Author: Amy Waterman

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The 5 key ingredients for a healthy marriage

Part of being so closely connected to someone through the bonds of marriage means that the thoughts, feelings, and dreams of each spouse literally start to become intertwined.

It is inevitable that our own self-views will become affected by how our partners see us, and thus it is possible for our partners to either boost or reduce our feelings of self-worth.

And there is nothing more saddening than to see a great person become less and less self-confident due to being continuously brought down by a cold and diminishing relationship partner.

On the other hand though, there is nothing more inspiring than seeing a couple who always boost each other up and bring out the best in each other.

Which brings us to the key ingredient for a healthy marriage: mutual respect.

One of the most common reasons behind marital conflict and dissatisfaction is when someone is feeling a lack of respect from their spouse. This was shown in a recent survey where over 40% of men felt unappreciated by their significant others or families, and this had a marked impact on their happiness in their relationships.

Showing your respect is a really clear way of communicating your love to your spouse, and enabling them to grow as a person.

For your spouse to feel loved and worthy as a person, they need to feel respected by you.

We all have insecurities, especially when it comes to things such as our appearance, job, and social life. When we feel our partner does not respect us, this can bring all these insecurities to the surface.

And if you are not feeling respected at home, chances are you will struggle to feel respected by others in your life, and things like your work performance may start to take a hit.

By choosing to either show respect or disrespect to your spouse, you have the power to either confirm or deny their inner fears.

You may think that you already do respect your spouse. But be wary that there may be times where you are showing your spouse disrespect without even being aware of it, no matter how much you love them.

And also be aware that this alone could be the main source of tension and conflicts in your marriage.

The hard thing is, your spouse is unlikely to actually tell you outright that what they are feeling is a lack of respect from you. Instead, they may show this in a range of behaviours and emotions, including:

– Withdrawal
– Outbursts of anger
– Stony silence
– Signs of resentment
– Feelings of humiliation and embarrassment
– Crying

Let’s look at how you can consciously avoid disrespecting your spouse, and instead start showing them your respect (and your love) in a big way.

1. Trust your spouse’s judgment

Trusting our spouse’s judgment is a very clear way of showing them our respect.

This is all about affirming your spouse’s views and decisions without questioning or criticising them. This means taking things into perspective and letting the odd thing slide – will it really matter if the way they have suggested is just a little more complicated than your way?

Unfortunately, all too often we tend to question our spouse’s decisions or opinions without even realising we’re doing it. We may think we are being helpful in offering an alternative or asking our spouse to explain their reasoning, but really what we are doing is deflating their ego and filling them with self-doubt.

Always assume that your spouse is doing things for the best reasons, rather than jumping straight to the critique. Remember, we all make mistakes.

How often do you use these (or similar) phrases in your marriage?

“I trust you”
“You’re right”
“That does sound like the best way”

Chances are, we could all do with using these a bit more often with our spouses.

Of course, if you do strongly disagree with a judgment-call of your partner’s, you have every right to voice your opinion and suggest an alternative. Just try and treat their ego as gently as you can while you do this, and make sure it is when the two of you are alone, rather than in front of an audience.

2. Accept and ask for their help and input

A great way of showing your spouse that you respect and value their input is by asking for their help and advice.

Although we often want to get things done by ourselves, it can actually be really nice to have the perspective of someone else every once in a while.

Especially in a relationship when the outcome of decisions often affects both partners, it is important to try not to leap into decisions by yourself. Give your spouse a chance to give you their input.

“Hey babe, I could really use your help on figuring out what I can do about (fill in your problem here). What do you think about it?”

Obviously, some of our day-to-day decisions do not require our spouse’s input. But try making a conscious effort to include your spouse more in your problem-solving and decision-making from now on.

Helping you and being considered will make your spouse feel good, and should really boost feelings of closeness in your relationship.

3. Show your appreciation

“Thank you so much for doing that, honey. I really appreciate it.”

A simple ‘thank you’ can do so much in making your spouse feel worthy and valued. Better yet, it will encourage your spouse to continue to do these things in future.

Of course, there are multiple ways you can show your appreciation. A hug, kiss, or massage will also go a long way in making them feel appreciated.

4. Acknowledge your spouse’s achievements

It is really important to recognise and celebrate our spouses’ achievements, no matter how big or small.
Focus on acknowledging and rewarding the things they have done well, rather than criticising anything they haven’t done.

Saying “I’m proud of you” goes a long way in making your spouse feel special and valued.

5. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS show public respect

People are generally pretty good at picking up on the vibes between a couple in social situations.

Have you ever had the horrible experience of being witness to a married couple where one spouse obviously has complete control over the other, and is making their spouse appear completely weak and helpless by belittling them in front of everyone?

The spouse that is being belittled is bound to find this excruciatingly humiliating, but feels powerless to regain their social standing and self-respect without their spouse starting to show respect for them first.

Please always be aware that there is nothing that will cut your spouse more deeply than being criticised or belittled by you in front of their friends, family, or workmates. Even that light teasing you think is funny might actually feel really humiliating for your spouse – always look out for signs they might be feeling uncomfortable.

If you disagree with anything your spouse does or says in public, they will really appreciate it if you save any constructive criticism for later when you’re alone.

There is nothing that will make your spouse feel more loved than publicly displaying your respect and appreciation for them.

Show your respect by telling others about your spouse’s achievements, or making references to what a great husband/wife/parent they are. Your spouse may try to downplay this or show a little embarrassment, but on the inside you can be sure they will be beaming.

Brooke Ryan

Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Posted on

Make these 8 vows to yourself today

When we get married, we make a lot of promises to our beloved – to ‘love and to cherish, in sickness and in heath, for as long as you both shall live’.

But what promises do we make to ourselves when we get married?

When we go through patches where the day-to-day grind becomes a struggle, and our batteries become burnt out and empty, our general happiness tends to disintegrate – along with the quality of our social interactions.

And as a result, our marriage suffers.

We fall into a trap where all we think about is the negative. All we notice is the negative. Our conversations become more negative. Our self-views become more negative.

We lose the ability to give, because we have nothing to give.

But are we to always rely on our spouses to pick us up when we fall down? Perhaps, if we lived in a Disney-world.

But the reality is, as much as we need our spouse’s support, sometimes we need to take responsibility for restoring our own happiness and wellbeing. Especially when you are going through a difficult time in your marriage.

It’s time to make a change – starting with making some promises to yourself. Promises to accept responsibility for taking care of YOU in your marriage so you will continue to age with confidence and happiness by your spouse’s side.

You deserve to be loved and you deserve to be happy.

Make these 8 marriage vows to yourself today, and start seeing immediate positive changes in your mood, health, and marital satisfaction.

1. I promise to love myself

Right now, you need to start loving yourself. Loving and accepting yourself for all that you are.

Chances are, you have been viewing yourself far too negatively lately. Sure, there may be some areas you want to improve on – we all have these. But if you don’t love who you are as a person, how can you expect your spouse to love you?

It’s time to remind yourself of all of your great qualities and features. Try writing these down, and repeating them to yourself once every day.

Remember, you deserved to be loved and this has to start with you.

2. I promise to be happy

Pay attention to the things that make you happy in life.

When you are in a negative frame of mind, you tend to only notice the negatives, while missing all of the positives that are happening around you.

Try to break this habit by actively making yourself acknowledge and take in the positives. For example, the compliment you received at work, the warm sun outside, the nice text you received from a friend.

Another trick is to force yourself to smile, even if you’re not really feeling like it. Smiling, even if it is not genuine to begin with, will trigger automatic responses in your brain telling you that you are happy – which can actually have a significant impact on your mood.

3. I promise to keep up the things I enjoy

Think back to the person you were when you met your spouse. What were your interests? What made you happy? What made you unique?

Now think about yourself as you are today.

Do you still keep up some of these interests? What do you enjoy doing in your own time? Do you make time for yourself?

A strong marriage is one in which both members understand that their spouse needs to take part in outside interests in order to feel happy and fulfilled.

Outside hobbies will keep you and your spouse fresh in the marriage, fuelling new interest in one another, as well as topics for conversation.

Spending the occasional period of time apart doing what you each enjoy is healthy. It’s good to have some shared interests, but not to become a clone of each other.

If you have given up hobbies during your marriage due to lack of time or other commitments, try to make time for them again. Encourage your spouse to do the same. Giving each other this time is a gift that will be repaid tenfold in your marital satisfaction.

4. I promise to look after my health

One of the biggest signs of self-respect is when someone really takes care of their health.

This involves practices such as going to the doctor regularly for check-ups or concerns, allowing your body to rest when you’re tired or unwell, and choosing to maintain a reasonably healthy diet, to give your body all the essential vitamins and nutrients it needs.

If you’re physically burnt-out, you’re guaranteed to be feeling it mentally and emotionally as well. Get your body in order first, so you have the resources to cope with life’s problems.

5. I promise to maintain a reasonable level of fitness

Regular exercise has so many benefits for your health and wellbeing!

Working up a regular sweat will have significant effects on prolonging your life, improving your mood, reducing stress, speeding up your metabolism, boosting your brain power, increasing your sex drive, building strength and agility, and keeping your body in great shape.

With all of these undeniable benefits, it’s time to ditch the excuses and get out your trainers. There are so many types of exercise and sports to choose from, so go for something you will be able to keep up and enjoy.

6. I promise to work towards the goals I want to achieve

Having goals in life is really important. If we don’t have goals, what are we living for? These don’t have to be anything extreme, like ‘climb Mt Everest’; they could simply be things like ‘be a good parent’ or ‘run a 5K in 6 months time’.

If you don’t have any goals in mind right now, try having a think about what you still want to achieve in your future, and write ideas down as you go. You might be surprised about what you come up with.

The next step is writing a plan of action for these goals, and discussing them over with your spouse and family. It is far easier to achieve goals if you have the support of loved ones.

You can then start putting these plans into action. It may be tough, but keep working at whatever you want to achieve until you get there. It will be well worth it at the finish line!

7. I promise to take pride in my appearance

Do you look in the mirror and like what you see? Are you happy with the way you look?

If you’re not, it’s time to make a few changes – whether it be in the way you are viewing yourself, or in your actual self-presentation.

Remember that physically, none of us are perfect.

We all have aspects of ourselves that are particularly attractive, as well as parts that we wish we could change.

The trick is to accentuate what we do have, rather than try to hide our flaws. Because it is our positive aspects that other people tend to notice.

For example, if you have great legs, don’t hide them beneath baggy sweatpants – get out those shorts or slim-fitting jeans to show them off in the best way possible. And don’t forget about showing that great smile – this instantly boosts attractiveness.

If you feel you have been slacking a little in your self-presentation lately, here are some quick tips for instant positive results:

– Get a haircut (and make sure you keep it regularly washed and maintained).

– Make sure that your clothes fit well, are in good condition, and suit you. It they don’t, it might be time to go shopping. If you need help, take someone with you that will give you their honest opinion on how well the clothes suit you.

– Maintain a high level of personal hygiene. This includes brushing and flossing teeth, showering regularly, and using a good deodorant.

8. I promise to love my family

Sometimes love is involuntary, like the love we have for our children.

Other times loving someone is a choice. You can choose to love your spouse, even when times are tough in your marriage.

You can start rekindling your love for your spouse today in the same way you can re-learn to love yourself. This is by making a conscious effort to take in all of the positive things your spouse is doing and saying, and trying to let some of the negatives go.

Make the choice today to love your family. Give them the gift of your time, love and attention.

But just remember to love yourself first.

If you keep working on YOU, your marriage will stay fresh and vital.

Instead of feeling tired, run down, unfulfilled and unhealthy, you will again become an energetic, confident person who pays attention to the positives. Basically, a person other people want to be around. A person people want to love.

A person your spouse will notice again, if they are needing a bit of a wake-up call to the amazing person they have right beside them.

If you haven’t been receiving the love you deserve from your spouse, this is all the more reason to maintain a strong sense of love and respect for yourself. This will give you the strength to fight for your marriage, while still knowing that you are capable of being independent of your spouse.

Furthermore, if your spouse would also benefit from working on some of these areas, hopefully your commitment to nurturing yourself and pursuing your interests will spark motivation for them to do the same.

Make these vows to yourself today, to restore love within yourself, and your marriage.

Brooke Ryan
Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Posted on

6 ways to keep your marriage healthy

I want you to think of your marriage as being like the human body.

Sometimes we feel healthy and at our peak, sometimes we feel worn down and tired, sometimes we get hurt, and sometimes we get sick.

Sometimes we die.

But every day we are doing our best to keep ourselves alive and healthy, and prevent sickness and pain. Because we want to be able to live our lives to the full.

And how we look after our bodies is not so different to what we need to do to maintain a healthy marriage.
Do YOU want to keep your marriage alive?

Recognising when your marriage is functioning well

There are many things that indicate to us that our bodies are in good condition.

We have energy, we are generally happy and positive about life, and we can do most of the physical things we want to do.

How do you recognise when things are going well in your marriage?

How are you feeling? What are you doing? What are you not doing?

Physically, many indicators may be the same. For example, both having energy and being generally happy and positive about life.

Other indicators may be that you are having a satisfying sex life, you are feeling loved and valued by your spouse, you are spending regular quality time together, and you are able to communicate and solve problems effectively.

All marriages are different, and therefore it’s no use comparing your marriage to others. But it is really important to know how it feels when YOUR marriage is healthy, and to be always be aiming to get back to this point if it gets off track.

Nurturing your marriage

Think of all the things we do to nurture our bodies every day.

We eat food to give us strength, drink water to hydrate, sleep to revitalize, and exercise to maintain our fitness. We will all have many other specific things we do to maintain our appearance and health.

And sometimes in order to do this, we have to make small sacrifices. For example, trading ice cream for an apple as dessert, a night out for a good nights sleep, a sleep in for a workout at the gym.

Other times, we give in to these temptations, and our health suffers as a result.

Just like the body, your marriage needs to be nurtured in order to stay healthy. Except what your marriage needs is to be fed with is love, trust, communication, and commitment.

Like the body, this also sometimes involves making sacrifices.

For example, going to your spouse’s boring work do instead of having a night with your friends, looking after the children so your spouse can get work done, choosing not to buy that thing you really want because you’re saving for a house deposit.

As soon as we stop doing these things to nurture our marriage, our marital health starts to decline.

Looking out for signs of illness

We can usually tell pretty quickly when something is not right with our body.

We might have a sore throat, no energy, a headache, and blocked sinuses. This would be a pretty good indication that we have a cold or flu.

In your marriage, there are also signs that things might be getting unhealthy. It might take a bit longer to pick up on the signs, especially when you’re caught up in day-to-day life, but they are definitely there.

Perhaps you’ve been fighting more than usual lately, have been spending more time apart, and your sex life has declined.

Maybe you just never really feel truly happy these days.

These are all signs of illness in your marriage.

Treating symptoms

When we have a bad cold, we don’t just ignore it and keep going. We give our body what it needs to get better. Throat medicine, lemon and honey drinks, rest, sleep, and Tylenol.

When there are signs of illness in our marriage, we also need to treat these so that we can rebuild the connection with our spouse.

Perhaps you might look at the way you have been fighting lately and decide to actively try to approach issues in a calmer, more positive way, to reduce feelings of negativity and get problems resolved more effectively.

You might organise a babysitting so that you and your spouse can have a night of quality time together, to try and reconnect.

Or you might decide to make sex more of a priority, and try to spice things up a bit add if things have been a bit flat for a while.

Taking sick days

When we are ill, we often need to take time off work to recover.

Just like the body needs rest, you also need the occasional break from your spouse and family to have quality time to yourself. So you can come back refreshed, calmer and with a clearer head.

When we’re tired, stressed and burnt out, are interactions tend to get more negative and we have less control over our emotional reactions.

We’re not superhuman.

Perhaps you really just some time off from family life right now. Try communicating this with your spouse in a positive way, and organise to go away for a day or weekend either alone or with friends, when it suits. Allow your spouse the same opportunity.

Allowing each other this time apart is a special gift which will only bring you closer.

Please note that by suggesting taking time apart, we are not recommending that either you or your spouse move out of your home for an extended period of time.

Even if you are having serious troubles, having one of you move out is only going to reduce the chances of reconciliation. If you want to keep working on your marriage, take a short period of time away, but make it clear that you will be coming home at the end of this.

Making a doctor’s appointment

You’ve tried everything to make the cold go away, but it’s a week down the track and nothing has worked. Your next step is to call the doctor to make an appointment, so that they can help.

The same principle applies to your marriage – you just may be calling a different type of doctor.

If you and your spouse have tried to work through your problems but still seem to be getting nowhere, it’s time to get some outside help.

Counselling will be able to give you a fresh perspective on your marriage issues, and allow you to work through these in a safe and nurturing environment.

Like antibiotics, it may take a while before progress shows. But if you do give it time and effort, counselling will really help your marriage. What is needed her is willingness from both yourself and your spouse to try.

I hope this has helped to give you a fresh perspective on what your marriage needs in order to stay healthy.

Brooke Ryan,
Author
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Posted on

How to begin the reconnection process after an affair

This article follows on from the previous blog post: What to do when your spouse has an affair.

**Please note: this article is intended for couples who wish to rebuild their marriage after an affair has ended. If your spouse is still having an affair, or you are wishing to separate, this article is not the one for you.**

If you’re reading this article, I can assume you’ve made it through the affair, and have decided to give your spouse and your marriage another chance. Good on you. This is not an easy decision to make.

Just remember that this is your decision, and your decision only. Plenty of people may be wanting to give you their two cents about what you should or should not be doing right now. If they do, throw it right back to them. They are not in this marriage. They are not emotionally involved. They have no right.

OK, deep breath. Let’s get straight to it: how to rebuild your marriage so that it can be even stronger than before. This is not going to be easy, I’ll tell you now. But with effort and time, you will get there. Follow these six steps to get back on the path to a happy, healthy marriage.

1. Before reconnecting can begin, your spouse must have ended ALL contact with the ‘other party’.

The first thing that must happen before any reconnecting can start is that your spouse must end ALL contact with the person they had the affair with. There is no way you are going to be able to move on knowing that the two are still in touch – no matter how much your spouse says it’s over.

Ending contact may be difficult, especially if the third person is in close proximity, such as a work colleague or neighbour. However, if your spouse really wants to make things work with you, they will find a way to cease all contact with this person. You should not have to ask twice.

If your spouse tries to tell you that ending contact is not necessary or makes excuses, this is a sign that they are not really over their affair. Don’t put up with this: it’s you or them. Period.

2. In order to heal, you both need to be prepared to accept responsibility for what went wrong in your marriage.

Like I said last week, your spouse’s affair is not your fault. They made this choice and need to accept responsibility for this. But what you both need to be prepared to acknowledge is any ways in which you contributed to your unresolved marital problems. It is time to work through exactly what went wrong in your marriage.

The key to this is that you both need to be willing to talk openly and honestly about your feelings, without any blame being pointed at one another. Accept responsibility for your actions, and explain reasons behind these which your spouse may not have been aware of, without making excuses.

Only once you have talked these problems through in a calm environment can you start moving forward and finding solutions, rather than staying stuck in a blame game which will get you nowhere.

3. From this point on, be completely honest with each other.

From here on, there are no more lies or deceit. As much as the truth can hurt, nothing can hurt you more now than the affair already has. There’s no point building a house on an unstable foundation.

Remember, your spouse wants to rebuild this marriage as well, so take anything they say as constructive feedback which is designed to help strengthen your connection rather than weaken it.

As much as you can yourself, try to frame any comments that could potentially hurt your spouse in the gentlest way possible.

4. Spend as much quality time together as possible, and account for any time apart.

Right now is the time for you and your spouse to be giving each other your undivided attention. Your neglected marriage needs to be fed and nurtured in order to grow, and the best way to achieve this is to spend as much quality time with your spouse as possible.

Cancel any unnecessary appointments or social events, so you can fully devote your free time to working on re-bonding with your spouse.

It is very important that at this time you and your spouse account for any time you have apart. For after learning that your spouse has been cheating behind your back, you may find yourself being very suspicious of their every move when they are away – and rightly so!

It is going to be a struggle learning to trust your spouse again, but keeping each other updated on your whereabouts when you are apart is an active way that will help you to do this.

Again, your spouse should completely understand and respect your need for this.

5. Re-learn how to meet each other’s emotional needs.

After going through this really difficult patch in your marriage, I’m guessing you both have some needs that have been neglected for some time – needs that can only be met through your spouse’s love.

Reconnecting emotionally is going to be hard. Really hard. But the good news is, you’ve made it this far, and it can only go up from here.

The first step is for you and your spouse to let each other know that despite everything that has happened in your relationship, you still love each other.

Think back to your marriage vows.

“I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live”.

Now I know that your vows will have varied from these. But I’m going to go ahead and assume that they shared some of the same messages: to love unconditionally, to support, to respect, and to cherish one another. I’m also sure that on your wedding day, you knew exactly how to love, support, respect and cherish your spouse.

It’s time to relearn how to do this.

One activity you might find helpful is writing down with your spouse all the things you love about each other, and giving these to one another to read. In doing this, you are reminding each other of the strong connection you share, and allowing you to see yourself through their eyes.

Part of reconnecting emotionally is also relearning how to express your love physically. Take this as slow as you need to. Start with a touch on the hand or a hug. It may have been some time since you have felt each other’s touch, and it will take time for you to get comfortable again.

This is all normal, and it will get easier. Don’t give up if it doesn’t feel right straight away.

6. What happened in the past, stays in the past.

You’ve talked everything through as much as possible, expressed and explored all of your feelings, and have come up with ways to move forward. It is now time for you and your spouse to agree to leave it all behind you.

Your spouse is going to have to live with their feelings of guilt about the affair for the rest of their life. But what is really going to hold back your marriage is if you are constantly reminding them of this guilt and using it as a defence for any less-than-positive behaviour of your own.

Punishing your spouse forever is not going to change what happened. It is not going to make you feel better. But what it will do is greatly diminish the quality of your marriage. If you aren’t able to give your spouse a true new beginning, they are not going to be able to grow and make changes for the better.

This goes for any of the other problems which occurred in your marriage before or during the affair. Pour everything out of the box, sort through it, leave behind the broken bits, and place the treasured parts back in with care. It’s time for a fresh start.

I really hope that this guide helps you to regain the love in your marriage. You are taking a very brave step, and I’m sure that with time and nourishment your relationship will again grow strong.

Brooke Ryan, Author
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Posted on

Spouse had an affair? 4 tips for survival.

If you have just found out your spouse has had an affair, it will feel like the bottom is dropping out of your world right now.

You can’t sleep… you feel sick… and you want to get your old life back.

Everything is overwhelming and you have no idea how you’re supposed to react.

But you need good advice and you need to be thinking at your best as soon as possible. The following 5 tips are designed to help you get through this initial stage after the affair.

Although no two experiences are the same, this 5-step guide will be a great help in getting you through this extremely challenging time – with the best interests of yourself and your family at heart.

1. Look after yourself

Finding out your spouse is having an affair is a major shock to the system, no matter how much you may have suspected it.

Physically, mentally and emotionally – you are going to be experiencing some serious turmoil. This is natural.

But right now, it is so important to be putting yourself and your health first. Letting your health go is only going to make it harder for you to cope through this time – your body can’t heal when it is under stress.

This means not demanding too much of yourself right now.

As hard as it is under the circumstances, just focus on keeping up the basics to give your body what it needs: eating adequate and nutritious meals, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly. Try your best to keep up any activities which will allow your mind some temporary relief from dealing with what has happened.

You are likely to be dealing with a whirlwind of emotions, including grief, loss, anger and disbelief. One minute you may be sobbing in an intense cloak of sadness, the next you may be flying off the handle with rage. You may even have moments when you laugh and feel somewhat happy. This is all okay.

Everything you are feeling is normal – be kind to yourself.

2. Hold off on making any big decisions

After experiencing the shock of discovering your spouse’s affair, your body is likely to go into full self-protection mode.

Being in this mode causes your fight or flight system to activate, which may make you feel as if you need to act now. Immediately filing for divorce, confronting your spouse’s lover, leaving town, engaging in risky behaviour, self-harming – these are all examples of extreme actions which could have very serious consequences.

However, as much as you may feel the urge to do any of these things, I urge you to stop. To stop and breathe.

You are in shock and do not have the capacity to think rationally right now. Rather than making any rash decisions, give yourself time to come to terms with what has happened. Believe me – you don’t want to end up with regrets that will make this situation even harder.

Although you may feel like you never want to see your spouse again, let alone be with them, now is not the time to make any major decisions in your relationship. However, know that you will have a say in what happens next.

This affair does not necessarily mean the end of your marriage.

As impossible as it may feel, having time completely apart from your spouse right now is the best option – perhaps for one to two weeks. This will give you both time to recollect and re-gather your feelings. During this time, you may find it very beneficial to write down any questions you wish to ask your spouse, record how you are feeling, and write any thoughts or ideas you have about your marriage and where you want it to go from here.

This means that when you do feel ready to meet with your spouse, you will have had the time to clear your head, gather your strength and think about exactly what you want from your spouse and what you would like to say to them.

3. Seek help and support

An affair is not something you can struggle with alone – you are not superhuman. This is a time to really lean on the support of family and friends, and seek help when you need it. Accepting help does not make you a weak person.

It is important to let your close friends and family members know about your spouse’s affair. This is not about getting back at your spouse, it is about making those close to you understand what you are going through so they can help.

Keeping it inside because you want to protect your spouse or because you feel ashamed is only hurting yourself.

Because although it might not feel like it, life goes on after the affair. Your fridge still needs to be restocked, your children still need to get to school, your house still needs cleaning, your bills still need to be paid. And if you try to do all this while inside you everything is falling apart, soon enough that flimsy exterior is going to crack.

So give others the chance to help. If you don’t feel like cooking, let your friends bring meals over. If you are really struggling to maintain composure in front of your children right now, accept your parent’s offer to have the kids at their house for a week.

Everyone will understand and want to do what they can to support you.

During the time after the affair, you may also wish to seek professional help – this is okay too. Many people seek help from a counsellor or psychologist at times in their lives when they are going through a major life transition or traumatic event.

You do not have to go through this alone.

4. Show self-respect

When the person you love is unfaithful to you, especially if you are taken by this unawares, your first reaction may be to try and win back their love at all costs. But begging for your spouse to come back to you will only convey to them these messages:

That your spouse can treat you however they like.
That you are prepared to be with your spouse at any cost.
That you do not respect yourself.

If you are a doormat, your spouse will not be able to respect you.

No matter how much you may wish to still be with your spouse, they need to realise that what they have done is not acceptable and has serious consequences – they have a long road ahead to earning back your trust and respect. Do not let them get away with their affair scot-free. You deserve better than being treated this way.

There are ways that you and your spouse can start to rebuild your relationship if this is what you want to do. You can see this next week in Part 2: How to begin the reconnection process after an affair. But begging for their love after they have been unfaithful is not going to help you to do this.

5. Accept that this is not your fault

No matter how tough things may have been in your marriage, know that your spouse’s affair is not your fault. Your spouse made the choice to be unfaithful. You are not responsible for their actions.

You both may have had a part to play in any marital problems you were experiencing. I’m sure you will know yourself what these are, and may feel responsible for any ways in which you contributed to these problems. However, experiencing difficulties in your marital relationship does not give reason to be unfaithful. You did not cause your spouse to have an affair.

Stay in touch for Part Two: How to begin the reconnection process after an affair.

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4 Tips For Being A Great Spouse And Parent

Have a think about all of the people who YOU are responsible for caring for. Your children, your spouse, yourself – not to mention other close family members and friends in your life.

Wow. It gets a little overwhelming right?

Juggling all of your different roles in life can be extremely hard. Especially within the family unit, when you are trying to be a good parent AND still maintain intimacy with your spouse. Sometimes we get so caught up in meeting the needs of others that we neglect our own, or feel guilty if we DO manage to get some alone time.

Although it may not always feel like it, you ARE already doing an amazing job. There is no one right method when it comes to parenting and balancing family life!

However, we at SaveMyMarriageToday have done a bit of research into the most common factors which contribute to stress and dysfunction in family relationships. From our findings, we have created four highly important tips to help YOU to maintain a harmonious family environment.

Continue below to find out how you can nurture your children, your marriage AND yourself.

1. Stay on the same page

If you’re a parent reading this article, I probably don’t need to tell you just how much EASIER and more EFFECTIVE it is to parent when you and your spouse are on the same page. This means being consistent with expectations, consequences and boundaries for your children.

Have you ever asked your child not to do something only to hear “But mommy/daddy said I could!” and then had this lead to a full on tantrum? Which has later led on to an argument with your spouse about why he or she had permitted this particular behaviour?

There is nothing more frustrating.

Your child feels confused and upset for being denied, you feel frustrated for having to deal with their tantrum and for your partner’s decision-making, and your partner feels blamed for how they chose to parent. Not a happy picture.

What went wrong? The fact that you didn’t KNOW your spouse had set that expectation with your child, not necessarily what it was they had said.

Don’t worry, this will happen from time to time.

But the best way to prevent this tense situation from happening is to make sure you and your spouse are regularly communicating about your parenting. Discuss how the kids are going, what is working and what isn’t, and agree on any limits you have set. For example, three common culprits of parents giving mixed messages are bedtimes, food treats and TV watching time.

With clearer expectations, your children’s behaviour will become more manageable as they will have a greater understanding of what is acceptable.

It can be hard to continually be on the same page when you and your spouse have busy and conflicting schedules, but even regular 5 minute conversations will really make a difference in running your household more smoothly and creating a tighter family unit.

It will also be great for sparking feelings of closeness in your marital relationship, as you will feel that you are working AS A TEAM rather than against each other.

2. Enjoy the special moments

Parenting is hard work.

Sometimes it seems like a miracle just to get your kids up and ready for school in time. You’re tired, you’re stressed, you’re trying to organise a million things at once. Why can’t they just do what you ask??

You finally get home, take a breath, and immediately feel guilty for all the things you DIDN’T get round to doing with your children that morning. Looking at their latest artwork, helping your daughter finish her puzzle, or shooting some hoops with your son in the driveway.

Sound familiar?

It is all too easy to get caught up in the everyday organisation and chaos of family life. During these times we can tend to focus on the negatives and miss out some of the really special moments with our children.

Every time your child is asking for your attention, they are giving you a chance to connect. One minute of your full attention to take in and praise the picture they drew for you is all it can take to fill their heart with joy.

Whenever you can, make sure you take the opportunity to enjoy these golden moments with your children.
Remember, the greatest gift we can give our children is our time.

Take a moment with your spouse every once and a while to truly take in and appreciate the amazing young people you have helped to nurture and grow. Allow yourself to be awed with all the progress they have made!

Making time to recognize the achievements and love of your children will give you both the resilience and perspective to get through difficult times.

3. Make ‘mom and dad’ time

Feeling disconnected from your spouse in the chaos of family life?

No matter how busy or stressful things get, there are so many little things you can do to let each other know you care. A kiss good morning, a text during the day, or a meal saved after a late night at work.

These small gestures of love do not take a lot of time but are so important in keeping the connection alive when times are tough.

When was the last time you and your spouse had a night without the kids?

Feel like it’s impossible? Make the time – you deserve it.

Pick a date that suits you both and organise a babysitter to look after the kids for the night.

What you do for your special night is up to you, but make sure it is something yourself and your spouse will both enjoy. This may be getting dressed up for a steamy night out dining and dancing, or it could just be a relaxing night in snuggling upon the couch together with a glass of wine.

All that matters is that you have quality time to reconnect and enjoy each other’s company.

4. Make time for yourself

You may be thinking ‘How does taking time for MYSELF help me to be a good spouse and parent?’
Think back to all of those people you listed earlier, who YOU are responsible for caring for.

Sometimes we get so caught up in doing things for our family that we never take time for ourselves. This can cause us to burn out and feel tired and moody, meaning we are not much fun for anyone to be around.

When we take time out for ourselves to focus on our own needs and desires, we are actually helping those around us. This time allows us to relax, wind down, pursue our own interests, and refuel our stores of tolerance and generosity.

When we are satisfied within ourselves, we are able to give so much more to others.
It can be really hard to find time for yourself, especially when you and your spouse are both working, and when your children are younger. But it can work.

Have a conversation with your spouse each week to work out when it will suit for each of you to have ‘me time’. Perhaps you would really like the time to go to a weekly gym class, go shopping, or even just read a book in peace. Having regular breaks from your family life to focus on yourself will allow you and your spouse to maintain a healthy sense of personal fulfilment.

So go for it – make ‘me’ time and don’t feel guilty about it. The positive effects for your family life will speak volumes.

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3 Surefire Secrets To Reignite Passion In Your Marriage

Every morning you are waking up to the same dull feeling.

You and your spouse move like robots through the same old morning routine: shower, get dressed, breakfast, goodbye, out the door. You barely even register their lips on yours as you are already thinking about everything you need to get done that day.

Later, you will both come home exhausted, reheat last nights dinner, argue about the housework and may even have some mechanical sex before you both roll over and pass out.

Is this how your marriage has started to feel?

Unfortunately, all marriages go through patches where the heat has run dry and you’ve become stuck in this void of empty routine. Although these patches are usually a result of the natural change and growth of love over time, they can be very unsettling times which may make you doubt your relationship.

Your partner may feel more like a friend, or even a stranger. A million miles away from the person who used to take your breath away, by the pure amount of desire you saw in their eyes when they looked at you.

The good news is, that as long as you are both committed to your marriage and can work through these hard times, your passion WILL naturally reignite. You will be able to enjoy an even deeper, more soulful bond of love.

However, if you would like to relight the flame and speed up this process, here are three secret ways you can use to get the passion and excitement back in your marriage.

1. Touch

Close your eyes. Lay down on your back.

Imagine being touched by your spouse. Picture their hands roaming over your body, intertwining your fingers, caressing your face, your neck, your lips. Picture their eyes looking at you like they did when you first met. Feel them holding you close, wrapping their arms tightly around you.

Now revel in the fact that they are the ONE PERSON you have chosen to be able to touch and caress you like this.

Are you giving your partner the opportunity to worship and enjoy the mind, soul and body you have chosen to share with them? Are you allowing yourself to fully appreciate their touch?

Although your relationship may not be as steamy as it was when you first started dating, we never lose the need for touch from our spouses. Regular physical contact satisfies our need for belonging and connection, and has really powerful positive effects on our wellbeing. Did you know that hugs from your loved one alone can lower your blood pressure?

If thinking about your partner’s touch left you filled with warmth and desire, think about how you have the power to make them feel exactly this same way. YOU are the one they have chosen to be able to love and touch them intimately. Even in the hardest of times, they WANT your touch. They NEED your touch.

Relight their passion with your touch of love.

If you kiss them goodbye in the morning, be in the kiss. Focus on the feel of their mouth against your own and let it communicate your love. Try surprising them by holding their hand, wrapping your arms around their waist, cuddling them on the couch, offering a massage.

You’ll be amazed by how quickly increasing your day-to-day touching will relight that fire between you, strengthen those bonds of love and connection, and have you rediscovering each other in the bedroom.

2. Try out something new together

When was the last time you tried out something new? Something which challenged you, got your heart racing, made you feel 10 years younger?

A great way to break up routine and spark excitement in your marriage is to try out a new activity with your spouse.

Can you remember the first time you went to a theme park with your spouse? Played a sport together? Tried a new food? Remember those tingles of nervousness and excitement, and how special it felt to be sharing this new experience with someone?

Trying a new activity with your spouse will help you to recreate some of these feelings and see each other in a new light.

This could be joining a sports team together, taking a cooking or massage class, or if you’re feeling more adventurous, why not book in a bungee or skydive! The more adrenaline-provoking the activity is, the more likely it is to spark sexual chemistry between the two of you.

Go on – have a little fun. If it doesn’t turn out to be your thing, at least you will be able to laugh about it together afterwards.

3. Surprise your spouse

When we are going through stale patches in our marriages, we are tired, worn down, frustrated and stuck in a rut of endless routine. Nothing out of the ordinary happens to spark our interest or excitement, and we often end up wondering where the ‘fun’ version of ourselves has gone.

The best way to change this? Spontaneity and surprise.

Imagine if you got home from work one day and your partner was waiting there to open the door for you. You walk in to see a spotless house, and your partner looking the most amazing and dressed up you have seen them in months. They take the work gear out of your hands, look into your eyes and tell you that they are taking you out for a special dinner.

Wow!

Imagine the surprise, the anticipation, all the stress from the day sliding away. How valued and appreciated you would feel.
YOU have the power to make your partner feel like this. YOU are the ONLY ONE who can truly sweep them off their feet and take their breath away.

Even if it is just something small like making your spouse their toast and coffee in the morning, or something more extravagant like the scenario above, surprising your loved one will make them feel incredibly loved and cherished. It can be guaranteed that they will want to make you feel the exact same way.

*** Remember, you can save your marriage, even if it feels like you’re the only one trying. And if you want more tips on how to reignite the passion in your marriage, check out the expert advice at Save My Marriage Today

I really hope you can use these tips to reignite some of the sparks in your marriage. Please feel free to comment and share your own experiences below. I would love to hear your feedback!

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3 ways to challenge negativity in your marriage

Does it feel like all your interactions with your spouse have involved blame and criticism? This is a pattern that many couples can fall in to during their marriage.

At these times it can be easy to start doubting your spouse and feel like you are drifting apart. Emotions of anger, frustration and guilt overshadow those feelings of love and happiness that came so easy at the start.

Unfortunately, what you are in is a negativity trap.

But don’t worry – there ARE ways to break this vicious cycle and rekindle those feelings of closeness and connection in your marriage.

1. Focus on the positive

Sometimes it can be easy to get so stuck thinking about the negative that the positive aspects of our relationships get ignored.

It may seem simple, but behavior therapists have consistently found that positive reinforcement is the most effective way of reducing negative behaviour and increasing the positive. And this is something you can do! Not only with your husband or wife, but also your children.

So how do we do this? It’s simple:

IGNORE any NEGATIVE behavior (unless it is extreme and needs to be addressed).

ACKNOWLEDGE and PRAISE POSITIVE behavior, using rewards such as comments, smiles, praises and compliments.

For example, maybe you and your spouse have been fighting a lot over jobs not being done around the house and blaming each other for not doing these.

This is likely to make each of you feel angry and resent doing the jobs, therefore making the jobs even less likely to get done.

This cycle could be broken by following these steps:

First taking a deep breath and taking a step back from the situation. Think about what you are wanting to achieve:

1. The jobs being completed
2. To have a positive relationship with your spouse

Now the hard part: to try and IGNORE any jobs you feel your partner hasn’t done. If possible, put them at the back of your mind if it’s possible to get by without these things being completed. It may take longer, but allowing a longer timeframe to allow your spouse to get the task completed may replace any need for you to remind them or get angry about it.

If it’s a crucial task that needs to be done urgently, consider how quickly you might do these jobs yourself, versus the time taken to argue and fight about it. Is it a battle worth fighting, or is the discussion better left to another day when feelings are calmer?

Now for the praise. Next time you notice that your spouse has done a job, give them PRAISE and thank them. This will make your spouse feel appreciated and increase the likelihood of them doing this job again in future.

Continue to repeat this process until praise and cooperation become an entrenched behavior.

Although it may feel frustrating to start off with, you will be amazing to see how quickly the negativity in your relationship fades away and you start to reconnect again. The jobs will be done and both of you will start feeling good about yourselves for what you have achieved, rather than feeling guilty about what you haven’t. Not to mention a major sense of relief!

This same process can be used for any type of negative behaviour patterns that are occurring in your relationship.

If the negativity continues, however, this may be a sign that your partner is unwilling to try to improve things in your relationship. If this is the case, it may be time to try a different tactic, or have a serious talk about whether they are committed to your marriage and making a change for the better.

2. Make yourself vulnerable

One way that works really well to break a cycle of negativity is to put yourself out there, show vulnerability and accept some responsibility.

For example, ask your spouse to have time to talk, then start the conversation like this:

“I feel terrible that everything has been so negative between us lately. I know that it takes two to argue and there have been things I’ve been saying and doing that are hurtful and I really want this to stop.

I’m sorry. I love you and this is not how you or I deserve to be treated. I would really like us to move forward from this and start treating each other better again. How do you feel about this?”

Although it is hard to do, by putting yourself out there and admitting that you have played a part in contributing to the negative atmosphere, your spouse should also feel open to admitting their own part in this. It will be a relief for both of you to have talked and got it out in the open.

It will also be reaffirming to know that you still care about each other and want to change things to make the marriage work. However, make sure that your spouse does also acknowledge their part in creating the negative atmosphere as it is essential that you both accept responsibility in order to be able to move on.

3. Get down to the core

Sometimes when we have a large issue in our relationship that is difficult to discuss, we can start taking it out on our spouse in other ways and avoid the big issue. For example, through getting overly irritated at little things they do which usually wouldn’t bother us, like leaving their plate in the sink.

Sound familiar?

This can lead to a lot of negativity, as your spouse feels that they are being unfairly treated and may have no idea of what is really bothering you. Sometimes you may not even really be aware of what the underlying issue is.

So when you are finding yourself getting frustrated with your spouse easily, take some time out to think about what the root of the problem is. What is the underlying theme? Usually once you give yourself some space to think it will become clear.

For example, maybe the real problem is you’ve been feeling like your spouse hasn’t been spending any time with you lately, but you’ve been taking it on them through nagging about their lack of housework rather than talking to them about it.

But once you have identified what the true problem is, the best way to break the negative cycle is to come out and talk about it. You will probably find that your spouse is very open to discussing the problem and is relieved to finally know what is going on.

The key here is to increase your awareness of the negativity in your marriage and to challenge it. The sooner you (and your spouse) are looking for ways to defeat negativity, the greater your chances of enabling love and respect to flourish once again.

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Why Complacency Is Hazardous To Your Marriage

Denial can be dangerous in your relationship. If some part of you knows that you need to address certain issues in your marriage, don’t convince yourself that things will get better on their own without having to do anything.

You aren’t doing any favors for yourself or your spouse by taking an “out of sight, out of mind” approach to your marital problems. If you want a harmonious marriage, there is no getting around the need to take an active role in making things better.

One of the greatest stumbling blocks to a better relationship is being afraid of what might happen when you rattle those skeletons in your closet. However, you have to accept the reality that you will have to bite the bullet, take the plunge and embrace the chaos that comes with fighting for your marriage.

Will you and your spouse get hurt along the way? Most probably, but no relationship evolves without experiencing some growing pains in the process. Sooner or later, you will have to touch on the sore spots in the relationship so that you’ll learn how to stop arguing about the fundamental differences between you and your spouse.

You also have to bear in mind that you still have to take action whether or not your spouse also acknowledges the issues in your marriage. There are always two sides to your relationship, and there’s no excuse for sitting back and doing nothing if you know something’s up.

One of the other concerns you might have is that you’ll be unsuccessful in your attempts to fix things. If you feel this way, don’t hold yourself back with the expectation to get it right on the first try. Problem-solving is a trial and error process – you’ll have your share of hits and misses along the way.

What you should be worried about is what will happen if you choose not to do anything at all. Consider the following:

#1: Inner Turmoil

When you know that there’s something not quite right in your marriage, it plants a seed in your mind that will continue to grow with each passing day. Try as you might to block out the truth in your mind, the reality of your rocky marriage will catch up to you.

The inevitability of it all will put you in a state of unease that gets worse over time. Eventually, your partner will be shocked to suddenly see the stress take its toll on you when they didn’t even know it was building up inside you in the first place.

Do you really want to keep living in denial only to have a meltdown that no one saw coming – including yourself?

#2: Emotional Leakage

Let’s not forget that the misery you’re suppressing in your marriage will spill over into the other areas of your life.

If you choose not to take an active role in improving your marriage, you’ll cultivate a negative outlook on life in general and cause the other areas to suffer, such as the relationships with your family and colleagues.

#3: Escalation

Don’t forget how quickly even the smallest of issues can snowball when you leave them unchecked. If you spot any red flags, acknowledge this and be proactive in addressing them so you don’t have to reverse the damage caused by being complacent about it.

#4: Estrangement

Negative behavioral patterns can develop in any relationship, especially when it involves two people who have made vows to stay together ‘til death do them part. Will you allow your marriage to be dominated by an atmosphere of passive-aggressiveness, or by a mutual attitude of reciprocation?

What you choose to do – or not to do – will determine whether you’ll stick it out in the long run or not. The stress of getting your issues out in the open is far less than keeping quiet and sweeping them under the rug.

Like it or not, those skeletons will come back to haunt you.

Relationships, like people, are always in a state of motion. Either you’re moving forward or backward – what you choose to do every day will determine that direction.

It’s definitely uncomfortable to face these truths, but life is about leaving your comfort zone for the sake of progress. After you’ve taken that first step and begin to move forward, you’ll find that it wasn’t really a comfort zone as much it was as a place of denial, apathy and decay.

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Am I normal? Comparing your marriage to others

As a child or teenager, did you ever picture what your marriage would be like? Did you envision running into your ideal mate at a party, then falling madly in love, like they do in the movies?

Did you imagine you and your partner wallowing in a blissful dream? Did you have visions of walking down the street, hand in hand with your loved one, or perhaps sharing a beautiful sunset by the beach?

Most of us had a naïve, whimsical expectation of what a married relationship should be like. However, when the “magic” of wedded bliss slowly fades away, we’re faced with the reality that marriage isn’t the perfect deal that we once assumed it was.

When we run into conflicts and issues, we’re slowly opened to the fact that a relationship is not always fun and games. For some of us, the frequency good moments in the relationship are overshadowed by bitter disappointment.

Yet, every couple goes through this natural stage of disillusionment. What really matters is how we cope with the tides of change in our marriage. The problem with many couples is that they are unwilling to let go of their unrealistic expectations. When the relationship doesn’t live up to their concept of an ideal marriage, that puts some spouses into a state of denial. The main issue for these couples is that they are trying to force their one-dimensional ideas on a complex matter such as marriage.

When the sour taste of reality becomes unbearable, some resort to comparing their ailing relationships to that of their friends or neighbors. What they don’t realize is that doing so will only create bigger problems for them in the long run. It keeps them occupied with a false idea of perfection, something that no one can ever have.

In spite of the trials and tribulations that your relationship naturally brings, being married is still a special experience that allows you discover the different sides of beauty that your spouse will reveal over the years. You musn’t forget that your marriage is a wonderfully intimate affair that can add so much color and meaning to your life.

Yet, no marriage is ever perfect, so that means that you shouldn’t start comparing your own to someone else’s.

Nothing good will come from holding your unique circumstances to a standard based on the situation of other couples. “Keeping up with the Joneses” is an unhealthy way of judging your relationship. Who says you have to be as “perfect” as others just to feel good about yourself? Any couple has their own issues to struggle with, so it’s better to FOCUS on your own problems rather than obsess about how good other people have it.

The only way to stop comparing what you have with others is to CLARIFY and GROUND your marital expectations in reality. Only then will you be able to stop assuming that everyone else’s marriages are better than yours.

Understand that looking at other people’s relationships with envy is caused by skewed expectation of your own marriage.

Ask yourself: do the things I expect from my marriage (and spouse) seem do-able or impossible? Based on that single question, do an honest evaluation of the standards you hold your relationship to. A sample list of expectations might look something like this:

1. My marriage should be the envy of our friends and family.
2. My spouse should be willing to change who he/she is for my sake.
3. We should never fight about anything; disagreements have no place in our relationship
4. My marriage should be at least as good as ___________.

In writing, this list seems highly impractical or downright unrealistic. Yet, ask yourself if you’re yearning for the impossible in the back of your own mind. Do you unconsciously expect implausible scenarios in your marriage? Are your expectations driving your relationship to the ground?

The best way to discover that is to dig deep down and make a list of your own. Take some time to drag out all those unspoken thoughts in your mind and write them down. Only then can you come face to face with any unrealistic standards.

Better yet, get your spouse involved as well. It wouldn’t be surprising to find out how different your expectations are from his/hers! Getting them out in the open and discussing them NOW does a lot towards realigning your marital goals and clearing up misunderstandings.

Once you’ve made your list, see if you can revise them in a way that is clear, realistic, and feasible. We suggest for you to filter your original expectations through some general guidelines.

First, whatever expectations any of you have should never, in any way, compromise the key elements that support the framework of your marriage. These include trusting each other, respecting one another, making the other’s happiness a must, and so on.

Through this soul-searching activity, you can better tailor your marriage to fit into a realistic context, instead of expecting it to be a flawless relationship devoid of any conflict. There’s nothing wrong with having lofty visions of a wonderful marriage when you were younger.

Those dreams inspired you to be the best person and spouse possible. Now that you’ve had a taste of the challenges of married life, it’s time to make those desires cross over into a more realistic light – and this exercise can help you do that.

But it doesn’t stop there – this is not a one-shot deal where you can get everything squared away in one sitting. We all wish it could work that way, but as everyone knows, change doesn’t happen overnight. Think of this as a gradual process of readjusting BOTH your perceptions of each other and the marriage in general. Breaking the ice today can help pave a path towards a more realistic set of expectations and standards for your relationship.

While you’re at it, focus on the positive aspects of your marriage which may have been buried under your previous expectations. Try to remember what brought you together as a couple in the first place and reminisce on the highlights of your past. Sure, your relationship isn’t spotless, but that doesn’t mean you should take the best parts for granted.

Create opportunities for you to reconnect with each other and rediscover what exactly you LOVE about being together. Think of exercises (like the one above) where you can share things about your partner that turn you on, or some quirky trait that you find endearing.

As a suggestion, each of you can make a list in advance and read it to one another during a date. Imagine how romantic and moving it would be to hear your partner tell the things he/she loves the most about you (and vice-versa) over a candlelit dinner, or perhaps with sunset in full view.

The point is to make an effort to spend private time apart from the kids, work and all other responsibilities which have driven a wedge between you two. Take a time-out and go back to that place where it seemed like time stood still and there were only the two of you in the world.

Recapture that lost feeling so that you don’t forget that what you have is beyond comparison to other relationships. The simple habit of making small reminders to each other (in the form of affection, dates, etc) as well as grounding your expectations in reality both go a long way in keeping you focused on the relationship.

The more focused you are on each other (in terms of positive traits and realistic expectations), the less likely you’ll find yourselves comparing your marriage to others.