Author: Amy Waterman

Sometimes it can feel as though our marriage is all consuming.

If your marriage problems feel as though they are sucking the very life force out of you, check out these 5 easy ways to fix marriage issues.

1. Describe your issue in three sentences (or less).
All of us have the ability to overcomplicate our situation. All too often a seemingly simple marriage problem is blow out of proportion by historical wounds or peripheral issues. Your spouse might say things like “I don’t want to talk” or “I’m not good at talking.” Usually, the real issue is that he or she gets easily flooded with too much information and shuts down. So, when bringing up an issue, end your description after three sentences. For example, cut off your point at “You said you’d clean up the kitchen, and you didn’t.” Don’t add on all those extra but related issues like: “You don’t do what you say you’re going to do. I can’t trust you. I can’t even trust what you’re going to do next. And by the way, I saw that you also left the toilet seat up again.”

2. Praise, Praise, Praise.
Surprise your spouse with praise just when they are most expecting you to criticize them. For example, if your spouse has a tendency to be overbearing with your children, and the two of you have fought about this, repeatedly, wait until you hear them talking about something together. After he or she is finished and your child has left the room, say something like: “I so admire the way you used negotiation to work out a solution. I appreciate how you explain where he’s done wrong, not just that he’s done something bad.” It’s disarming. It’s unexpected, and it encourages new behavior — from both of you by focusing less on the negative and more on positive reinforcement.

3. End the phony I-statements.
Many of us know about the value of an “I-statement,” a technique that requires you to talk about your feelings instead of your partner’s behavior. For example, if your partner is frequently late, instead of saying to him, “You’re always late. It’s so rude,” you might say, “It’s more difficult for me when you’re late because I don’t know how to plan the dinner.” This way, you can talk about the issue without attacking him. But be warned: Not all statements that begin with the word “I” are I-statements. Tacking on an “I think” does not necessarily mean you are talking about yourself. Avoid comments like “I think you’re controlling,” or “I think you’re treating me like your nosey, pushy mother.” That is, unless you want to start a big fight.

4. Anticipation is worse than reality.
If you’re sick of hearing, say, your partner’s repetitive worry about what’s going to happen in his job, you need to initiate that very conversation to get it out in the open and get it dealt with. You may worry that you will open the emotional dams and have to talk about what you least want to hear about — for forever. But in fact, your partner will dwell on the issue less if you really invite them to tell you everything in one fell swoop. You don’t have to come up with solutions or cheer them up. You just have to listen. Your spouse has to feel as though you are the first person they can come to. If they go to others first, your marriage is in trouble.

5. Invent an imaginary guest to stay.
All of us have much more control over our behavior than we like to think, even when we’re fuming with our spouse and feel that they are the sole reason for our misery! For instance, if you had a very proper, prestigious guest at your home, sleeping in the bedroom adjacent to yours, sitting with you in your loungeroom and dining with you at your table, you’d act differently during arguments. You’d behave more kindly and politely to your spouse when, say, he lied to you about working late when in fact he was having a swift beer with his buddies, if only because you didn’t want to feel deeply ashamed. So the next time you consider screaming, imagine that high status houseguest lying in the guest room, overhearing your every word. It will modify your behavior like nothing else!

This is only the beginning of what you can learn. If you want 3 more priceless insights to save your marriage from divorce, or want to discover the 3 deadly mistakes you must avoid in your marriage, check out this short video:

==>> Create Your Dream Marriage

Even if you’re the only one who wants to fix things.

Watch it now.

Enjoy!

With divorces on the rise in many countries worldwide, there are more and more families consisting of children from previous relationships or marriages. Regular families can be complicated enough; blended and stepfamilies can even be trickier.
As the children involved are going through changes that are different from biological families, they’ll face delicate situations that need to be properly handled. This can be a time of turmoil for them so it’s useful to have these tips in mind:

#1. Learn How To Deal With Resistance

One of the first lessons you’ll learn as a step or blended parent is that it takes time for children to adjust to their new environment. It’s unrealistic to think that the new parents and children will immediately get along.

While this may be the case for some blended or step families, there is a good chance that the children don’t want new parents or siblings. Rather, they want to go back to the way things were or even hope that their biological parents will get back together.

In cases like these, you have to understand that they are not mature enough to immediately understand and accept the things that are happening around them.

More importantly, you have to bear in mind that integration is an on-going, daily process that happens gradually. Thus, you need to take things one step at a time and be on top of new situations as they come up.

#2. Be Mindful Of Their Previous Environments

As said earlier, the children are going through a transition which means that everything familiar to them has now changed. This can be a jarring experience for them, so you have to be familiar with the kind of life they’ve grown accustomed to over the years.

As such, do your best to touch base with your spouse and the children’s other biological parent to gain some insight into their lives before they met you. This includes their daily routines, the rules in the former household and their preferences.

This way, you’ll have a better grasp of the bigger picture and make the transition as smooth as possible for your new children.

Somewhere down the road, you can gradually incorporate new things into your blended or step family’s life. However, it does help to know where the children came from so that they will grow to be more comfortable in their new environment.

#3. Properly Manage Expectations

In any societal unit, misaligned expectations are a major source of conflict. The only way to navigate through these differences is by working together. Granted that you will encounter resistance along the way, you still have to make an effort to make everyone in the family feel that they are part of the same team and need to pitch in to make things work for everyone.

Furthermore, you need to encourage an atmosphere of open communication. All of you are used to a certain way of doing things, so you can’t expect to reach a middle ground without getting your differences out in the open.

More importantly, you can’t be afraid of the inevitable conflict that comes with the process of transition. Growing pains are expected of new families so the only sensible response is to properly manage them.

#4. Show a United Front

The adults need to be a good example to the children since they take cues from the grown-ups. The kind of behavior you show them today will echo in their lives forever.

Thus, all the parents involved must learn how to work together as a team and settle your differences without the children present. This can be a period of chaos, but it doesn’t mean that the children have to witness each and every detail of it.

What they should see is that their biological and step parents are cooperating as best as they can to provide a stable and happy life for everyone.

To make this happen, you and your new spouse need to accept that you’ll have interpersonal conflicts which need to be managed in the same way as say, a bad back or irritable stomach.

You and your partner will have differences when it comes to your principles and values, so you should expect some measure of conflict when it comes to these things.

As long as you have the courage to tackle these things while keeping the children out of it, they will soon adjust to their new lives.

#5. Establish a Sense Of Routine

As mentioned in the previous tip, you have to openly communicate with the other parents from the previous relationships. Once you’ve done this, you can then move on to the next step which is to create a sense of stability for the children.

Communicating with the other parents is not enough. You need to use the information you gained in order to come up with a sensible schedule to help ease what could be a potentially traumatic experience for the children.

Remember that they don’t have the mental and emotional faculties to handle these changes on their own. You can provide a great amount of comfort for them by taking the initiative to create a regular routine that they can stick to.

Many parents in this day and age find themselves juggling responsibilities like their kids, finances, careers and many other things in between.

Given the current state the economy is in, married couples are all the more driven to put their time and energy into providing a better life for their families. It’s an all-too common reality that one income isn’t enough to support the average family.

So the common trade-off is that couples have to sacrifice time for each other in exchange for earning more. With so many things to worry about, it’s hardly surprising that a lot of couples nowadays are at risk of losing sight of what brought them together in the first place.

Like it or not, everyone – including you and your partner – are at risk of getting so caught up in maintaining your relationship that you end up forgetting the most important element: each other.

This is a common challenge for all couples, and keeping your marriage alive and well throughout the years isn’t a tall order as it seems:

Step # 1: Make Time For Each Other In Simple Ways

Being proactive is key. Just like the other aspects of your life, it comes down to a matter of planning ahead when it comes to setting aside couple time.

At the very least, you should think a few weeks ahead so that your responsibilities won’t be an excuse for you not to get together. Remember, your marriage is not all business; you also need to hang out for the sake of having fun.

However, one of the biggest obstacles to getting this done is assuming that spending time together has to be on a grand scale, such as a luxury cruise. This kind of thinking holds people back from making the effort to plan ahead and put their marriage on the back burner.

The truth is that quality time doesn’t have to be measured by the amount of money you need to shell out. Sometimes, being stingy is a good thing because hanging out with your spouse shouldn’t be limited by financial constraints.

Don’t be worried that your options are limited. A little research will tell you that there are plenty of ways to spend time with your spouse on the cheap.

For instance, your local community should have a host of free activities or events you and your spouse might enjoy. If you’re both into arts and culture, attending community theater is a good way to rekindle your interest in the performing arts.

On the other hand, you might have a specific cause or charity that’s close to your hearts. There are hundreds of grassroots volunteer centers that need all the help they can get. Good examples are animal shelters which might be just the thing if you like cats or dogs.

If you’re outdoor buffs, biking along the local park will allow you and your spouse to enjoy the scenery. You could even bring along a picnic basket with goodies like wine, cheese, crackers or whatever other snacks you both like. By the time the sun goes down, you could share a special moment together and indulge in the simple joys of life.

As much as we’d like to give you a detailed step-by-step guide on how to figure out your schedule, all couples are different. You and your partner have a specific daily itinerary so it’s up to you to come up with a timetable that works for your relationship.

At first it might seem weird to be planning your days like this since “fun time” should be spontaneous. However, you can’t get around the fact that your life has changed and you now have other priorities to sort out. But that doesn’t mean you still can’t have fun even if you need to think ahead.

Couples who have just started dating bond much faster through shared activities. Collective experiences naturally create an emotional closeness between people, and this still applies to you even if you’ve been together for years.

Step # 2: Maintaining Your Intimacy

Companionship is a basic foundation for your marriage, but married life is just as dependent on the sexual aspect of your relationship. Keeping the romance alive means having shared experiences both inside and outside the bedroom.

Physical intimacy is just as important in strengthening your marital bonds. This is why you should also make time to get busy under the sheets.

Don’t think that the opportunity to get physical with your spouse will just present itself without any effort on your part. Like we said in the beginning, your schedule could very well overwhelm you if you don’t take a proactive approach.

Again, it feels unromantic to plan something like having sex, but you already know that you have to work around your schedule to make this happen. Besides, you really won’t be complaining about thinking ahead once things heat up.

Step #3: Knowing Each Other Inside Out

Spending time together and making love are not enough. You also have to know what’s going on inside each other’s heads. You and your partner may be together at home all the time, but do you try and ask how he or she is doing?

As the routine of married life settles in, it’s quite easy to tune each other out and forget about how each of you is doing.

With so much on your plate, you might think that you’ll get around to having have those intimate conversations like you did before you got married. But that day will never come unless you really want it to.

When you make time to get together, don’t forget to also ask your spouse how he or she is doing during your conversations. For all you know, there are a lot of things on your partner’s mind that you didn’t even know about.

It’s dangerous to assume that you already know everything about your spouse. Both of you are busy with your individual lives. So it’s normal to slowly become unfamiliar with the other’s emotional well being.

Understandably, talking about these things can be difficult, especially if you haven’t gotten into these topics for a while.

Nevertheless, you can still chip away at this by asking simple questions about the things that matte to your spouse. This can include things like their job, or current hobbies.

As they start to open up again about the things that keep them up at night or inspire them, you’ll be able to peel back one layer at a time. Soon enough you’ll be able to restore the emotional intimacy that you once had.

At Save My Marriage Today, we believe in the power of the “little things” and how they add up over time. Gestures and habits that don’t seem much at first actually matter in the long run; couples who don’t realize this will eventually drift apart.

The fact is that these things create “ripples” in your marriage. What you do might seem small today, but with consistent effort, the effects will radiate and expand in the greater scheme of things.

You were led to believe that once you got the ring on their finger the rest would be happy ever after.

But despite the very obvious fact you are married, what if it still doesn’t feel right?

What if your spouse’s heart just hasn’t made that commitment yet?

There are several reasons your spouse may not be fully committed to your marriage. Some are simply a reflection of where they are at in their life, and others are a result of things you are doing.

Let’s take a look at 5 of the top reasons your spouse isn’t showing the commitment your marriage needs:

1. They’re at a different level.

People fall in love at different speeds and at different times. For some people, it really is love at first sight. For others, love takes a little longer to develop. This isn’t to say they aren’t in love with you or that they will never reach the level you are at, but it’s important to understand that the rate at which we fall in love is unique to each and every person.

He may have been ready to settle down before he met you. She may have had emotional baggage from a previous relationship that made her more cautious. Some people are a little more cautious when it comes to love, where others jump in the deep end, immersing themselves in the turbulent whirlpool of emotions and thrive. No approach is better than the other.

The key here is understanding that each person develops their connection and commitment in a unique way and at their own speed. If your spouse doesn’t have the same level of commitment as you, it may just be that they are at a different stage and working at a different speed. Diversity is part of what makes your marriage unique!

2. You don’t support your spouse’s ambitions and/or don’t make them feel appreciated enough

Everyone need their egos stroked, and for your spouse to feel like you are ‘the one’ it will help a lot if you can notice all the good things they do (like the effort they make with the chores, and the effort they make with what they are wearing.) It’s easy to focus on the negatives, but it’s even more important to notice and mention the good things!

It is also incredibly important that you don’t try to change them too much, or let your own dreams in the marriage overshadow theirs. A great marriage is about supporting yours and their dreams. It is possible to achieve it all if it’s important enough.

It sounds obvious, but there are a lot of women and men out there who try to mould their spouse into the person they wished they
were, rather than supporting them in being the best version of themselves that they can be. Loving someone is about loving them for who they are, faults and all. Remember, they love you for the same reason!

3. The sex isn’t great

If your spouse has had a partner before with whom with the sex was better, or more frequent, this can make them nervous about being completely honest. They might be embarrassed about the subject and be hoping things will improve, which is why it’s really important to talk about it and see if you can both find ways to get what you want in the bedroom

If you feel that sex isn’t important, then that attitude could well be a reason for their coyness when it comes to full commitment. Sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage, especially because it strengthens and renews the intimate and emotional bonds the two of you need to sustain your marriage.

4. They have other priorities

Work, children, family, and friends. All of these things demand time and attention. Your spouse’s lack of commitment to you may be a sign that they don’t know how to balance these things in your marriage

If your spouse feels they’ve got other areas in life that require more attention, then that will come first and they will think of you later. If that’s not something you’re comfortable with, it might be time to discuss your priorities and balance as a couple.

5. Loss of free time and identity.

Let’s face it, we all like time to ourselves where we can do our own thing. Marriages take up an enormous amount of time and
energy and that kind of pressure can take a lot of time to adjust to. Your spouse may miss the hobbies they used to do that they no longer have time for. They may have had dreams that have had to take a back seat in the interest of the marriage. They may feel marriage has changed the both of you.

What things did you enjoy doing before you were married? Is there time to revisit some of these things and make time to pick up these interests again? A healthy marriage is about a balance of “me” time versus “we” time. Individual hobbies or interests are great things to have, and give you both something passionate to talk about when you are back together.

Marriage doesn’t stop you from doing the things you love. The only limit is your imagination. Allowing your spouse the time to do something they love may free up time for you to follow your passions.

Commitment is something that takes time to achieve. In a healthy, supportive marriage, that commitment you have to each other is made easier when you understand why you love each other and always look for ways to feed and nurture that connection.

Here’s to your renewed, committed marriage.