M. Scott Peck, the author of “The Road Less Traveled”, says that the tendency to avoid problems and emotional suffering is the primary basis of human mental illness. According to him, “some of us will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid our problems and the suffering they cause.”
I have to agree – the Save My Marriage team handles a lot of couples who experience some form of sickness in their marriages because they have trouble facing the reality of their problems.
Denial is a defensive mechanism that serves to protect us from external circumstances. All people experience this at one point or another, but the problem is when couples are so stuck in denial that they can’t muster the strength to find a solution.
Resisting Change
In marriage, this denial often occurs when serious problems begin to creep into the relationship. A lot of couples go into a state of shock because they’re unaware that relationships naturally go through different phases.
In our “Save My Marriage Today” book, we call this as the Life Cycle of a marriage.
The first stage of marriage is characterized by romance and infatuation. During this time, couples are extremely passionate about each other and get caught up in a tide of intense emotions.
However, Peck states that this is not true love and even believes romance to be a harmful myth. He probably saw it as such because people often assume in the beginning that their feelings of infatuation will last forever and that their partner will always remain perfect.
During the next stage, known as “reality check”, they’ll begin to see each other’s flaws and realize that their marriage is not the ideal relationship that they assumed it was.
This is why a lot of couples go into denial. When the illusion is shattered, they fall into an intense period of disbelief.
Swallowing The Bitter Pill
As you your personalities and values begin to clash, will you accept this reality and discuss it with your spouse? Or are you going to sweep it under the rug and keep it out of sight?
Denying the existence of your marital issues is only going to make them worse. Your differences will resurface at some point in time, and you can only run from your problems for so long.
Maybe it’s hard to acknowledge the imperfection of your marriage because you think that it’s the same as admitting you’ve failed as a spouse.
Perhaps you believe that your friends have perfect marriages and you feel ashamed for having to deal with marital issues.
If you feel this way, you should stop comparing your situation to others because I can tell you right now that NO couple is perfect. To some extent, everyone has trouble in their own marriages – even if you don’t see it.
Those Things That Hurt, Instruct
Remember that it’s human nature to make mistakes, especially when it comes to marriage. More importantly, don’t be afraid to admit that your marriage wasn't the perfect relationship that you once thought it was.
Try to see it this way: challenges can be your greatest teacher. Though you don’t have total control over what happens to you, you have the absolute power to decide how to make the most of your circumstances and learn from them.
Every marriage goes through change. However, the difference between a happy couple and a miserable one is that only the former chooses to embrace the imperfection of their relationship.
Remember: marriages stuck in denial can’t move on to the other stages of its life cycle.
As soon as you stop resisting the reality of imperfection, you can start taking the necessary steps to save your marriage. For instance, you can see a counselor, learn how to strengthen your relationship, or sign up for a marriage-saving course such as ours.
Taking these measures will help you accept one another for the people you’ve become. In time, you’ll learn how to work around your differences, and even agree to disagree.
Ultimately, imperfection in a marriage is inevitable, just like everything else in life. What matters is how you choose to deal with it.
By making the right choice, you’ll reach a higher level of emotional and spiritual development – even if you get hurt along the way.
Hi Beth, Thanks for your message.
It's quite normal for a man to shut down and not want to talk about his feelings, especially when he is most likely struggling to make sense of what he is feeling himself! Some people call this a mid-life crisis, but I see it as something different. He's looking on the last 13 years and seeing that the life he now lives is quite different to the one he dreamed about. He chooses to see the marriage as the thing that prevented him from his dream life, hence it making perfect sense to him that ending the marriage will enable him to do what he wants.
The challenge for you is to find ways to support him as a friend, enabling him to see that he can live his dream and achieve that all-elusive happiness alongside you rather than having to choose. Learn how to be his friend rather than his wife. You have 13 years of friendship to draw upon to enable you to find ways to be his friend.
He needs you more than ever right now, so it's vital you maintain regular contact via text, phonecalls, and dropping by to visit.
My husband has been having an affair. For how long, I don't know. But I do know he's having one. When I found out, I was 6 months pregnant. I confronted him. He told me that I no longer make him happy. He says we argue too much. The other woman "is cool, doesn't get on his nerves" like I do. She's younger. She's pretty. And here I am 9 months pregnant now walking on egg shells so he won't leave me, our daughter, and unborn child. He asked for a divorce. I told him no. That if he wanted it he would have to file but I was in this until death do us part. It hurts like hell. Especially when he said he's not attracted to me & his attraction to me is forced, not natural, like it is with her. To avoid arguments, I keep quiet. I still function as his wife, or better yet maid, cooking & cleaning but the second I say something that disagrees with him an argument ensues and he leaves. All I have at this point is prayer because I feel like I've lost my mind a long time ago. After nearly 9 years of marriage, this is not how I'd imagined my life would be.
Beth, I've recently been told basically the same things you were by my husband of 15 years (also this past Christmas), he's not happy hasn't been for some time, he doesnt love me anymore & wants a divorce. But, unfortunately neither of us can leave the home we're forced to live in, which is HIS mother's home. He isn't interestef in counseling either.
One more thing, he's continues trying to be intimate with me. And I'm feeling guilty for not being willing to. And I've given in. In hopes of him wanting me as his wife again & maybe he'll love me again.
I am frustrated that you again mention that we must be his friend, and mine (after 10 years of marriage) assume his long distance ex will straighten his life out for him, as we go into "shock"......separate, inflict giant wounds on one another, by his emotional distance.
HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE MY FRIEND. hear that?
Nothing you can do about that, except for prayers, right?
Its much more serious than that as well, but suffice it to say he has wanted another person (long distance) for 8 months now. Seen her as well. Its all very sneaky, and very sick. I am agreeing to a divorce because that is the case he made; hoping to be with her in the future i guess, after her husband "dies of cancer".......anyone ever heard this story? I may add, he is an alcoholic, and is in complete denial of his feelings, which is why he moves out of the marriage, as he did his other marriage. Does this sound familiar? Divorce is something he has already filed. I just have to proceed to move out of HIS house. Emotional abuse does not come up against 'trying to be nice to him in his crisis to act like a friend'.......sorry, its just wrong advice. Prove me different.
Your write up is ok. Many marriages pass through without even knowing whats wrong with relationship but you defined it. The best approach is to own up to the problem and have a sincere discussion as a way of escape.
I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM AS MY WIFE OF SIX YEARS TOLD ME IN MAY THAT WHEN OUR NEXT TO THE YOUNGEST SON ( MY YOUNGEST STEPSON EVEN THOUGH EVEN THOUGH I CONSIDER HIM MY SON GRADUATES HIGH SCHOOL THAT SHE WOULD LEAVE ME AND THAT SHE DIDN'T LOVE ME LIKE A HUSBAND ANYMORE AND THAT SHE DIDN'T THINK SHE COULD LOVE ME THE REST OF HER LIFE. A FEW DAYS AFTER THAT SHE CHANGED HER MIND AND THAT SHE WOULD STAY AND WORK IT OUT AND THINGS SEEM TO GET BETTER AND SHE WAS VERY ACCOMMODATING AND LOVING. TWO DAYS AFTER HE GRADUATED I TALKED TO HER ON THE PHONE AND SHE SAID SHE LOVED ME VERY MUCH WOULD SEE ME WHEN I GOT HOME AND LOOKING FORWARD TO A TRIP WE WERE TO TAKE. NEEDLESS TO SAY WHEN I GOT HOME SHE AND MY STEPDAUGHTER WERE GONE WITH THE HELP OF HER PARENTS. MY BIOLOGICAL SON THE YOUNGEST AND MYSELF WERE THE ONLY TWO WHO DID NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT. MY STEPSON WATCHED HER LOAD UP AND GO. HE TOLD HER WHAT SHE WAS DOING WAS SORRY AND WRONG AND HE WOULD NOT HELP HER PACK. MY SONS MOTHER CALLED HER AND LEFT A MESSAGE AND TOLD HER THAT WHAT SHE DID TO MY SON WAS WRONG AND SORRY AND THAT MY WIFE HAD TOLD HIM SHE LOVED HIM LIKE A SON AND HE TRULY LOVED HER AS A MOM. THE ONLY WAY SHE REACHED OUT TO HIM WAS A TEXT AND SAID SHE WOULD EXPLAIN IF HE WOULD CALL HER SHE WOULD EXPLAIN THAT WAS TWO DAYS AFTER SHE LEFT SHE STILE HAS NOT CONTACTED HIM AT ALL. HE IS BEWILDERED, IT HAS BEEN 4 MONTHS AND WE HAVE NOT HEARD FROM HER AT ALL. I FORGOT TO MENTION SHE HAD LOST HER JOB AND A YEAR BEFORE STOLE MY CREDIT CARD AND ACCUMULATED 11,300.00 DOLLARS IN DEBT . PAID SOME BACK BUT LEFT W/O PAYING ALL AND ALSO FORGED MY NAME ON A BANK LOAN WHICH HAD A BALANCE OF 4,000.00 DOLLARS . WE ARE CONFUSED HERE ANY SUGGESTIONS. I DO PRAY FOR HER WELL BEING EVERY NIGHT.