Category: Making Marriage Last

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Marriage Separation: Fixable or The End?

When your spouse walks out that door, it feels like in that moment that your marriage separation is the end of the road.

With careful planning and the right attitude, however…

It isn’t.

With the right attitude and preparation, separating for a prearranged period of time can give a marriage much needed perspective on the reasons you fell in love with your spouse to begin with, remind you that you feel happier and more fulfilled when you’re together, and let you remember the good times without being reminded of the difficulties on a daily basis.

In order for a marriage separation or a trial separation to work, you both need to be very clear about its objectives. These need to be transparent to both parties.

Put simply, you both need to discuss what it involves and what expectations you place on each other during the separation period. You also need to both be very clear about what you hope to achieve from this time of separation.

Is this a trial, simply giving one or both of you some space and time to think, or is this a ploy to punish the other?

Is the separation a prelude to divorce, or is it an opportunity to let the absent heart grow fonder? You need to be very clear what this is and how you both expect to go about it. Without clear discussion and expectations, a separation is doomed to fail.

You need to be able to sit down as a couple discuss the issues around a temporary separation. You may want a formal or written agreement.

Outline what goals you expect to achieve or issues you want to consider, how you are going to reach these goals, how often you are going to maintain contact, and what expectations you are going to place on each other regarding dating others, sex, and how you are going to monitor if you are making progress in rebuilding your marriage.

If you are constantly preoccupied with the thought of leaving, this is no small fantasy. This is a major red flag, and certainly a time when a trial separation should be seriously considered. But let’s think about why you’re preoccupied with leaving.

Do you see leaving the relationship as being easier than dealing with the issues?

Is it a feeling of exhaustion at a seemingly endless period of frustration or unhappiness?

If so, what steps have you taken to help alleviate this feeling?

Is an outside perspective through counseling helpful in overcoming unresolved issues?

Make a list. Think of all the ways your life is going to change if you were single again. Then divide them into positives and negatives. Are you really better off or is it worth fighting for?

Will spending time apart fix those issues? How will it bring you closer as a couple?

All important considerations to take on board as you face a possible marriage separation…

The important thing to remember here is that you don’t have to love your spouse’s behavior or their actions. But in not loving, indeed even hating their actions, it is still possible to love the person they are.

And that’s an important distinction. Hate the sin, love the sinner.

Certainly if you can see your relationship as such then there is hope. Besides, we only hate people we care about. It’s when either of you (or both of you) feel nothing that your marriage is in serious trouble!

But remember, a trial separation is a serious, last ditch effort to affect change in a relationship. It is not to be taken lightly, as a separation can remind you of the good times and bring you back together with your spouse, a renewed determination to fix the issues and build a better life together, but it can also – and perhaps more easily – show you that a divorce is the best route to take.

But is it?

See you again next time.

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How to make your man adore you

If you’re a woman…

Do you ever wonder why men do some of the CRAZY, unexplained things they do?
Do you ever feel completely puzzled by your man’s behavior?

If it seems like sometimes your husband’s behavior or responses to you are
completely weird or irrational, don’t feel bad… because you’re exactly right.

You see, science teaches us that while some of our desires and drives are conscious,
many of them are not. This is ESPECIALLY true for men.

While most men would NEVER admit this (most don’t even know it), some of their
behaviors, drives, and desires are biologically driven.

How Men Are Wired Different…

In other words, in some areas, men don’t have a choice. They are simply “wired” a
certain way which is different to women… hence the confusion.

This is why he can seem considerate and thoughtful one moment, and callous and
cold a few seconds later.

This is why sometimes you’re caught off-guard by his unexpected harsh words, or
cold behavior. It’s why you’re sometimes left feeling as if he “pulled the rug out from
under you” and you’re left wondering what you did wrong…

But don’t worry. None of this is an excuse to let him get away with stupid behavior.
In fact, when used correctly, you can use this understanding and knowledge of mens’
behavior to get what you want from your man.

To Get What You Want from Your Man, Understand This…

Change starts when we recognize the simple biological differences between men
and women. For instance….

Women generally want connection and family: they define themselves by their
relationships.

They have the nurturing instinct, the need to take care of others and maintain the
health and wellness of the people they care for.

Men, however, generally identify themselves by what they do: they want to be
providers, caretakers, protectors.

A man has a need to take care of the family and be the breadwinner. It is a
subconscious need — most men are not even aware that they have this need or drive.

While men have many of these subconscious drives, there are at least five basic
needs that all men have deep within themselves; if any of these needs are not being
met, it will cause problems in your relationship.

The 5 Basic Needs that ALL Men Have…

What are these needs? They are:

1. Words of affirmation and praise.

2. A sense of being respected.

3. The feeling that he is being listened to and heard.

4. Physical touch. (This doesn’t necessarily mean sex, but rather affection.)

5. Intimacy and bonding (yes, believe it or not!)

All you have to do is meet these five basic needs, and meet them consistently, to see
your relationship transformed right before your eyes.

Meeting these needs gives you a great deal of influence with your man — he’ll be
willing to do almost ANYTHING you ask, at the drop of a hat, because you have
suddenly become the source of most of the good feelings he’s having about his life.

He may not even realize what’s happening.

The best part is, this is “ethical influence” because you’re meeting his most basic
psychological needs. Not wants, but needs. It’s as if you are nourishing his soul.

And what do YOU get out of the deal? The man you want — the man who adores you,
shows true affection towards you, and puts you ahead of everything else in his life.

Why? Because you make it easy to make him feel good about himself and his place
in the world (and especially in your relationship).

==> 3 More Tips On How to Get Your Man to Do What You Want…

Try it today, and see for yourself.

P.S. A man’s brain and behavior can be tough to predict, but I’ve identified a set of
secret triggers, that when accessed, will wake him up so he’s more interested in
what YOU are saying than in the darn remote control.

==> Secret Triggers That Activate Your Man’s Love Circuitry…

By using a particular set of words and phrases – triggers that set off new patterns in
his brain – you will cause your man to automatically… see you… hear you…
UNDERSTAND you…

… to listen without criticizing, and let you share your feelings without trying to “fix”
you. And the best part is that I figured out how to do this without trickery,
manipulation, begging, or drama.

That’s all for now… Enjoy!

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5 Ways To Stop Divorce

It may feel like it’s over and there is nothing you can do…

But you have more power over your future than you think.

They may say they hate you or never want to see you again. They may have already shifted out.

But you can stop divorce from happening in your marriage by following these 5 steps:

1. Don’t be afraid to make the first move
It’s very tempting to assume the victim mentality in a marriage dispute and wait for your spouse to make the first move to save your marriage. The problem is, while you are waiting for them to initiate the process, you could be losing them.

Every moment you’re living in negativity or living apart, you’re reinforcing those behaviors that prevent you from getting back together.

Being the first to apologize or initiate conversation isn’t a sign of weakness. And being right isn’t all that great if you end up divorced. Making the first move is a tangible sign of your commitment to the marriage. It also begins the transformation from negativity to solving your problems. Your actions may be the one thing that saves your marriage.

2. Listen and learn
All of us have things we want to say, things we want to defend, and frustrations we want to voice. But equally important as talking is the ability to listen.

Listen to what your spouse is trying to tell you. Consider how their feelings have influenced their actions and responses. A moment listening may alleviate hours of miscommunication or misunderstanding about what the real issues are and how you can heal them.

3. Be willing to make changes
Every crisis opportunity is a chance to take a look at yourself and the relationship and make some changes. It may be an emerging lifestyle pattern that has led your marriage to the brink of collapse. That’s why it’s important to consider what changes you can both make to improve the relationship.

It might mean a change of jobs, a change of home or town, and a commitment to living your dream life instead of your current life. An ability to see changes with an open mind can pay dividends for the long-term success of your marriage.

4. Think and talk solutions
It’s easy to point out the things you or your spouse has done wrong. The real challenge is in considering and discussing solutions to the problems that plague your marriage. This change of mindset, from a victim and problems mindset to a creative and solutions-based mindset is vital to looking forward and forever fixing the marriage issues rather than sweeping them under the carpet.

5. Invest in the relationship
Being in a relationship can be exhausting. It can also be competitive. A relationship doesn’t have to come at a cost to your sense of self. A healthy, supportive relationship can assist you in reaching your goals rather than hinder them. By investing your time and efforts into your relationship, and working on being the best husband or wife you can possibly be, the rewards both to your sense of happiness and wellbeing can be huge.

Resist the temptation to invest in negativity. Put that effort into you and your relationship and watch your future grow.

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How to save your marriage on your own

One of the most common questions we encounter is this:

How could one partner save their floundering marriage on their own?

It is a typical enough story – one partner leaves, the other stays. One remains “in love”, the other is uncertain. Whatever it is that has caused a couple to be apart, the one person who remains bears the prospect, fear, doubt, desire, hope of saving his or her marriage… ALONE.

In some of our minds, it stands to argue that since there are two people in this marriage, shouldn’t both of us be present to actually try and save it? Or, worse, it’s his, her, their fault so shouldn’t he, she, they be the ones to make amends? I am just the victim here, after all!

We are telling you right now – if you want to save your marriage and if you find yourself alone in this desire, the above will definitely not help you do it — that type of talk is at the minimum, negative and at most, self-defeating! It propagates the belief that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to save your marriage and you should just let it go down the drain. So not true. There is still something you CAN DO. Even in your loneliness and solitude, you CAN save your marriage.

How? Let’s begin first by examining what it means to be on your own.

As human beings, we hate being alone. After all, it’s part of our make up to be social creatures. In fact, babies develop very early on feelings of trust, companionship and parental support. If they don’t get these, say when they’re hungry we fail to feed them on time, or if they’re wet, we fail to change their diaper, humans develop fears of mistrust, abandonment and solitude. Unfortunately, we carry these fears with us as we get older.

The paradox is that as we grow older in the love, trust, companionship and support of our significant others, we develop an internal strength of self that makes us whole, happy human beings. Ideally, the mature human person should have developed a strong sense of self-awareness, confidence and self-esteem as he or she reaches adulthood. These become the windows with which we view the world, flaws and all. These make up part of our personal shelter amidst challenges and difficulties. This is called SELF-ACTUALIZATION.

However, many of us enter into adult life without even being aware of this beautiful, human truth. We may have experienced abandonment in our childhood or been disappointed by our romantic relationships; whatever it is, it has caused to shift from proper mature development to fears of abandonment and the inability to see that we can stand on our own two feet.

Thus, many of us enter relationships and marriages with the hope, plan and dream that we would never be alone. We invest so much on our partner, focusing our entire beings on them and relying on them to make us happy and secure. Unfortunately, this perspective carries with it its own poison. It’s as if we have blinders on all the time. When our partner indicates some form of dissatisfaction with the relationship, we panic. When our partner leaves, our fears kick in. When something goes wrong with our marriages, it is very easy for us to place the blame of the other person for having made us unhappy.

In order to save your marriage on your own, the key then is a paradigm shift, meaning, the key is to change your attitude and focus. Stop focusing on your partner – stop the blaming, stop the inaction. Take a good look at yourself. You can definitely NOT control your partner’s feelings, attitude and reactions but you can control your own. You can go from fearing abandonment to actually taking responsibility for yourself and your own happiness. This is where the human truth about self-actualization comes in. Understand, adapt and internalize this for yourself. Learn it. It will spell the difference not just in your marriage but in YOU.

Put simply, a whole human being is easy to love. A happy person attracts happiness. In starting with yourself, you can move from being an unhappy, clingy, difficult person to one who can provide an environment of safety, wisdom, trust and open communication.

Think what’s more attractive to your spouse… the happy, confident you they fell in love with, or the angry, needy, desperate one they may face now?

From hereon, dealing with your absent or disengaged partner could even get easier – for you and for them. For all you know, you may just surprise each other.

Rather than beat yourself up in desperation, try these:

– Breathe
– Smile
– Let go
– Believe that reconnection is possible
– See a counselor for YOURSELF not just for your marriage
– Examine your part in contributing to the difficulties in your marriage
– Forgive yourself
– Change
– Look after your health, beauty and well-being

For all you know, during this self actualization process your partner (and you) may just rediscover the person they first fell in love with and more. For all you know, this is the type of you that would allow your partner to come back and initiate communication. When that happens, you have every opportunity to sit down with him or her, discuss your motivations, plans and feelings. You can even get to the real issues surrounding your marital difficulties and actually begin taking positive steps to work them through.

In being open and mature, you can also provide an environment where love and intimacy can flourish once more. With all the confidence and sincerity you have gathered, take these steps. Plus one more. Even in your separation, conflict or difficulties, find it in you to continue loving your partner and showing him or her that you do. Through little, subtle acts, like preparing a snack for him or her or spending some quality TV time, you can rekindle love in your marriage. They don’t have to be grand gestures, they just have to be sincere. And coming from the mature, new you, they will.

Remember, you are the one that’s responsible for being the happy you. Your spouse hasn’t taken that from you… not unless you let them.

It’s time to take the power back and reconnect with your true, confident, beautiful self.

If you’re not ready to give up on your marriage, I want you to check out a short video (It will only take a few minutes).

==>> How To Give Your Marriage A Second Chance

The tips and strategies you learn in this short video could save your marriage.

Here’s to your marriage succes.

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5 Easy Ways To Fix Marriage Issues

Sometimes it can feel as though our marriage is all consuming.

If your marriage problems feel as though they are sucking the very life force out of you, check out these 5 easy ways to fix marriage issues.

1. Describe your issue in three sentences (or less).
All of us have the ability to overcomplicate our situation. All too often a seemingly simple marriage problem is blow out of proportion by historical wounds or peripheral issues. Your spouse might say things like “I don’t want to talk” or “I’m not good at talking.” Usually, the real issue is that he or she gets easily flooded with too much information and shuts down. So, when bringing up an issue, end your description after three sentences. For example, cut off your point at “You said you’d clean up the kitchen, and you didn’t.” Don’t add on all those extra but related issues like: “You don’t do what you say you’re going to do. I can’t trust you. I can’t even trust what you’re going to do next. And by the way, I saw that you also left the toilet seat up again.”

2. Praise, Praise, Praise.
Surprise your spouse with praise just when they are most expecting you to criticize them. For example, if your spouse has a tendency to be overbearing with your children, and the two of you have fought about this, repeatedly, wait until you hear them talking about something together. After he or she is finished and your child has left the room, say something like: “I so admire the way you used negotiation to work out a solution. I appreciate how you explain where he’s done wrong, not just that he’s done something bad.” It’s disarming. It’s unexpected, and it encourages new behavior — from both of you by focusing less on the negative and more on positive reinforcement.

3. End the phony I-statements.
Many of us know about the value of an “I-statement,” a technique that requires you to talk about your feelings instead of your partner’s behavior. For example, if your partner is frequently late, instead of saying to him, “You’re always late. It’s so rude,” you might say, “It’s more difficult for me when you’re late because I don’t know how to plan the dinner.” This way, you can talk about the issue without attacking him. But be warned: Not all statements that begin with the word “I” are I-statements. Tacking on an “I think” does not necessarily mean you are talking about yourself. Avoid comments like “I think you’re controlling,” or “I think you’re treating me like your nosey, pushy mother.” That is, unless you want to start a big fight.

4. Anticipation is worse than reality.
If you’re sick of hearing, say, your partner’s repetitive worry about what’s going to happen in his job, you need to initiate that very conversation to get it out in the open and get it dealt with. You may worry that you will open the emotional dams and have to talk about what you least want to hear about — for forever. But in fact, your partner will dwell on the issue less if you really invite them to tell you everything in one fell swoop. You don’t have to come up with solutions or cheer them up. You just have to listen. Your spouse has to feel as though you are the first person they can come to. If they go to others first, your marriage is in trouble.

5. Invent an imaginary guest to stay.
All of us have much more control over our behavior than we like to think, even when we’re fuming with our spouse and feel that they are the sole reason for our misery! For instance, if you had a very proper, prestigious guest at your home, sleeping in the bedroom adjacent to yours, sitting with you in your loungeroom and dining with you at your table, you’d act differently during arguments. You’d behave more kindly and politely to your spouse when, say, he lied to you about working late when in fact he was having a swift beer with his buddies, if only because you didn’t want to feel deeply ashamed. So the next time you consider screaming, imagine that high status houseguest lying in the guest room, overhearing your every word. It will modify your behavior like nothing else!

This is only the beginning of what you can learn. If you want 3 more priceless insights to save your marriage from divorce, or want to discover the 3 deadly mistakes you must avoid in your marriage, check out this short video:

==>> Create Your Dream Marriage

Even if you’re the only one who wants to fix things.

Watch it now.

Enjoy!

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4 Tips for Helping A Marriage Affected By Depression

Do you want to save your marriage and depression is the
issue?

Have you sensed that your spouse is going through a trying
time?

Is he or she displaying signs of sadness or depression?

Do you wonder how you can support your partner through
the challenges presented by marriage and depression?

Has the depression caused serious marital problems?

It can be difficult when your spouse is going through a
season of depression or is clinically depressed.

You might try so hard to make him or her feel better to no
avail. Not only does depression affect the sufferer, it also
affects those closes to them.

You may feel tired, frustrated, and even feel powerless.

Today I’d like to discuss several tangible things you
can do to help save your marriage when your spouse is
depressed.

There are all sorts of problems that marriages face and
emotional ones are no exception.

When one of the partners in a marriage is depressed, a
logical flow on effect is trouble for the marriage itself. It’s
times like this that the onus falls upon you to lead you and
your spouse through the troubled times and seek out help.

The spouse might be depressed because they have lost their
job, are severely ill, overly stressed from work, or chemically
imbalanced.

Romanticism would state that love can be the ultimate medicine
for all problems, but in reality it’s most likely not enough.

Though you love your partner, you may need to take some
additional steps to help them cope with and treat depression.

** Have a discussion **

It is a good idea to have a conversation with your spouse
about your observation of their depression.

Tell them that you’ve noticed some of the signs and you are
concerned.

Ask your spouse if they would be willing to share what is
bothering them and if there is anything you can do to help.
Even though they may not feel you can help them, asking or
offering help is a reminder to them that depression is not a
burden that has to be shouldered alone.

Even though it may be difficult, you must sit down and
have a heart to heart with your spouse – especially if you feel it
has caused the marriage severe discord.

Getting the subject out in the open is the first step towards
taking the fear out of depression. The next is finding out
how to react to and treat it.

** Evaluate treatment options **

Those that suffer from depression do have some effective
treatment options.

Discuss the possibility of seeking a therapist who
specializes in depression.

Your spouse may simply need to talk openly and honestly to a
counseling professional to get through the depression or learn
effective coping skills.

If the depression is more serious or due to a chemical
imbalance, they could begin taking an antidepressant that
can reduce or eliminate symptoms.

Just getting out there and addressing the issue is a
wonderful first step toward managing the depression.

** Refrain from excessive caretaking **

Sometimes when a person becomes mildly or moderately
depressed, they may not feel like doing their normal duties
around the house.

They may want to spend more time sleeping, leaving you to
take care of all the duties.

Though you may be tempted to take the brunt of the
workload, refrain from excessive caretaking.

He or she may be going through a difficult time, but they
must still take responsibility for getting to a solution
to their issues.

If you continually do everything for them, they may be
perfectly fine to remain in this state of depression for years
while your life is sucked right out of you.

Yes, you have to take care of your loved one, but you also
need to take care of yourself. Stand firm and discuss your
feelings if you feel they are building up and causing
resentment.

Tell them that you love them and that you will
support them, but at the same time challenge them
to recognize their depression and take some
responsibility towards treatment.

You can be their husband or wife, lover, and support
person. But you cannot be their nurse, parent, or
emotional punching bag.

Recognize your limits and work together with your
loved one to make sure they get the correct level of
support they need, including but not exclusively you.

** Be patient and loving **

I’m sure your spouse does not want to be suffering from
depression.

Try to be as patient and loving as you can.

Many times the period of depression will lift on its own
and things will be back to normal.

Be extra loving and try to understand that your spouse is
not deliberately trying to hurt you or destroy the
marriage.

Remember, patience is paramount.

Your spouse might not be able to love you right now. It’s
not personal. They may not even love themselves all that
much until they are able to get on top of their depression.

Remember, there are times when you are being called to a
deeper level of loving. This is one of these times. The love
and support you offer your spouse in their depression may
be the only thing that helps draw them out of this.

Your love right now may be the most important gift you can
offer them.

Love them. Treasure them. Help them.

Best of luck.

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Top 4 Causes For Divorce (And What To Do About It)

Do you find yourself worrying about divorce in your
marriage?

Are you concerned about all of the couples around you that
you see ending up divorced?

Do you ever look at your spouse or your marriage and worry
that you are heading down the same terrible path?

Divorce is a terrible thing and though it has become so
prevalent, it doesn’t always have to be that way.

If you find yourself worrying about your marriage heading
down this path, there are some things to be aware of.

Many experts will tell you that there are four main
predictors that indicate if divorce is in the foreseeable
future. In many instances you can reverse the behavior and
path with a bit of attention and compassion.

So if you find that your marriage or feelings for your
spouse fall into one of these areas below, it’s time to pay
attention and do what you can to reverse it once and for
all.

Top 4 Causes For Divorce

1. Being overly critical with each other:
When people start getting too comfortable and criticizing rather than
talking, things take a wrong turn.

Being supportive is great and offering advice is one
thing, but that can quickly evolve into criticism. You may
not even realize that you are doing it with each other,
but well meaning advice can evolve into nagging or even
noise.

Try to take a step back and recognize if you are critical
with your spouse and then work to correct it.

When you feel comfortable with each other, it’s easy
enough to point out each other’s problem areas or try to
push them to be better.

If it seems that the criticism is overly negative,
unwarranted, or not taken well, then it’s time to put a
stop to this behavior. Replace with some positivity and
focus instead on what you appreciate about each other for
a wonderful twist that can help save your marriage!

2. Being defensive instead of working as a team:
Every couple fights but some couples go after each other with
vigor.

Being on the defensive or even worse the offensive is good
for a game, but not for a marriage. You may not think that
you set out to hurt each other but it quickly manifests
into that.

You bring past mistakes or fights into current discussions
and the arguments transform into something awful from
there.

A couple that is successfully married for the long haul
has a mutual respect for each other and the point of view
that the other person holds.

Though you may not always agree with each other, when you
are defensive, testy, or hurtful with each other is when
bad things happen.

Try not to introduce this mindset or way of living into
the marriage-and if it’s already there then work to
replace it with respect, compromise, and some sort of
support or understanding.

Work together or you work against each other!

3. Using the silent treatment improperly:
Different fighting styles can wreak havoc on the best of marriages.

If one of you needs time to cool down in a fight and the
other doesn’t this can be perceived as the silent
treatment and it simply doesn’t work.

Not only that but using silence to avoid confrontation
rather than address issues in a healthy and well
intentioned manner can deteriorate the best marriage. You
need to be careful about silence as it can act as a
weapon, whether you mean for it to or not.

If you have issues to discuss then do so in a healthy and
calm manner. If you need a moment to calm down, then
verbalize that the right way. When silence replaces
conversation then the marriage is heading in a downward
spiral and it’s time to stop it!

4. Feeling contempt towards one another rather than respect:
When you think of what contempt is at the core
it’s a true combination of disgust and anger.

That is surely never going to be a good foundation for a
marriage to work off of. You have more than likely made
mistakes in the past that you wish you could have taken
back.

You both likely harbor ill feelings about past issues in
your marriage or even previous relationships. When you
show contempt towards each other, nothing positive will
come out of it.

You must find a way to respect each other, even if you
don’t always respect each other’s choices. So though you
may have a hard time getting over something in the past or
take issue with your spouse in some way, you must find a
way to get through it.

If you don’t and you continue to show contempt towards
each other, then you can practically assure that your
marriage won’t work.

Marriage is not always easy and takes two people to make
it successful.

If you can overcome these most common causes for divorce,
then you can be one of the great success stories that people
look to in a positive light!

Readers… Do you have any common problem areas that are
causing your marriage grief?

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How To Survive Money Issues In Marriage

Do you feel like you fight about money constantly?

If there is one issue that causes upset in
your relationship, does it center around money issues?

Do you wish that you could just figure out a winning
strategy and make these fights a thing of the past?

If that sounds like you, you’re not alone.

I got the following email from Malcolm, a frustrated
reader, who’s having a difficult time managing the finances
and the marriage.

Dear Amy and Andrew,

Thanks for allowing me the chance to share my situation.

My wife and I seem to be heading towards divorce if we don’t
make some big changes soon, but I can’t see a way forward.

We married 17 years ago and for the most part, we have been
happy all that time. We have three children aged 3, 7 and 11,
and we both work hard and have a good support network of
friends and family members.

I guess I could say the problems began to surface around 3-4
years ago, when the recession really started to bite here. My
wife lost her job and has struggled to get another one, having
to make do with part-time work which often involves her working
evenings.

Up until then we both earned good incomes and enjoyed a good
lifestyle. We own a home as well as a rental investment, and had
regular family holidays.

Since my wife’s change in employment and my reduction in hours
(I used to work a bit of overtime which has since been cut back),
money is a bit tighter and we find ourselves fighting more and
more about how to make ends meet.

I’ve always come from a very conservative background, so I tend
to sway towards saving, but my wife seems to spend largely as
she always has on stuff I don’t feel we need. It feels like when
I try to talk to her about this, she sees my opinion as trying to
control her.

I wish she wouldn’t see it that way. I just worry about how to
live the best life we can and provide for our children on
reduced household income.

Who is right? Should we both go to see a financial advisor?
Should we looking at marriage counseling first? I see it as a
money issue. My wife sees it as a marriage issue.

I’m confused. Can you help?

– Malcolm.
Dear Malcolm,

If you feel like all you do is fight about money,
spending, saving, and all thing related, then you’re not
alone. Marriage and financial problems happen to be the
number one reason that committed couples argue!

That may not make it easier when you are going through it,
but it certainly helps you to understand just how common
of an issue this really is.

You may feel as if you are constantly going through the
same scenario and yet no changes are made to try and
improve the situation.

So how can you get ahead of these problems?

How can you learn to work together on money issues and be
a team rather than work against each other?

There are some important questions to ask yourself and
some helpful ways to make this a workable issue in your
relationship.

If you want to be a couple who sees eye to eye on
finances, then here are some things to consider.

Do You Both Have Similar Money Habits Or Are You Total
Opposites?

A very important question to consider is if you both have
similar habits when it comes to finances. This can work
for or against you depending on the way that it plays out.

If you are both spenders then this can be a very sticky
situation. You both enjoy life and get what you want, but
it can mean that you come up short on the funds every week
or month.

If you are both big into savings, then you may not mind
spending time at home rather than going out.

If you are both comfortable with a more subdued lifestyle
and happy to save your money, then this scenario may work
well for you.

Many couples however find that they are complete opposites
when it comes to their spending habits. When you have a
couple where one is a spender and one is a saver this can
be a blessing and a curse at the same time.

Some will say that this acts as a “check and balance” sort
of system whereby you never spend too much and you always
have a little in the bank.

Others will say that it’s a catalyst for arguments because
you both want different things and will continue to fight
about them.

It’s well worth looking at your spending habits to
determine if you can find some sort of middle ground to
make things easier moving forward.

Do You Have An Open Line of Communication As It Relates to
Finances?

Sometimes one partner spends their money freely and
doesn’t bother to communicate that to the other-this can
cause serious distress!

When you have an open line of communication about bills,
spending, savings, and everything else financially related
it can really help to ease the burden.

If you both know what you need to pay your bills per
month, and together you set targets concerning your
savings, then this makes for a great start.

You do want to discuss the big purchases and you want to
be on the same page in terms of what you can spend on
items like groceries and entertainment.

The key here is to track things for awhile and keep
communicating until you figure out a system that truly
works!

Is One Of You Solely In Charge Or Do You Share The
Responsibilities?

Here’s where some of the feelings of resentment or
bitterness come into play. If one of you handles paying
all of the bills, tracking expenses, and trying to save
for your future.

If one is out spending freely and the other is stressing
out about how to make the mortgage payment this month,
then that’s a problem.

Though one person often ends up being in charge of the
overall financial responsibility, it shouldn’t fall solely
on them.

Try taking turns with this responsibility or at the very
least have a monthly budget meeting until you get a handle
on things.

Just seeing in print where the money is going or what you
have saved (or not saved) can be eye opening for both
parties.

This can allow the two of you to discuss what changes need
to be made and even what sort of goals you have in mind in
the near and distant future.

If you have a big goal such as a new house, new car, or
even vacation in mind, then this becomes even more
important.

Try to share in the responsibilities or hand off from time
to time. Simply going through the state of finances for
the family each month can be a winning strategy moving
forward!

Have You Tried to Get On the Same Page About Financial
Issues Moving Forward?

What do you both want out of life?

Is it important to save for your child’s future or more
important to save for retirement?

Is it important to you that you get to go out to dinner a
couple of times a week or would you rather save the money?

From the biggest to the seemingly smallest financial item,
you want to determine each of your individual points of
view. Sometimes having different views on financial
matters can help you to figure out how you move forward
together.

You may not always win on your point, but you may find a
good compromise. So rather than aimlessly spending money
or not knowing where it’s going, you can figure out what’s
really important to each person.

This takes time and dedication from each person, but it’s
well worth the effort.

In most cases you can usually figure out what will keep
each person happy to some degree and move forward with it.

When in doubt, talk it out and you will find that your
financial future as a couple is far brighter!

Every crisis is a learning opportunity. You are being called
to work together to figure out a winning financial strategy.
The challenge for you is to apply some of these skills in
discussion as you identify and work towards common goals.

Do this, and the money issues in your marriage will become
a thing of the past.

Now for those of you reading, what additional tips would you
give this couple to help overcome their marriage issues? What
has worked for you or someone you know?

Your thoughts please…

Posted on

Advice About Marriage: Worst Husband In The World?

I get a lot of mail from customers, looking for advice about marriage and telling me about their broken marriages and the destructive things their spouses have done to them. Yet despite all the pain and hurt, it’s just not that simple to switch off those feelings of love.

We don’t always choose who we love, and one of the pitfalls of marriage conflicts is that those we love most also possess the greatest ability to hurt you.

But the hurt is the price we pay for love, which is why you look for advice on marriage. It can be fixed.

I had an email from a customer recently, who believed she had the worst husband in the world. Despite this, she loved him. She wants him to change. If he doesn’t, she’s not sure how she’s going to find her utopian place in the sun with him.

He cheated on her three times in the last 5 years. Each time she has forgiven him.

Just recently this customer celebrated her birthday. It was New Years Day, so she decided to host a party for all her friends on New Years Eve, combining the two celebrations. Everything went really well until about three minutes to Midnight when her husband asked to talk to her alone.

He told her he’s been having an affair again, and this time he’d been caught by a friend. She had threatened to tell his wife if he didn’t do it first. He begged her for another chance, saying that this time he will go to counseling, cut off all contact with the other woman, anything to save his marriage.

The timing couldn’t have been worse. It was just on Midnight on New Years Eve. It was also her birthday party. Should she forgive him? Can she forgive him?

My answer to her was this:

Here’s the thing. Ending the relationship right now would be the easy thing to do. He’s hurt you before, he has a history of doing this to you, and from what you’ve described, there has been little in the way of consequences for him each time he has let you (and himself) down.

But loving someone and simply switching those feelings off isn’t easy. He’s a bad boy, he’s hurt you and treated you bad, but among that, there are also some pretty good times. Am I correct?

So I guess any decision comes down to balancing out the times he makes you feel bad, with the times he lifts your spirits, loves you and supports you, and makes you feel like the princess you deserve to be.

Marriage is a funny thing. It teaches us to commit to one another, but nobody ever says how challenging that can be, especially if you’re not completely ready to settle down, or you see so many temptations around you that you’d just like to try.

And I’m inclined to think that’s exactly what it is. He’s like a bit of a kid. He likes treats. He likes to try a different flavor occasionally. And no matter how well you treat him or how amazing a wife you are, he’s never going to appreciate you until he’s had a chance to sample a few different flavors and get that craving out of his system.

Most of us hope we have that bit worked out BEFORE we get married. And many of us do. But there will be times in every marriage where we are tempted to try something different. Whether we actually do is a different thing.

So what’s my advice for you:
1. Ask your husband what he really wants. Does he want to still be married to you? Are his reasons for staying married the same as they were when you first got married, or is he simply staying because he’s afraid of hurting you? Point out that what he’s currently doing is hurting you, and that if he’s committing to staying, it needs to be followed up with some real changes.

2. This is not about YOU. I really don’t want you to spend the next few weeks or months second-guessing yourself and wondering if things would have been different had you done x… or y… The fact that this went on behind your back indicates it was all about him, and not at all about you. His decision. His choice. His actions. His selfish needs fulfilled. You didn’t come into it at all.

3. If you are both serious about saving your marriage, serious changes need to take place. If nothing changes in your marriage, you stand a high chance of it happening again. And again. And again.

To break the cycle, I would recommend you visit a counselor, at least for a few sessions to see what comes out. It may help reinforce one way or the other if you are both participating in this marriage and what the issues are to overcome.

Consider your routines and rituals. When is the last time you made special time for one another? Switched off the television and talked? Went for a walk together? Had a drink at your local wine bar together? Spent a weekend away as a couple?

Consider the small things. Do you both go to bed at the same time, or does one of you stay up watching television or surfing the net? Consider going to bed together and spending half an hour together talking, or reading books together. As long as you are in the same place at the same time, it’s a good start.

Have you considered a change of lifestyle? Sell the house and move closer to the beach? Downsize and spend less time mowing the lawns? Change of career or change of city? If you wanted to live your dream life, starting today, what changes would you make? What’s stopping you from doing some of those things NOW?

Ultimately any decision to save your marriage hinges on the two of you reaching out to each other rather than looking outward. The two of you have to figure this out, and my course gives you those tools, but ultimately you have to put the work in.

You’re not picking up where you left off. You’re committing to a new relationship. A better one. It’s possible if you want it.

What would your advice to this woman be? Has your marriage survived from a bombshell and what worked for you? What advice about marriage do you have? Please submit your thoughts and advice in the comments section below.

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Healthy Ways To Argue

Ideally, solving any conflict between your spouse is a simple process. All you have to do is point out the problem, take turns listening to each other and come up with a solution or compromise.

Easy, right?

But you know from experience that arguing with your spouse is never a straightforward exercise in communication. In the real world, so much can go wrong. For some couples, they’ve been down this road so many times that they don’t even bother trying anymore.

In their minds, they already expect things to escalate, so they avoid arguing altogether. We all know that avoiding conflict now is only postponing the inevitable since the same issues will come up again in the future. Pretty soon, you could very well alienate each other with this approach.

In other words, there’s no way around arguing with your spouse. So the question is: how can you manage conflicts to minimize the anger and frustration that often comes with it?

Be Constructive

Those who work in the customer service industry are trained to communicate with their clients in a constructive way. This is especially true when they’re dealing with difficult or irate customers – this is known as putting a positive spin.

For example, a technical support representative might a troubleshoot a computer problem by being positive with their statements instead of blaming the customer.

They know it won’t help the situation by saying something like, “Well, you wouldn’t have corrupted your flash drive if you hadn’t removed it in the middle of copying your files – that’s common sense!” Instead, they’ll probably get the customer to cooperate by rephrasing their statement to this:

“Well generally sir, disconnecting the flash drive while transferring files isn’t safe to do, but let’s see how we can recover the corrupted files.”

The main difference between the two statements is that the latter is more focused on moving forward towards a solution rather than accusing or blaming the other person.

In the same way, you can also bring up an issue with your spouse with the same approach. Understandably, this can be challenging when you’re in the heat of the moment and tempers are flaring.

Nevertheless, you can’t expect your spouse to see your point of view by bringing up the problem in a way that blames them for 100% of the problem. It’s just not possible to encourage cooperation by approaching the discussion like a debate from the get-go.

So if you’re upset because your spouse didn’t drop by the grocery store to pick up the ingredients you needed for tonight’s dinner, a good way to approach the problem like this:

“I was really counting on you to pick up the noodles and meat sauce for our pasta tonight. You know I asked you earlier today, and I’m upset because I wanted to make a nice dinner for us.”

You can probably tell what kind of results you’d get if you said something like this instead:

“I shouldn’t have asked you to get the stuff from the store – I knew you were going to forget to drop by! How could you be so forgetful?!”

Like we discussed earlier, there’s just no getting around a difficult matter. But that doesn’t mean you can’t point out the sore spots without directly attacking your partner. You’ll get much better results by “streamlining” your statements in a way that tackles the problem – not your partner’s feelings.

Turn The Tide

If there are things you can do to add to the tension, you can also do certain things that will have the opposite effect. Don’t underestimate the power your words have over your partner, so aside from using constructive statements, you can keep things from blowing over with the right choice of words.

A very good way to reverse the negative patterns of your arguments is by clearly communicating your feelings. This will give you an opportunity to break up a heated conversation.

To give you an idea, try saying something as simple as, “That really hurt, I wish you’d bring up the problem in a better way.” As with the last step, you’re not throwing around any accusations nor are you attacking your partner.

Another useful trick to calm things down is to use empathy in your statements. Instead of shooting down your spouse when they’re trying to make a point, try disagreeing this way:

“I get what you’re trying to say, but what I’m trying to understand is this…”

This way, you’ll reduce the tension even if you don’t share the same point of view. What matters is that your partner knows that you’re hearing them out in spite of the disagreement.

What most couples don’t realize is that having each others’ feelings validated can greatly help during an argument even if it doesn’t necessarily solve the actual issue. Then you can move on to find some common ground.

Of course, it would be unrealistic to expect you not to feel the least bit of anger while engaged in conflict with your spouse. To help you deal with this, don’t forget to refer to our earlier guide on dealing with anger.

Remember, these techniques work best when you use them together. Feel free to use a combination of the steps we talked about to prevent a simple argument from turning into an all-out war.

Be Ok With Imperfection

As we’ve said in our Save My Marriage Today book, all marriages go through a period of disillusionment after the honeymoon phase. It’s just a normal part of being together.

This is where a lot of couples run into trouble because they’re in denial about the reality that their relationship isn’t perfect. But then again, whose marriage is without problems?

This is something you also need to keep in mind when it comes to marital conflicts. Expecting everything to run smoothly or hoping that your spouse will one day be perfect is resisting the reality of imperfection.

When you allow yourself to be distracted with this mindset, you’ll be less inclined to find healthy ways to argue.

If you want to snap out of this, it’s vital to accept that two basic things in your marriage:

a) you’ll always fight about something in your marriage
b) you need to find a way around your issues

By bearing this in mind, you’ll realize that arguing with your spouse can be a healthy exercise that can actually bring you closer.

It will take some time for you to apply these things in your arguments. However, you’ll soon unlearn the negative patterns from the past and make a habit of out of applying these positive steps instead.