Author: Amy Waterman

It’s one of those weird things that society or parents condition into us to believe. Feelings.

• Anger
• Sadness
• Hurt
• Frustration
• Lust
• Love
• Happiness

All of these emotions are considered to be a description of the different emotional states that we are in from time to time as we navigate our way through our daily lives and our marriages. Yet despite us recognizing that these emotions are what we have and that we transfer from one state to another, at some stage in our lives many of us are conditioned to believe that some of these emotions are bad things to have.

Anger, frustration, and hurt are all feelings that we will feel from time to time. It’s part of life, especially when you are mixing with other people and developing interpersonal relationships. If we all agreed with each other all the time it would be a pretty surreal and scary place, like a Disney-esque type of existence. For some of you this might seem like some type of Utopia, but not for me. I recognize that people are raised differently and have different belief systems, and part of the thrill of interpersonal relationships is in sharing common bonds and discussing differences in opinion. This is what makes each of us unique.

But the weird thing is that many people think it is bad to feel frustration, sadness, hurt and anger. It’s not. We have these feelings for a reason, and feeling these emotions makes them valid. It is recognizing that we have a soul, have passions, and have attachments to other people. Having these feelings doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. They teach us something about ourselves and other people.

The point I will make here is that how you choose to express your emotions is what determines if this feeling is healthy or not. Recognizing and validating your feeling is fine. What you choose to do about it will determine if you have a healthy relationship with your feelings or not.

This is the first step to emotional maturity.

Some days I get frustrated. Part of my job at SaveMyMarriageToday.com involves answering submissions from customers with marital problems that they need extra advice with. Some people need an alternative perspective on the issues surrounding their marriage crisis, while others simply need a little push. I get a few with issues so numerous and intertwined, it can be quite confusing identifying what the issues even are!

And then I get submissions from people angry with me because they are looking for a miracle, no effort required cure to their marriage problems. I don’t promise I can save every marriage, and anyone who tells you they can are misleading themselves as well as those around them. What I do promise is that the techniques I use and the knowledge I impart will maximize the chances of turning a crisis around and working back towards recreating the love that once existed in the marriage.

Marriage guidance is not about brainwashing your partner into something they don’t want. And it’s not about manipulating your partner into staying in a marriage so that one person can get their own way. If you are looking for that type of advice your marriage is doomed. Maybe not right away, but eventually the cruel reality of brainwashing and manipulation or gameplaying will win over. Saving marriages is about imparting wisdom at a time when no wisdom exists. Saving marriages is about putting an end to the tit-for-tat nature of game playing that many marriage problems seem to follow. Saving marriages is about making a commitment to wanting things to be different, and wanting to express genuine love for your partner without being hurt. Saving marriages is also about recognizing hurt and healing it as part of the process so that couples are able to move forward.

It is also a lot of hard work. And that’s what sorts out the serious ones from the dreamers. A number of people assume that in buying a book or some counseling from a counselor that they will get some magic fix to the train wreck that is their marriage. This is a childish and misguided expectation, but one that is not all that uncommon. If you want someone else to give you all the answers and do all the work, your marriage is over before you have even started. The commitment has to come from you. The patience and  heartache has to come from you. Counselors and therapists will help facilitate this process, but essentially the work involves you and your partner.

So what do you need to make your marriage counseling work?

• a work ethic
• a commitment to wanting something bettter
• an open mind to alternative perspectives
• a removal of expectations
• a need to take responsibility for your share of the problem
• a commitment to the healing process
• commitment to an outcome
• the belief that the love you feel for your partner makes the pain of healing worth it

I can help couples, and I have heaps of success stories. But if you are looking for the ambulance at the bottom of the marital cliff to clean up the wreckage and make it all better, be prepared for the fact that the ambulance might have already left.

If you have the belief that you can heal your marriage, this belief will create reality. The job of a counselor is to make you aware of the tools you need to create.

Yesterday I spent some time counseling a couple who are working their way through some pretty heavy issues. Infidelity was the main cause, and for this couple, it seemed touch-and-go if they were going to stay together. Up until the time the affair was exposed, the marriage had been going really well, and there was little indication that there was anything wrong. It hadn’t been going on for long, but the fact that it had been going on at all was enough for the wife.

This couple had been married for around 10 years, and did not have any children yet. They had married young, and both were in their late twenties. I asked the husband, the one who had committed adultery, for an explanation of his reasons at the time to start the affair. I was intrigued by his reply.

It wasn’t about someone better looking. It wasn’t about someone younger. It was an opportunity that presented itself, and offered an experience that was a sharp contrast to the perceived monotony of the marital relationship. The person that this man had sex with just happened to offer it at a time when he really felt like the thrill of something different.

And that was it. Something different. The sex wasn’t better, or anything else. The other person offered something and in a moment of haste it was all over. On some level, he said, it felt good to be desired by someone else. It was nice to know someone else found you attractive enough to want to have sex with you.

So are our expectations of marriage realistic? Is monogamy a myth?

It doesn’t have to be. I would be willing to bet that the majority of men who have experienced infidelity and their partner finding out about it would have done things differently the second time. In many cases, I have had men or women tell me that if they had known the destruction and pain that resulted from infidelity, it would have never happened. I would like to think in those cases a lesson was learned, albeit at a very high price.

Other people expressed that their infidelity was a result of their unhappiness in their current marriage and that they were looking for a “connection”. So the idea I took from this was that on some level the affair was justified by the unhappiness felt in the marriage. Is this credible?

The answers to these themes do not come easily, but one key idea comes through in many sessions we do: an affair addresses a need. It can be:

• attention
• the need to be desired
• the need for sex
• a need to be listened to
• escapism from the reality of an unhappy situation
• “the grass is greener” syndrome
• curiosity

Marriage is about more than just the needs of a couple. It is about fulfilling our individual, personal needs as well. Take the time to examine your relationship and whether your common goals are being met. After this, examine your own personal needs and those of your partner. How many of those needs are being met? How many of those needs do you forego in the pursuit of making your partner happy?

A happy marriage is a balance of both the goals of a couple as well as the goals of the individual. Remember this!

Do this exercise with your partner and give your marriage a quick examination. It may save your marriage…

Today is a really cold day. I’m rugged up against the cold wearing a shirt, blazer, and a scarf, the kind of “eurotrash” look that Jude Law pioneered in the movie “Alfie”. Some of my work colleagues looked at me as I walked into the office this morning and remarked that I looked nice and snug. I guess I did.

Anyway, it got me to thinking of how my relationship is, and how snug I felt with my partner. It’s not always easy, much like a cold wind wind can remind you of how much work you have to do to stay warm, there are times in my relationship that I am reminded of how much work I have to do to keep things alive and healthy.

A friend of mine likened the maintenance of a relationship to tending a fire. You have to keep putting the pieces of wood on to keep the flames burning well. I guess it reminds me of the saying “keep the home fires burning”.

And it led me to wonder… do relationships go through seasons in the same manner the weather does, and if so, does the way we live our life have to reflect the season?

I believe so. In the same way you rake leaves in the autumn, shovel snow in the winter, pick daffodils in the spring, and mow the lawns in the summer, the way we maintain our relationship can be a seasonal thing. At the moment I’m nesting. It’s getting cold where I am, and the nights are getting cooler, so when I leave the office at night I hurry to my car and drive home to get the fire lit and the house warm. By the time my partner gets home the house is warm and the aroma of the evening meal wafts through the kitchen. In my efforts to get warm and comfortable, I extend this nurturing and caretaking aspect to my partner, so that I am better able to meet his needs both physically as the weather gets cold, and emotionally as the nights get long.

It is a fact that the weather changes your moods, and in the same way the seasons change, so too should your moods and the way you nurture and maintain your relationship. I have a lot more sex in the spring and summer, both indoors and outdoors, and liken autumn and winter to warm homes and warm beds. There is nothing better than being snug and warm in bed on a cold winter’s night, cuddling your partner.

So following this thought, consider what season you are in, and what you need to do to to make your relationship work. There is a season for spontaneity, a season for nurturing and caretaking, a season for exploring your fantasies and boundaries, and a season for celebrating your togetherness and mutual love for one another. Sure, you will weather a few storms and cloudy days, but the knowledge that better weather is ahead is often enough to maintain your effort and enthusiasm.

Enjoy the season.

A colleague Julie and I were discussing how we spend our spare time the other day, and in the midst of this conversation I came to the realization that the girl I was talking to had very few friends. In times of crisis when she needed someone to turn to, I was her sounding board, offering her gems of wisdom and support.

She told me that she didn’t have many friends after being married for 6 years. Apparently she had quite a few friends before she was married, but they all dropped off over time since she devoted all of her spare time to her partner. At the time, she felt her first priority was her husband, and that her friends would simply have to understand. After a while, friends stopped calling, and she woke up one morning with the realization that she had no really close friends in her life anymore.

How did it get to this?

I asked Julie this question, and initially she didn’t know how to answer. Her husband didn’t have all that many friends, so he only really had her to spend his spare time with, and he expected her to do the same. Her friends were mostly single, so didn’t always feel comfortable spending time around her considering she had a husband now. So the once or twice a week outings to bars stopped, and now she realized she had nobody in the world to turn to other than her husband.

Don’t get me wrong, her husband is a really nice guy, but at times I wondered if he seemed a little possessive, perhaps a little needy, and this neediness I wondered, may have cost her the friends she once had.

It got me to thinking.. When was the last time I did something alone with my friends? One of the things you realize in life is that the friendships and bonds you have with others are due to the time and effort that all of you are prepared to put in. They say the greatest gift you can give is time. I wonder how deep this truth is.

A healthy relationship requires a balance of “we” versus “me” time, and where possible, I encourage relationships with friends outside of the marriage. Part of being married is the realization that before you were married you were an individual. In fact, the individual is what attracted your partner to you in the first place. The individual had a clear sense of identity, knew what they wanted, and was a fun and interesting person to be around. Things change when you enter a relationship or marriage, but it pays to remember the person that your partner fell in love with.

Your friends are the people that will always be there for you, the angels that give you wings when you need a lift. Your friends often know more about you than you would care to think. Keep your friends. Make time for them. Foster your relationships with them. Love them.

The key to a healthy relationship is to love your partner. But your friendships are equally deserving of your time and love.

One of the recurring themes through submissions I receive from clients is the anger couples feel towards each other. Some couples feel pure unadulterated hatred, some feel hurt and have a wish for revenge, and others feel frustration at the state of their marriage. What started as fresh-faced enthusiasm and lust has ended up in frustration, lack of communication, and mutual dislike for the way things are.

I received a submission from a client recently who spoke of her husband’s tantrums when she questioned him on issues he didn’t want to talk about. He would yell and scream and hurl verbal insults at her in an effort to make her leave him alone. This really worried me.

I asked her how she responded to these tantrums, and her reply was that she would take a step back and leave the room. I thought about this for a while, wondering if this was indeed the best course of action. Part of me wondered if leaving the room perpetuated the violence and led her husband to look upon his outbursts as an effective way of ending communication. But the other part of me wondered if she had stayed and confronted her husband’s violence if it would have made a difference. If she didn’t give up and leave the room when he started getting angry, would he see it as an ineffective way to deal with his problems? Or would the anger have escalated to physical violence?

I wish there was an easy answer to this. So she asked me “What would you have done?”

I would have ceased communication and left the room as she did, but later when he calmed down, I would have spoken to him about the violence and insults, and explain how inappropriate it is in a marital environment. When your partner lets violence and anger in, it indicates they have lost control. At this stage, nothing you say is going to make a difference, so your best course of action is to end the conversation and leave the room.

But… there should always be consequences. If you leave the room and say nothing about it later, the message your partner gets is that the angry outburst works, and reinforces the behavior.

Negative behavior has to have negative consequences if you are going to combat anger and break the cycle of violence. My answer to this subscribers situation was to choose a moment later and make your thoughts about the appropriateness of their outburst very clear. It is important that you assert yourself and identify what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior.

So next time you are in a situation where anger rears its ugly head, you need to consider your response to it, and your most effective way to combat anger and break the cycle.

Choose your battles, and be sure it is at an appropriate time and place.

It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. My partner told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I lashed back in defense. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of aftershave. But to me, it represented something much deeper, that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be. Worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don’t know the first place to begin searching.

Aftershave, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my partner when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? “You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better”

I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I’m very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment. I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to “organize yourself better” really hurt.

I don’t expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that “I don’t expect you to cook my dinner every night” was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.

So where to from here? My partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas I felt guilty if it wasn’t perfect. It was never about me trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. I need for my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions. It is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.

When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn’t hurt so much if I didn’t feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

A good lesson to learn, even for the experts…

It’s my partner’s birthday tomorrow, and I have been driving myself mad trying to find the perfect present that is going to show them how much love I feel. It’s not easy!

I am still in the stage in my relationship where we buy each other flowers from time to time, and send texts to each other during the day with brief pick-me-ups and affirmations of love for each other. It’s a really great thing, especially when your partner gets home and you see the look on their face as they see dinner on the table, candles lit, and flowers laying strategically across the perfectly made bed. I never get tired of seeing that, and that brief moment of almost childlike surprise and the smile that accompanies it makes all of the effort worthwhile.

How often do I hear of married couples making the same effort for their partner? Not all that often I’m afraid. When I tell my girl friends what I  have been planning or what I have done for my beloved, they roll their eyes, chuckle, and say “Gosh, I can’t remember the last time my partner did that! Can you teach my partner how to do it?”

I laugh. You don’t need to be taught how to be creative or romantic. One person’s idea of romantic can be very different to another’s. It could be a cooked dinner by candlelight, or it could be as simple as a loving note in your partner’s lunchbox. It might be a bunch of garden flowers. It could even be something as delightful as a caress or a look when you feel your partner really needs it. An acquaintance of mine told me the ultimate gesture for her is when her husband makes her a cup of tea and a biscuit and brings it to her on a tray.

It doesn’t need to be grand. It doesn’t need to be expensive. It just has to come from the heart.

So next time you are feeling exasperated with your husband or wife, think of the last time you did something romantic. Think of the last time you connected with your partner and affirmed your love for them. Sometimes it is too easy to point out the bad things and look past the need for compliments and assurance.

Love is a doing word. So go out and love your partner.

P.S. So what did I get my partner in the end? A weekend retreat at an alpine thermal resort, complete with sauna, spa, and massage. Looking forward to it!

Contrary to the belief that after you have the ring on your finger, life as a married couple is not always “happily ever after”. This is especially true when I read an article about couples that spend extended periods of time away from each other, often separated by more than just a few miles. What I’m referring to is couples who write to me who have been apart for months at a time, in some cases over a year, while their partner is in an overseas country.

What leads couples to endure this type of relationship, and the question I often ask myself is: Are the benefits worth the cost of their absence?

Army widows, immigrant couples, couples struggling to get over the poverty line, young couples chasing the dream, corporates, all of these couples endure the hardship of long distance relationships in pursuit of their goals or dreams. For some, it’s not a choice. For others, its a sacrifice to be made so that they may be together and happy later.

But in doing so, it leads me to wonder… How do those that have the choice do it? What kind of goals require such a hefty sacrifice, and considering the pitfalls and risks that long distance presents to relationships, is the sacrifice worth it?

Are couples who do this year in and year out (and trust me, I know of some couples who have been doing this for 2-5 years) actually married, or are they only married in name, and going through the motions?

I personally couldn’t do it. I’m a people person, and the ones I love need to be near me where I can lavish my love and affection upon them and receive the same in return. I don’t think this makes me a needy person, it is just the way I am programmed.

So is the sacrifice of absent partners about the money? For some it is. The constant struggle to live above the poverty line means long-distance is a necessity to have the things in life for their children. For others, the sacrifice of a couple of years is worth the benefit of a better home and standard of living in the many years ahead. For others again, its a new start in a new world, paving the way for a wife and family to join them in a new life and chance of prosperity.

Whatever the reasons, chasing the dream has its fair share of pitfalls, and for many couples it brings its fair share of nightmares. Infidelity, loneliness, growing apart, change of goals all can lead to a breakdown of what the two of you once held so dear.

If you had the benefit of knowing how hard it was really going to be, would you have still taken the risk? How high a sacrifice are you prepared to make today in pursuit of a better tomorrow?

I recently read an article in my local newspaper about Dr Laura, a blonde conservative radio host and agony aunt who at one time had the second most popular radio show in America. Apparently her particular brand of moral philosophy on parenting, families, and topical societal issues has caused quite a following. Equally however, her forthright views have polarized Americans, and her views on homosexuality, euthanasia, single moms and abstinence are likely to engage her followers in rigorous debate.

In this article it outlined the tragedy of her mother’s death, in which 77-year-old Yolanda Schlessinger had died in her apartment and remained undiscovered for about four months. It led me to wonder how such a role model of motherhood can offer advice to 12 million listeners while her own mother lay rotting in her apartment, alone and unnoticed with unpaid bills and mail piling up in her postbox.

Doctor Laura seemed shocked at her mother’s death, but certainly not sad. In fact, she was quoted as saying “Apparently she had no friends and none of her neighbors were close, so nobody even noticed! How sad.” Worse still was her comment that “My mother caused me pain even after death!”.

It amazed me. A person with such radical views had such a strong following… And why is that? Because listeners find people like her interesting. It doesn’t necessarily follow that all of her listeners agree with her, and those people against her are certainly vocal. But despite the fact that she is as delicate as barbed wire and imparts judgement without fear, what she has to say certainly gets heard. Love her or hate her, controversy brings attention. 

Her radio show imparts advice to mothers and families with a moralistic and religious flavor, something quite different to the life that Dr Laura leads. Her answer to that? “Do what I say, not what I did.”

Needless to say, Dr Laura had a difficult childhood in which the tension and hostility had its affect. Unsurprisingly, she advocates excommunication as an effective way to neutralize parents and overcome family conflicts. It seems this is the one area of her preaching that she did live out in person.

So where to from here for Dr Laura?

Well it seems her popularity is starting to wane. Her television show was cancelled after her anti-homosexual comments sparked protests by gay-rights groups, and her presence on the airwaves is in decline as well: only 200 radio shows carry her show compared to 450 at the peak of her popularity.

So it seems her time has passed, and why is that?

• Perhaps it is because the hypocrisy of her message and the way she has lived her life has become more apparent. Dr Laura is onto her second husband, has abandoned her Orthodox Judaism, and has suffered the embarassment of the naked pictures of her that appeared online. 
• Perhaps the manner in which her mother died struck a chord with rational thinkers. Excommunicating a parent shows a lack of emotional maturity and conflicts with one’s ability to deal with what life offers them, no matter how hard it is.
• Perhaps it is because her 5 minutes of fame has gone. Or, more interestingly, because the anti-single moms, homosexuals, divorce, and daycare message she preaches is out of tune with where society is right now. Sure, her message will hit home with some people, but divorce, single parenthood, daycare, and homosexuality are not always choices.

Sometimes it is just life. Divorce even happens to nice people, as does the reality of single parenthood and the need to put children in daycare so that you are able to live above the poverty line. The choices people make are not always the easiest, but they do so in order to do the best by their partners or their children. It is far too easy for others to judge single moms when they themselves are on their second marriage. Equally, homosexuality is not a choice.

Sure, Dr Laura has her way of thinking, but perhaps lessons can be learned. The difference between a cultural phenomenon and a 5 minute wonder is the strength of their message, not how loud they say it. It seems Dr Laura’s message has brought her wealth, but she still remains unhappy and sadly, insecure. The poster girl for traditional moral values and family is a far cry from the boastful insecure woman that appeared in the interview I read.

The greatest message can come from someone who is able to live by the principles they teach, and to provide their listeners and followers with more than a message. To be able to inspire others by principles and by works is the mark of a truly inspirational leader. Perhaps it is a message that lasts as well.