If there's one mistake you can’t afford to make in your marriage, it would be complacency. Nothing could be more damaging than turning a blind eye to the danger signs in relationships.
Some couples know that they’re engaging in destructive behavior, but feel powerless to put a stop to the vicious cycle. On the other hand, there are also couples who are blissfully unaware of the damage they’re doing until their bad relationship habits finally catch up to them.
Whatever the case may be, you owe it to yourself – and your marriage – to know about the danger signs in relationships before you end up getting divorced:
#1: Fighting To Hurt
You might see this all the time in other couples, but don’t realize this is also happening in your own marriage. A sure-fire sign that your relationship is in trouble is when you actively participate in a no holds barred, back-and-forth exchange of hurtful words during an argument.
You’ll know this is happening when you’re no longer quarreling over your differences and have stooped down instead to trading insults simply to bring each other down.
The problem with keeping up this habit is that it fuels mutual disrespect that grows with each passing day. The only way to break this pattern is by making the first move to fight fair to show your spouse a different way of doing things.
You might think this is unfair, especially if you feel that you’ve been wronged by your spouse. Regardless of what’s happening, this isn’t the time to point fingers. The priority is to reverse this harmful trend and re-instill the sense of respect you had at the start of your relationship.
Being angry in the heat of the moment is perfectly fine, but don’t cross the line by lashing out at your spouse. Use statements that focus on your feelings rather than assigning blame, labeling your partner or insulting their pride.
Remember, making a general observation about the situation that doesn’t aim to hurt your spouse will get far better results.
Let’s say that you were offended when your spouse left the room and slammed the door on you during an argument. Instead of accusing him of being “insensitive” or “immature”, focus on the behavior that triggered your anger and let him know how his actions made you feel.
Next, ask him how you want to be treated so that he knows exactly what you want without attacking his dignity.
In this case, you could say something like, “I feel like less than a person and disrespected when you walk out on me in the middle of a fight. If gets too much for you, you could at least tell me you need a breather instead of cutting me off all of a sudden.”
#2: No Middle Ground
The reality of any marriage is that the partners will have a set of issues they won’t fully agree on. Whether it’s about the in-laws, financial matters or raising the kids, all couples will always butt heads over certain topics.
It can’t be helped – we’re all shaped by our previous experiences, a lot of which go back to childhood. At some level, you’ll always be different from your spouse.
The problem is when you can’t get past these differences that surface when you start arguing about certain issues. This is another of the danger signs in relationships – when
Over the months and years, these become sore spots in the marriage which could lead to divorce if you can’t compromise with your partner.
Instead of resisting the reality of your differences, you have to dig to the root of your issues to understand why both of you are so passionate about defending your respective opinions.
It always boils down to your principles and values; these are the core aspects of any disagreement that causes anger you when you feel that your moral code is being violated in some way.
Let’s look at a sample scenario: let’s say the wife insists on seeing her family every weekend while her husband would rather see his in-laws only on occasions such as birthday parties and holidays. They constantly argue about their opposing views on family life, so the key is to find the hidden story behind the conflict.
It may turn out that the husband in the scenario had a rough time growing up because of a turbulent family life at home. His parents might have fought a lot while his siblings got involved in criminal activity. The wife on the other hand could have grown up in a much more harmonious where it was important to get together with her relatives quite often.
This explains why this couple has vastly different opinions about what being a family means. They can’t change their pasts, but being aware of it is the breakthrough they need to find some badly-needed middle ground.
#3: Having “Hopeless Case Vision”:
Hope is what keeps someone going in spite of the difficulties ahead. Without it, a person is guaranteed to call it quits. Some even say that the absence of hope can be the death of you.
In the same way, perceiving your marriage as a hopeless case can lead to divorce if you nurture the feeling long enough. This is something that needs to be managed in all marriages, whether you’ve been together for five months or five years.
Otherwise, you’ll feel like all hope is gone. You’ll eventually grow apart and become strangers to each other. In the end, the only recourse is to go separate ways.
To restore the balance of positive emotions in your relationship, you have to take the initiative to create a foundation of goodwill that can help you get through the tough times.
In a marriage weathered by multiple problems, this may seem hard to do when too much has happened. You might ask yourself, “Where do I begin?”
There’s a two-part solution to combat negativity. The first step is to reacquaint yourself with your spouse’s world. This means having a good knowledge of what’s going on in your partner’s life – and in their head.
You can start by simply making the effort to know what’s going in your partner’s daily life, whether it’s their pet peeves at work, what they’re currently worried about (e.g. finances, career, health, the future) or the things they like.
Studies have shown that the better connected couples are in this intimate sense, the less likely they’ll come apart when they go through challenging phases in their marriage, such as unemployment, sickness, a death in the family and so on.
You can do this by simply asking your spouse when the opportunity presents itself. This way, you can get to know what’s the latest with him or her and give them the support they need. Plus, knowing that your spouse cares about you in this way is a great morale booster.
The other half of your marriage-saving solution is dead simple as well: using kind words of encouragement and affection. You can start with the daily habit of telling your spouse “I love you.” There are plenty of chances to slip this in, like before going off to work, turning in for the night, or even a short and sweet SMS or email.
After a week or so of doing this, you can build on it by complimenting your partner, even with the little things. For instance, telling your spouse how great they are at making dinner or how nice they look in their work outfit are powerful ways to remind them of the love you share.
Gradually, you’ll be able to recover from the slump your marriage has been going through.
Remember that while danger signs in relationships shouldn’t be ignored, they don’t necessarily spell the end of a marriage. Rather, they’re just a wake-up call to spur you into action and turn things around.
Though you might not have complete control over your circumstances, you very well have the power to decide how to react to adversity and safeguard yourselves against the threat of divorce.
That's all for now. I look forward to your thoughts and opinions on this.
