Anyone who’s been married for a while knows how the passion dies down in a relationship as the years go by. Yet, a lot of couples seem to be at a loss with how to actually deal with this common problem even though they’re well aware of it.
Sam, one of our readers from Irvine, recently wrote to us about his own problems in the bedroom:
“My wife and I have been married for almost fifteen years now, and things have been great until about three years ago. Shortly after we got married, I quit my day job to put up my own construction contracting business which meant that my wife had to work longer hours at her own job while I was struggling to get things off the ground.
Sex wasn’t really a problem before even though we were under a lot of financial stress… probably because we still had that fiery newlywed passion at the beginning. But now that I’ve finally gotten my business going, running it alongside my wife has become extremely demanding for us, especially with our two children in the picture.
So that means we’re often too run down at the end of the day to even think about fooling around in bed. But what really bothers is me is that my wife seems to have no desire whatsoever to make the first move, let alone talk about sex.
She’s become sort of like the Sphinx; it’s become harder and harder to read her. Do I not turn her on anymore? Is she fantasizing about someone else? Does having sex with me feel like a chore to her? I feel like an unattractive loser every time she turns me down!”
This is something that many marriages go through - while it’s common, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do anything about it. There are a number of measures you can try to put the fire back into your marriage:
#1: Initiate
This means a lot of things, and not just making the first move in bed. Nevertheless, the first step is to take the initiative, even if you’re not feeling it.
Try giving your spouse a foot and back massage, or simply cuddle with them at the end of the day. Find ways you can touch your partner in little ways throughout the day. You may not be in the mood just yet, but initiating physical contact in a subtle way can lead from one thing to another before you know it.
Sometimes, you just need to keep the physical detachment from building up, and maintaining a tangible connection (whether or not it leads to intercourse every time) can be a good foundation for a healthier sex life. After all, you can’t just expect your partner to suddenly jump your bones after several weeks of little or no contact in general!
Speaking of being romantic outside the bedroom, it certainly doesn’t hurt to send your spouse sweet (or naughty) messages from time to time. Spicy notes, emails and text messages can go a long way to whet their appetite later on!
This might sound unusual, but another way you can take the initiative to boost your sex life is by de-cluttering your house. If you've ever watched those house makeover shows where there are foot-high piles of stuff clogging up couples' homes, you've probably seen how unhappy they've become as a result of all their mess. This impacts their relationships, and as you might guess, their sex lives as well.
#2: Figure Out Your Rhythms
If there’s tension in the bedroom, chances are you’re on different wavelengths. The best way to address this is by figuring out some key details:
- How much sex do you and your partner want respectively?
- Who tends to the aggressor and who’s more timid in bed?
- What would the ideal frequency for each of you?
By looking at these aspects of your sex life, it’s easier to pinpoint how wide or close the gap is. This will then help you come to a mutually satisfying agreement.
After you get this out of the way, you’ll end up with a plan to make things in the bedroom more interesting. This way, neither of you will have unrealistic expectations, or get into a guessing game about who’s going to initiate.
#3: Look At Your Past
In many ways, your previous relationships and experiences growing up affect your sex drive. You don't have to play psychologist here, but it would be practical to consider how these factors come into play with bedroom matters.
For instance, one of the people in a relationship may find that they tend to put their feelings ahead of their own. Perhaps he or she developed these issues growing up and it’s stifled their desire to initiate sex for fear that their partner isn’t in the mood.
Previous relationships can affect the sexual dynamics in your relationship as well. If a past partner used sex as a passive-aggressive tool to get their way in the relationship, then this can play a big role in your current one.
If it comes to a point where you find that some deep-seated emotional issues (i.e. an abusive past, childhood traumas) are interfering with your sex life, then it's time to get a counselor or therapist involved. The better educated you are about these hurdles, the better you can get over them.
#4: Probe Deeper
Aside from looking at the surrounding factors affecting your sex life, it also helps to ask your partner up front what turns them on. If it doesn't necessarily do anything for you but doesn't offend you, then you can go past your comfort zone.
However, communication is a two-way street so make sure your partner also knows which fantasies and techniques turn you on. Though you may not agree on absolutely everything, it's ok because that's not really the point.
What matters is that both of you are throwing it out there, which is a lot better than keeping shut and second guessing each others' desires. From here you can compromise on how far each of you can go in terms of meeting your respective sexual needs.
#5: Rule Out Any Medical Conditions
If you feel there's a drastic lack of sex in the relationship and your partner is stonewalling about it, then perhaps there are medical factors that you haven't considered yet.
There are very real conditions such as hormonal imbalance, depression or just being generally stressed out. Any of these could be distracting your partner from being in the proper frame of mind for having sex.
Be supportive. If you suspect that your spouse is going through any of these, find a way to see them through it. That could mean just being there for them when they need you, or doing research in order to better handle their condition. You may even want to consult with a doctor if the situation calls for it – there’s no sense in NOT getting as much as help as possible.
In the end, having an amazing sex life is about figuring out the related factors influencing your relationship, as well finding the areas of improvement. All of this adds up to being emotionally closer to your partner and increasing the intimacy in the process.
