asking me to for give him the spell work to said to my self from that day i was happy with my family thanks to the esango priest of (abamieghe)esango priest he his a great man you need to try him you can as well to tell him your problem so that he can be of help to you his content email is this firstname.lastname@example.org indeed you are a priest thank you for making my home a happy home again. remember his email is email@example.com
my husband asked to pack out of the house with my kids and go because he wasn’t interested in me anymore. He said all the abusive words and said am not a good wife because I wasn’t working, instead I was wasting his money so contacted this Strong Healer a week ago after reading Miracles about his spell over the net I consulted this strong man for a love spell, crying not knowing what to do. he told me that he will cast a return lover spell that same day. It didn’t take time for my husband to call me apologizing and begging me to come home. The tender that i was waiting for was approved and he started telling me that am a good wife so I must forgive him for the bad things he had said. My husband asked me to look for any University of my choice and will take care of my fees. Am thanking firstname.lastname@example.org for the Faith and Trust he showed me
My husband and I are best friends, we have shared interests and goals but we lost our way. He suffers from a lack of self worth and the physical side of our life has not been great for a long time but there is lots of love and affection and care. He had an affair 2 years ago for only a short time, a few weeks but more recently i did with someone he knows - it was a cry for help I see now, wrong wrong wrong thing to
Ever do. At first he fought for me but I was so
Caught up in the chemistry of something new I couldn't commit and now several months of counselling later he has decided he loves me but not in love with me. We ate still getting on great and spending time together but he still says he wants to separate. I love him so very much, every part of me hurts and my sadness feels overwhelming. I think being apart may help us come back together, I hope so. Any advice is welcome!!!