If there's anything all those country love songs lament about, it's
cheating. It's practically a cliché - country song, cheating...
cheating... well you get the picture.
With the sheer number of cheating songs out there, one could
develop the suspicion that maybe cheating does happen more often
than we think.
Based on statistics, up to 75% of relationships will be tainted by
cheating spouses and unfaithfulness at one point or the other;
and in 60% of these, the offended partner will not even know it's
going on.
This might seem alarming but it's true and you know it. You
probably know someone in your immediate circle of friends and
family that's been unfaithful. Heck, you may have considered the
thought at times.
But, before you become a love song casualty, is there anything you
can do to cheat-proof your relationship?
Of course, there are no guarantees. What we hope to do, however, is
to arm you and your partner with enough information, strategies and
insights for you to actually make yourselves and your relationship
STRONG enough to resist the temptation to cheat.
Read that statement again. It's saying what you think it is. The
power to cheat-proof your relationship lies in how you and your
partner can put in the effort to make whole, healthy, mature
individuals in a whole, healthy, mature relationship.
And building this type of relationship requires information,
strategies and insights that would change your attitudes towards
each other and relationships in general. There, I've given the
secret away.
Let's take it one element at a time.
INFORMATION
Many people think that if someone cheats in a relationship, they
are born cheating spouses. Actually, this is not necessarily true. Sure
there are those with chronic, psychological problems but those
already require professional, clinical help and are beyond the
scope of this newsletter.
In the everyday, run-of-the-mill marriage or relationship cheating
is the product of a complex set of factors.
It could be partly behavioral - something from an individual's
childhood, even social conditioning (i.e. it's there, you're a guy,
take advantage) - but also, more often, a symptom of problems in
the relationship.
Men and women also approach cheating differently. Men sometimes
cheat because they are not getting sex at home or as avoidance of
even bigger problems with their marriage. Women tend to cheat
because they want to feel loved, valued and supported.
To begin cheat-proofing your relationship you have to arm yourself
with this information. Know why people cheat in general and find
out if these conditions could be present in your relationship.
It is important that hand in hand with this you get to know yourself
very well.
Why would you do the things you do? What tendencies show up in your
behavior?
Additionally, get to know your partner intimately - what are his or
her motivations? Attitudes? Tendencies? What factors influence his
or her behavior?
All in all, remember this: What you know, you can understand. What
you understand, you can choose to keep or choose to change.
ATTITUDES
As you get to know yourself and your partner, take note of the
negative attitudes that can actually trigger rather than hinder
infidelity in your marriage. Studies have found that there are 2
most common negative attitudes: Jealousy and Perfectionism.
If you pay attention to these 2 attitudes, you'll discover that
they both stem from insecurities and lack of self-esteem within
OURSELVES. They are not products of our relationship. And, usually,
our partner is not even to blame for what is lacking.
We view the world from a hazy perspective. With unwarranted
jealousy, something in us fails to trust and always feels that our
partner prefers someone else over us.
With perfectionism, we expect that our relationship will be the
best it can ever be - placing undue expectations on it and on our
partner that, realistically, they can never deliver. After all, in
an imperfect world, you can only expect so much.
Become intimately acquainted with these two negative attitudes. Do
you have one or the other? Do you find yourself reacting to your
partner with these leading the way?
If so, STOP. As you get to know yourself, you have the opportunity
to CHANGE yourself. It will only be for your own good and for the
good of your relationship that you evolve into a positive, happy
secure person.
STRATEGIES
Information, getting to know yourself and your partner... what are
these for? Perhaps you fail to remember that the key words here are
"cheat-proofing" and "relationship". You already have some
background, now we expand on the how.
The only way to go about it could be summed up in this way. Make
your relationship a QUALITY relationship. Make your relationship
with your partner such a precious and valuable part of your life
that cheating will no longer be an issue.
In the same way that you try to improve yourself, improve your
relationship as well. You can begin with the simple and yet
meaningful proposition: It's not just about you it's about your
partner too.
Supporting, listening, understanding and being there for your
partner are non-negotiables. Being there for each other demands a
balance between improving yourself daily and looking out for the
welfare of the other.
This includes keeping the lines of communication open between the
two of you, developing the right communication tools necessary to
remain honest and sincere with one another.
This requires prioritizing your relationship above your other
social or familial obligations - which means you put your partner
first - even above your children.
This means keeping all the aspects of your relationship intact and
GROWING - intimacy, friendship, passion, companionship, respect,
reverence. This means quality time and dates, loving acts and
honest discussions.
Slacking off could mean growing apart, growing apart could mean
allowing a third person to get in the way.
On the other hand, trying too hard may revert you to the old
diseases of jealousy and perfectionism. This is why in maintaining
your balance; you also have to keep your independence. It's ok to
have some space and time apart. In fact, you will even appreciate
each other more for it.
Giving each other the breathing room allows you to recharge your
batteries and even continue with your work of self-improvement -
which, as I said, would only prove beneficial for your
relationship.
As we mentioned previously, there are no guarantees. Realistically
speaking, however, we hope that these suggestions will give you and
your marriage a fighting chance.
Of course, these are nothing without EFFORT. Cheat-proofing your
relationship may not be easy but we know that it may just be WORTH
IT.
