Author: Amy Waterman

Dear Save My Marriage Today team,

We have been married for almost 12 fantastic years; it is the second marriage for both of us. In my opinion our disagreements fights were over pathetic and inconsequential issues but unfortunately we were never able to address them properly or put them to rest.

Needless to say, in every new disagreement my wife would bring up the past over and over, and it felt like fighting ghosts.

I am a firm believer that it takes two to tango, and I would never give her exclusive responsibility for our fights. Believe me I am not a saint. She has the nasty habit of sharing our personal life (disagreements/ fights) with so-called friends and you know how that goes, depending on the friend.

In some instances she tried that with my own family and needless to say they did not appreciate their son or brother being bashed. Also, my wife thinks she is the reincarnation of Mother Teresa, so she will never take any accountability for our fights, and it is always my fault.

We also have tried professional help, although for the most part, they concentrate on the negatives rather than focus on the here now and the future. I find it very strange that a professional marriage counselor would dare to ask why I did this or that 2 years ago, some days I wish I could remember what I had for dinner the previous night.

Over a recent stupid fight in Chicago (decided to invite my family over to our home for one night, I am proud of our home, and to see the kids), with my family that I had not seen over 12 years my whole world crumbled. She left me in Chicago, and before the car got cold depleted our joint accounts.

I got a ride back home with my sister and husband, and my sister got the riot act from Laura once at the house. By the way, a couple of those so-called friends were there. Stupid me for thinking the argument was with me. Anyways, they decided to stay at a nearby hotel, can’t blame them for that, and I stayed with them.

Anyways, I decided to return home the next day and to my surprise the locks had been changed and I could not enter in my own house. I also learned the police was called the previous night and obtained the report, still can not understand why she allowed those so-called friends to call the law.

I did not say a word that night; my wife said it all, unfortunately to the wrong person. After two nights at a hotel, and consulting with an attorney about my rights to return home, I got an apartment. I refuse to break into my own home.

Two weeks later I filed for divorce, I let my emotions run high. I was hoping Laura would come to her senses and stop acting irrationally, but I lost. I can not justify my actions. I just think it was a cry for help, for both of us to realize that we need help. 45 days have lapsed, we had a hearing, and I am to move back to my home and Laura goes out, God knows where.

I did not follow the advice in your book; then again I just got it last night. I tried to reach out four times, I am in love with Laura, but got no answer. These last 10 weeks have been a rollercoaster for me, but without reading your book I knew I had to take care of myself, and be happy, or try to do the best I can. There is not much I can do anymore, just hope and maybe pray, although I am not much into that.

It is hard to summarize 12 years on a few paragraphs. My marriage was 90% awesome, 10% unhealthy. She is a wonderful lady, and I miss her. She is also a very insecure individual, and this I learned via counseling and it is an area that I can do very little, I was told. I can see according to your book that it is never too late, but you must live together or have some sort of interaction for anything to work.

I do not expect your answer if any will solve my problem. Although you may lead me on a direction that can be of help for me.

MY REPLY:

I understand you when you say it is hard to summarize 12 years of marriage in a few paragraphs, but I feel you stumbled on something very powerful when you mentioned that your marriage was 90% awesome, 10% unhealthy.

That doesn’t make your marriage unusual. In fact, it makes your marriage very normal. If you read through my books you will see that perfection is a very dangerous illusion, and that it is normal to disagree, and even fight over issues in your marriage. What this tells me is that you are both passionate people, you stand up for yourselves, and that there is scope for growth.

If we never made mistakes, we would never learn, and even the most secure relationship has its fair share of mistakes. What makes it healthy or unhealthy is how you choose to react to them as a couple.

When your wife decided to run you down to friends and family, she went outside the relationship. Instead of confiding her feelings in you, she sought the support of others in her effort to be right. That was wrong.

One day, whether the lesson comes from you or someone else, she will realize the opinions of others have very little relevance for how she should conduct a relationship. It really doesn’t matter if her friends don’t like you. Her friends aren’t going to be the one counting the cost of a divorce or finding alternative accommodation now that she is out of your house. The support of friends only takes you so far, then the rest of your life is determined by the actions you take.

One of the crucial lessons we teach is that when you enter into marriage or a deep, committed relationship, you need to give up the need to be right. It’s about making the transition from being an individual to being part of a couple. It’s okay to be wrong. Being wrong exposes vulnerability, but within a loving relationship this is okay. In fact, exposing vulnerability can be an incredibly sexy and empowering exercise.

You are right when you say that you both need to share the responsibility for this one, and from what you have written I can see two people who are screaming to be heard. Laura left you in Chicago, depleted your joint accounts, locked you out of the home, and called the police to get your attention.

It certainly got your attention, but the method was flawed. In addition to getting your attention, it pushed you to react and hurt her in the way that she hurt you. So you filed for divorce to get her attention. Tit-for-tat.

The lesson for both of you here is to find ways of getting each other’s attention and listening to each other without having to resort to negative actions.

You mention reaching out to her four times. What did that involve?

It’s never too late to respond with love. Love and hate are very close on the emotional spectrum, and if he has any feeling for you, good or bad, it means that she still cares about you or cares what you think. It’s when we look at our partners and feel nothing that the marriage is in real trouble.

Have you tried writing her a letter? Have you tried talking to her about the fact that both of you make mistakes and that it is possible for both of you to get each other’s attention without hurting each other?

What specifically is it about the marriage that your wife feels the need to change? What is her motivation? What is the issue for her? What is the issue for you?

I want you to look at what makes you react the way you do. Does her need to always be right make you feel inadequate? Does it make you feel as though you never do anything right?

When I delve into past disagreements, it is often easy to identify patterns of behavior. The fact that your wife never lets anything go tells me she has a point-scoring mentality when it comes to the marriage, and may point towards self-esteem issues or similar feelings of inadequacy. It may also be a control issue.

If you want to save your marriage you have to take the first step. There will be plenty of opportunities to see her and interact with her as you negotiate your separation, and you need to focus on ways to make every interaction as positive as possible. Acknowledge her when you see her.

Acknowledge that both of you are hurting. Tell her that you will always be her friend, even if she doesn’t want to be yours. Tell her that no matter what, you love her. Even if she continues to be angry, continue to love her.

You can’t control her actions, but you have complete control over how you choose to react to her. You have the choice to participate in her anger and let the problem escalate, or to simply love her.

*** What are your thoughts? Is he right to react this way? Should he wait for her to apologize? Feel free to share your own thoughts and perceptions in the comments box below.

All marriages go through a rough patch – this is common knowledge for all couples. But if it seems that your problems are too severe, there is still a way to save your marriage even if your partner has essentially shut down on you.

There comes a time in some marriages where one of the partners has refused to work on the marriage, or has been too consumed in negativity. However, you can employ some specific measures to get your partner back on board again to prevent you from heading towards divorce:

#1: Get To Heart Of The Matter

In this scenario, you’ll be going at your marital issues alone so the first step in fixing your marriage is tracking down the root causes of your problems. Try to figure out what is it that you often fight about and identify the common themes running throughout your arguments.

For example, are you really fighting about using the Mastercard for non-emergency purchases only, or are you clashing over your values related to money in general? Oftentimes, there is something much deeper to your arguments than what you see on the surface.

Couples fight about the differences between the principles and values they developed over a lifetime of growing up. The most serious arguments in a marriage always go back to your individual personalities and the factors that shaped them, such as your childhood experiences and past relationships.

#2: Making The First Move

Again, if your spouse is uncooperative at this point in time, the next step is to think about what YOU can do to handle your differences relating to your deep-seated personality conflicts. Ideally of course, you’re supposed to reciprocate when it comes to conflict resolution, but you can still kick-start a more positive atmosphere in your marriage by taking the initiative to be a good example.

For instance, learn how to attack your problems and NOT your spouse during an argument. It’s extremely tempting to put down your partner and blame everything on their actions when you’re riled up. However, you can take the higher road by rallying your partner into working on the issues you’re fighting about rather than attributing it to a perceived personality flaw they have.

Key phrases like, “I get what you’re telling me, but help me understand why…” or “I’m really upset when you…” are constructive ways to focus the discussion on what you can do to resolve the issue. This a far better alternative to making accusations or firing off hurtful words to “win” the argument.

Making this simple change in handling conflicts will build middle ground and help you compromise with each other.

#3: Learn How To Listen

This is probably one of the biggest challenges to getting your spouse to save your marriage, which is to hear them out even if hurts to do so. Listening to your partner air their side of things is hard, especially if it involves criticism.

No one wants to have their shortcomings pointed out, but there is a lot to be learned, as painful as the experience may be. Half of healthy communication in a relationship is about listening without retaliating or judgment.
Part of the problem-solving process is learning about what it is that your partner is upset about. If you constantly filter out their words with your own biases and projections, the message gets distorted and makes it twice as difficult to come to a mutual understanding.

#4: Creating A Recovery Plan

Once you’ve done the groundwork and heard what your spouse has to say about your issues, now is the time to take action. Even if your spouse is still unwilling to actually do anything about your marital problems, they can’t stop you from proposing a solution.

Just think that you’re not trying to change your spouse’s mind overnight, but rather showing them how far you’re willing to go to save your marriage. You may not change his or her mind, but you can make your intentions clear to your partner regardless of whether they want to “get with the program” at this point in time.

Tell them how exactly you intend to make a compromise, whether it’s cutting back on your hours at work to have more time for the family, or proposing a realistic budget so you don’t keep fighting about money. You can even suggest seeing a licensed professional together to get a third party involved in working through your issues.

Again, learn how to listen to your spouse and see what they have to say about your recovery plan. This will help you come up with a definite and realistic course of action that applies to your specific circumstances.

#5: Work Through Your Frustration

It would be unrealistic not to encounter resistance from your spouse as you try to turn things around. Thus, accept that this is part of the healing process.

If your current approach isn’t working, take a step back to see the big picture. Do some research on self-help books that deal with your specific marital issues such as infidelity, mid-life crisis or identifying signs of divorce.

There’s a tendency to develop tunnel vision when you keep approaching the situation from the same angle. By trying something new, you can compare which of your attempts will best help make progress with your spouse.

Pay attention to the other aspects of your life as well. Keeping yourself well-balanced in spite of your challenges will make you a genuinely happy person. That’s just as important because a happier disposition is contagious and encourages other people to do the same – including your spouse.

Being miserable and pessimistic will only confirm with your partner that it’s better to give up.

If there’s one thing you should remember while trying to save your marriage, it’s that you will inevitably end up as a wiser and stronger person no matter the outcome. Your efforts will reward you in many ways (such as personal growth) so you stand to gain more by trying than to be passive about your marriage.

The thought of separating from one’s spouse can sometimes cause a person to overlook the red flags of a troubled marriage. While divorce has its own consequences, it is equally dangerous to simply ignore the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship.

A marriage is supposed to be a safe place where you and your spouse care and love for each other. However, if you feel that this is no longer the case, or if respect has been absent in your marriage for some time, then you need to start looking at the signs.

For instance, a lot of negative emotions will be present in the marriage. Either one or both of you are likely to harbor emotions like resentment, anger, contempt, as well as a pessimistic outlook on the relationship. What’s worse is that there will also be what’s known as ’emotional leakage’ where in the stress and depression will spill over into your job and general attitude towards life.

If you want to prevent marital disaster, the first step is to develop a further awareness of the typical issues that indicate there are some deep-seated issues that need to be addressed.

#1: A failure in communication is one of the most common warning signs in a marriage. A healthy relationship should be a two-way street which allows a couple to freely share their feelings and innermost thoughts without being attacked or judged. When it’s come to a point where trying to get your point across will turn into a full-blown fight at the slightest provocation, then you know that something’s wrong.

You can also tell if the communication process is dysfunctional when a couple doesn’t say anything during an argument that will actually help resolve their conflict. Instead, they’re more focused on exchanging hurtful words with the intention of demoralizing the other person and “gaining the upper hand”.

A better style of communication would be to focus more on what you’re feeling so that your partner will understand why you are upset in the first place. Instead of throwing accusations or playing the blame game during a heated argument, you are more likely to get better results by communicating your emotions and what can be done to rectify the perceived transgression.

This should go both ways for you and your spouse. Otherwise, you should be concerned if a relationship is suffering a lack of basic ‘communication ethics’.

#2: When one of the people in a relationship thinks that there’s inequality present, this creates a strong sense of resentment which is a sign of serious trouble.
A partner who feels wronged by their spouse is angry because they believe that their other half isn’t contributing to the relationship. The only way to deal with this particular problem is through open and honest communication – obviously, it won’t be possible if a marriage is no longer a safe place to air your grievances or express your innermost feelings.

#3: An extended lack of physical affection is also a deeper sign of trouble.
A marriage should have a strong element of intimacy, both in out of the bedroom. Sex is obviously important as it’s part of the bond that keeps a couple together in a romantic sense. However, intimacy also means being physically close in non-sexual ways, such as hugging, exchanging a kiss before going to work (or coming home), or putting your arms around your spouse while watching a movie at home.

It’s important to make sure you stay connected not just on an emotional level, but also on a physical one. Expressing your love through words is definitely vital to the health of your marriage, but you should also express yourself through touch. Being tactile with your partner on a consistent basis is must. There are plenty of opportunities for you to introduce touch into your daily routine, so the trick is to take advantage of these when they come up.

Find a reason to give your spouse a brief hug, hold their hand while you’re walking out in public, or give them a kiss before they head out the door. It might seem that these “little” moments don’t mean much on their own, but you have to look at the big picture – they count for a lot in the long run.

#4: A great part of being happy in a relationship is when a couple understands how important their individual interests are, even if they’re not necessarily interested in each other’s passions.
A marriage is in trouble if you and your partner don’t make an effort to support each other on this front.

People are never static – either you’re growing or declining. This is why you need to support your partner in whatever makes them happy and fulfilled. Everyone has their set of passions, hobbies and interests that make them the interesting and unique individuals that they are. These are the same qualities that both you and your partner had – not to mention the reason you fell for each other in the first place.

Whether it’s stamp collecting, playing music, yoga, or volunteer work, open your eyes to what makes your partner tick. Make them feel that it’s just as important for you to let them pursue these things. Alternately, let your partner know that you too have interests that give you a personal sense of accomplishment.

A marriage suffering from these warning signs is dangerous for the partners involved because there’s nothing more soul-crushing than being trapped in an unhealthy relationship. Some say it feels like dying a little each day, so you need to take necessary steps to reverse these negative trends in your marriage. Change may take time, but you have to start the recovery process as soon as you can.

Complacency is one of the biggest mistakes a couple can make, so you can’t take your marriage for granted or turn a blind eye when any of these red flags come to light. The quicker you act, the better you can stay on top of these issues and manage them before it’s too late.

In light of these 4 marriage checks, how’s your marriage looking?

See you next time for more great advice.

Today I wanted to talk about what you fear.

Fear of growing old.
Fear of falling out of love.
Fear of them falling out of love with you.
Fear of not knowing how to fix it.

When you meet your fear, it can cause you to do strange things.

It can push your loved one even further away.

If you can feel the love slipping out of your marriage, what
do you do?

What role do you play in saving your marriage?

It’s a situation faced by lots of people, which is why I wanted
to share a recent email from a customer, and my reply.

Sometimes in our haste to focus on making it right, we stifle
the very growth that is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Hi there, I hope you can help.

I have been married for 19yrs and have been together since I was
18 and she was 15. We have 2 sons, one approaching 16 the other 13yrs.
For a while now we have you could say we have been arguing with each
other probably no more than the average couple and I take it as the
norm.

But my wife went off last Sunday for a couple of days after she said
we need to talk, She said she was unhappy and needed space away from
me. I believe the main reason was she said I was smothering her and
she felt tight-chested when she or I returned home.

I do realize I do that now, if she works from home I hover round her
like a lost soul. Four months ago I changed my shift pattern so now
I am home every evening and weekend. I hadn’t taken in the fact that
for 12yrs she had girly time on an evening whilst I was at work and
now I will admit I want to spend every minute with her.

Now with the help from your book I can alter that. She came home Tues
evening and we talked but soon were in tears and she needed to get
away again.

When she is away she is with work colleagues or customers and they are men.
For a while I have had awful thoughts when she is away but trusted her
even though the men at work would say nudge nudge wink wink when I said
she was away.

I have always said its the men I don’t trust in the hotel as its
mostly the same crowd and they always converge in the bar until very
late. Lately I was getting worried if she might give in to temptation
and I get frightened and worried. She has made a few changes to herself
recently, and I know that could be because she is turning 40 soon but
I still worry there could be other reasons.

My problem I have here is I sulk when she is going away mainly of late
though I have always preferred her not to be away. But it’s part of her
job which she loves and I am proud she has something she enjoys.

When she is away I become angry, confused, and worried as a lot of the
time I don’t know where she is and she makes little contact. I believe
she does still care but wants us to have more fun and for me to do things
on an evening or a weekend with my friends so the time we are together
we appreciate it. I realize I nee to change, hence why I bought your book!

I know I am possessive and jealous at times and always want to be in her
company. We have been together for 26yrs and I still love her to bits and
want the rest of my years with her. She is worth the fight so your advise
on my smothering, possessiveness, and possibly my jealousy would be good.
I need to learn how to cope with my emotions when she is away.

I must confirm I don’t believe any thing is happening at the moment, no
unexplained texts or calls and no reason to believe any thing other than
the change of appearance such as losing weight, lower back tattoo, away
with work which is part of her job.

MY REPLY:
Thanks for your email.

When your wife is telling you that she needs space and feels smothered
and tight chested when she is around you, she is trying to convey to you
the depth and seriousness of her feeling. How you choose to react to this
news is going to determine how easy or difficult this repair process is
going to be.

The first thing I want to tell you is that you cannot underestimate the
seriousness of this issue. This is not a casual feeling she is having,
it is a strong physical reaction to the behavior that you display toward
her. Sometimes when you love something or someone so much, you try your
best to hold on to it and nurture it and care for it in the hope that it
will never leave you.

In fact, you are motivated to do this by your fears. Your fear of being
dumped, humiliated, or cheated on is your motivation to control this
situation as closely as you possibly can. The problem here is that your
fear of her leaving you or cheating on you is in fact pushing her further
away.

When she told you about her feelings and need to get some space away, she
was sending you a cry for help. I want you to consider your actions. You
mentioned that you hover over her like a lost soul. Why is that? What
other stimuli do you have in your life that can provide a suitable
distraction?

In a healthy, functional relationship there is a balance of “we” time
versus “me” time. This means that while it is lovely to spend time together
as a couple, it is also healthy to have pursuits outside the relationship.
This helps both of you develop as individuals as well as give you time to
interact with your friends and pursue hobbies and interests that your
partner may share.

Your wife is focused on her job as well as the relationships she has developed
with her work colleagues, and you need to allow her the opportunity to do this
without being resentful. Likewise, it is important that you are able to develop
interests and set personal goals for yourself, quite outside of the goals that
the two of you set as a couple.

I would like you to read a book by David Deida, called “The Way of the Superior
Man.” In this book David talks about masculine and feminine energy, and the
importance of connecting with your individuality and achieving your personal
goals and objectives as well as achieving goals in the relationship. In fact,
I wonder if this is where you are at in your relationship.

In smothering your wife and being resentful of the time she spends with others,
you are inhibiting her ability to realize her personal goals. If she feels you
are doing this, your marriage is in serious trouble. This would cause her to
evaluate whether you or her goals are more important. In a functional
relationship you should be able to facilitate both.

The challenge for you is changing your mindset. Spend some time considering
what goals you have in your life that you would like to push yourself to achieve.

What goals and visions do you have as an individual?
Do you want to achieve more in your career?
More in your learning about other people?
Do you want to develop new interests and hobbies?
Do you want to strengthen your connections with friends?

When we are in relationships, things are constantly evolving. Relationships are
partnerships, but within these partnerships we are always being called to new
challenges. This is growth. Growth can apply to achieving goals as well as
growing in love. If you stifle one, however, you risk compromising the other.

This is not an issue about your wife spending time away from home. This is not
about the men your wife associates with. This is about your reaction to your fears.
If you let your fears rule you, you will lose the very thing you are trying to save.

Examine your anger, fear, worry, confusion, sulking, jealousy, possessiveness and
smothering nature. Has your wife given you good reason to not trust her? Has she
betrayed your trust before?

You may not understand why she is faithful to you when she is exposed to such
temptations, but you need to have faith. Have faith in the fact that your wife is
still married to you because she wants to be. Have faith that you have a family with
her because she loves you.

Have faith and support her in realizing her dreams and she will reward you with love
and support in realizing yours. Remember the person she fell in love with. Were you
the same smothering, needy person? Or were you the confident and capable man who was
fun to be around and a joy to come home to?

If you want to turn this around you need to do some serious self-examination. Examine
your thoughts and fears. Ask if they are justified. Consider what it must be like for
her to come home to. Then it’s time to set goals and work towards being the husband
that is supportive and loving without expectation.

Be her lover and friend, not her keeper.

Have faith in your wife and in yourself.

In one of our previous posts, we talked about dealing with disillusionment by creating a greater sense of shared purpose in your marriage. Indeed, the “we-ness” factor in your relationship is essential to staying together.

Today, let’s get into how you and your spouse can renew your goals as a couple in order to maintain the harmony in your marriage.

Going Back to The Drawing Board

You should realize that you probably didn’t have a clear idea of what you wanted out of married life before actually tying the knot. You might have had an idea of what might happen after getting married, but these are vague, preconceived notions at best.

Think of it this way: Before you owned your first car, you probably didn’t anticipate what you needed in a vehicle. You simply imagined yourself behind the wheel, weaving through traffic or maybe blasting down an open freeway.

Other than that, you didn’t really think about things like fuel efficiency or safety features like ABS and SRS airbags. That’s kind of how marriage works, too: you won’t really know what’s on the other side until you’ve crossed that bridge.

However, there’s nothing wrong with having unclear notions back then because you couldn’t have possibly known how your marriage would evolve over time.

Now that you’ve gone through the experience of living with your spouse, you have a more mature perspective on married life. Thus, whatever goals you had before need to be re-evaluated so that they apply to the specific circumstances in your marriage.

Do some soul-searching and ask yourself the following:

“How has my outlook on my relationship changed since I got married?”

“Now that I know better, how can I make my previous expectations more specific so that they apply to my marriage?”

Get Your Spouse On-Board

Loving each other isn’t enough in a marriage. You also need to be on the same page to create a shared future that works for BOTH of you.

To do this, you and your partner will have to combine your individual goals so they form a common gameplan to help make your dreams a reality.

Both you and your spouse need to plot the exact direction that you want your marriage to take against a specific timeline. What exactly do you want to achieve in the next decade or so?

After you’ve compared your personal goals before and after getting married (from step #1), it’s time for your spouse to add their own input as well.

Set aside some time for yourselves so you can both do some soul-searching on this topic and exchange notes.
At the end of your sharing session, both of you should have shared your individual comparisons on what you wanted before getting married versus what you want now.

You may be surprised by what you uncover during this discussion. But this is actually a good thing – being aware of what’s going on inside your partner’s head is the best way to stay emotionally connected to your partner.

A lot of couples end up estranged because they’ve gotten out of touch with each other’s inner thoughts. They might have had a clear idea of what they wanted at the beginning, but couples eventually divorce when they’re no longer on the same page.

This is something that all marriages have to manage. Years of living together can make a couple lose sight of their goals and assume that they’re on the right track – until their marriage suddenly gets derailed without warning.

Implementing Your Plans

Discussing your goals is one thing, making them happen is quite another. After you’ve had a good heart-to-heart talk with your spouse about what you want to achieve in your marriage, you need to come up with a timeline and weekly schedule to stay on track.

It’s not enough to simply talk about your plans. Putting it down in writing will help you to make a solid and tangible commitment to moving forward in a unified direction. Make sure you follow through by agreeing on a plan you can stick to.

Some Caveats

While it’s good to make plans with your partner and make them happen, just make sure that your dreams are on a reasonable scale. That means you shouldn’t expect overnight changes across the board or compromise either of your well-being.

Having dreams is one thing, and smoothly integrating them in your marriage is another. Know the difference and you’ll be fine.

It may take a bit of trial and error to make your schedule work, but you’ll soon learn from experience and settle into your new routine that will help your marriage grow.

One of the perils that married couples face in the 21st Century is that they don’t have enough time for the important things in life. Whether it’s that deadline at work or having to run errands at home, chances are they’re bouncing from one priority to the next.

In the middle of this chaos, it’s their marriage that suffers the most. This is a common situation for a lot people where they’re so set in their routines that their relationships get shoved in the backseat and languish in neglect.
However, you don’t have to fret if you’re struggling to maintain the quality of your marriage. There are some basic steps you can re-learn so that you and your spouse don’t drift apart.

#1: Trace Your Roots

So maybe you’re several years down the road already and you’re at a loss over how to keep your marriage from slipping. The first thing you can do is to reignite your sense of adoration and affection for each other.

Don’t worry – it’s easier than you think. To do this, go back in time and recall how you and your spouse became a couple. One of the most underrated methods to bring the love and motivation back into your marriage is to jog your memory and revisit the history of your relationship.

Doing this has a powerful effect on your mindset, not to mention reinforce the reasons why you got together in the first place.

In your mind, try to recreate your experiences from when you were a new couple. Think of everything you saw, heard, and felt as you began to discover the wonderful new person you just met.

Did you already know back then that he or she was The One? Or was marriage the farthest thing from your mind? It’s ok if you fall under the latter – no one is expected to be that certain at the beginning.

The point of this exercise is to remind yourself of why you were attracted to your partner, and not about whether or not you were sure about getting married.

The process of falling in love is focused on the “here and now” rather than the big picture. Think about all those intense, passionate feelings you had for each other.

Just being apart for a day felt like agony, and the hours flew by like minutes while you were together. This is what the romantic stage of a relationship is all about.

Now ponder on the specific aspects of your spouse’s personality that swept you off your feet. Was it their kindness? Their confidence? Their infectious sense of humor?

Maybe it was how they knew just what to say to make your heart melt. Maybe it was the fact that they could do no wrong in your eyes. Anything and everything they said or did was wonderful – in short, you were addicted.

Once you regularly do this, you can create a healthier, more positive mindset about your spouse, especially if you’ve been getting on each other’s nerves lately. You’ll find it a whole lot easier to tackle your problems when you can teach yourself to see your spouse in a better light.

#2: Move Past The Disappointment

The next step is looking at the present picture. Compare how you felt back then to how you are now. Has there been a huge change in your fondness for your spouse? Do you feel that you’re still on the same page as them?

At one point or another, you’ve probably figured out that the romantic feelings you had at the start has gone down considerably as the months and years went by. Knowing this, you might feel like something’s wrong with your marriage if you can’t keep the passion high all the time.

Don’t fall for this typical fallacy. This is expected of all couples as they grow within the relationship and start to learn about each other on a much deeper level than before.

Just think of it this way: both you and your spouse are simply going through changes that happen in all relationships – no exceptions. Even if you’ve cooled off a bit, you can still turn the glowing embers that remain into a roaring flame once again.

To make this happen in your life, you first have to accept – and more importantly, EMBRACE – the hard truth that you and your partner won’t always be head over heels with each other.

Half the time, you’ll feel the complete opposite, and that’s perfectly ok. It isn’t just about the good times, but how you handle the bad times. Keep in mind that the ability to work past the disillusionment is the mark of a solid, grounded relationship.

Don’t forget that marriage is not just about the high you get from falling in love. It’s a wonderful thing for sure, but you also have to put in the effort after you’re past this stage. And that means prioritizing your spouse’s welfare regardless of whether you’re feeling romantic or not.

Don’t be someone who chooses to stay in a marriage just because it’s comfortable. Make the conscious decision to be there for your spouse, and not just for the sake of it. That’s the kind of attitude that will get you far in your marriage.

#3: Strengthen Your Relationship

You can manage the storms in your marriage by structuring your marriage in such a way that you can openly disagree with each other without the typical passive-aggressive tactics that some couples resort to.

Aim to reach an ideal state of reciprocation where you lift each other up on a daily basis. It’s a gradual process for sure, but making a deliberate effort to sustain this every day will get you there.

To get started with this journey, approach your marriage with a pro-active attitude. Don’t wait for your partner do something before responding with your own good deed. Make the first move to set the bar high in your marriage by acting with kindness, warmth and respect.

Don’t resent having to do the work if your spouse doesn’t share the same initiative. What’s important is that you’re setting a standard of goodwill that will inspire him or her in the long run.

It may feel awkward to make this shift in attitude if you’ve been bogged down lately with negativity. Eventually however, you can get past the initial weirdness of going back to being affectionate and respectful.

That’s not to say you aren’t affectionate and respectful now, but sometimes we slip here and there along the way. Today is a perfect opportunity to “get back on the horse”, so to speak.

If you’re having issues or disagree on certain things in your marriage, don’t treat it as a chance to blame it on your partner. You won’t get your spouse on your side with a laundry list of complaints about their personality.

Rather than accuse your spouse, get him or her to tackle your issues as a SHARED problem. Sometimes, having a “you and me against the world” outlook is helpful to get around your problems.

Also, make your spouse feel valued by acknowledging their emotions. Nothing is more frustrating than a partner who doesn’t appreciate where you’re coming from or turns a blind eye to your contributions to the relationship.

Find every excuse to say something that lets your spouse know you understand how they feel. Tell them how much you value everything they do for the sake of your marriage. Thank them within earshot of your other loved ones.

You can take this positive trend to the next level by going as far as sitting down with your spouse and taking turns praising one another. Whether you prefer putting it into writing or doing it verbally, exchanging kind words will be music to both your ears.

As for your disagreements and differences in opinion over sore spots in your marriage, talk to your spouse in order to answer this question: What can BOTH of us to do tackle this issue?

This prevents you from hurling accusations or attacking your partner, even in the heat of the moment. Don’t get into a downward spiral where the problem-solving process gets reduced to an exchange of put-downs.

Any kind of change takes time, but the work you’ll put into it is worth it. Stick to finding the good things in your relationship so that the connection you share with your spouse will deepen in the process.

Lastly, always find a way squeeze in a date or two as often as possible. The everyday, ordinary moments add up in the long run – this makes them far more powerful than the occasional out-of-town trips.

Make it your mission to look for an excuse for shared activities, even if it means getting groceries, walking the dog or a quiet evening at home while snuggled up on the couch.

If you’re strapped for time, then don’t pressure yourselves into going out for long hours. What matters is that you’re actively clearing your busy schedule for precious chunks of couple time here and there.

In the end, your relationship with your spouse should be a sanctuary from the craziness of the world. Become a pillar of strength for each other, and you’ll grow in ways you never thought possible.

Life may not be perfect, but having a well-maintained marriage is the best antidote to cynicism and estrangement.

We’ve all been there before. There you were, starting a new life with your partner, thinking of the infinite possibilities that lie ahead.

Then before you knew it, you became strangers to each other, scratching your heads over how reality shattered the high expectations you had at the beginning.

We’ve all felt that incredible rush that comes with falling in love with someone – followed by the rude awakening that comes with the difficulties of married life.

When you got to this point, did you feel like throwing in the towel or long for the perks of being single again?

If you have, don’t fret – anyone who’s been married for a while has come to this crossroads too. When your morale is at its lowest, it’s normal to have these feelings.

However, the good news is that this is just a temporary phase that you can power through. Like they say, the course of love isn’t always smooth sailing.

You can AND will get through the rough patches if you truly want to.

“How Do I Get Over The Disappointment?”

You may not be able to control your circumstances right now, but there is one thing you can master: your mindset.

Though the external world (i.e. the events in your life) may move in ways that cause you distress, ultimately you can still choose HOW to react.

Are you going let the outside world dictate what you feel on the inside? Or can you focus on thinking about the things you can change instead?

Your spouse may not be the perfect person you once thought he or she was, but does that mean you can’t choose to accept who they’ve become?

Yes, married life is tough – that’s a basic reality that we all have to live with.
Nevertheless, you still have the power to feel the way you want to, no matter how much life swirls around you. Besides, what you feel on the inside may not always reflect reality.

What Do I Do About It Then?

“I get that”, you might be thinking, “but it’s unrealistic for me to instantly feel better just by being more positive.”

Indeed, all the positive thinking in the world can’t change things on its own. Besides, it’s not about pretending that everything is ok when you know it’s not.

It’s about making the conscious decision NOT to dwell on the negatives of your relationship and focus on DOING something constructive instead.

Thus, the other part of dealing with disillusionment is making an effort to understand the underlying issue, which is having different ideas of what the perfect marriage is.

Calling Out The Elephant in the Room

Much of the “reality check” phase – when real life catches up to the fairy tale – comes from NOT having a shared definition of the ideal life with your partner.

Chances are this wasn’t the case in the beginning. You and your spouse probably had the same rough idea of the direction that your marriage should take.

Over time however, people change for one reason or another. Our experiences shape us in many ways, and major milestones down the line can affect our mindset and priorities in life.

Then there are cases where you had radically different ideas from the outset, but never got around to discussing them before getting married.

For instance, maybe you assumed your spouse was perfectly happy spending a lot of time at home to catch up on your favorite books, shows and movies.

On the contrary, your partner might have been more interested in travelling the world together, getting lost in the middle of nowhere while learning “strange” new cultures and creating meaningful experiences in the process.

Whatever your differences may be, it’s common for many couples to overlook this. They simply don’t realize that they’re no longer on the same page (or never were to begin with).

A lot of marital dissatisfaction comes from these fundamental differences; not only does it lead to disillusionment, but also resentment in the long run.

Taking The First Step

If you think that you’re not on the same page with your spouse, it’s probably why you’re feeling disenchanted or even cynical about your marriage.

If that’s the case, then it’s time to create subtle but effective changes in your marriage to get back on track.

Sometimes, the best way to start is by asking your spouse what’s on their mind.

Consider if you’ve ever asked your partner the following:

“What do you think it means to have a shared life?”

“How much have your thoughts on that changed since we got married?”

“What’s your greatest achievement so far?”

“Where do you want your career to be in the next five years?”

“Where do you see US in the next five years?”

Couples who have a common vision of their marriage already know the answer to these questions. For them, there is no emotional disconnect – they know what the other is coming from even if they don’t agree 100% on their respective dreams.

In fact, dealing with disillusionment isn’t so much about having the same ideas about the ideal marriage as it is being aware of them AND finding a way to reconcile them.

Finding middle ground is the mark of a strong, stable marriage. The next time you have the opportunity, try picking your partner’s brain in a casual, non-threatening way.

Sit them down with their favorite snack or beverage and slip it in the conversation. Get them used to the idea of talking about their hopes and dreams.

Although talking about these things might be essential, you don’t have to get “heavy” with your spouse about it.

Progress, One Day at a Time

In time, you’ll uncover your differences when it comes to what you both want out of your marriage. Like I said earlier, not having the same vision of the perfect relationship doesn’t mean you should be emotionally distant from each other.

You may have your work cut out for you right now, but taking the initiative to get these thoughts out in the open will benefit you both.

After you’ve eliminated the assumptions and misunderstandings, you’ll eventually regain a brighter outlook on things and stop being jaded about your marriage.

That’s all for now. But I’d love to hear about your experiences. What are your sticking points? What works for you?

Share in the comments below.

When I joined an overseas student exchange program many years ago, I learned an important truth. One particular sentence I came across during our cultural orientation stuck with me over the years:

“It’s not right, it’s not wrong – it’s just different.”

The purpose of our orientation was to prepare us for the inevitable culture shock we were going to experience once we set foot on foreign soil. More importantly, we were taught to accept the cultural differences without judgment.

That particular line resonated with me so strongly because I’ve been able to put it to use in many other situations well after my exchange program ended.

As I thought about the meaning behind the sentence, it occurred to me that the same truth applied to dealing with just about any person I had a disagreement with – significant others included.

Unpleasantly Surprised

Getting married is a lot like stepping into unknown territory. In a way, you’re immersing yourself in a new culture and a way of life that’s radically different from what you knew before.

Your spouse is another person with his or her own set of values, beliefs and principles, and they’re likely to clash with your own at some point in the relationship.

And when that happens, your differences in opinion won’t only make you feel like your spouse is from a different country, but another planet altogether.

Chances are, your marital version of culture shock might have triggered thoughts such as the following:

“How could he continually leave his dirty laundry lying around the house? He must be CRAZY to think I’ll always be there to pick up after him!”

“She keeps maxing out her credit cards every month – how can she be so calm about it? Does she think money grows on trees or something??”

So how can you come to agree to disagree about your “cultural differences” and accept that your perspectives are simply different?

Bridging The Gap

To gain a mutual understanding of your perspectives, you need to bring both sides of the story together. Your partner needs to know where you’re coming from, and vice-versa.

The best way to start is by sharing your feelings about a recent argument you had with your spouse. Let your partner know (without accusations or judgment) exactly what you felt when they rejected your point of view.

Furthermore, let them know why you experienced those feelings in the first place. Whether it was something they said or did, explain to it to them as if you were observing it from someone else’s point of view.

Consider the example below:

“It felt like my opinion was less than nothing because you didn’t even bother to listen to my side. You just kept repeating and reiterating why you believed you were right. Worse, I felt like I had to defend myself and my beliefs since you wouldn’t let up with the criticism.”

But you shouldn’t stop there – the other half of the solution is also letting your partner have their turn at sharing their own thoughts in the same way.

I’m going to be honest: It’s going to be hard to hear out your spouse. You might feel the urge to fire back at this point, but you don’t have to obey this instinct and hold your tongue instead.

(If you need help preventing a tense situation from escalating, it would be wise to go over our previous post:
http://www.savemymarriagetoday.com/blog/a-5-step-plan-to-deal-with-anger)

Digging Deeper

After you’ve both shared your sides to the story, it’s time to address an important question:

What is it that made you feel so strongly during the argument in the first place?

You have to remember that we’re all unique individuals with our own quirks. Like characters in a story, each of us has a backstory that plays a part in the conflict.

However, there is no “good guy” or “bad guy” in the relationship – only two people who simply think differently for one reason or another.

Thus, your mission is to uncover these reasons because they influence whatever perspective you have about key issues in your marriage. This is the only way to create middle ground and foster a great sense of understanding between you and your partner.

A good place to start would be your childhood and adolescent experiences, as well as previous relationships. These shape a person’s outlook on life in a powerful way, and in turn influence their position in a given argument.

If you’re fighting about financial matters, perhaps one of you grew up in a household where there was enough money to go around, while the other did not.

For couples constantly arguing over sex, you need to look into how your previous relationships have affected your views on physical intimacy. For instance, one of you might have had an unpleasant sexual experience in the past.

Whatever your past may be, they need to be taken into account because both of you may be projecting your feelings from your previous experiences. Once the pieces of the bigger picture come together, you’ll find it much easier to accept your differences.

This is an important milestone in a relationship as it keeps you from attributing the conflict to a perceived personality flaw that your partner has.

What’s more, you’ll be able to forgive each other’s mistakes, and make a commitment to handle future conflicts in a more constructive way.

The ultimate overall benefit of this approach is this: while you’ll never agree on certain issues in your marriage, you’ll still be able to live with your differences and grow as a couple.

Couples often ask us how they can tell if “the spark” in the marriage is still there.

The first thing we always reassure people is that their relationship doesn’t have to be a copy of a romantic movie.

Not every waking minute has to be filled with romantic moments in real life. In fact, your relationship may seem boring compared to what you might see on the big screen and STILL, in reality, have that “spark” burning bright.

If you’re wondering about your own relationship, think back to the last time you went out on a date.

How did things go? Did you enjoy swapping stories and laugh a lot? Did you kiss and hug throughout?

Or, did the atmosphere feel forced and awkward, with a lot of dead air?

Did your conversations feel like a landmine where one wrong move could trigger an explosive fight?

Having dinner at a fancy restaurant or taking a romantic evening stroll on a horse-drawn carriage won’t do you any good without a strong sense of closeness in your relationship.

The good news is that you don’t need a drastic overhaul to turn things around with your spouse.

If you’re feeling emotionally distant from your spouse, there are a number of “little” ways to bring back the closeness which don’t require to you to act like a character in a romantic movie.

The first way is to brainstorm simple activities which allow you to spend time with each other. Talk about what you both like to do and agree to accommodate each other’s interests.

For instance, maybe you’d really love your partner to join you walking the dog every Saturday evening while he or she would like you to join them for their monthly sci-fi movie marathon.

The challenge may be that you’re not into sci-fi and your partner isn’t really a dog person. However, your marriage can stand to gain a lot from supporting the other’s favorite activities.

In short, being close with your spouse has a lot to do with meeting your emotional needs by paying attention to them and responding appropriately. Imagine how good it would feel if your partner agreed to do things with you even if it isn’t something they are passionate about.

Don’t forget: The gift of your undivided ATTENTION is the most precious currency your marriage could ever have!

The other way to stay close to your spouse is by keeping track of the everyday things that you do for them – but never the other way around.

The point isn’t to make sure both of you are giving equally, but rather that you’re doing what you can to keep your spouse happy in small ways, one day at a time.

Here are some ordinary ways that will yield extraordinary results:

– Fix your spouse’s computer (especially if they’re technologically challenged)

– Clean your spouse’s car (or take it to a valet)

– Take out the trash the first time they ask you (or do it without being asked!)

– Pay the cable bill for them

– Make an extra slice of toast or an extra cup of coffee in the morning for your spouse

– Buy their favourite soap or bodywash and leave it in the bathroom as a surprise

– Give one compliment daily (in person or via email/text)

– Make a habit of greeting and farewelling your spouse every day (preferably with a hug or kiss)

– Be more attentive to your spouse during a conversation

Bear in mind that this is meant to create a positive atmosphere in your marriage on a gradual, daily basis. To make sure you’re doing this regularly, you can use a notepad to keep a running record, or even use a productivity app if you’re savvy with smartphones and the like.

For example, Lift (www.lift.do) is a habit-tracking program that you can access through your web browser or via an app you can install on your mobile device.

Use whatever tools you’re comfortable with so you don’t forget keeping your spouse happy in small, everyday ways.

Speaking of the last habit in the sample list above, truly paying attention to your spouse without cutting them off or judging them is a great way to foster greater emotional closeness.

Often we’re quick to butt in with our two cents’ worth instead of offering a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.

In your eagerness to offer your own opinion, you overlook the importance of listening and taking notice of the detail of what your spouse is sharing.

Sometimes, your spouse just needs a sounding board, someone to listen to their pet peeves or a concern that’s been bothering them lately. It’s really important that you can fill that role.

Remember, “simple” is the operative word. Suddenly going on an out-of-town weekend trip won’t magically bring you closer. Chances are you’ll get on each other’s nerves the whole time instead of enjoying your time together.

It might not sound exciting, but focusing on the ordinary occurrences in your daily lives is the best foundation to keep your relationship healthy. The more you can make those small moments positive and meaningful, the stronger your marriage will be.

I get a lot of consultations from members, and it gives me a vital insight into the state of marriages and where couples are encountering sticking points.

Feelings, the power of them (and sometimes the lack of them) are powerful things, and when we combine these into the fast pace of a modern marriage, it comes as little surprise that things come off the rails!

All too often we get caught up in the details of what hurts us and we forget to love.

I want you to read through the following email from a member and my reply to her:

“I just signed on for the course and wanted to tell you a little about my situation and see what advice you can give me. My husband had an affair a year ago that lasted for about a year and a half. He fell in love with the woman and out of love with me.

He still loves me he says and cares about me but he says he is not happy without her. He has said he will stay because I asked him to but it is not what he wants and he is not happy. Our problem is everything is a catch 22 with us. He expected me to be okay and happy again in time after he left me and our family.

Therefore i expect him to be okay and happy again in time if he stays. Right now the “arrangement” for lack of better word is the he is here he is not happy and is in “mourning” and is not going to do anything to help our marriage at this point. He states that he will forever live with the fact that he wasn’t strong enough and he failed himself because he didn’t leave. He states he will live the rest of his life with her memories.

How do I make my marriage better and how do I make my husband happy? How is it that I make this home and marriage something that my husband wants and is happy with. Our situation is a chrisis but I don’t want to loose my husband and I don’t want to loose my family unit. “

My reply:

Thanks for your email and the work that went into your written submission.

What I can see here is a lot of talk about love and feelings, and very little understanding from either of you what love actually is or what it takes to achieve it.

At the beginning of a relationship or a marriage, it’s easy to love someone. It’s new, exciting, a little exhilarating, and the benefits of that love are quite tangible. However, over time, routine and ritual sets in and it becomes easy to take one another for granted. You stop seeing the special things and start noticing the little things that annoy you. You start to realize that the person you have committed to is not perfect.

If you take a look at Chapter 7 of Book 2, you will see that love is much more than just a word or a feeling. It’s an action. Your husband has stated that he loves you, but that staying with you is not what he wants and he’s not happy.

If your husband has decided to stay, mourning for the other woman is a torturous and unproductive pastime. Your husband is not a matyr, no matter how much he may believe this is so. In making a conscious choice to stay, he also makes a choice to be happy or commit to being some kind of victim.

The problem here is that your husband is neither a matyr nor a victim. Wallowing in self-pity and his memories are fine if he wants to live on his own, but in choosing to come back it’s unfair that he should subject you to such self-indulgent fantasy.

Your husband is not a child. As an adult, he is responsible for his actions and the consequences that arise as a result of those actions. You are not responsible for his happiness any more than you can be held responsible for his affair.

His happiness was not tied to you, nor was it tied to the woman he had the affair with. He fell in love with a misguided notion that another woman found him attractive, though the fact that the relationship has now ended would suggest the notion he had was less romantic than imagined hence why it’s over.

It’s easy to fill your life with “what ifs” and “what could have been”. Each day is filled with a hundred decisions to make, and any one of those decisions can have a profound effect on your life. Instead of focusing on what might have been, it’s safer to focus on what’s right in front of him… YOU.

My challenge to you in affecting change in your marriage is to challenge your husband’s behavior and his victim mentality. Love your husband using the suggestions outlined in Chapter 7 of Book 2, and challenge your husband to do so as well. Without some level of effort, the love is not going to magically come back. It’s not some invisible thing that comes and goes.

Set yourself a goal of finding a way to love him today. It could be a hug. It could be cooking his favorite meal. It could be surprising him with a favorite dessert after dinner. It could be renting a favorite movie and watching it together.

Either way, it needs to start somewhere. Small actions. Small ways of showing him that you love him and care for him. Those actions will be the one thing that sustains your marriage during this uncertain time.

He may not want jump straight back in to being your husband again, but he can be your friend. And you can be his.

Love is something we work on every day of our married lives. Even couples with successful marriages, those who have been married 20, 30, or even 40 years are continually finding new ways to love one another and understand each other on our life’s journey.

Your husband made a choice to come home to you. That’s a start. Now its up to you to challenge him to continue what he started. He has a choice: To either live in love and understand and learn more of what it takes to be married and living in love, or to wallow in self-pity and be a victim.

That’s where you and our course can help. You are being challenged to guide him and show him love. Lead by example. He will either choose to be inspired by you and follow, or he will leave.

Be the best wife you can possibly be. In times of crisis, your leadership is more important than ever before. If both of you sit and wait for the other to make the first move, your marriage is going to suffer.

You are being called to truly love. Lead by example and show him the way to a renewed, more loving marriage.