How to Disagree... But Still Love Them

When I joined an overseas student exchange program many years ago, I learned an important truth. One particular sentence I came across during our cultural orientation stuck with me over the years:

“It’s not right, it’s not wrong – it’s just different.”

The purpose of our orientation was to prepare us for the inevitable culture shock we were going to experience once we set foot on foreign soil. More importantly, we were taught to accept the cultural differences without judgment.

That particular line resonated with me so strongly because I’ve been able to put it to use in many other situations well after my exchange program ended.

As I thought about the meaning behind the sentence, it occurred to me that the same truth applied to dealing with just about any person I had a disagreement with – significant others included.

Unpleasantly Surprised

Getting married is a lot like stepping into unknown territory. In a way, you’re immersing yourself in a new culture and a way of life that’s radically different from what you knew before.

Your spouse is another person with his or her own set of values, beliefs and principles, and they’re likely to clash with your own at some point in the relationship.

And when that happens, your differences in opinion won’t only make you feel like your spouse is from a different country, but another planet altogether.

Chances are, your marital version of culture shock might have triggered thoughts such as the following:

“How could he continually leave his dirty laundry lying around the house? He must be CRAZY to think I’ll always be there to pick up after him!”

“She keeps maxing out her credit cards every month – how can she be so calm about it? Does she think money grows on trees or something??”

So how can you come to agree to disagree about your “cultural differences” and accept that your perspectives are simply different?

Bridging The Gap

To gain a mutual understanding of your perspectives, you need to bring both sides of the story together. Your partner needs to know where you’re coming from, and vice-versa.

The best way to start is by sharing your feelings about a recent argument you had with your spouse. Let your partner know (without accusations or judgment) exactly what you felt when they rejected your point of view.

Furthermore, let them know why you experienced those feelings in the first place. Whether it was something they said or did, explain to it to them as if you were observing it from someone else’s point of view.

Consider the example below:

“It felt like my opinion was less than nothing because you didn’t even bother to listen to my side. You just kept repeating and reiterating why you believed you were right. Worse, I felt like I had to defend myself and my beliefs since you wouldn’t let up with the criticism.”

But you shouldn’t stop there – the other half of the solution is also letting your partner have their turn at sharing their own thoughts in the same way.

I’m going to be honest: It’s going to be hard to hear out your spouse. You might feel the urge to fire back at this point, but you don’t have to obey this instinct and hold your tongue instead.

(If you need help preventing a tense situation from escalating, it would be wise to go over our previous post:
http://www.savemymarriagetoday.com/blog/a-5-step-plan-to-deal-with-anger)

Digging Deeper

After you’ve both shared your sides to the story, it’s time to address an important question:

What is it that made you feel so strongly during the argument in the first place?

You have to remember that we’re all unique individuals with our own quirks. Like characters in a story, each of us has a backstory that plays a part in the conflict.

However, there is no “good guy” or “bad guy” in the relationship - only two people who simply think differently for one reason or another.

Thus, your mission is to uncover these reasons because they influence whatever perspective you have about key issues in your marriage. This is the only way to create middle ground and foster a great sense of understanding between you and your partner.

A good place to start would be your childhood and adolescent experiences, as well as previous relationships. These shape a person’s outlook on life in a powerful way, and in turn influence their position in a given argument.

If you’re fighting about financial matters, perhaps one of you grew up in a household where there was enough money to go around, while the other did not.

For couples constantly arguing over sex, you need to look into how your previous relationships have affected your views on physical intimacy. For instance, one of you might have had an unpleasant sexual experience in the past.

Whatever your past may be, they need to be taken into account because both of you may be projecting your feelings from your previous experiences. Once the pieces of the bigger picture come together, you’ll find it much easier to accept your differences.

This is an important milestone in a relationship as it keeps you from attributing the conflict to a perceived personality flaw that your partner has.

What’s more, you’ll be able to forgive each other’s mistakes, and make a commitment to handle future conflicts in a more constructive way.

The ultimate overall benefit of this approach is this: while you’ll never agree on certain issues in your marriage, you’ll still be able to live with your differences and grow as a couple.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

4 comments on “How to Disagree... But Still Love Them”

  1. What if the arguement has been over a relationship that your spouse has or is having with a coworker that has gone beyond a normal friendship and full of dishonesty and you have asked for them to stop and they don't no matter what ultimatums have been given, even with telling the other person to back off and they don't, doesn't that just show disrespect and humiliation from the person that is suppose to love you, and what about when even though your spouse says he loves you but doesn't look at you when he says it? And ignores your request to make some time to talk?and hides their phone, and locks you out of having access to everything you did have access to after 14yrs, and has been on coincidental trips together...and still says nothing is going on other then a good friendship?

  2. Yeh I hear ya my wife has done the same thing, she past it off as just friends too. In have continued to not push for answers as it upset her, I'm still not sure if where heading in the right direction to get back together but I have never given up, I try to continue to show her love, they say do this and eventually it will come back but it is really hard when its a one way street. In long to be intimate again with the one I love. Good luck

  3. Lucy I am in the same situation. All our arguments are because of his relationship with an employee. I have access to his phone but he deletes text. I try to trust but it is hard.

Recent Posts
"The biggest benefit I have gained from “Save My Marriage Today” was perspective. There were so many lessons about how to look at what was happening in my life from a different angle. I needed clarity and hope and “Save My Marriage Today” gave me that. They used practical tips and things that I could really work on to be proactive in salvaging my relationship with my husband. The true examples from real people gave me insight that you can really survive an affair! This web site is different from many others in that the focus of the “advice” and help really reflects the name ---- “Save My Marriage Today.” Other web sites may not have that as a goal, but the salvation of my marriage was definitely what I was looking for."

-- Rhonda K. (Cottageville, SC)*
"Save My Marriage was very instrumental in helping my husband and myself understand each other by learning to communicate love words, to respect each others space, and to speak up when annoyed and not harbor anger. We were on the verge of divorce, thinking there was no way to repair the damage. Save My Marriage was a God send and we thank you so very much. After years of misgivings we are happy that we joined Save My Marriage and we worked it out and stayed together. We will celebrate our 27th anniversary this year!"

-- Fred and Maureen B.
(Putnam Valley, NY) *
"Since I began reading your Save My Marriage Today newsletters I am changed and I have also given him some newsletters to go through. He has also improved. Thanks so much for your advice and help! Our relationship has made some great breakthroughs and we are soon getting married! After reading your articles we are now in love again and we do as much as we can to create quality time for one another."

--Maureen M.
(Kakamega, Kenya)*
"Save My Marriage Today put it together for me, it made sense and got me to slow down, live in the moment and think about what is really important and how I can achieve it. The weekly bonus emails are great too because they remind me to stay focused and cover new topics I might not have thought about or realized. It takes work and it’s the biggest thing I’ve ever been through but with the right tools I know I can do it"

-- Brett P. (Longmount, CO)*
"Im glad I came across your Save My Marriage Today website. The situations and solutions presented are real, practical and simple to implement. Other websites painted a picture that marriage should be absolutely perfect and have no problems but we all know that's impossible to achieve. However your website has shown me that marriage needs work and a change in certain attitudes and behaviors, and after that things are not as complicated as we like to think. Thanks Save My Marriage Today for a wonderful website and for helping me get my marriage back on track!"

-- Elsa K.
(Nelspruit, South Africa) *
"I found the Save My Marriage Today articles to be very helpful and insightful, and there were times that I thought there was a spy in our home as the articles were so personally related.

We have gone from "I should divorce you" to "Maybe I will keep you around for another 30 years." Marriage is hard work and if you have the right tools and are willing to work with them, you can make it last forever. I think my wife and I are soulmates and I think I would be completely lost without her."

-- Robert and Joanne H.
(Powell River, BC, Canada) *
"My marriage is experiencing a tremendous transformation. I, on behalf of my wife am very grateful to "Save My Marriage Today" for practically saving ours. What makes "Save My Marriage Today"different from other sites is that it is very simple and practicable to even a layman's understanding."

-- Inemobong U.
(Akwa Ibom, Nigeria) *
"My relationship with my husband had been going downhill for far too long, and I purchased your book in a desperate bid to fix things. After reading your info I discovered that I had been guilty of a number of the things that you identified as being warning signs of a problem marriage. I've been following your methods for remedying the situation, and I have been staggered by the success. Our marriage is now well on its way to becoming better than it ever was before and I can see us being happily married forever now. My eternal thanks!

-- Mary Evans, (Seattle, WA) *
"I found the biggest benefit from Save My Marriage Today was that you are educators in life, love, and happiness and that someone out there is human and understands the demands of the common family in society today, including struggles with money, intimacy, and your life not just your marriage.

I have spent countless dollars trying to get help and was sadly disappointed in all until now with you.. Save My Marriage Today has been a blessing to our family and we all thank you."

-- Doug M. (Davie, Florida) *
"I've been married to my wife for 15 years now and I was at a total loss as to what was going wrong with our marriage. She just seemed to stop loving me. Thanks to your book, I've totally changed the way I approach the situation, it was not easy, but during the last three months, the turn around in our relationship has been simply amazing! And her friends are a lot more supportive of our marriage too... I am so grateful!"

-- Steven Kitchen, Edmonton, Canada*
Disclaimer: This information is not designed to replace the advice of a registered relationship counselor. While SaveMyMarriageToday endeavors to provide helpful and workable advice for dating and relationships, face-to-face consultations with a registered professional are still recommended. Information contained on this website is provided 'as is,' without warranty of any kind. The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the information is assumed by the user, and in no event shall SaveMyMarriageToday be liable for any consequential, incidental or direct damages suffered in the course of using the information on this website. The information and recommendations are intended as an informative guide only and do not guarantee any kind of success or permanent fix. Results may vary.

© 2020 SaveMyMarriageToday.com All Rights Reserved. "SaveMyMarriageToday" are trademarks used by Unica Publications. By entering, you agree to our terms and conditions. By entering your email address you are also requesting and agreeing to subscribe to our free email newsletter. You must be 18 or older to enter.To contact support use the Contact Us link above.
bars