How to Say “I’m Sorry” and Really Mean It

Sorry can be the HARDEST thing to say to your spouse – I’m sure you all agree!

By saying this, you’re admitting that you’ve messed up and have hurt one of the people you love the most. It’s never easy.

But the thing is, we’re all human and we ALL make mistakes. And unfortunately, sometimes we make mistakes that really hurt our spouses.

When this happens, it’s our job to accept responsibility for our actions and apologize – EVEN when your mistake is so BIG you feel like there is almost ‘too much’ to apologize for.

It’s true that the deeper the hurt, the longer the healing process will take.

But whether it’s after a six-month affair or after forgetting your anniversary, the steps you need to follow when apologizing to your spouse are the same.

Continue below to find out what these steps are, and feel free to share your own thoughts and experiences at the end.

1. Forgive yourself

You might be thinking something like; “How on earth could I ever forgive myself?” or “How can an apology begin with ME?”

But there are several reasons why it is necessary to try to make peace with yourself after you have made a mistake.

First of all, dwelling on self-loathing and remorseful thoughts is going to use up all of your emotional energy.

This is NOT going to be helpful for you or your marriage, as it keeps the focus on the PROBLEM, rather than what you can do to FIX it.

If you can accept the mistake you have made, you will be able to then focus your energy on what you can do to make up for it.

Let me be clear here. By forgiving yourself, you are not clearing yourself of any blame… You freely admit that you’ve made a mistake.

But you are also acknowledging that the behavior you’ve done wrong does not mean you are a bad person as a whole – and you have the opportunity to be your best self from now on.

2. Apologize to your spouse and accept full responsibility

When it comes to saying sorry, the sooner the better. However, an apology needs to be said with genuine sincerity and feeling to be effective.

So you need time to calm down before you apologize to your spouse, take this time. An angry or sarcastic apology will only make the situation worse.

As hard as it is, look into your spouse’s eyes when you go to apologize to them.

Say sorry and explain exactly what you are sorry for. Express regret for what you’ve done and show an understanding of the impact your behavior has had on your spouse.

For instance; “I’m so sorry that I forgot we had plans for dinner tonight. I know how much you had been looking forward to going out and how disappointed and hurt you must’ve felt when I arrived home late”.

Lastly, never never NEVER say “I’m sorry” and follow it up with a “but” or an excuse.

For instance; “I’m so sorry that I forgot we had plans for dinner tonight. I know how much you had been looking forward to going out and how disappointed and hurt you must’ve felt when I arrived home late. BUT the reason I forgot about dinner is because YOU didn’t remind me this morning. You know I’m busy with work and find it hard to keep track of what is going on sometimes”.

This will make your apology meaningless, and even imply that you are BLAMING your spouse – which is only likely to push them further away.

So accept full responsibility for your actions… Do not try to downplay your mistake to make yourself feel better (because believe me, it won’t work!) And focus only on YOUR actions, not your spouse’s.

3. Make promises for the future

Come up with a plan to ensure your mistake will not be repeated in future and communicate this to your spouse. Just make sure any promises you make can be followed up on.

For instance; “I will have absolutely no further contact with that person. I will delete him/her from my phone, Facebook, Twitter, and will let you know immediately if he/she ever tries to get in touch with me.

I am happy to give you open access to all of my accounts and my phone if that would be helpful to you. I promise to keep in regular communication with you about what I am doing and from now on I will always be at home when I say I will.

I really want to make this work and will do whatever it takes. I will clear my schedule outside of work so I can spend as much time with you as possible – as much time as you are comfortable with right now.”

4. Accept your spouse’s reaction

A common assumption that a spouse often makes is that as soon as they have apologized, their husband or wife should stop being angry or sad and give them forgiveness.

And when this doesn’t happen, the apologizing spouse explodes and says something along the lines of; “I’ve just apologized! What more to you want me to do?! Why can’t you just accept it and move on?!”

The thing is, you can ask your husband or wife for their forgiveness, but you can’t FORCE them to forgive you. Whether they do or not is their choice.

So don’t expect anything from your spouse right now.

Yes, you are making yourself vulnerable and yes, it may feel excruciating being met by your spouse’s silence or angry words. This truly is the HARDEST part about saying “I’m sorry”.

But you NEED to accept your spouse’s anger without reacting. Remember, their anger is born from pain.

So avoid acting defensively AT ALL COSTS, even though this may be your first instinct – as it will only undo the good you have just done by apologizing.

And now is definitely not the time to start pointing fingers and trying to get back at your spouse for anything they’ve done.

All you can do right now, as hard as it is, is give your spouse time to come to terms with your apology and see for themselves the changes in your behavior. Forgiveness will come with time.

5. Follow your apology up with positive actions

Saying sorry is important, but it isn’t enough on its own to heal your spouse’s hurt and move forward.

It is the ACTIONS that follow that actually do most of the relationship repairing.

Apologies need to be backed up with positive changes in behavior, as otherwise your spouse will lose faith in you and will become more hurt and betrayed as a result.

If you’ve betrayed your spouse in some way, the biggest key is to be ABSOLUTELY transparent with your spouse in future – do not try to hide or cover anything up.

Keep the lines of communication open and be honest about everything – where you are, what you are doing, who you are with, what you are spending… EVERYTHING.

This might seem over-the-top, but the truth is that your spouse is likely to be feeling very vulnerable right now, and their trust in you has been shattered. So in order for their trust to be regained, you need to leave literally zero doubts in their mind.

And remember, one big gesture of flowers and chocolates after you’ve messed up is nice, but it’s not going to have the same impact as continuous small steps to improve your behavior and show your spouse how much you value them.

Even if your spouse does not accept your apology straight away, DO NOT GIVE UP. By continuing to show how sorry you are through loving actions, you have the best hope of regaining their love and trust.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Recent Posts
"The biggest benefit I have gained from “Save My Marriage Today” was perspective. There were so many lessons about how to look at what was happening in my life from a different angle. I needed clarity and hope and “Save My Marriage Today” gave me that. They used practical tips and things that I could really work on to be proactive in salvaging my relationship with my husband. The true examples from real people gave me insight that you can really survive an affair! This web site is different from many others in that the focus of the “advice” and help really reflects the name ---- “Save My Marriage Today.” Other web sites may not have that as a goal, but the salvation of my marriage was definitely what I was looking for."

-- Rhonda K. (Cottageville, SC)*
"Save My Marriage was very instrumental in helping my husband and myself understand each other by learning to communicate love words, to respect each others space, and to speak up when annoyed and not harbor anger. We were on the verge of divorce, thinking there was no way to repair the damage. Save My Marriage was a God send and we thank you so very much. After years of misgivings we are happy that we joined Save My Marriage and we worked it out and stayed together. We will celebrate our 27th anniversary this year!"

-- Fred and Maureen B.
(Putnam Valley, NY) *
"Since I began reading your Save My Marriage Today newsletters I am changed and I have also given him some newsletters to go through. He has also improved. Thanks so much for your advice and help! Our relationship has made some great breakthroughs and we are soon getting married! After reading your articles we are now in love again and we do as much as we can to create quality time for one another."

--Maureen M.
(Kakamega, Kenya)*
"Save My Marriage Today put it together for me, it made sense and got me to slow down, live in the moment and think about what is really important and how I can achieve it. The weekly bonus emails are great too because they remind me to stay focused and cover new topics I might not have thought about or realized. It takes work and it’s the biggest thing I’ve ever been through but with the right tools I know I can do it"

-- Brett P. (Longmount, CO)*
"Im glad I came across your Save My Marriage Today website. The situations and solutions presented are real, practical and simple to implement. Other websites painted a picture that marriage should be absolutely perfect and have no problems but we all know that's impossible to achieve. However your website has shown me that marriage needs work and a change in certain attitudes and behaviors, and after that things are not as complicated as we like to think. Thanks Save My Marriage Today for a wonderful website and for helping me get my marriage back on track!"

-- Elsa K.
(Nelspruit, South Africa) *
"I found the Save My Marriage Today articles to be very helpful and insightful, and there were times that I thought there was a spy in our home as the articles were so personally related.

We have gone from "I should divorce you" to "Maybe I will keep you around for another 30 years." Marriage is hard work and if you have the right tools and are willing to work with them, you can make it last forever. I think my wife and I are soulmates and I think I would be completely lost without her."

-- Robert and Joanne H.
(Powell River, BC, Canada) *
"My marriage is experiencing a tremendous transformation. I, on behalf of my wife am very grateful to "Save My Marriage Today" for practically saving ours. What makes "Save My Marriage Today"different from other sites is that it is very simple and practicable to even a layman's understanding."

-- Inemobong U.
(Akwa Ibom, Nigeria) *
"My relationship with my husband had been going downhill for far too long, and I purchased your book in a desperate bid to fix things. After reading your info I discovered that I had been guilty of a number of the things that you identified as being warning signs of a problem marriage. I've been following your methods for remedying the situation, and I have been staggered by the success. Our marriage is now well on its way to becoming better than it ever was before and I can see us being happily married forever now. My eternal thanks!

-- Mary Evans, (Seattle, WA) *
"I found the biggest benefit from Save My Marriage Today was that you are educators in life, love, and happiness and that someone out there is human and understands the demands of the common family in society today, including struggles with money, intimacy, and your life not just your marriage.

I have spent countless dollars trying to get help and was sadly disappointed in all until now with you.. Save My Marriage Today has been a blessing to our family and we all thank you."

-- Doug M. (Davie, Florida) *
"I've been married to my wife for 15 years now and I was at a total loss as to what was going wrong with our marriage. She just seemed to stop loving me. Thanks to your book, I've totally changed the way I approach the situation, it was not easy, but during the last three months, the turn around in our relationship has been simply amazing! And her friends are a lot more supportive of our marriage too... I am so grateful!"

-- Steven Kitchen, Edmonton, Canada*
Disclaimer: This information is not designed to replace the advice of a registered relationship counselor. While SaveMyMarriageToday endeavors to provide helpful and workable advice for dating and relationships, face-to-face consultations with a registered professional are still recommended. Information contained on this website is provided 'as is,' without warranty of any kind. The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the information is assumed by the user, and in no event shall SaveMyMarriageToday be liable for any consequential, incidental or direct damages suffered in the course of using the information on this website. The information and recommendations are intended as an informative guide only and do not guarantee any kind of success or permanent fix. Results may vary.

© 2020 SaveMyMarriageToday.com All Rights Reserved. "SaveMyMarriageToday" are trademarks used by Unica Publications. By entering, you agree to our terms and conditions. By entering your email address you are also requesting and agreeing to subscribe to our free email newsletter. You must be 18 or older to enter.To contact support use the Contact Us link above.
bars