Author: Amy Waterman

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5 Ways To Bring Passion Back To Marriage

Anyone who’s been married for a while knows how the passion dies down in a relationship as the years go by. Yet, a lot of couples seem to be at a loss with how to actually deal with this common problem even though they’re well aware of it.

Sam, one of our readers from Irvine, recently wrote to us about his own problems in the bedroom:

“My wife and I have been married for almost fifteen years now, and things have been great until about three years ago. Shortly after we got married, I quit my day job to put up my own construction contracting business which meant that my wife had to work longer hours at her own job while I was struggling to get things off the ground.

Sex wasn’t really a problem before even though we were under a lot of financial stress… probably because we still had that fiery newlywed passion at the beginning. But now that I’ve finally gotten my business going, running it alongside my wife has become extremely demanding for us, especially with our two children in the picture.

So that means we’re often too run down at the end of the day to even think about fooling around in bed. But what really bothers is me is that my wife seems to have no desire whatsoever to make the first move, let alone talk about sex.

She’s become sort of like the Sphinx; it’s become harder and harder to read her. Do I not turn her on anymore? Is she fantasizing about someone else? Does having sex with me feel like a chore to her? I feel like an unattractive loser every time she turns me down!”

This is something that many marriages go through – while it’s common, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do anything about it. There are a number of measures you can try to put the fire back into your marriage:

#1: Initiate

This means a lot of things, and not just making the first move in bed. Nevertheless, the first step is to take the initiative, even if you’re not feeling it.

Try giving your spouse a foot and back massage, or simply cuddle with them at the end of the day. Find ways you can touch your partner in little ways throughout the day. You may not be in the mood just yet, but initiating physical contact in a subtle way can lead from one thing to another before you know it.

Sometimes, you just need to keep the physical detachment from building up, and maintaining a tangible connection (whether or not it leads to intercourse every time) can be a good foundation for a healthier sex life. After all, you can’t just expect your partner to suddenly jump your bones after several weeks of little or no contact in general!

Speaking of being romantic outside the bedroom, it certainly doesn’t hurt to send your spouse sweet (or naughty) messages from time to time. Spicy notes, emails and text messages can go a long way to whet their appetite later on!

This might sound unusual, but another way you can take the initiative to boost your sex life is by de-cluttering your house. If you’ve ever watched those house makeover shows where there are foot-high piles of stuff clogging up couples’ homes, you’ve probably seen how unhappy they’ve become as a result of all their mess. This impacts their relationships, and as you might guess, their sex lives as well.

#2: Figure Out Your Rhythms

If there’s tension in the bedroom, chances are you’re on different wavelengths. The best way to address this is by figuring out some key details:

– How much sex do you and your partner want respectively?
– Who tends to the aggressor and who’s more timid in bed?
– What would the ideal frequency for each of you?

By looking at these aspects of your sex life, it’s easier to pinpoint how wide or close the gap is. This will then help you come to a mutually satisfying agreement.

After you get this out of the way, you’ll end up with a plan to make things in the bedroom more interesting. This way, neither of you will have unrealistic expectations, or get into a guessing game about who’s going to initiate.

#3: Look At Your Past

In many ways, your previous relationships and experiences growing up affect your sex drive. You don’t have to play psychologist here, but it would be practical to consider how these factors come into play with bedroom matters.

For instance, one of the people in a relationship may find that they tend to put their feelings ahead of their own. Perhaps he or she developed these issues growing up and it’s stifled their desire to initiate sex for fear that their partner isn’t in the mood.

Previous relationships can affect the sexual dynamics in your relationship as well. If a past partner used sex as a passive-aggressive tool to get their way in the relationship, then this can play a big role in your current one.

If it comes to a point where you find that some deep-seated emotional issues (i.e. an abusive past, childhood traumas) are interfering with your sex life, then it’s time to get a counselor or therapist involved. The better educated you are about these hurdles, the better you can get over them.

#4: Probe Deeper

Aside from looking at the surrounding factors affecting your sex life, it also helps to ask your partner up front what turns them on. If it doesn’t necessarily do anything for you but doesn’t offend you, then you can go past your comfort zone.

However, communication is a two-way street so make sure your partner also knows which fantasies and techniques turn you on. Though you may not agree on absolutely everything, it’s ok because that’s not really the point.

What matters is that both of you are throwing it out there, which is a lot better than keeping shut and second guessing each others’ desires. From here you can compromise on how far each of you can go in terms of meeting your respective sexual needs.

#5: Rule Out Any Medical Conditions

If you feel there’s a drastic lack of sex in the relationship and your partner is stonewalling about it, then perhaps there are medical factors that you haven’t considered yet.

There are very real conditions such as hormonal imbalance, depression or just being generally stressed out. Any of these could be distracting your partner from being in the proper frame of mind for having sex.

Be supportive. If you suspect that your spouse is going through any of these, find a way to see them through it. That could mean just being there for them when they need you, or doing research in order to better handle their condition. You may even want to consult with a doctor if the situation calls for it – there’s no sense in NOT getting as much as help as possible.

In the end, having an amazing sex life is about figuring out the related factors influencing your relationship, as well finding the areas of improvement. All of this adds up to being emotionally closer to your partner and increasing the intimacy in the process.

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Danger Signs In Marriage You CAN’T Ignore

If there’s one mistake you can’t afford to make in your marriage, it would be complacency. Nothing could be more damaging than turning a blind eye to the danger signs in relationships.

Some couples know that they’re engaging in destructive behavior, but feel powerless to put a stop to the vicious cycle. On the other hand, there are also couples who are blissfully unaware of the damage they’re doing until their bad relationship habits finally catch up to them.

Whatever the case may be, you owe it to yourself – and your marriage – to know about the danger signs in relationships before you end up getting divorced:

#1: Fighting To Hurt

You might see this all the time in other couples, but don’t realize this is also happening in your own marriage. A sure-fire sign that your relationship is in trouble is when you actively participate in a no holds barred, back-and-forth exchange of hurtful words during an argument.

You’ll know this is happening when you’re no longer quarreling over your differences and have stooped down instead to trading insults simply to bring each other down.

The problem with keeping up this habit is that it fuels mutual disrespect that grows with each passing day. The only way to break this pattern is by making the first move to fight fair to show your spouse a different way of doing things.

You might think this is unfair, especially if you feel that you’ve been wronged by your spouse. Regardless of what’s happening, this isn’t the time to point fingers. The priority is to reverse this harmful trend and re-instill the sense of respect you had at the start of your relationship.

Being angry in the heat of the moment is perfectly fine, but don’t cross the line by lashing out at your spouse. Use statements that focus on your feelings rather than assigning blame, labeling your partner or insulting their pride.

Remember, making a general observation about the situation that doesn’t aim to hurt your spouse will get far better results.

Let’s say that you were offended when your spouse left the room and slammed the door on you during an argument. Instead of accusing him of being “insensitive” or “immature”, focus on the behavior that triggered your anger and let him know how his actions made you feel.
Next, ask him how you want to be treated so that he knows exactly what you want without attacking his dignity.

In this case, you could say something like, “I feel like less than a person and disrespected when you walk out on me in the middle of a fight. If gets too much for you, you could at least tell me you need a breather instead of cutting me off all of a sudden.”

#2: No Middle Ground

The reality of any marriage is that the partners will have a set of issues they won’t fully agree on. Whether it’s about the in-laws, financial matters or raising the kids, all couples will always butt heads over certain topics.

It can’t be helped – we’re all shaped by our previous experiences, a lot of which go back to childhood. At some level, you’ll always be different from your spouse.

The problem is when you can’t get past these differences that surface when you start arguing about certain issues. This is another of the danger signs in relationships – when

Over the months and years, these become sore spots in the marriage which could lead to divorce if you can’t compromise with your partner.

Instead of resisting the reality of your differences, you have to dig to the root of your issues to understand why both of you are so passionate about defending your respective opinions.

It always boils down to your principles and values; these are the core aspects of any disagreement that causes anger you when you feel that your moral code is being violated in some way.

Let’s look at a sample scenario: let’s say the wife insists on seeing her family every weekend while her husband would rather see his in-laws only on occasions such as birthday parties and holidays. They constantly argue about their opposing views on family life, so the key is to find the hidden story behind the conflict.

It may turn out that the husband in the scenario had a rough time growing up because of a turbulent family life at home. His parents might have fought a lot while his siblings got involved in criminal activity. The wife on the other hand could have grown up in a much more harmonious where it was important to get together with her relatives quite often.

This explains why this couple has vastly different opinions about what being a family means. They can’t change their pasts, but being aware of it is the breakthrough they need to find some badly-needed middle ground.

#3: Having “Hopeless Case Vision”:

Hope is what keeps someone going in spite of the difficulties ahead. Without it, a person is guaranteed to call it quits. Some even say that the absence of hope can be the death of you.

In the same way, perceiving your marriage as a hopeless case can lead to divorce if you nurture the feeling long enough. This is something that needs to be managed in all marriages, whether you’ve been together for five months or five years.

Otherwise, you’ll feel like all hope is gone. You’ll eventually grow apart and become strangers to each other. In the end, the only recourse is to go separate ways.

To restore the balance of positive emotions in your relationship, you have to take the initiative to create a foundation of goodwill that can help you get through the tough times.

In a marriage weathered by multiple problems, this may seem hard to do when too much has happened. You might ask yourself, “Where do I begin?”

There’s a two-part solution to combat negativity. The first step is to reacquaint yourself with your spouse’s world. This means having a good knowledge of what’s going on in your partner’s life – and in their head.

You can start by simply making the effort to know what’s going in your partner’s daily life, whether it’s their pet peeves at work, what they’re currently worried about (e.g. finances, career, health, the future) or the things they like.

Studies have shown that the better connected couples are in this intimate sense, the less likely they’ll come apart when they go through challenging phases in their marriage, such as unemployment, sickness, a death in the family and so on.
You can do this by simply asking your spouse when the opportunity presents itself. This way, you can get to know what’s the latest with him or her and give them the support they need. Plus, knowing that your spouse cares about you in this way is a great morale booster.

The other half of your marriage-saving solution is dead simple as well: using kind words of encouragement and affection. You can start with the daily habit of telling your spouse “I love you.” There are plenty of chances to slip this in, like before going off to work, turning in for the night, or even a short and sweet SMS or email.

After a week or so of doing this, you can build on it by complimenting your partner, even with the little things. For instance, telling your spouse how great they are at making dinner or how nice they look in their work outfit are powerful ways to remind them of the love you share.

Gradually, you’ll be able to recover from the slump your marriage has been going through.

Remember that while danger signs in relationships shouldn’t be ignored, they don’t necessarily spell the end of a marriage. Rather, they’re just a wake-up call to spur you into action and turn things around.

Though you might not have complete control over your circumstances, you very well have the power to decide how to react to adversity and safeguard yourselves against the threat of divorce.

That’s all for now. I look forward to your thoughts and opinions on this.

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Is my relationship normal?

As a child or teenager, did you ever picture what your marriage would be like?

– Did you envision running into your ideal mate at a party, then falling madly in love, like they do in the movies?

– Did you imagine you and your partner wallowing in a blissful dream?

– Did you have visions of walking down the street, hand in hand with your loved one, or perhaps sharing a beautiful sunset by the beach?

Most of us had a naïve, whimsical expectation of what a married relationship should be like. However, when the “magic” of wedded bliss slowly fades away, we’re faced with the reality that marriage isn’t the perfect deal that we once assumed it was.

When we run into conflicts and issues, we’re slowly opened to the fact that a relationship is not always fun and games. For some of us, the frequency of good moments in the relationship are overshadowed by bitter disappointment.

When the sour taste of reality becomes unbearable, some resort to comparing their ailing relationships to that of their friends or neighbors. What they don’t realize is that doing so will only create bigger problems for them in the long run. It keeps them occupied with a false idea of perfection, something that no one can ever have.

No marriage is ever perfect, so that means that you shouldn’t start comparing your own to someone else’s.

Nothing good will come from holding your unique circumstances to a standard based on the situation of other couples. “Keeping up with the Joneses” is an unhealthy way of judging your relationship. Who says you have to be as “perfect” as others just to feel good about yourself? Any couple has their own issues to struggle with, so it’s better to FOCUS on your own problems rather than obsess about how good other people have it.

The only way to stop comparing what you have with others is to CLARIFY and GROUND your marital expectations in reality. Only then will you be able to stop assuming that everyone else’s marriages are better than yours.

Understand that looking at other people’s relationships with envy is caused by skewed expectation of your own marriage.

Ask yourself: do the things I expect from my marriage (and spouse) seem do-able or impossible?

Based on that single question, do an honest evaluation of the standards you hold your relationship to. A sample list of expectations might look something like this:

1. My marriage should be the envy of our friends and family.
2. My spouse should be willing to change who he/she is for my sake.
3. We should never fight about anything; disagreements have no place in our relationship
4. My marriage should be at least as good as ___________.

In writing, this list seems highly impractical or downright unrealistic. Yet, ask yourself if you’re yearning for the impossible in the back of your own mind.

Do you unconsciously expect implausible scenarios in your marriage? Are your expectations driving your relationship to the ground?

The best way to discover that is to dig deep down and make a list of your own. Take some time to drag out all those unspoken thoughts in your mind and write them down. Only then can you come face to face with any unrealistic standards.

Better yet, get your spouse involved as well. It wouldn’t be surprising to find out how different your expectations are from his/hers! Getting them out in the open and discussing them NOW does a lot towards realigning your marital goals and clearing up misunderstandings.

Once you’ve made your list, see if you can revise them in a way that is CLEAR, REALISTIC, and FEASIBLE. We suggest for you to filter your original expectations through some general guidelines.

First, whatever expectations any of you have should never, in any way, compromise the key elements that support the framework of your marriage. These include trusting each other, respecting one another, making the other’s happiness a must, and so on.

Through this soul-searching activity, you can better tailor your marriage to fit into a realistic context, instead of expecting it to be a flawless relationship devoid of any conflict. There’s nothing wrong with having lofty visions of a wonderful marriage when you were younger. Those dreams inspired you to be the best person and spouse possible. Now that you’ve had a taste of the challenges of married life, it’s time to make those desires cross over into a more realistic light – and this exercise can help you do that.

While you’re at it, focus on the positive aspects of your marriage which may have been buried under your previous expectations.

Try to remember what brought you together as a couple in the first place and reminisce on the highlights of your past. Sure, your relationship isn’t spotless, but that doesn’t mean you should take the best parts for granted.

Create opportunities for you to reconnect with each other and rediscover what exactly you LOVE about being together. Think of exercises (like the one above) where you can share things about your partner that turn you on, or some quirky trait that you find endearing.

As a suggestion, each of you can make a list in advance and read it to one another during a date. Imagine how romantic and moving it would be to hear your partner tell the things he/she loves the most about you (and vice-versa) over a candlelit dinner, or perhaps with sunset in full view.

The point is to make an effort to spend private time apart from the kids, work and all other responsibilities which have driven a wedge between you two. Take a time-out and go back to that place where it seemed like time stood still and there were only the two of you in the world.

Recapture that lost feeling so that you don’t forget that what you have is beyond comparison to other relationships. The simple habit of making small reminders to each other (in the form of affection, dates, etc) as well as grounding your expectations in reality both go a long way in keeping you focused on the relationship.

The more focused you are on each other (in terms of positive traits and realistic expectations), the less likely you’ll find yourselves comparing your marriage to others.

I would love to hear your experiences and opinions in the comments below!

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How To Fix 3 Typical Marriage Issues

Many people who aren’t good at handling conflicts with their spouse look for ways how to fix a bad marriage. The problem is that many people aren’t fully aware of the mitigating factors which create marital issues in the first place.

So they end up getting frustrated from stabbing about in the dark, aimlessly, trying different approaches that simply don’t work.

By being aware of the root causes of your marriage conflict, you’ll know which areas you can work on. To point you in the right direction, here are some of the typical marriage issues that plague many couples:

#1: Growing Apart

Sadly, it’s very typical for a lot of couples to grow apart as the years go by. This is a common phase in the evolution of a marriage. There tends to be high levels of romantic feelings and infatuation during the early stages of the relationship, but this naturally goes down after a couple gets married.

In time, they take each other for granted and start becoming strangers to each other. Being emotionally disconnected from your partner makes it very easy for even the simplest of marriage problems to tear a couple apart.

To remedy this, reacquaint yourself with your spouse by asking for their input and thoughts on your marriage as a whole. Talk to them about love, how their love has evolved or changed over time, how their perception of happy ever after has changed in the time you have been married, the benefits and challenges of living together, what their dream future looks like, and other essential topics.

This is your opportunity to listen to your spouse share their views and discuss in a non-threatening way how they see your marriage. It’s vital to listen if you really want to understand and learn.

For example, ask them what they’re most afraid of, how they see their career in the next several years, or what spending time together means. You might think that you already know these things, but you might be surprised how much your spouse has changed over the months and years.

#2: Playing The Blame Game

This is a very unhealthy habit to have; when you tend to think that your partner’s “flawed” personality is at the heart of your marital problems, it will generate a lot of mutual hatred.

Coming from this mindset will drive you to accuse your spouse all the time and hurl criticism at them. Obviously your partner won’t take your words well and will feel the need to fight back. In other words, blaming each other escalates your negative emotions and ultimately creates a destructive pattern in your relationship.

If want to know how to fix a bad marriage, you can begin the healing process by being more thoughtful in how you express your frustration toward your spouse. Rather than telling them it’s their fault that the problem exists, talk about it as a shared issue which you want to tackle together.

People are more receptive to act positively when they’re handled with tact as opposed to an aggressive attitude will that only provoke them.

Think about how you can rephrase your statements so that you leave out the blame. Instead, focus on the problem – approach the issue as something which requires your spouse’s help in order to resolve it.

If you’re feeling angry or upset, you can simply state how you feel while leaving out any harsh words or accusations.

#3: Unhealthy Fighting Patterns

Of course, we’re all human. When a person is provoked enough, they will eventually crack and feel forced to fight back. Thus, the problem is when emotions run high and lead to a meltdown between a couple.

Fights can get ugly quickly, and a couple at this point will usually use hurtful or even obscene language in an attempt to cut each other down. Once you’ve crossed this line, it’s hard to go back; nothing gets resolved in the end.

In order to stop this counterproductive cycle, you have to find a way to diffuse the situation. First, try to be aware of when you’re getting too agitated – this is a warning sign that things are about to get worse. You can tell your spouse what you’re feeling so you can both take a break.

It can be something as simple as “Hey, this is getting too much for me – can we take a breather first? I don’t want to blow my top and make things worse.”

Or you can identify your feelings and make a request from your spouse. For instance, try this next time:
“That hurt – can you put that in a more constructive way? I want to compromise with you, so please be gentler with me.”

You don’t have to follow these verbatim, but you still might feel weird talking to your spouse this way. However, just work through these initial feelings and introduce this healthy pattern into your arguments.

When you get used to fighting fair, you’ll no longer dread having a difference of opinions since you’ve built boundaries as a couple.

Learning how to fix a bad marriage isn’t as complex or intimidating as it might seem. In many cases, it all boils down to making small but powerful changes to fix your marriage issues. In time, these subtle shifts will dramatically change the course of your marriage.

It’s not going to happen overnight, but it will happen 😉

>>> Do you have any powerful changes you have been able to implement in your marriage? Share your fixes below, no matter how big or small.

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How To Prevent Divorce In 3 Effective Ways

When a couple’s marriage starts to become emotionally stressful, one of the spouses usually tries to figure out how to prevent divorce. Most people assume that they need to take drastic measures, such as a lavish weekend getaway or going straight to a marriage therapist to save their marriage.

While doing those things has their place in a relationship, you might want to start out with a more practical approach with how to prevent divorce. Chances are your marriage will benefit with everyday habits you can easily adapt into your daily routine. Consider the following:

# 1: Fight To Resolve, Not To Hurt

One of the biggest ways to assess the health of a marriage is in the way a couple argues. If they have the habit of fighting to inflict emotional damage instead of resolving an issue, then this will greatly reduce the survival rate of their relationship.

This usually starts with opening the discussion with a personal attack or criticizing one’s spouse (e.g. “You’re so selfish!”, “Why can’t you get things right?”). It then triggers an equally hostile reaction from the other person, creating a back and forth cycle of conflict.

The best way to counteract this trend is by making the first move to be more tactful towards your partner. Even if your partner might push your buttons, you don’t have to obey your urge to fire back.

Instead, try counteracting their harsh words by positively framing your emotions.

The best way to do this is by making a complaint about the situation at hand, and then state your emotions. Notice that this doesn’t include blaming your partner for the problem nor imply that you’re better than them. Here’s an example:

“The trash has been in our kitchen for a day now, and I’m feeling upset because it hasn’t been taken out like you said you would. It’s really important to me that we have a clean house so I’d really appreciate it if you helped me with that.”

#2: Create Positive Emotions

The other problem that leads to divorce is a negative mindset towards one’s spouse as well as the marriage as a whole. Fighting to hurt is also partly to blame here, but it’s also rooted in unsolvable conflicts that all couples have.

If you want to know how to prevent divorce, a good way to get started is by fostering the habit of using compliments and praise. This is very simple to do – you just need to actively look for good things that your spouse does and verbalize your observations to him or her.

Admittedly, this can be very difficult if you’ve been feeling upset with your partner. Nevertheless, you need to work through your resentment and use kind words which will encourage your partner to be more loving and supportive.

Make a personal daily list of the things (your smartphone or pen and paper will do) you love about your spouse and let them know at least one item from your collection once a day.

It may not seem like much at first, but these “little things” accumulate over time. For example, you point out the following:

“I can’t keep my hands off of you whenever you wear that cute little outfit to the office!”

“I love how you always make me coffee in the morning even though you haven’t had anything yourself yet.”

“You always know how to make me laugh when I get stressed out over work.”

“Thank you for taking care of me and the kids.”

#3: Find a Way Out Of Conflict

Remember the unsolvable conflicts I mentioned in the last tip? Aside from creating negative feelings in your marriage, your long-standing issues can also create a gap as the months and years go by.

Eventually, this will poison the relationship if you don’t learn how to compromise. This usually begins when a couple can’t deal with their personality differences.

One person in the relationship might be an introvert while the other is an extrovert. In other cases, one spouse might tend to be frugal while the other likes to spend more lavishly. Whatever it is, this can generate a lot of friction if you allow it.

To manage the conflicts that arise from these factors, the first step is to accept there are some aspects of your spouse that you can never change. It greatly helps to adjust your mindset in the sense that you need to look at it like a chronic physical condition, such as a bad back.

The next step is to discuss with your spouse about your innermost desires that are related to your disagreements. To give you a better idea, let’s say that a couple is always fighting over money. If the more frugal partner grew up in a household where finances were limited, that explains why he or she has the habit of saving up more rather than spending like the other person in the marriage.

Everyone has their motivations behind their position on marital issues, so it’s your job as a couple to uncover why you’re on opposite sides of certain matters. In particular, it helps to discuss how your childhood experiences have influenced your mindset.

It will be difficult to go through this, but you can gradually do it over the course of several discussions. You’ll find that it will be much easier to come to a mutually satisfying compromise when you understand each other on a deeper level.

In the end, you don’t have to take huge steps if you want to learn how to prevent divorce. By starting out slowly and surely, you’ll eventually chip away at your marital problems until you make major breakthroughs down the road.

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How to Save Your Marriage: 4 keys for marriage improvement

She was 20, he was 25, and they were walking down the aisle with a 7 month baby bump between them. Some people thought they were doomed.

Who would have thought that they would end up 5 kids and 18 years later still together? What is it about their partnership that somehow… clicks?

Another marriage counselor colleague I talked with recently may not have been married as long as others but, along the way, we discovered that there are some common concepts or keys that cut across marriages we have known to be successful -think, 30, 40, 50 years.

Allow me to share them with you by summarizing them into four:

1. Whole individuals make whole marriages.

In other words, get to know yourself first and work out becoming a whole, happy person. Sometimes, I’ve seen marriages fail because individual personalities come with baggage.

While we all have baggage, the problem is when one allows the baggage to rule one’s behavior and way or relating. What’s worse, more often than not we are not even aware that we actually HAVE baggage.

Knowing yourself, being aware of your issues and, more than that, realistically confronting and surmounting them: these help make one a better individual and a better spouse. In this case, internal self-work is important and I could never emphasize that enough.

If you had issues growing up, start by working on healing them. Cultivate your self-awareness, expose yourself to ideas and experiences that will help you evolve, develop your self-esteem, imbibe a strong sense of self, adapt true humility – even grow a sound moral compass.

There are numerous options open to you: credible self-help books, classes, counseling, and support groups.

It would help you to consult the most mature, happy individuals you know and learn from them. Engage them in conversation. You will discover that they’ve picked some important things along the way that make them what they are.

You will also discover that growth is continuous. Wholeness and happiness are not something you come to overnight nor are they ever complete. The best one can do is approximate them internally and be content.

2. Love is a decision and a DOING WORD.

More often than not, we see couples resort to divorce because the “love” has gone. That stands to be corrected because it’s not necessarily the “love” that has gone but the excitement of early romance.

What people fail to realize is that love is more than the feeling. Couples who have been married for years have this to say: Love is a decision. Steven Covey says: Love is a doing word.

I find that to combine the two actually presents aspects of what it means to really LOVE. Writers refer to it as the difference between “being in love” and “loving”.

Love as a decision. We all enjoy having our love validated by an intense feeling deep inside. And, yes, that helps specially in days when your spouse gets grumpy and annoying.

But, above and beyond all that, despite grumpy, annoying and the other seven dwarves, despite good days and bad, you know that you still love because you have decided in the very core of you and you abide by that decision.

This means Love is a commitment that you made with your full, whole consciousness as a mature, self-actualized human being.

Isn’t that amazing? That you as a person have the faculties to be in control of your decisions rather than flitting along in the throes of passion?

Love is a doing word. Feeling it and showing it are two different things. I’ve heard spouses say: “But I LOVE him (or her)” and just leave it at that. What they don’t see is that their love has to be shown – especially in the little things.

In this case, actions do speak louder than words and every time you do something for your spouse, you show that you love them and you actually continue to build on that love.

3. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

People have a misconception of what communication is. They think that it’s simply talking. Of course, that’s the first part.

For a marriage to work, I would always advise a couple to talk about everything. Talking is always a good thing. Whether it be talking about things, other people or ideas, talking to one’s spouse is important to keeping marriage healthy.

Some people say that it’s better to have secrets — that your spouse doesn’t have to know everything. That’s true too but in moderation. If it’s a big, important secret you’re keeping and you can’t find a way to tell your spouse the truth, something’s wrong.

Even if you agree to disagree, even if your politics may be different, talking is the key. It could be empty talk, just for companionship, it could also be philosophical talk, about one’s insights and discovered wisdom.

Whatever it is, talk. And while you’re at it, respect each other’s point of view.

However, the 2nd part of the Communication cycle is more important than the first. LISTENING. When you truly LISTEN, you hear both what is being said and what is not.

You learn to pick up cues from both verbal and non-verbal communication. You learn to hear with your inner sense and begin to use comprehension and understanding.

Many marriages would have been saved if only partners LISTENED.

4. It’s not ME, it’s WE.

Many couples fail to realize that once they enter into a relationship, they are no longer just two individuals. Couplehood has a life and personality of its own and must be treated as such.

Unfortunately, conflict in marriage is often caused by a clash of individual personalities and agenda. If only more couples come to realize that they’re in this TOGETHER and that issues affecting their MARRIAGE must be discussed, decided and acted upon together.

Yes, this includes separation – even how to handle infidelity.

“We”-ness also includes some of the most powerful guidelines for successful marriages. It calls for PRIORITIZING the relationship over each partner’s hierarchy of social and familial relationships – including your relationship with your parents and your kids.

This means, within reason, not putting some other relationship first at the EXPENSE of the marriage.

This means making the effort each day to affirm your couplehood by spending quality time with each other and continuing to build the intimacy in your marriage.

There are numerous other tips and guidelines couples can learn from to improve their marriages but I find that these 4 will serve many with success.

People think that marriage is 50-50. I prefer to think that a marriage is 100-100. In effort, communication, love and commitment marriage can never be half-baked.

As long as you give it everything, your passion is going to inspire and lead your spouse to reciprocate and in turn lead you when you need it most.

Your methodology may sometimes be flawed, but as long as you do it with passion, you can maximize your chances of success.

Till next time,

Andrew Rusbatch

Co-author of Save My Marriage Today

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Marriage Separation: Fixable or The End?

When your spouse walks out that door, it feels like in that moment that your marriage separation is the end of the road.

With careful planning and the right attitude, however…

It isn’t.

With the right attitude and preparation, separating for a prearranged period of time can give a marriage much needed perspective on the reasons you fell in love with your spouse to begin with, remind you that you feel happier and more fulfilled when you’re together, and let you remember the good times without being reminded of the difficulties on a daily basis.

In order for a marriage separation or a trial separation to work, you both need to be very clear about its objectives. These need to be transparent to both parties.

Put simply, you both need to discuss what it involves and what expectations you place on each other during the separation period. You also need to both be very clear about what you hope to achieve from this time of separation.

Is this a trial, simply giving one or both of you some space and time to think, or is this a ploy to punish the other?

Is the separation a prelude to divorce, or is it an opportunity to let the absent heart grow fonder? You need to be very clear what this is and how you both expect to go about it. Without clear discussion and expectations, a separation is doomed to fail.

You need to be able to sit down as a couple discuss the issues around a temporary separation. You may want a formal or written agreement.

Outline what goals you expect to achieve or issues you want to consider, how you are going to reach these goals, how often you are going to maintain contact, and what expectations you are going to place on each other regarding dating others, sex, and how you are going to monitor if you are making progress in rebuilding your marriage.

If you are constantly preoccupied with the thought of leaving, this is no small fantasy. This is a major red flag, and certainly a time when a trial separation should be seriously considered. But let’s think about why you’re preoccupied with leaving.

Do you see leaving the relationship as being easier than dealing with the issues?

Is it a feeling of exhaustion at a seemingly endless period of frustration or unhappiness?

If so, what steps have you taken to help alleviate this feeling?

Is an outside perspective through counseling helpful in overcoming unresolved issues?

Make a list. Think of all the ways your life is going to change if you were single again. Then divide them into positives and negatives. Are you really better off or is it worth fighting for?

Will spending time apart fix those issues? How will it bring you closer as a couple?

All important considerations to take on board as you face a possible marriage separation…

The important thing to remember here is that you don’t have to love your spouse’s behavior or their actions. But in not loving, indeed even hating their actions, it is still possible to love the person they are.

And that’s an important distinction. Hate the sin, love the sinner.

Certainly if you can see your relationship as such then there is hope. Besides, we only hate people we care about. It’s when either of you (or both of you) feel nothing that your marriage is in serious trouble!

But remember, a trial separation is a serious, last ditch effort to affect change in a relationship. It is not to be taken lightly, as a separation can remind you of the good times and bring you back together with your spouse, a renewed determination to fix the issues and build a better life together, but it can also – and perhaps more easily – show you that a divorce is the best route to take.

But is it?

See you again next time.

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How to make your man adore you

If you’re a woman…

Do you ever wonder why men do some of the CRAZY, unexplained things they do?
Do you ever feel completely puzzled by your man’s behavior?

If it seems like sometimes your husband’s behavior or responses to you are
completely weird or irrational, don’t feel bad… because you’re exactly right.

You see, science teaches us that while some of our desires and drives are conscious,
many of them are not. This is ESPECIALLY true for men.

While most men would NEVER admit this (most don’t even know it), some of their
behaviors, drives, and desires are biologically driven.

How Men Are Wired Different…

In other words, in some areas, men don’t have a choice. They are simply “wired” a
certain way which is different to women… hence the confusion.

This is why he can seem considerate and thoughtful one moment, and callous and
cold a few seconds later.

This is why sometimes you’re caught off-guard by his unexpected harsh words, or
cold behavior. It’s why you’re sometimes left feeling as if he “pulled the rug out from
under you” and you’re left wondering what you did wrong…

But don’t worry. None of this is an excuse to let him get away with stupid behavior.
In fact, when used correctly, you can use this understanding and knowledge of mens’
behavior to get what you want from your man.

To Get What You Want from Your Man, Understand This…

Change starts when we recognize the simple biological differences between men
and women. For instance….

Women generally want connection and family: they define themselves by their
relationships.

They have the nurturing instinct, the need to take care of others and maintain the
health and wellness of the people they care for.

Men, however, generally identify themselves by what they do: they want to be
providers, caretakers, protectors.

A man has a need to take care of the family and be the breadwinner. It is a
subconscious need — most men are not even aware that they have this need or drive.

While men have many of these subconscious drives, there are at least five basic
needs that all men have deep within themselves; if any of these needs are not being
met, it will cause problems in your relationship.

The 5 Basic Needs that ALL Men Have…

What are these needs? They are:

1. Words of affirmation and praise.

2. A sense of being respected.

3. The feeling that he is being listened to and heard.

4. Physical touch. (This doesn’t necessarily mean sex, but rather affection.)

5. Intimacy and bonding (yes, believe it or not!)

All you have to do is meet these five basic needs, and meet them consistently, to see
your relationship transformed right before your eyes.

Meeting these needs gives you a great deal of influence with your man — he’ll be
willing to do almost ANYTHING you ask, at the drop of a hat, because you have
suddenly become the source of most of the good feelings he’s having about his life.

He may not even realize what’s happening.

The best part is, this is “ethical influence” because you’re meeting his most basic
psychological needs. Not wants, but needs. It’s as if you are nourishing his soul.

And what do YOU get out of the deal? The man you want — the man who adores you,
shows true affection towards you, and puts you ahead of everything else in his life.

Why? Because you make it easy to make him feel good about himself and his place
in the world (and especially in your relationship).

==> 3 More Tips On How to Get Your Man to Do What You Want…

Try it today, and see for yourself.

P.S. A man’s brain and behavior can be tough to predict, but I’ve identified a set of
secret triggers, that when accessed, will wake him up so he’s more interested in
what YOU are saying than in the darn remote control.

==> Secret Triggers That Activate Your Man’s Love Circuitry…

By using a particular set of words and phrases – triggers that set off new patterns in
his brain – you will cause your man to automatically… see you… hear you…
UNDERSTAND you…

… to listen without criticizing, and let you share your feelings without trying to “fix”
you. And the best part is that I figured out how to do this without trickery,
manipulation, begging, or drama.

That’s all for now… Enjoy!

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5 Ways To Stop Divorce

It may feel like it’s over and there is nothing you can do…

But you have more power over your future than you think.

They may say they hate you or never want to see you again. They may have already shifted out.

But you can stop divorce from happening in your marriage by following these 5 steps:

1. Don’t be afraid to make the first move
It’s very tempting to assume the victim mentality in a marriage dispute and wait for your spouse to make the first move to save your marriage. The problem is, while you are waiting for them to initiate the process, you could be losing them.

Every moment you’re living in negativity or living apart, you’re reinforcing those behaviors that prevent you from getting back together.

Being the first to apologize or initiate conversation isn’t a sign of weakness. And being right isn’t all that great if you end up divorced. Making the first move is a tangible sign of your commitment to the marriage. It also begins the transformation from negativity to solving your problems. Your actions may be the one thing that saves your marriage.

2. Listen and learn
All of us have things we want to say, things we want to defend, and frustrations we want to voice. But equally important as talking is the ability to listen.

Listen to what your spouse is trying to tell you. Consider how their feelings have influenced their actions and responses. A moment listening may alleviate hours of miscommunication or misunderstanding about what the real issues are and how you can heal them.

3. Be willing to make changes
Every crisis opportunity is a chance to take a look at yourself and the relationship and make some changes. It may be an emerging lifestyle pattern that has led your marriage to the brink of collapse. That’s why it’s important to consider what changes you can both make to improve the relationship.

It might mean a change of jobs, a change of home or town, and a commitment to living your dream life instead of your current life. An ability to see changes with an open mind can pay dividends for the long-term success of your marriage.

4. Think and talk solutions
It’s easy to point out the things you or your spouse has done wrong. The real challenge is in considering and discussing solutions to the problems that plague your marriage. This change of mindset, from a victim and problems mindset to a creative and solutions-based mindset is vital to looking forward and forever fixing the marriage issues rather than sweeping them under the carpet.

5. Invest in the relationship
Being in a relationship can be exhausting. It can also be competitive. A relationship doesn’t have to come at a cost to your sense of self. A healthy, supportive relationship can assist you in reaching your goals rather than hinder them. By investing your time and efforts into your relationship, and working on being the best husband or wife you can possibly be, the rewards both to your sense of happiness and wellbeing can be huge.

Resist the temptation to invest in negativity. Put that effort into you and your relationship and watch your future grow.

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How to save your marriage on your own

One of the most common questions we encounter is this:

How could one partner save their floundering marriage on their own?

It is a typical enough story – one partner leaves, the other stays. One remains “in love”, the other is uncertain. Whatever it is that has caused a couple to be apart, the one person who remains bears the prospect, fear, doubt, desire, hope of saving his or her marriage… ALONE.

In some of our minds, it stands to argue that since there are two people in this marriage, shouldn’t both of us be present to actually try and save it? Or, worse, it’s his, her, their fault so shouldn’t he, she, they be the ones to make amends? I am just the victim here, after all!

We are telling you right now – if you want to save your marriage and if you find yourself alone in this desire, the above will definitely not help you do it — that type of talk is at the minimum, negative and at most, self-defeating! It propagates the belief that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to save your marriage and you should just let it go down the drain. So not true. There is still something you CAN DO. Even in your loneliness and solitude, you CAN save your marriage.

How? Let’s begin first by examining what it means to be on your own.

As human beings, we hate being alone. After all, it’s part of our make up to be social creatures. In fact, babies develop very early on feelings of trust, companionship and parental support. If they don’t get these, say when they’re hungry we fail to feed them on time, or if they’re wet, we fail to change their diaper, humans develop fears of mistrust, abandonment and solitude. Unfortunately, we carry these fears with us as we get older.

The paradox is that as we grow older in the love, trust, companionship and support of our significant others, we develop an internal strength of self that makes us whole, happy human beings. Ideally, the mature human person should have developed a strong sense of self-awareness, confidence and self-esteem as he or she reaches adulthood. These become the windows with which we view the world, flaws and all. These make up part of our personal shelter amidst challenges and difficulties. This is called SELF-ACTUALIZATION.

However, many of us enter into adult life without even being aware of this beautiful, human truth. We may have experienced abandonment in our childhood or been disappointed by our romantic relationships; whatever it is, it has caused to shift from proper mature development to fears of abandonment and the inability to see that we can stand on our own two feet.

Thus, many of us enter relationships and marriages with the hope, plan and dream that we would never be alone. We invest so much on our partner, focusing our entire beings on them and relying on them to make us happy and secure. Unfortunately, this perspective carries with it its own poison. It’s as if we have blinders on all the time. When our partner indicates some form of dissatisfaction with the relationship, we panic. When our partner leaves, our fears kick in. When something goes wrong with our marriages, it is very easy for us to place the blame of the other person for having made us unhappy.

In order to save your marriage on your own, the key then is a paradigm shift, meaning, the key is to change your attitude and focus. Stop focusing on your partner – stop the blaming, stop the inaction. Take a good look at yourself. You can definitely NOT control your partner’s feelings, attitude and reactions but you can control your own. You can go from fearing abandonment to actually taking responsibility for yourself and your own happiness. This is where the human truth about self-actualization comes in. Understand, adapt and internalize this for yourself. Learn it. It will spell the difference not just in your marriage but in YOU.

Put simply, a whole human being is easy to love. A happy person attracts happiness. In starting with yourself, you can move from being an unhappy, clingy, difficult person to one who can provide an environment of safety, wisdom, trust and open communication.

Think what’s more attractive to your spouse… the happy, confident you they fell in love with, or the angry, needy, desperate one they may face now?

From hereon, dealing with your absent or disengaged partner could even get easier – for you and for them. For all you know, you may just surprise each other.

Rather than beat yourself up in desperation, try these:

– Breathe
– Smile
– Let go
– Believe that reconnection is possible
– See a counselor for YOURSELF not just for your marriage
– Examine your part in contributing to the difficulties in your marriage
– Forgive yourself
– Change
– Look after your health, beauty and well-being

For all you know, during this self actualization process your partner (and you) may just rediscover the person they first fell in love with and more. For all you know, this is the type of you that would allow your partner to come back and initiate communication. When that happens, you have every opportunity to sit down with him or her, discuss your motivations, plans and feelings. You can even get to the real issues surrounding your marital difficulties and actually begin taking positive steps to work them through.

In being open and mature, you can also provide an environment where love and intimacy can flourish once more. With all the confidence and sincerity you have gathered, take these steps. Plus one more. Even in your separation, conflict or difficulties, find it in you to continue loving your partner and showing him or her that you do. Through little, subtle acts, like preparing a snack for him or her or spending some quality TV time, you can rekindle love in your marriage. They don’t have to be grand gestures, they just have to be sincere. And coming from the mature, new you, they will.

Remember, you are the one that’s responsible for being the happy you. Your spouse hasn’t taken that from you… not unless you let them.

It’s time to take the power back and reconnect with your true, confident, beautiful self.

If you’re not ready to give up on your marriage, I want you to check out a short video (It will only take a few minutes).

==>> How To Give Your Marriage A Second Chance

The tips and strategies you learn in this short video could save your marriage.

Here’s to your marriage succes.