Category: Making Marriage Last

Every morning you are waking up to the same dull feeling.

You and your spouse move like robots through the same old morning routine: shower, get dressed, breakfast, goodbye, out the door. You barely even register their lips on yours as you are already thinking about everything you need to get done that day.

Later, you will both come home exhausted, reheat last nights dinner, argue about the housework and may even have some mechanical sex before you both roll over and pass out.

Is this how your marriage has started to feel?

Unfortunately, all marriages go through patches where the heat has run dry and you’ve become stuck in this void of empty routine. Although these patches are usually a result of the natural change and growth of love over time, they can be very unsettling times which may make you doubt your relationship.

Your partner may feel more like a friend, or even a stranger. A million miles away from the person who used to take your breath away, by the pure amount of desire you saw in their eyes when they looked at you.

The good news is, that as long as you are both committed to your marriage and can work through these hard times, your passion WILL naturally reignite. You will be able to enjoy an even deeper, more soulful bond of love.

However, if you would like to relight the flame and speed up this process, here are three secret ways you can use to get the passion and excitement back in your marriage.

1. Touch

Close your eyes. Lay down on your back.

Imagine being touched by your spouse. Picture their hands roaming over your body, intertwining your fingers, caressing your face, your neck, your lips. Picture their eyes looking at you like they did when you first met. Feel them holding you close, wrapping their arms tightly around you.

Now revel in the fact that they are the ONE PERSON you have chosen to be able to touch and caress you like this.

Are you giving your partner the opportunity to worship and enjoy the mind, soul and body you have chosen to share with them? Are you allowing yourself to fully appreciate their touch?

Although your relationship may not be as steamy as it was when you first started dating, we never lose the need for touch from our spouses. Regular physical contact satisfies our need for belonging and connection, and has really powerful positive effects on our wellbeing. Did you know that hugs from your loved one alone can lower your blood pressure?

If thinking about your partner’s touch left you filled with warmth and desire, think about how you have the power to make them feel exactly this same way. YOU are the one they have chosen to be able to love and touch them intimately. Even in the hardest of times, they WANT your touch. They NEED your touch.

Relight their passion with your touch of love.

If you kiss them goodbye in the morning, be in the kiss. Focus on the feel of their mouth against your own and let it communicate your love. Try surprising them by holding their hand, wrapping your arms around their waist, cuddling them on the couch, offering a massage.

You’ll be amazed by how quickly increasing your day-to-day touching will relight that fire between you, strengthen those bonds of love and connection, and have you rediscovering each other in the bedroom.

2. Try out something new together

When was the last time you tried out something new? Something which challenged you, got your heart racing, made you feel 10 years younger?

A great way to break up routine and spark excitement in your marriage is to try out a new activity with your spouse.

Can you remember the first time you went to a theme park with your spouse? Played a sport together? Tried a new food? Remember those tingles of nervousness and excitement, and how special it felt to be sharing this new experience with someone?

Trying a new activity with your spouse will help you to recreate some of these feelings and see each other in a new light.

This could be joining a sports team together, taking a cooking or massage class, or if you’re feeling more adventurous, why not book in a bungee or skydive! The more adrenaline-provoking the activity is, the more likely it is to spark sexual chemistry between the two of you.

Go on – have a little fun. If it doesn’t turn out to be your thing, at least you will be able to laugh about it together afterwards.

3. Surprise your spouse

When we are going through stale patches in our marriages, we are tired, worn down, frustrated and stuck in a rut of endless routine. Nothing out of the ordinary happens to spark our interest or excitement, and we often end up wondering where the ‘fun’ version of ourselves has gone.

The best way to change this? Spontaneity and surprise.

Imagine if you got home from work one day and your partner was waiting there to open the door for you. You walk in to see a spotless house, and your partner looking the most amazing and dressed up you have seen them in months. They take the work gear out of your hands, look into your eyes and tell you that they are taking you out for a special dinner.

Wow!

Imagine the surprise, the anticipation, all the stress from the day sliding away. How valued and appreciated you would feel.
YOU have the power to make your partner feel like this. YOU are the ONLY ONE who can truly sweep them off their feet and take their breath away.

Even if it is just something small like making your spouse their toast and coffee in the morning, or something more extravagant like the scenario above, surprising your loved one will make them feel incredibly loved and cherished. It can be guaranteed that they will want to make you feel the exact same way.

*** Remember, you can save your marriage, even if it feels like you’re the only one trying. And if you want more tips on how to reignite the passion in your marriage, check out the expert advice at Save My Marriage Today

I really hope you can use these tips to reignite some of the sparks in your marriage. Please feel free to comment and share your own experiences below. I would love to hear your feedback!

Does it feel like all your interactions with your spouse have involved blame and criticism? This is a pattern that many couples can fall in to during their marriage.

At these times it can be easy to start doubting your spouse and feel like you are drifting apart. Emotions of anger, frustration and guilt overshadow those feelings of love and happiness that came so easy at the start.

Unfortunately, what you are in is a negativity trap.

But don’t worry – there ARE ways to break this vicious cycle and rekindle those feelings of closeness and connection in your marriage.

1. Focus on the positive

Sometimes it can be easy to get so stuck thinking about the negative that the positive aspects of our relationships get ignored.

It may seem simple, but behavior therapists have consistently found that positive reinforcement is the most effective way of reducing negative behaviour and increasing the positive. And this is something you can do! Not only with your husband or wife, but also your children.

So how do we do this? It’s simple:

IGNORE any NEGATIVE behavior (unless it is extreme and needs to be addressed).

ACKNOWLEDGE and PRAISE POSITIVE behavior, using rewards such as comments, smiles, praises and compliments.

For example, maybe you and your spouse have been fighting a lot over jobs not being done around the house and blaming each other for not doing these.

This is likely to make each of you feel angry and resent doing the jobs, therefore making the jobs even less likely to get done.

This cycle could be broken by following these steps:

First taking a deep breath and taking a step back from the situation. Think about what you are wanting to achieve:

1. The jobs being completed
2. To have a positive relationship with your spouse

Now the hard part: to try and IGNORE any jobs you feel your partner hasn’t done. If possible, put them at the back of your mind if it’s possible to get by without these things being completed. It may take longer, but allowing a longer timeframe to allow your spouse to get the task completed may replace any need for you to remind them or get angry about it.

If it’s a crucial task that needs to be done urgently, consider how quickly you might do these jobs yourself, versus the time taken to argue and fight about it. Is it a battle worth fighting, or is the discussion better left to another day when feelings are calmer?

Now for the praise. Next time you notice that your spouse has done a job, give them PRAISE and thank them. This will make your spouse feel appreciated and increase the likelihood of them doing this job again in future.

Continue to repeat this process until praise and cooperation become an entrenched behavior.

Although it may feel frustrating to start off with, you will be amazing to see how quickly the negativity in your relationship fades away and you start to reconnect again. The jobs will be done and both of you will start feeling good about yourselves for what you have achieved, rather than feeling guilty about what you haven’t. Not to mention a major sense of relief!

This same process can be used for any type of negative behaviour patterns that are occurring in your relationship.

If the negativity continues, however, this may be a sign that your partner is unwilling to try to improve things in your relationship. If this is the case, it may be time to try a different tactic, or have a serious talk about whether they are committed to your marriage and making a change for the better.

2. Make yourself vulnerable

One way that works really well to break a cycle of negativity is to put yourself out there, show vulnerability and accept some responsibility.

For example, ask your spouse to have time to talk, then start the conversation like this:

“I feel terrible that everything has been so negative between us lately. I know that it takes two to argue and there have been things I’ve been saying and doing that are hurtful and I really want this to stop.

I’m sorry. I love you and this is not how you or I deserve to be treated. I would really like us to move forward from this and start treating each other better again. How do you feel about this?”

Although it is hard to do, by putting yourself out there and admitting that you have played a part in contributing to the negative atmosphere, your spouse should also feel open to admitting their own part in this. It will be a relief for both of you to have talked and got it out in the open.

It will also be reaffirming to know that you still care about each other and want to change things to make the marriage work. However, make sure that your spouse does also acknowledge their part in creating the negative atmosphere as it is essential that you both accept responsibility in order to be able to move on.

3. Get down to the core

Sometimes when we have a large issue in our relationship that is difficult to discuss, we can start taking it out on our spouse in other ways and avoid the big issue. For example, through getting overly irritated at little things they do which usually wouldn’t bother us, like leaving their plate in the sink.

Sound familiar?

This can lead to a lot of negativity, as your spouse feels that they are being unfairly treated and may have no idea of what is really bothering you. Sometimes you may not even really be aware of what the underlying issue is.

So when you are finding yourself getting frustrated with your spouse easily, take some time out to think about what the root of the problem is. What is the underlying theme? Usually once you give yourself some space to think it will become clear.

For example, maybe the real problem is you’ve been feeling like your spouse hasn’t been spending any time with you lately, but you’ve been taking it on them through nagging about their lack of housework rather than talking to them about it.

But once you have identified what the true problem is, the best way to break the negative cycle is to come out and talk about it. You will probably find that your spouse is very open to discussing the problem and is relieved to finally know what is going on.

The key here is to increase your awareness of the negativity in your marriage and to challenge it. The sooner you (and your spouse) are looking for ways to defeat negativity, the greater your chances of enabling love and respect to flourish once again.

Denial can be dangerous in your relationship. If some part of you knows that you need to address certain issues in your marriage, don’t convince yourself that things will get better on their own without having to do anything.

You aren’t doing any favors for yourself or your spouse by taking an “out of sight, out of mind” approach to your marital problems. If you want a harmonious marriage, there is no getting around the need to take an active role in making things better.

One of the greatest stumbling blocks to a better relationship is being afraid of what might happen when you rattle those skeletons in your closet. However, you have to accept the reality that you will have to bite the bullet, take the plunge and embrace the chaos that comes with fighting for your marriage.

Will you and your spouse get hurt along the way? Most probably, but no relationship evolves without experiencing some growing pains in the process. Sooner or later, you will have to touch on the sore spots in the relationship so that you’ll learn how to stop arguing about the fundamental differences between you and your spouse.

You also have to bear in mind that you still have to take action whether or not your spouse also acknowledges the issues in your marriage. There are always two sides to your relationship, and there’s no excuse for sitting back and doing nothing if you know something’s up.

One of the other concerns you might have is that you’ll be unsuccessful in your attempts to fix things. If you feel this way, don’t hold yourself back with the expectation to get it right on the first try. Problem-solving is a trial and error process – you’ll have your share of hits and misses along the way.

What you should be worried about is what will happen if you choose not to do anything at all. Consider the following:

#1: Inner Turmoil

When you know that there’s something not quite right in your marriage, it plants a seed in your mind that will continue to grow with each passing day. Try as you might to block out the truth in your mind, the reality of your rocky marriage will catch up to you.

The inevitability of it all will put you in a state of unease that gets worse over time. Eventually, your partner will be shocked to suddenly see the stress take its toll on you when they didn’t even know it was building up inside you in the first place.

Do you really want to keep living in denial only to have a meltdown that no one saw coming – including yourself?

#2: Emotional Leakage

Let’s not forget that the misery you’re suppressing in your marriage will spill over into the other areas of your life.

If you choose not to take an active role in improving your marriage, you’ll cultivate a negative outlook on life in general and cause the other areas to suffer, such as the relationships with your family and colleagues.

#3: Escalation

Don’t forget how quickly even the smallest of issues can snowball when you leave them unchecked. If you spot any red flags, acknowledge this and be proactive in addressing them so you don’t have to reverse the damage caused by being complacent about it.

#4: Estrangement

Negative behavioral patterns can develop in any relationship, especially when it involves two people who have made vows to stay together ‘til death do them part. Will you allow your marriage to be dominated by an atmosphere of passive-aggressiveness, or by a mutual attitude of reciprocation?

What you choose to do – or not to do – will determine whether you’ll stick it out in the long run or not. The stress of getting your issues out in the open is far less than keeping quiet and sweeping them under the rug.

Like it or not, those skeletons will come back to haunt you.

Relationships, like people, are always in a state of motion. Either you’re moving forward or backward – what you choose to do every day will determine that direction.

It’s definitely uncomfortable to face these truths, but life is about leaving your comfort zone for the sake of progress. After you’ve taken that first step and begin to move forward, you’ll find that it wasn’t really a comfort zone as much it was as a place of denial, apathy and decay.

As a child or teenager, did you ever picture what your marriage would be like? Did you envision running into your ideal mate at a party, then falling madly in love, like they do in the movies?

Did you imagine you and your partner wallowing in a blissful dream? Did you have visions of walking down the street, hand in hand with your loved one, or perhaps sharing a beautiful sunset by the beach?

Most of us had a naïve, whimsical expectation of what a married relationship should be like. However, when the “magic” of wedded bliss slowly fades away, we’re faced with the reality that marriage isn’t the perfect deal that we once assumed it was.

When we run into conflicts and issues, we’re slowly opened to the fact that a relationship is not always fun and games. For some of us, the frequency good moments in the relationship are overshadowed by bitter disappointment.

Yet, every couple goes through this natural stage of disillusionment. What really matters is how we cope with the tides of change in our marriage. The problem with many couples is that they are unwilling to let go of their unrealistic expectations. When the relationship doesn’t live up to their concept of an ideal marriage, that puts some spouses into a state of denial. The main issue for these couples is that they are trying to force their one-dimensional ideas on a complex matter such as marriage.

When the sour taste of reality becomes unbearable, some resort to comparing their ailing relationships to that of their friends or neighbors. What they don’t realize is that doing so will only create bigger problems for them in the long run. It keeps them occupied with a false idea of perfection, something that no one can ever have.

In spite of the trials and tribulations that your relationship naturally brings, being married is still a special experience that allows you discover the different sides of beauty that your spouse will reveal over the years. You musn’t forget that your marriage is a wonderfully intimate affair that can add so much color and meaning to your life.

Yet, no marriage is ever perfect, so that means that you shouldn’t start comparing your own to someone else’s.

Nothing good will come from holding your unique circumstances to a standard based on the situation of other couples. “Keeping up with the Joneses” is an unhealthy way of judging your relationship. Who says you have to be as “perfect” as others just to feel good about yourself? Any couple has their own issues to struggle with, so it’s better to FOCUS on your own problems rather than obsess about how good other people have it.

The only way to stop comparing what you have with others is to CLARIFY and GROUND your marital expectations in reality. Only then will you be able to stop assuming that everyone else’s marriages are better than yours.

Understand that looking at other people’s relationships with envy is caused by skewed expectation of your own marriage.

Ask yourself: do the things I expect from my marriage (and spouse) seem do-able or impossible? Based on that single question, do an honest evaluation of the standards you hold your relationship to. A sample list of expectations might look something like this:

1. My marriage should be the envy of our friends and family.
2. My spouse should be willing to change who he/she is for my sake.
3. We should never fight about anything; disagreements have no place in our relationship
4. My marriage should be at least as good as ___________.

In writing, this list seems highly impractical or downright unrealistic. Yet, ask yourself if you’re yearning for the impossible in the back of your own mind. Do you unconsciously expect implausible scenarios in your marriage? Are your expectations driving your relationship to the ground?

The best way to discover that is to dig deep down and make a list of your own. Take some time to drag out all those unspoken thoughts in your mind and write them down. Only then can you come face to face with any unrealistic standards.

Better yet, get your spouse involved as well. It wouldn’t be surprising to find out how different your expectations are from his/hers! Getting them out in the open and discussing them NOW does a lot towards realigning your marital goals and clearing up misunderstandings.

Once you’ve made your list, see if you can revise them in a way that is clear, realistic, and feasible. We suggest for you to filter your original expectations through some general guidelines.

First, whatever expectations any of you have should never, in any way, compromise the key elements that support the framework of your marriage. These include trusting each other, respecting one another, making the other’s happiness a must, and so on.

Through this soul-searching activity, you can better tailor your marriage to fit into a realistic context, instead of expecting it to be a flawless relationship devoid of any conflict. There’s nothing wrong with having lofty visions of a wonderful marriage when you were younger.

Those dreams inspired you to be the best person and spouse possible. Now that you’ve had a taste of the challenges of married life, it’s time to make those desires cross over into a more realistic light – and this exercise can help you do that.

But it doesn’t stop there – this is not a one-shot deal where you can get everything squared away in one sitting. We all wish it could work that way, but as everyone knows, change doesn’t happen overnight. Think of this as a gradual process of readjusting BOTH your perceptions of each other and the marriage in general. Breaking the ice today can help pave a path towards a more realistic set of expectations and standards for your relationship.

While you’re at it, focus on the positive aspects of your marriage which may have been buried under your previous expectations. Try to remember what brought you together as a couple in the first place and reminisce on the highlights of your past. Sure, your relationship isn’t spotless, but that doesn’t mean you should take the best parts for granted.

Create opportunities for you to reconnect with each other and rediscover what exactly you LOVE about being together. Think of exercises (like the one above) where you can share things about your partner that turn you on, or some quirky trait that you find endearing.

As a suggestion, each of you can make a list in advance and read it to one another during a date. Imagine how romantic and moving it would be to hear your partner tell the things he/she loves the most about you (and vice-versa) over a candlelit dinner, or perhaps with sunset in full view.

The point is to make an effort to spend private time apart from the kids, work and all other responsibilities which have driven a wedge between you two. Take a time-out and go back to that place where it seemed like time stood still and there were only the two of you in the world.

Recapture that lost feeling so that you don’t forget that what you have is beyond comparison to other relationships. The simple habit of making small reminders to each other (in the form of affection, dates, etc) as well as grounding your expectations in reality both go a long way in keeping you focused on the relationship.

The more focused you are on each other (in terms of positive traits and realistic expectations), the less likely you’ll find yourselves comparing your marriage to others.

Dear Save My Marriage Today team,

We have been married for almost 12 fantastic years; it is the second marriage for both of us. In my opinion our disagreements fights were over pathetic and inconsequential issues but unfortunately we were never able to address them properly or put them to rest.

Needless to say, in every new disagreement my wife would bring up the past over and over, and it felt like fighting ghosts.

I am a firm believer that it takes two to tango, and I would never give her exclusive responsibility for our fights. Believe me I am not a saint. She has the nasty habit of sharing our personal life (disagreements/ fights) with so-called friends and you know how that goes, depending on the friend.

In some instances she tried that with my own family and needless to say they did not appreciate their son or brother being bashed. Also, my wife thinks she is the reincarnation of Mother Teresa, so she will never take any accountability for our fights, and it is always my fault.

We also have tried professional help, although for the most part, they concentrate on the negatives rather than focus on the here now and the future. I find it very strange that a professional marriage counselor would dare to ask why I did this or that 2 years ago, some days I wish I could remember what I had for dinner the previous night.

Over a recent stupid fight in Chicago (decided to invite my family over to our home for one night, I am proud of our home, and to see the kids), with my family that I had not seen over 12 years my whole world crumbled. She left me in Chicago, and before the car got cold depleted our joint accounts.

I got a ride back home with my sister and husband, and my sister got the riot act from Laura once at the house. By the way, a couple of those so-called friends were there. Stupid me for thinking the argument was with me. Anyways, they decided to stay at a nearby hotel, can’t blame them for that, and I stayed with them.

Anyways, I decided to return home the next day and to my surprise the locks had been changed and I could not enter in my own house. I also learned the police was called the previous night and obtained the report, still can not understand why she allowed those so-called friends to call the law.

I did not say a word that night; my wife said it all, unfortunately to the wrong person. After two nights at a hotel, and consulting with an attorney about my rights to return home, I got an apartment. I refuse to break into my own home.

Two weeks later I filed for divorce, I let my emotions run high. I was hoping Laura would come to her senses and stop acting irrationally, but I lost. I can not justify my actions. I just think it was a cry for help, for both of us to realize that we need help. 45 days have lapsed, we had a hearing, and I am to move back to my home and Laura goes out, God knows where.

I did not follow the advice in your book; then again I just got it last night. I tried to reach out four times, I am in love with Laura, but got no answer. These last 10 weeks have been a rollercoaster for me, but without reading your book I knew I had to take care of myself, and be happy, or try to do the best I can. There is not much I can do anymore, just hope and maybe pray, although I am not much into that.

It is hard to summarize 12 years on a few paragraphs. My marriage was 90% awesome, 10% unhealthy. She is a wonderful lady, and I miss her. She is also a very insecure individual, and this I learned via counseling and it is an area that I can do very little, I was told. I can see according to your book that it is never too late, but you must live together or have some sort of interaction for anything to work.

I do not expect your answer if any will solve my problem. Although you may lead me on a direction that can be of help for me.

MY REPLY:

I understand you when you say it is hard to summarize 12 years of marriage in a few paragraphs, but I feel you stumbled on something very powerful when you mentioned that your marriage was 90% awesome, 10% unhealthy.

That doesn’t make your marriage unusual. In fact, it makes your marriage very normal. If you read through my books you will see that perfection is a very dangerous illusion, and that it is normal to disagree, and even fight over issues in your marriage. What this tells me is that you are both passionate people, you stand up for yourselves, and that there is scope for growth.

If we never made mistakes, we would never learn, and even the most secure relationship has its fair share of mistakes. What makes it healthy or unhealthy is how you choose to react to them as a couple.

When your wife decided to run you down to friends and family, she went outside the relationship. Instead of confiding her feelings in you, she sought the support of others in her effort to be right. That was wrong.

One day, whether the lesson comes from you or someone else, she will realize the opinions of others have very little relevance for how she should conduct a relationship. It really doesn’t matter if her friends don’t like you. Her friends aren’t going to be the one counting the cost of a divorce or finding alternative accommodation now that she is out of your house. The support of friends only takes you so far, then the rest of your life is determined by the actions you take.

One of the crucial lessons we teach is that when you enter into marriage or a deep, committed relationship, you need to give up the need to be right. It’s about making the transition from being an individual to being part of a couple. It’s okay to be wrong. Being wrong exposes vulnerability, but within a loving relationship this is okay. In fact, exposing vulnerability can be an incredibly sexy and empowering exercise.

You are right when you say that you both need to share the responsibility for this one, and from what you have written I can see two people who are screaming to be heard. Laura left you in Chicago, depleted your joint accounts, locked you out of the home, and called the police to get your attention.

It certainly got your attention, but the method was flawed. In addition to getting your attention, it pushed you to react and hurt her in the way that she hurt you. So you filed for divorce to get her attention. Tit-for-tat.

The lesson for both of you here is to find ways of getting each other’s attention and listening to each other without having to resort to negative actions.

You mention reaching out to her four times. What did that involve?

It’s never too late to respond with love. Love and hate are very close on the emotional spectrum, and if he has any feeling for you, good or bad, it means that she still cares about you or cares what you think. It’s when we look at our partners and feel nothing that the marriage is in real trouble.

Have you tried writing her a letter? Have you tried talking to her about the fact that both of you make mistakes and that it is possible for both of you to get each other’s attention without hurting each other?

What specifically is it about the marriage that your wife feels the need to change? What is her motivation? What is the issue for her? What is the issue for you?

I want you to look at what makes you react the way you do. Does her need to always be right make you feel inadequate? Does it make you feel as though you never do anything right?

When I delve into past disagreements, it is often easy to identify patterns of behavior. The fact that your wife never lets anything go tells me she has a point-scoring mentality when it comes to the marriage, and may point towards self-esteem issues or similar feelings of inadequacy. It may also be a control issue.

If you want to save your marriage you have to take the first step. There will be plenty of opportunities to see her and interact with her as you negotiate your separation, and you need to focus on ways to make every interaction as positive as possible. Acknowledge her when you see her.

Acknowledge that both of you are hurting. Tell her that you will always be her friend, even if she doesn’t want to be yours. Tell her that no matter what, you love her. Even if she continues to be angry, continue to love her.

You can’t control her actions, but you have complete control over how you choose to react to her. You have the choice to participate in her anger and let the problem escalate, or to simply love her.

*** What are your thoughts? Is he right to react this way? Should he wait for her to apologize? Feel free to share your own thoughts and perceptions in the comments box below.

All marriages go through a rough patch – this is common knowledge for all couples. But if it seems that your problems are too severe, there is still a way to save your marriage even if your partner has essentially shut down on you.

There comes a time in some marriages where one of the partners has refused to work on the marriage, or has been too consumed in negativity. However, you can employ some specific measures to get your partner back on board again to prevent you from heading towards divorce:

#1: Get To Heart Of The Matter

In this scenario, you’ll be going at your marital issues alone so the first step in fixing your marriage is tracking down the root causes of your problems. Try to figure out what is it that you often fight about and identify the common themes running throughout your arguments.

For example, are you really fighting about using the Mastercard for non-emergency purchases only, or are you clashing over your values related to money in general? Oftentimes, there is something much deeper to your arguments than what you see on the surface.

Couples fight about the differences between the principles and values they developed over a lifetime of growing up. The most serious arguments in a marriage always go back to your individual personalities and the factors that shaped them, such as your childhood experiences and past relationships.

#2: Making The First Move

Again, if your spouse is uncooperative at this point in time, the next step is to think about what YOU can do to handle your differences relating to your deep-seated personality conflicts. Ideally of course, you’re supposed to reciprocate when it comes to conflict resolution, but you can still kick-start a more positive atmosphere in your marriage by taking the initiative to be a good example.

For instance, learn how to attack your problems and NOT your spouse during an argument. It’s extremely tempting to put down your partner and blame everything on their actions when you’re riled up. However, you can take the higher road by rallying your partner into working on the issues you’re fighting about rather than attributing it to a perceived personality flaw they have.

Key phrases like, “I get what you’re telling me, but help me understand why…” or “I’m really upset when you…” are constructive ways to focus the discussion on what you can do to resolve the issue. This a far better alternative to making accusations or firing off hurtful words to “win” the argument.

Making this simple change in handling conflicts will build middle ground and help you compromise with each other.

#3: Learn How To Listen

This is probably one of the biggest challenges to getting your spouse to save your marriage, which is to hear them out even if hurts to do so. Listening to your partner air their side of things is hard, especially if it involves criticism.

No one wants to have their shortcomings pointed out, but there is a lot to be learned, as painful as the experience may be. Half of healthy communication in a relationship is about listening without retaliating or judgment.
Part of the problem-solving process is learning about what it is that your partner is upset about. If you constantly filter out their words with your own biases and projections, the message gets distorted and makes it twice as difficult to come to a mutual understanding.

#4: Creating A Recovery Plan

Once you’ve done the groundwork and heard what your spouse has to say about your issues, now is the time to take action. Even if your spouse is still unwilling to actually do anything about your marital problems, they can’t stop you from proposing a solution.

Just think that you’re not trying to change your spouse’s mind overnight, but rather showing them how far you’re willing to go to save your marriage. You may not change his or her mind, but you can make your intentions clear to your partner regardless of whether they want to “get with the program” at this point in time.

Tell them how exactly you intend to make a compromise, whether it’s cutting back on your hours at work to have more time for the family, or proposing a realistic budget so you don’t keep fighting about money. You can even suggest seeing a licensed professional together to get a third party involved in working through your issues.

Again, learn how to listen to your spouse and see what they have to say about your recovery plan. This will help you come up with a definite and realistic course of action that applies to your specific circumstances.

#5: Work Through Your Frustration

It would be unrealistic not to encounter resistance from your spouse as you try to turn things around. Thus, accept that this is part of the healing process.

If your current approach isn’t working, take a step back to see the big picture. Do some research on self-help books that deal with your specific marital issues such as infidelity, mid-life crisis or identifying signs of divorce.

There’s a tendency to develop tunnel vision when you keep approaching the situation from the same angle. By trying something new, you can compare which of your attempts will best help make progress with your spouse.

Pay attention to the other aspects of your life as well. Keeping yourself well-balanced in spite of your challenges will make you a genuinely happy person. That’s just as important because a happier disposition is contagious and encourages other people to do the same – including your spouse.

Being miserable and pessimistic will only confirm with your partner that it’s better to give up.

If there’s one thing you should remember while trying to save your marriage, it’s that you will inevitably end up as a wiser and stronger person no matter the outcome. Your efforts will reward you in many ways (such as personal growth) so you stand to gain more by trying than to be passive about your marriage.

The thought of separating from one’s spouse can sometimes cause a person to overlook the red flags of a troubled marriage. While divorce has its own consequences, it is equally dangerous to simply ignore the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship.

A marriage is supposed to be a safe place where you and your spouse care and love for each other. However, if you feel that this is no longer the case, or if respect has been absent in your marriage for some time, then you need to start looking at the signs.

For instance, a lot of negative emotions will be present in the marriage. Either one or both of you are likely to harbor emotions like resentment, anger, contempt, as well as a pessimistic outlook on the relationship. What’s worse is that there will also be what’s known as ’emotional leakage’ where in the stress and depression will spill over into your job and general attitude towards life.

If you want to prevent marital disaster, the first step is to develop a further awareness of the typical issues that indicate there are some deep-seated issues that need to be addressed.

#1: A failure in communication is one of the most common warning signs in a marriage. A healthy relationship should be a two-way street which allows a couple to freely share their feelings and innermost thoughts without being attacked or judged. When it’s come to a point where trying to get your point across will turn into a full-blown fight at the slightest provocation, then you know that something’s wrong.

You can also tell if the communication process is dysfunctional when a couple doesn’t say anything during an argument that will actually help resolve their conflict. Instead, they’re more focused on exchanging hurtful words with the intention of demoralizing the other person and “gaining the upper hand”.

A better style of communication would be to focus more on what you’re feeling so that your partner will understand why you are upset in the first place. Instead of throwing accusations or playing the blame game during a heated argument, you are more likely to get better results by communicating your emotions and what can be done to rectify the perceived transgression.

This should go both ways for you and your spouse. Otherwise, you should be concerned if a relationship is suffering a lack of basic ‘communication ethics’.

#2: When one of the people in a relationship thinks that there’s inequality present, this creates a strong sense of resentment which is a sign of serious trouble.
A partner who feels wronged by their spouse is angry because they believe that their other half isn’t contributing to the relationship. The only way to deal with this particular problem is through open and honest communication – obviously, it won’t be possible if a marriage is no longer a safe place to air your grievances or express your innermost feelings.

#3: An extended lack of physical affection is also a deeper sign of trouble.
A marriage should have a strong element of intimacy, both in out of the bedroom. Sex is obviously important as it’s part of the bond that keeps a couple together in a romantic sense. However, intimacy also means being physically close in non-sexual ways, such as hugging, exchanging a kiss before going to work (or coming home), or putting your arms around your spouse while watching a movie at home.

It’s important to make sure you stay connected not just on an emotional level, but also on a physical one. Expressing your love through words is definitely vital to the health of your marriage, but you should also express yourself through touch. Being tactile with your partner on a consistent basis is must. There are plenty of opportunities for you to introduce touch into your daily routine, so the trick is to take advantage of these when they come up.

Find a reason to give your spouse a brief hug, hold their hand while you’re walking out in public, or give them a kiss before they head out the door. It might seem that these “little” moments don’t mean much on their own, but you have to look at the big picture – they count for a lot in the long run.

#4: A great part of being happy in a relationship is when a couple understands how important their individual interests are, even if they’re not necessarily interested in each other’s passions.
A marriage is in trouble if you and your partner don’t make an effort to support each other on this front.

People are never static – either you’re growing or declining. This is why you need to support your partner in whatever makes them happy and fulfilled. Everyone has their set of passions, hobbies and interests that make them the interesting and unique individuals that they are. These are the same qualities that both you and your partner had – not to mention the reason you fell for each other in the first place.

Whether it’s stamp collecting, playing music, yoga, or volunteer work, open your eyes to what makes your partner tick. Make them feel that it’s just as important for you to let them pursue these things. Alternately, let your partner know that you too have interests that give you a personal sense of accomplishment.

A marriage suffering from these warning signs is dangerous for the partners involved because there’s nothing more soul-crushing than being trapped in an unhealthy relationship. Some say it feels like dying a little each day, so you need to take necessary steps to reverse these negative trends in your marriage. Change may take time, but you have to start the recovery process as soon as you can.

Complacency is one of the biggest mistakes a couple can make, so you can’t take your marriage for granted or turn a blind eye when any of these red flags come to light. The quicker you act, the better you can stay on top of these issues and manage them before it’s too late.

In light of these 4 marriage checks, how’s your marriage looking?

See you next time for more great advice.

Today I wanted to talk about what you fear.

Fear of growing old.
Fear of falling out of love.
Fear of them falling out of love with you.
Fear of not knowing how to fix it.

When you meet your fear, it can cause you to do strange things.

It can push your loved one even further away.

If you can feel the love slipping out of your marriage, what
do you do?

What role do you play in saving your marriage?

It’s a situation faced by lots of people, which is why I wanted
to share a recent email from a customer, and my reply.

Sometimes in our haste to focus on making it right, we stifle
the very growth that is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Hi there, I hope you can help.

I have been married for 19yrs and have been together since I was
18 and she was 15. We have 2 sons, one approaching 16 the other 13yrs.
For a while now we have you could say we have been arguing with each
other probably no more than the average couple and I take it as the
norm.

But my wife went off last Sunday for a couple of days after she said
we need to talk, She said she was unhappy and needed space away from
me. I believe the main reason was she said I was smothering her and
she felt tight-chested when she or I returned home.

I do realize I do that now, if she works from home I hover round her
like a lost soul. Four months ago I changed my shift pattern so now
I am home every evening and weekend. I hadn’t taken in the fact that
for 12yrs she had girly time on an evening whilst I was at work and
now I will admit I want to spend every minute with her.

Now with the help from your book I can alter that. She came home Tues
evening and we talked but soon were in tears and she needed to get
away again.

When she is away she is with work colleagues or customers and they are men.
For a while I have had awful thoughts when she is away but trusted her
even though the men at work would say nudge nudge wink wink when I said
she was away.

I have always said its the men I don’t trust in the hotel as its
mostly the same crowd and they always converge in the bar until very
late. Lately I was getting worried if she might give in to temptation
and I get frightened and worried. She has made a few changes to herself
recently, and I know that could be because she is turning 40 soon but
I still worry there could be other reasons.

My problem I have here is I sulk when she is going away mainly of late
though I have always preferred her not to be away. But it’s part of her
job which she loves and I am proud she has something she enjoys.

When she is away I become angry, confused, and worried as a lot of the
time I don’t know where she is and she makes little contact. I believe
she does still care but wants us to have more fun and for me to do things
on an evening or a weekend with my friends so the time we are together
we appreciate it. I realize I nee to change, hence why I bought your book!

I know I am possessive and jealous at times and always want to be in her
company. We have been together for 26yrs and I still love her to bits and
want the rest of my years with her. She is worth the fight so your advise
on my smothering, possessiveness, and possibly my jealousy would be good.
I need to learn how to cope with my emotions when she is away.

I must confirm I don’t believe any thing is happening at the moment, no
unexplained texts or calls and no reason to believe any thing other than
the change of appearance such as losing weight, lower back tattoo, away
with work which is part of her job.

MY REPLY:
Thanks for your email.

When your wife is telling you that she needs space and feels smothered
and tight chested when she is around you, she is trying to convey to you
the depth and seriousness of her feeling. How you choose to react to this
news is going to determine how easy or difficult this repair process is
going to be.

The first thing I want to tell you is that you cannot underestimate the
seriousness of this issue. This is not a casual feeling she is having,
it is a strong physical reaction to the behavior that you display toward
her. Sometimes when you love something or someone so much, you try your
best to hold on to it and nurture it and care for it in the hope that it
will never leave you.

In fact, you are motivated to do this by your fears. Your fear of being
dumped, humiliated, or cheated on is your motivation to control this
situation as closely as you possibly can. The problem here is that your
fear of her leaving you or cheating on you is in fact pushing her further
away.

When she told you about her feelings and need to get some space away, she
was sending you a cry for help. I want you to consider your actions. You
mentioned that you hover over her like a lost soul. Why is that? What
other stimuli do you have in your life that can provide a suitable
distraction?

In a healthy, functional relationship there is a balance of “we” time
versus “me” time. This means that while it is lovely to spend time together
as a couple, it is also healthy to have pursuits outside the relationship.
This helps both of you develop as individuals as well as give you time to
interact with your friends and pursue hobbies and interests that your
partner may share.

Your wife is focused on her job as well as the relationships she has developed
with her work colleagues, and you need to allow her the opportunity to do this
without being resentful. Likewise, it is important that you are able to develop
interests and set personal goals for yourself, quite outside of the goals that
the two of you set as a couple.

I would like you to read a book by David Deida, called “The Way of the Superior
Man.” In this book David talks about masculine and feminine energy, and the
importance of connecting with your individuality and achieving your personal
goals and objectives as well as achieving goals in the relationship. In fact,
I wonder if this is where you are at in your relationship.

In smothering your wife and being resentful of the time she spends with others,
you are inhibiting her ability to realize her personal goals. If she feels you
are doing this, your marriage is in serious trouble. This would cause her to
evaluate whether you or her goals are more important. In a functional
relationship you should be able to facilitate both.

The challenge for you is changing your mindset. Spend some time considering
what goals you have in your life that you would like to push yourself to achieve.

What goals and visions do you have as an individual?
Do you want to achieve more in your career?
More in your learning about other people?
Do you want to develop new interests and hobbies?
Do you want to strengthen your connections with friends?

When we are in relationships, things are constantly evolving. Relationships are
partnerships, but within these partnerships we are always being called to new
challenges. This is growth. Growth can apply to achieving goals as well as
growing in love. If you stifle one, however, you risk compromising the other.

This is not an issue about your wife spending time away from home. This is not
about the men your wife associates with. This is about your reaction to your fears.
If you let your fears rule you, you will lose the very thing you are trying to save.

Examine your anger, fear, worry, confusion, sulking, jealousy, possessiveness and
smothering nature. Has your wife given you good reason to not trust her? Has she
betrayed your trust before?

You may not understand why she is faithful to you when she is exposed to such
temptations, but you need to have faith. Have faith in the fact that your wife is
still married to you because she wants to be. Have faith that you have a family with
her because she loves you.

Have faith and support her in realizing her dreams and she will reward you with love
and support in realizing yours. Remember the person she fell in love with. Were you
the same smothering, needy person? Or were you the confident and capable man who was
fun to be around and a joy to come home to?

If you want to turn this around you need to do some serious self-examination. Examine
your thoughts and fears. Ask if they are justified. Consider what it must be like for
her to come home to. Then it’s time to set goals and work towards being the husband
that is supportive and loving without expectation.

Be her lover and friend, not her keeper.

Have faith in your wife and in yourself.

In one of our previous posts, we talked about dealing with disillusionment by creating a greater sense of shared purpose in your marriage. Indeed, the “we-ness” factor in your relationship is essential to staying together.

Today, let’s get into how you and your spouse can renew your goals as a couple in order to maintain the harmony in your marriage.

Going Back to The Drawing Board

You should realize that you probably didn’t have a clear idea of what you wanted out of married life before actually tying the knot. You might have had an idea of what might happen after getting married, but these are vague, preconceived notions at best.

Think of it this way: Before you owned your first car, you probably didn’t anticipate what you needed in a vehicle. You simply imagined yourself behind the wheel, weaving through traffic or maybe blasting down an open freeway.

Other than that, you didn’t really think about things like fuel efficiency or safety features like ABS and SRS airbags. That’s kind of how marriage works, too: you won’t really know what’s on the other side until you’ve crossed that bridge.

However, there’s nothing wrong with having unclear notions back then because you couldn’t have possibly known how your marriage would evolve over time.

Now that you’ve gone through the experience of living with your spouse, you have a more mature perspective on married life. Thus, whatever goals you had before need to be re-evaluated so that they apply to the specific circumstances in your marriage.

Do some soul-searching and ask yourself the following:

“How has my outlook on my relationship changed since I got married?”

“Now that I know better, how can I make my previous expectations more specific so that they apply to my marriage?”

Get Your Spouse On-Board

Loving each other isn’t enough in a marriage. You also need to be on the same page to create a shared future that works for BOTH of you.

To do this, you and your partner will have to combine your individual goals so they form a common gameplan to help make your dreams a reality.

Both you and your spouse need to plot the exact direction that you want your marriage to take against a specific timeline. What exactly do you want to achieve in the next decade or so?

After you’ve compared your personal goals before and after getting married (from step #1), it’s time for your spouse to add their own input as well.

Set aside some time for yourselves so you can both do some soul-searching on this topic and exchange notes.
At the end of your sharing session, both of you should have shared your individual comparisons on what you wanted before getting married versus what you want now.

You may be surprised by what you uncover during this discussion. But this is actually a good thing – being aware of what’s going on inside your partner’s head is the best way to stay emotionally connected to your partner.

A lot of couples end up estranged because they’ve gotten out of touch with each other’s inner thoughts. They might have had a clear idea of what they wanted at the beginning, but couples eventually divorce when they’re no longer on the same page.

This is something that all marriages have to manage. Years of living together can make a couple lose sight of their goals and assume that they’re on the right track – until their marriage suddenly gets derailed without warning.

Implementing Your Plans

Discussing your goals is one thing, making them happen is quite another. After you’ve had a good heart-to-heart talk with your spouse about what you want to achieve in your marriage, you need to come up with a timeline and weekly schedule to stay on track.

It’s not enough to simply talk about your plans. Putting it down in writing will help you to make a solid and tangible commitment to moving forward in a unified direction. Make sure you follow through by agreeing on a plan you can stick to.

Some Caveats

While it’s good to make plans with your partner and make them happen, just make sure that your dreams are on a reasonable scale. That means you shouldn’t expect overnight changes across the board or compromise either of your well-being.

Having dreams is one thing, and smoothly integrating them in your marriage is another. Know the difference and you’ll be fine.

It may take a bit of trial and error to make your schedule work, but you’ll soon learn from experience and settle into your new routine that will help your marriage grow.

One of the perils that married couples face in the 21st Century is that they don’t have enough time for the important things in life. Whether it’s that deadline at work or having to run errands at home, chances are they’re bouncing from one priority to the next.

In the middle of this chaos, it’s their marriage that suffers the most. This is a common situation for a lot people where they’re so set in their routines that their relationships get shoved in the backseat and languish in neglect.
However, you don’t have to fret if you’re struggling to maintain the quality of your marriage. There are some basic steps you can re-learn so that you and your spouse don’t drift apart.

#1: Trace Your Roots

So maybe you’re several years down the road already and you’re at a loss over how to keep your marriage from slipping. The first thing you can do is to reignite your sense of adoration and affection for each other.

Don’t worry – it’s easier than you think. To do this, go back in time and recall how you and your spouse became a couple. One of the most underrated methods to bring the love and motivation back into your marriage is to jog your memory and revisit the history of your relationship.

Doing this has a powerful effect on your mindset, not to mention reinforce the reasons why you got together in the first place.

In your mind, try to recreate your experiences from when you were a new couple. Think of everything you saw, heard, and felt as you began to discover the wonderful new person you just met.

Did you already know back then that he or she was The One? Or was marriage the farthest thing from your mind? It’s ok if you fall under the latter – no one is expected to be that certain at the beginning.

The point of this exercise is to remind yourself of why you were attracted to your partner, and not about whether or not you were sure about getting married.

The process of falling in love is focused on the “here and now” rather than the big picture. Think about all those intense, passionate feelings you had for each other.

Just being apart for a day felt like agony, and the hours flew by like minutes while you were together. This is what the romantic stage of a relationship is all about.

Now ponder on the specific aspects of your spouse’s personality that swept you off your feet. Was it their kindness? Their confidence? Their infectious sense of humor?

Maybe it was how they knew just what to say to make your heart melt. Maybe it was the fact that they could do no wrong in your eyes. Anything and everything they said or did was wonderful – in short, you were addicted.

Once you regularly do this, you can create a healthier, more positive mindset about your spouse, especially if you’ve been getting on each other’s nerves lately. You’ll find it a whole lot easier to tackle your problems when you can teach yourself to see your spouse in a better light.

#2: Move Past The Disappointment

The next step is looking at the present picture. Compare how you felt back then to how you are now. Has there been a huge change in your fondness for your spouse? Do you feel that you’re still on the same page as them?

At one point or another, you’ve probably figured out that the romantic feelings you had at the start has gone down considerably as the months and years went by. Knowing this, you might feel like something’s wrong with your marriage if you can’t keep the passion high all the time.

Don’t fall for this typical fallacy. This is expected of all couples as they grow within the relationship and start to learn about each other on a much deeper level than before.

Just think of it this way: both you and your spouse are simply going through changes that happen in all relationships – no exceptions. Even if you’ve cooled off a bit, you can still turn the glowing embers that remain into a roaring flame once again.

To make this happen in your life, you first have to accept – and more importantly, EMBRACE – the hard truth that you and your partner won’t always be head over heels with each other.

Half the time, you’ll feel the complete opposite, and that’s perfectly ok. It isn’t just about the good times, but how you handle the bad times. Keep in mind that the ability to work past the disillusionment is the mark of a solid, grounded relationship.

Don’t forget that marriage is not just about the high you get from falling in love. It’s a wonderful thing for sure, but you also have to put in the effort after you’re past this stage. And that means prioritizing your spouse’s welfare regardless of whether you’re feeling romantic or not.

Don’t be someone who chooses to stay in a marriage just because it’s comfortable. Make the conscious decision to be there for your spouse, and not just for the sake of it. That’s the kind of attitude that will get you far in your marriage.

#3: Strengthen Your Relationship

You can manage the storms in your marriage by structuring your marriage in such a way that you can openly disagree with each other without the typical passive-aggressive tactics that some couples resort to.

Aim to reach an ideal state of reciprocation where you lift each other up on a daily basis. It’s a gradual process for sure, but making a deliberate effort to sustain this every day will get you there.

To get started with this journey, approach your marriage with a pro-active attitude. Don’t wait for your partner do something before responding with your own good deed. Make the first move to set the bar high in your marriage by acting with kindness, warmth and respect.

Don’t resent having to do the work if your spouse doesn’t share the same initiative. What’s important is that you’re setting a standard of goodwill that will inspire him or her in the long run.

It may feel awkward to make this shift in attitude if you’ve been bogged down lately with negativity. Eventually however, you can get past the initial weirdness of going back to being affectionate and respectful.

That’s not to say you aren’t affectionate and respectful now, but sometimes we slip here and there along the way. Today is a perfect opportunity to “get back on the horse”, so to speak.

If you’re having issues or disagree on certain things in your marriage, don’t treat it as a chance to blame it on your partner. You won’t get your spouse on your side with a laundry list of complaints about their personality.

Rather than accuse your spouse, get him or her to tackle your issues as a SHARED problem. Sometimes, having a “you and me against the world” outlook is helpful to get around your problems.

Also, make your spouse feel valued by acknowledging their emotions. Nothing is more frustrating than a partner who doesn’t appreciate where you’re coming from or turns a blind eye to your contributions to the relationship.

Find every excuse to say something that lets your spouse know you understand how they feel. Tell them how much you value everything they do for the sake of your marriage. Thank them within earshot of your other loved ones.

You can take this positive trend to the next level by going as far as sitting down with your spouse and taking turns praising one another. Whether you prefer putting it into writing or doing it verbally, exchanging kind words will be music to both your ears.

As for your disagreements and differences in opinion over sore spots in your marriage, talk to your spouse in order to answer this question: What can BOTH of us to do tackle this issue?

This prevents you from hurling accusations or attacking your partner, even in the heat of the moment. Don’t get into a downward spiral where the problem-solving process gets reduced to an exchange of put-downs.

Any kind of change takes time, but the work you’ll put into it is worth it. Stick to finding the good things in your relationship so that the connection you share with your spouse will deepen in the process.

Lastly, always find a way squeeze in a date or two as often as possible. The everyday, ordinary moments add up in the long run – this makes them far more powerful than the occasional out-of-town trips.

Make it your mission to look for an excuse for shared activities, even if it means getting groceries, walking the dog or a quiet evening at home while snuggled up on the couch.

If you’re strapped for time, then don’t pressure yourselves into going out for long hours. What matters is that you’re actively clearing your busy schedule for precious chunks of couple time here and there.

In the end, your relationship with your spouse should be a sanctuary from the craziness of the world. Become a pillar of strength for each other, and you’ll grow in ways you never thought possible.

Life may not be perfect, but having a well-maintained marriage is the best antidote to cynicism and estrangement.