Author: Amy Waterman

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3 Ways To Have Better Conversations With Your Spouse

Keeping your relationship healthy takes a lot of work. But referring to it as “work” sure takes the fun out of being married, doesn’t it?

That’s the thing that couples unconsciously do amidst the business of keeping their marriages afloat. You became a couple to enjoy each other’s company, and when the responsibilities of married life come rolling in, the relationship feels like an endless series of boring chores.

Marriage doesn’t have to feel like work all the time; as a couple, you owe it to yourself to remember the pleasure of enjoying the little things.

Take your daily conversations for instance. When was the last time you had a pleasant chat that wasn’t about the kids, your bills or the errands you have to run?

If you’re having a hard time answering that, there are a few things you can do to make your conversations a way to make your marriage more pleasant on a daily basis:

#1: Don’t Talk About Your Problems

Remember when I just asked about the last time you talked to your spouse about something other than your marital duties? This is actually the first rule of pleasant conversation!

When you’re at a party with your co-workers, talking about work is probably not a great way to keep everyone in a festive mood. Instead, you’d probably feel bummed out and stressed.

The same should apply to your marriage. You signed up for better or worse, but it doesn’t mean ALL of your conversations have to revolve around the mountain of stuff you need to get done.

Everyone needs a break, so take the initiative to set aside a certain time of the day to use that release valve and talk about something that you do like. It can be the simplest of things, like the funny joke your boss cracked at the board meeting or that silly cat video you saw on YouTube.

#2: “There, threre”

Ok, so maybe your spouse will feel like talking about things that are stressing him or her out (to blow off steam) and you feel like offering some helpful guidance on what to do about it.

Here’s a tip: Don’t.

As much as you might want to play counselor at this time, it would be better to hang back and let your spouse do the talking instead of coming up with a solution. If you really want to help, try to identify what he or she is feeling and mirror it back to your spouse.

For example, you can tell your spouse, “Geez, that sucks!” or “I’d probably throw a fit if that were me!”

It’s actually more important to lend a sympathetic ear and make your partner feel you’re in their corner. This is the best time to enforce that valuable sense of “we-ness” with something as basic as “I can’t believe what a jerk your co-worker is!”

#3: “And Then What Did You Do??”

Who says all gifts come with a price tag? Your undivided attention is one of the best things you can give to your spouse to make them feel special.

Expressing a real sense of interest in their life is very beneficial to your marriage as it validates your partner’s feelings. Chances are, your partner will have strong emotions attached to their anecdotes, so keeping your ears peeled and asking follow up questions is like saying, “I get you.”

Sometimes, the basic courtesy of being a good listener is one of the simplest yet overlooked tricks to a great conversation with your spouse.

We’ve mentioned in the past that stress can accumulate in a marriage. Although we need to take the edge off marital difficulties by taking care of ourselves, your daily conversations can serve to de-stress you on a shared level.

Making a conscious effort to tweak your conversational style can surprisingly go a long way in doing that. In time, you’ll develop the daily ritual of chatting your stress away at the day’s end!

How do you make your conversations with your spouse more pleasant?  Let us know in the comments!

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Four Steps To Building More Love In Your Marriage

As we’ve talked about in the past, being “in love” is the passionate feelings of infatuation that couples experience during the early years of their marriage. However, these intense emotions are meant to wane over the months and years.

As your relationship evolves, there will be periods of conflict with your spouse characterized by emotional chaos, disillusionment and ultimately, acceptance. In time, your marriage will go beyond fleeting moments of passion and move on to a more stable, deeper sense of loving.

With that, I’d like to offer ways to help your marriage move smoothly throughout the different phases of its evolution:

#1: Put Your Love Into Action

Verbally affirming your spouse is important, but the other half of showing your love is based on tangible things that they can see.

Like we said, being “in love” is temporary.  To help your love evolve to its deeper stages, showing it through actions is important – especially when you DON’T feel like doing it.

Yes, there will be times when the passionate feelings will be absent (usually after the “reality check” stage kicks in), and just because you may not be in the mood, it doesn’t mean you should stop doing things for your partner.

Think about the other areas of your life. If you only showed up at work or gave your best only when you felt like it, chances are you wouldn’t stay hired for long.

Emotions are fleeting, but your life-long commitment to loving your spouse shouldn’t be.

#2: Keep In Touch

When it comes to staying close, talking with your spouse more frequently is only the first step. Truly effective marital communication involves two other components.

First, expect that you won’t agree with everything your spouse will say. Whether it’s politics, religion, philosophy on life, raising the kids, or your preferred brand of toothpaste, it’s vital to always maintain respect for each other’s opinions.

The combination of events in your life is different from your partner’s, so each of you will have unique filters which affect the way you see the world.

The other aspect of effective communication is your ability to truly listen to your spouse. Sometimes, we get so caught up with wanting to being heard by our partner that we end up tuning them out.

Among the many couples we’ve helped over the years, we’ve noticed that being unacknowledged and a lacking sense of validation are MAJOR sources of negative feelings in a marriage.

If you want to love your spouse, make the effort to really listen AND empathize with them. Pay attention to both their words AND actions to get a clear picture of where they’re coming from – this is your best weapon against potentially damaging misunderstandings!

#3: It’s about BOTH of YOU

Before you got married, you probably had a clear idea of the direction you wanted your life to take. Now that you’re sharing your life with someone else, have you updated your vision to include your partner?

Many people forget that getting married means combining their individual plans into a SHARED one. How can you move forward as a couple if you can’t agree on the direction of your marriage?

It’s a given that you’ll clash over your values when you begin asserting your respective personalities in the relationship.

But that’s not the point – it’s every couple’s responsibility to GET PAST these fundamental differences.

Goal-setting is a very crucial foundation in any healthy relationship; be prepared to talk about the basic objectives of your marriage as early as possible.

(Incidentally, our Save My Marriage Today book has a lot of couple exercises, including goal-setting!)

Also, don’t forget to devote quality time for each other and make daily gestures of love to remind yourselves that your marriage is more important than the differences you need to resolve.

#4: But It’s also about YOU

At the same time however, you need to retain your individuality. To make your marriage last, you also have to hold on to the traits which make you unique from your partner.

He or she liked you for who you are, so it’s important to keep those wonderful qualities alive in you. Besides, things would get pretty boring if you only liked and did the same things as your spouse.

To preserve your unique qualities, find time to maintain your personal interests. While it’s good to keep your marriage as the top priority, part of a lasting relationship is having the space to do your own thing from time to time.

Being married may not be a paying job, but it takes hard work to make it work!

Take time to indulge in your hobbies and other extra-curricular activities such as volunteer work, video games, books, movies or sports. Whatever appeals to you, attending to them gives you a chance to let off some steam and keep you refreshed.

As you do this, don’t forget to support your spouse in their own activities. They need a chance to regain their bearings just as much as you do.

Here’s another tip – being happy as an individual also means working out any personal hang-ups. Everyone has them, so there’s nothing wrong with working on your emotional and spiritual development.

There are different self-improvement books and classes which will best suit your needs. Take the time to look into them to prevent your personal issues from affecting your marriage.

By being the best version of yourself, you can fulfill your role as your partner’s better half.

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What To Do If You’ve Hurt Your Spouse

When you look back to the moments that you hurt your partner, it’s common to wish that you could go back in time and do things differently. Sadly, what’s done is done; both of you need to live with the consequences.

We’re only human, and it’s in our nature to make mistakes. But how to do you rectify the hurtful actions in order to heal the pain?

Start With Yourself

As difficult as it sounds, you need to forgive yourself first. Otherwise, you’re going dwell on the past (which you can’t change) instead of taking the steps towards reconciliation.

You need to remember that everyone makes bad decisions; if you had another chance to do it again, you wouldn’t have hurt your partner. But there’s no point in mulling over that now.

Would you rather stay miserable and refuse to move forward?

Or acknowledge what happened and learn from it instead?

The choice is simple. The sooner you choose to be constructive, the quicker you can take the next step: taking responsibility.

Learning From The Past

As I like to tell my clients, it takes two to tango. In any given marriage, each spouse is responsible for taking care of the relationship.

So, you need to look within and understand your own role in the relationship. Although I said earlier that you shouldn’t punish yourself for your mistakes, you also have to take an objective look at how your past actions have shaped the current state of your marriage.

This is not about blaming yourself or your partner, but rather gathering useful insights from what has happened:

– What do your mistakes say about your limits as a person?

– How can you overcome these limits?

– What are the core issues in your marriage that drove you to make those judgment errors?

– Do you have personal issues which have been inadvertently brought into the marriage? If so, how has this impacted your relationship with your spouse?

– What measures can you take to work on your issues and help you become a better spouse?

The last question is especially important. By acknowledging your weaknesses and committing to work on them, you are taking a pro-active approach to fixing the damage that has been wrought.

Counseling, along with self-help courses and reading material, are examples of ways you can make a long-term change in your behavior. These are very concrete ways to tell your spouse that you’re truly repentant and want to make things right.

This also shows that you are a person of action, and not just words. The problem with some partners is that they resort to making short-sighted promises to change for the better.

Rushing to make everything right without any forethought will only aggravate the situation.  It doesn’t show a genuine desire to fix your marital issues for good. All it does is overlook the REAL reasons why your marriage is troubled.

Restoring The Connection

As you work on yourself, remain loving towards your spouse. Think of little ways you can express your love, like making their favorite snack or sending them a short email during the day.

Words of kindness will also help reaffirm your place in your partner’s heart. When the opportunity arises, be generous with your praise, appreciation and gratitude.

Try to remember the kinds of activities you enjoyed when you first started dating. Think of things you can together, like going to a concert, watching funny movies, or having a picnic by the lake.

Act without expecting your spouse to reciprocate your actions. Loving someone sometimes means doing so even if that person may not be ready to return the favor.

Give it time for your gestures to sink in. Don’t pressure your partner into loving you once more and give without expecting anything back.

Focus on being as positive and non-needy as you can be, so that you’ll be much more pleasant to be around.

Feelings come and go, so don’t let your partner’s withdrawal discourage you. Taking the right steps will restore the balance of your relationship’s love bank.

Eventually, an estranged spouse will learn to accept the past and open their heart to the friendship that you offer.

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Four Reasons Why Money Doesn’t Have To Ruin Your Marriage

We touched on the role of money in marriage in the past, but today we’ll be taking a closer look into the matter. It’s no secret that a lot of couples have been split apart because of money problems.

The very act of mulling over a lack of finances is a source of great tension in a marriage. Left unchecked, arguments about money will feed on themselves and worse, create a generally negative sentiment in your relationship.

But like other marital issues, this can be properly managed. Money doesn’t have to a reason for contempt in your marriage, and here’s why:

#1: You Got Each Other’s Back

Generally speaking, teamwork is the best approach to many types of problems. However, having a common mindset will greatly impact any team’s problem-solving process.

For married couples, this feeling of “we-ness” is especially important when tackling financial issues. Otherwise, a couple will find it next to impossible to come up with a solution if they’re not on the same page.

Like any other couple, you and your spouse are different people.  These differences resonate in key areas of your marriage, especially when it comes to managing money in the family.

You can’t do anything about the fact you and your spouse grew up under different circumstances, causing you to have varying – or even clashing – perspectives on money.

What does money mean to you? How much or little of it was there to go around in your family while growing up? How about your spouse?

Your differences aren’t a threat – NOT being aware of them is. Addressing these questions today may feel uncomfortable today, but it will help you work towards a common vision with your spouse tomorrow.

Chris, a graphic designer from Maine, told us about his difficulties living with his in-laws. “I grew up in a family where we were taught to be independent at an early age…especially in the financial sense,” he explains.

Since he was twelve, Chris has been earning has always been on finding work, such as part-time or summer jobs to support himself to a certain extent. “That’s why I found it a bit emasculating to live with my wife’s family since she often asked for their help even if we could manage on our own,” he says.

To address this issue, Chris gently brought up discussions with his wife regarding their respective thoughts on money.

He shares, “During our moments alone, I casually asked my wife about her experiences with money while growing up. We’ve been married for two years now…looking back, we should have talked about this much sooner.”

When Chris’ wife told him that she has a more relaxed attitude towards money, it confirmed his hunches and allowed him to share his own values with her. “Eventually, we moved to our own place after I helped her understand why it was important for me to live apart from them.”

Chris confesses that it’s taking them a while to get used to living on their own, but he’s confident things will pick up soon.

Chris confesses that living on their own has been challenging, but now that they’ve had a chance to come up with a solid financial plan, he’s confident that things will pick up for them soon.

“I’m slightly annoyed that my wife still occasionally asks for her family’s help, but it’s much better than it was before,” he says with a smile.

Empathizing with each other’s viewpoints is a successful basis for any sort of teamwork. It may be difficult at first to accept your differences, but the sooner you talk about them, the better you can work around them and move on.

(For more help on this, read about the importance of the willingness to be influenced.)

# 2: Don’t Sweat It, You’ve Made It This Far

Perception is a powerful thing, and the way you see marital problems greatly affects the way you handle them.  You’ve braved other storms together, so issues about money will come to pass as well.

Don’t let the wind get knocked out of your sails; keep moving forward by focusing on a plan, and not your emotions.

For instance, what are your general goals as a couple? Is it to save for a house by next year? Do you plan to eliminate that nagging credit card debt? Are you saving up for your children’s college fund?

Once you’ve gone over your basic objectives, you’ll be able to create smaller goals which will help you move in the direction you want to take.

We know a lot of couples who sort out their clutter as one of their sub-goals so they can sell things they no longer need. Even better, they’re ridding themselves of the rubbish that’s only taking up precious floor space at home.

You’ll be surprised by how much you can earn from a garage sale! Plus, living in a cleaner house does wonders for your peace of mind and reduces money-related tensions.

Here’s another idea: put numbers on the board (such as your monthly budget) to get a clearer picture of how much you have to work with.

This will help you create specific sub-goals which will take you closer to your general objectives.  This includes putting “wants” on hold (e.g. eating out, splurging on luxury items) and committing to save a certain amount every month.

Some couples might need help streamlining their budget, so it wouldn’t hurt to enlist the help of a financial adviser. He or she can give you a different perspective on how to cut the fat, suggest other approaches you might have overlooked and develop a realistic strategy you can follow.

#3: You Can Look For Alternatives

Speaking of other approaches, perhaps you and your spouse have other marketable skills that you haven’t tapped yet. Browsing the web will help you come across opportunities to earn on the side.

For example, some people make money through affiliate marketing, which is selling other people’s products and earning commission from sales. Sites like afilorama.com and amazon.com will help you get started on how to make money online.

On the other hand, the internet can also help you discover a profitable niche where your interests can be turned into a part-time career, such as writing and singing.

#4: Every Threat Presents An Opportunity

If anything, let your financial challenges be a test of your strength as a couple. Though you might have to cut a few corners here and there for now, it’s important not to lose sight of the bond that you share with your partner.

Work from a perspective that treats problems as a chance to grow rather than an end-of-the-world event. In fact, this trying time could be the proverbial silver lining.

For instance, a financial crisis is a chance for you to improve your communication skills and reconcile your opinions about money (see #1).

What’s more, financial issues in a marriage don’t exist in vacuum. Are you really arguing about money, or are there deeper issues beneath the surface?

It’s possible that money could just be aggravating other existing problems in your marriage. If so, then tackling your financial challenges will help you identify and address these underlying problems as well – another hidden benefit for you!

Here’s something to remember: You may not have total control over the external circumstances surrounding your marriage (e.g. a bad economy, getting downsized, unexpected financial emergencies), but you can control your reactions to them.

With the right approach, any type of marital issue – especially money-related ones – doesn’t have to bring you apart.

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A 5-Step Plan to Deal With Anger

Everyone knows what it’s like to be wronged in some way, be it by a person or situation. Anger is the natural response because this emotion pushes us into “fight mode” when we’re faced with threats.

To a certain extent, anger is actually a helpful defense mechanism that keeps us safe. However, poorly managed anger can endanger your health, relationships and the quality of your life in general.

If you’re having trouble getting your anger under control because of issues in your marriage (or due to other factors), here are some ways you can start dealing with it today:

#1: Anger Is Not The Only Solution

In fact, anger at its rawest (i.e. most destructive and hateful) is NOT a solution at all.

In reality, there are OTHER ways to act on your emotions. During a heated argument with your spouse, you could jump the gun and say, “I’m so sick of putting up with your crap!”

Or, you can say, “You know what? I’m pissed that we’re not on the same page, so I think I need a break.”

Both of these address your anger, but which is a better path to take?

Lashing out won’t help you calm down. On the contrary, studies have shown that anger actually grows exponentially the longer you go down that path.

Your blood pressure will spike, your heart feels like a freight train, and you’ll be at greater risk of coronary heart disease.

Worse, you’ll alienate other people around you. Do you really want leave others feeling terrible, lose respect for you and avoid being around you?

The benefits of releasing anger destructively are only temporary. Though it may feel good for a little while to get it off your chest, but once the dust settles, the long-lasting effects are hardly worth it.

Dr. John Gottman, the author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, tells couples that venting anger has no cathartic effect. The more you destructively express your anger, the more you MAGNIFY it.

#2: Turn your anger Into Something Positive

So if you have to get mad, do it for a good reason. Be angry because you want resolve the issue concerning your spouse, and not to hurt him or her.

Author and TV show host Dr. Phil says that the one way he can tell if a couple is going to stay together or not is by the way they handle their conflicts. If a couple argues not to get their points across and simply to hurt each other, then this attitude will only lead to divorce.

However, if you choose to have something good to come out of your anger, then you will not have wasted all that energy for nothing.

If anything, let the expression of your anger be a constructive experience for both of you.

But how do you go about doing that?

#3: Attack The Issues and NOT Your Spouse

Like we discussed, hurting your spouse out of anger is not a constructive approach. Instead, take out your frustration on the problems arising from what your spouse said or did.

A good way to deal with your anger is by framing your statements in a way that addresses the situation as a whole. Obviously, your spouse’s actions have a lot to do with the situation in the first place.

Mindy, a client of ours, shared with us her way of expressing her anger. She says, “When my husband forgot yet again to pick up the groceries every Wednesday like we agreed upon, I resisted the temptation to accuse him of being insensitive.”

To address the issue, she told her husband:

“You know, I find it frustrating when you forget to pick the groceries because I sent you an email and text message at lunch time and you still forgot. I know you have a lot to think about, but it stresses me out when we don’t have the stuff we need for me to make dinner. Then we’ll both be affected because we have to spend for take-out when you know that our budget is tight right now. It would really take a load off my mind if you made an effort to remember to pick up the groceries like talked about before.”

This was an excellent way for Mindy to frame her anger because:

– She talked about the problem from the “big picture” perspective to avoid belittling her husband.

– She made it clear that this was THEIR problem and didn’t attribute it to something that was wrong with HIM (i.e. a character defect).

– She ended her constructive rant by offering a solution to the problem (“I would love it if you…”).

#4: Keep It Clean

When you get upset, have you ever wanted to use colorful language? If so, then welcome to the human race.

Although it’s perfectly natural to want to swear at someone who’s provoked you, it doesn’t mean that you actually should. Curse words don’t serve any other purpose than to hurt someone or (a big no-no, see #3) provoke an aggressive response.

The next time you feel like using foul language, keep in mind that it’s TOXIC to the soul and brings nothing good to the table. At best, it will only perpetuate a cycle of attacking and retaliation.

Rather than label the other person (e.g. “You’re stupid!”), label your feelings. Here are a few examples:

“I’m angry because…”

“It really ticks me off that…”

“I’m bothered when you…”

You wouldn’t want the other person to hurl four-letter words at you. You don’t have to use obscenities for the other person to acknowledge your anger.

#5: Take a Break!

Who says you have to stay in a stressful situation? Everybody has their limits, and you don’t have to force yourself to carry on even when you’re already at your wit’s end.

Office workers need breaks in between the day because being productive doesn’t keep going at it until you snap.  Your patience works the same way.

Give yourself a breather – go for a walk, meditate for a while, or put on some soothing music if you feel overwhelmed. Some people like to sit in a quiet spot, close their eyes and think of something pleasant.

For instance, imagine you’re at a concert featuring your favorite band. Imagine the sights, sounds and emotions of being in a happy place.

Whatever your preference is, detach yourself from the situation for a little while to gain some peace of mind. It may feel a bit weird at first, but getting into this habit will help disrupt the cycle of anger and keep your emotions from escalating.

By nature, emotions are hard to control. But there’s nothing wrong with having feelings of anger because we wouldn’t be human otherwise.

With the right habits however, you can teach yourself how to avoid hurting others and end up picking up the pieces from the damage that anger can cause.

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Are You In Denial?

M. Scott Peck, the author of “The Road Less Traveled”, says that the tendency to avoid problems and emotional suffering is the primary basis of human mental illness. According to him, “some of us will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid our problems and the suffering they cause.”

I have to agree – the Save My Marriage team handles a lot of couples who experience some form of sickness in their marriages because they have trouble facing the reality of their problems.

Denial is a defensive mechanism that serves to protect us from external circumstances. All people experience this at one point or another, but the problem is when couples are so stuck in denial that they can’t muster the strength to find a solution.

Resisting Change

In marriage, this denial often occurs when serious problems begin to creep into the relationship. A lot of couples go into a state of shock because they’re unaware that relationships naturally go through different phases.

In our “Save My Marriage Today” book, we call this as the Life Cycle of a marriage.

The first stage of marriage is characterized by romance and infatuation. During this time, couples are extremely passionate about each other and get caught up in a tide of intense emotions.

However, Peck states that this is not true love and even believes romance to be a harmful myth. He probably saw it as such because people often assume in the beginning that their feelings of infatuation will last forever and that their partner will always remain perfect.

During the next stage, known as “reality check”, they’ll begin to see each other’s flaws and realize that their marriage is not the ideal relationship that they assumed it was.

This is why a lot of couples go into denial. When the illusion is shattered, they fall into an intense period of disbelief.

Swallowing The Bitter Pill

As you your personalities and values begin to clash, will you accept this reality and discuss it with your spouse? Or are you going to sweep it under the rug and keep it out of sight?

Denying the existence of your marital issues is only going to make them worse. Your differences will resurface at some point in time, and you can only run from your problems for so long.

Maybe it’s hard to acknowledge the imperfection of your marriage because you think that it’s the same as admitting you’ve failed as a spouse.

Perhaps you believe that your friends have perfect marriages and you feel ashamed for having to deal with marital issues.

If you feel this way, you should stop comparing your situation to others because I can tell you right now that NO couple is perfect. To some extent, everyone has trouble in their own marriages – even if you don’t see it.

Those Things That Hurt, Instruct

Remember that it’s human nature to make mistakes, especially when it comes to marriage. More importantly, don’t be afraid to admit that your marriage wasn’t the perfect relationship that you once thought it was.

Try to see it this way: challenges can be your greatest teacher. Though you don’t have total control over what happens to you, you have the absolute power to decide how to make the most of your circumstances and learn from them.

Every marriage goes through change.  However, the difference between a happy couple and a miserable one is that only the former chooses to embrace the imperfection of their relationship.

Remember: marriages stuck in denial can’t move on to the other stages of its life cycle.

As soon as you stop resisting the reality of imperfection, you can start taking the necessary steps to save your marriage. For instance, you can see a counselor, learn how to strengthen your relationship, or sign up for a marriage-saving course such as ours.

Taking these measures will help you accept one another for the people you’ve become. In time, you’ll learn how to work around your differences, and even agree to disagree.

Ultimately, imperfection in a marriage is inevitable, just like everything else in life. What matters is how you choose to deal with it.

By making the right choice, you’ll reach a higher level of emotional and spiritual development – even if you get hurt along the way.

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Is Divorce The Answer?

For couples experiencing difficulties in their marriage, it’s hard to accept how things have turned out between them. It seems just yesterday when all was right in the world and their relationship was destined to last forever.

When spouses begin to realize that the person they married was not at all the perfect person they assumed they were, it can leave them shaken and even disgusted.

Unfortunately, many couples feel that the only solution is a permanent separation.

And why wouldn’t it seem like a viable option? When a person isn’t happy with their job, the logical thing to do is quit and find new work. Why can’t marriage be the same way?

In a consumer-driven culture that we live in, it’s easy to send something to the trash bin if it isn’t working. Why should a relationship be any less disposable?

However, marriage is not a commodity that you can throw out without suffering lasting consequences.

For instance, when a couple separates because one of the spouses ran away with someone else, the odds are slim for the new relationship to succeed. Whatever unresolved problems were present in the previous marriage are likely to carry over to the new relationship, thus repeating the cycle.

What’s to stop the cheating couple from breaking up for the same reasons?

In short, divorce doesn’t do anything to address the problems in the marriage – it only perpetuates the unhealthy patterns from the past.

Furthermore, consider the legal and financial implications of divorce. Divorce settlements rarely end amicably. Some cases last for months or even years – the longer it goes on, the longer you’ll have to shell out for lawyers and other legal expenses.

Are you really willing to put yourself – and your children – through this kind of stress? Divorce is especially troubling for young children who aren’t emotionally equipped to handle the experience of their parents separating.

Divorce will also create destructive ripples within your circle of family and friends. The rift between spouses can seriously affect your relationships with mutual friends, colleagues and relatives.

Worse, the people in your life will end up polarized and might even feel forced to choose sides.

Having said all that, divorce isn’t a quick or clean way to deal with your problems. All it really does is create more turmoil in your life. Between staying married and separating, suffering the same amount of stress is ultimately an exercise in futility.

Working it out with your spouse isn’t less difficult, but in the greater scheme of things you’re going to save yourselves unnecessary grief, not to mention the horrible feeling of a failed marriage.

Of course there are couples who feel like they can no longer live under the same roof. If you’re in this situation, work out a schedule to reduce your contact with each other for the meantime.

At the same time, you can continue attending to your daily responsibilities (e.g. bills, chores, etc.) and maintain the sense of still living together.

In the meantime, you can give each other the space for personal growth (such as taking self-esteem courses, reading self-help books, indulging in a hobby) while seeing a counselor and doing shared exercises on agreed days during the week.

This way, you can save your marriage while satisfying your individual needs at the same time. When both you and your spouse are positive, happy and confident, you’ll have an easier time being around each other.

As you work through your issues, you can still maintain a relatively stable life together in spite of the challenges you face. Changing your schedule may not be easy at first, but remember that this is only a temporary setup until you can make enough progress for things to back to normal.

At the end of the day, divorce (and its devastating effects) is something you should take very seriously. You may think that you’ll be finally be living the ideal life after ending your marriage, but as we’ve pointed out, this is not the case.

Imagine being in the same situation as you are right now, but without the anger. If you weren’t flooded with emotions, would you still consider divorce as the only option?

Probably not.

Don’t let the heat of the moment cloud your judgment. There are, in fact, other ways to resolve your differences that are far less destructive than divorce.

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Is Your Marriage In Trouble? Try These 3 Marriage-Saving Tips

A few weeks ago, we received an email from Claire, a freelance consultant from Ohio, who told us that her marriage was in bad shape. She says:

“Last month, my husband and I had a huge meltdown in the car while we were on an out-of-town trip. Apparently, he’s been harboring a lot of resentment towards me and the minor argument we had during that time sparked his outburst. It was just horrible; our kids were with us with when it happened.

When we got back home, my husband continued expressing the frustration that’s been simmering within him for the past few years. He said that I was constantly absent in our marriage and that I wasn’t attentive to his needs.

Feeling shell-shocked, I countered that he wasn’t doing his part either, thus forcing me to “pick up the slack” in our relationship. Since the incident, we’ve been stuck in a sort of stalemate – getting through each day has become a real struggle for us.”

In marriages such as Claire’s, the onset of relationship issues can really deplete a couple’s morale. When you feel at your lowest, it feels like there’s no reason to even bother trying to turn things around.

If you feel like this, you need to realize that it’s only the weight of your problems are keeping you from thinking clearly.

But as we’ve discussed in the previous blog post, you have the choice to nurture negative thoughts or throw them out.

Instead of mulling over the fact that you have marital problems (just like all couples), you can choose to focus on doing certain things to improve the state of your marriage:

#1: Accept Responsibility In Your Marriage

If you’ve ever been in Claire’s shoes, it may seem insane to even consider the possibility that your unreasonable spouse may have a point. When you’re upset and feeling righteously indignant, admitting your part in the problem is the last thing you’d want to do.

After all, your partner has their own faults – who are they to accuse you?

But as we said, your emotions can affect your objective judgment. If you allow it to overrun your thinking, you’ll only entrench yourselves deeper in your situation.

As hurt as you may feel, playing the blame and shame game is not the solution. Instead, try listening with an open mind and understand where your spouse’s feelings are coming from.

Remember that resentment and the resulting problems take months or years in the making. You can’t afford to brush off your partner’s side of the story if you want to get to the heart of your problems.

Otherwise, you’ll risk ignoring the factors that are fueling your marital conflicts. Thus, accepting your shortcomings and acknowledging your spouse’s own position is more important than the satisfaction of “being right”.

#2: Show A Genuine Desire To Fix Things

After you’ve mustered the humility to own up to your faults, you’ll be empowered with the sincerity to improve your marriage.

The problem with some spouses is that they only appear to take their partner’s side seriously and make empty promises to do something about their issues. In the long run, this will only come back to haunt them when their recurring issues flare up again.

To avoid this cycle, you’ll need to show your sincerity through tangible actions and offer a solid plan to get your marriage back on track.

For instance, create a weekly date schedule, propose couple exercises to help bring the love back. If needed, you can also set an appointment with a qualified counselor.

What’s important is that you’re not only making verbal commitments, but also following through with them.

#3: Power On Through

Viktor Frankl, author of “Man’s Search For Meaning”, talks about how people can surpass challenges. He says:

“Suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the “size” of human suffering is absolutely relative.”

In other words, things are not as bad as they seem. Your emotions are a powerful force that may cause you to attract a stream of negative thoughts which will snowball out of control.

If your spouse says that they no longer have any romantic feelings for you, this is actually a normal part of the evolution that all marriages go through.

Having high levels of infatuation is expected in the beginning; however, it’s also normal for these feelings to fade a bit over time. It may hurt to hear your partner say that they’re no longer in love with you, but remember that they’re just evolving within the relationship.

Disillusionment is inevitable; the feeling of being “in love” is meant to fade.

Rather than giving in to your spouse’s sense of hopelessness, you can be a good example to him or her by equipping yourself with the skills needed to heal your marriage. Instead of giving up, work towards creating an atmosphere of acceptance.

When you learn to accept each other for who you are, the initial rush of romance will be replaced with a deeper sense of love.

But none of this is possible if you give up. By seeing your problems through, the relationship can move on to its other stages.

Another way to convince your spouse that you’re changing for the better is by working on yourself. While this isn’t as direct as working on your marriage, attending to your own needs will keep you calm, focused and ready to take care of your family.

Setting The Bar In Your Marriage

Think about it this way: would your spouse rather be with someone who’s angry, bitter and hostile…

…or someone who’s positive, pro-active and willing to put their relationship ahead of their pride?

Wallowing in self-pity and animosity is not a constructive path to take. When you refuse to let your fear or other emotions take control, you can be more committed to improving your marriage and yourself as well.

Just because you’re experiencing negativity from your spouse, it doesn’t mean you should stop doing your part. Your thoughts and feelings are separate from theirs – being optimistic is your prerogative, regardless of your partner’s own state of mind.

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5 Ways To Manage Stress

Though we try to avoid stress in our lives, it’s a prevalent part of our daily routine. Throughout the week, we take on various responsibilities that require a great deal of our time and energy.

As the days pile up, so do our stress levels. Between paying the bills, raising the kids, attending to your partner’s needs and working on your career, it’s hard to find time to decompress and take care of yourself.

However, none of us can really afford NOT to do this. After all, we’re only human – even the most dedicated spouse needs to recharge their batteries.

A lack of stress management skills won’t only hurt you in the long run; your family will be negatively affected as well. It’s all too common for spouses to end up taking their frustrations out on their family, snapping at them over trivial things.

Your partner and children certainly won’t appreciate a crabby spouse with a short fuse. Here are some effective ways to chill out and keep those stress levels to a minimum:

#1: Clear Your Mind

Whether you’re on your lunch break at work or have 15 minutes to spare at home, spending some time to quiet your mind is an often overlooked technique to de-stress.

No matter what your worries are, constantly obsessing about them won’t make them go away. You’ll take care of it when the time comes, so you might as well give yourself a chance to think about something else.

Better yet, try NOT thinking of anything at all. If you have a rec room at work, sit down, close your eyes and empty your thoughts.

If you’re at home, find a quiet spot you can go to daily and do the same thing. Doing nothing is the simplest way to regain your bearings and restore your focus.

When you go on long stretches of work without resting, you’ll be like a pencil that’s become dull from overuse. You might not notice it, but not giving yourself a chance to “sharpen up” will cause mental blocks.

When your mind is worn out, you’ll have a harder time making decisions. Make a daily mental note to reboot your brain when you start feeling sluggish.

#2: Reap The Benefits of Cardio

Exercise is a great way to blow off steam and keep you fit at the same time. Not only will you get the blood pumping, you’ll also have the chance to get your mind off your worries for a little while.

However, this doesn’t mean you need to become a gym rat or marathon runner. Ease yourself into your fitness routine by dedicating 20-30 minutes to cardiovascular activity thrice a week.

Just remember not to strain yourself too much. Don’t be pressured into losing drastic amounts of weight. When starting out, the important thing is to take the first step towards an active lifestyle and get the endorphins flowing.

As you used to moving around more, you can start accomplishing more focused weekly goals like running a certain number of miles, doing a set amount of reps, or any other activity that fits your preferences.

#3: You Snooze, You Win

It’s pretty obvious that getting enough sleep is important, but here’s another reason why you should. Staying up late will cause your body to produce a stress-triggered hormone known as cortisol.

Studies have shown that high levels of cortisol are linked to a greater risk of heart-related ailments and an increased desire to eat. Though it may take some effort to organize your schedule and make more time for sleep, it’s well worth the trouble.

Rearranging some items on your daily itinerary has its rewards such as greater alertness and being less irritable throughout the day. That brings us to the next tip…

#4: Strategize Your Day

Although it feels like you have a million things to do every day, you can make sense of the madness with some thoughtful planning ahead of time.

The most common method is to list down all of the things you need to do when you wake up. Instead, go back the night before and start from there.

Start off on an encouraging note by making a list of the day’s accomplishments before going to bed. If there are any unfinished tasks on your list, designate a specific completion date for them whether it’s tomorrow or later in the week.

By tomorrow morning, you will have sorted out your priorities in advance. Organizing your tasks this way reduces the feeling of being overwhelmed because you know exactly what needs to be done.  By nighttime, you can repeat the cycle and get everything sorted out before the next day.

Without a clear picture in your head, your to-do items will seem like a massive, shapeless pile of worries. Going through your day with such a load on your mind is stressful in itself!

# 5: Connect With Others

As the famous saying goes, “No man is an island”.  As our stress accumulates, we sometimes forget that we’re surrounded by people who can be there for us in times of need.

You don’t have to take the brunt of your daily woes on your own. Find someone to talk to, whether it’s your close friends, relatives or colleagues.

Your innermost circles can offer you a chance to get away from the grind and let your hair down. Though talking to people you trust may not directly solve your problems, venting will preserve your sanity.

What’s more, the people around you can help you see your situation from another point of view. We’re often so fixated on our worries that we forget that there’s more than one approach to things.

Don’t forget that as you carry stress, it can spread into your home and create a cycle of tension. With the proper techniques above, you can disrupt this unhealthy pattern and make things easier for yourself – along with your spouse and children.

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Use This Trick To Save Your Marriage

Save My Marriage BonfireA lot of couples find themselves at the edge of their sanity, weary from keeping their marriage afloat. But if there’s one thing that can help them in their uphill struggle towards a better relationship, it’s returning to the reasons they fell in love.

The bond that husbands and wives share is often compared to a bonfire. Much like brightly burning flames, the passion typically runs high during the initial stages of the relationship.

As the months and years pass by, the fires of romance will naturally settle down a bit – this is a normal part of a relationship. However, these flames could be extinguished altogether if a couple goes through too many unresolved conflicts.

When spouses become sidetracked by these obstacles, it could cause a gap than can grow increasingly wider over time. Before they even realize it, their fire has fizzled and crumbled into a pile of ash.

With a simple technique however, any couple can uncover the still-glowing embers underneath and re-ignite the spark of their love.

Finding Strength In The Past

Going through some exercises with your spouse is the key is to reviving the positive feelings in your marriage. To get started with this, you need to go the past and look at the roots of your marriage.

Do you remember how you first met? What were the things you liked the most about him or her back then?

While these are just some of the things you need to think about, merely reminiscing the good old days on a superficial level won’t do the trick.

Like a cherished photo album, you need to retrieve your happy memories from the back of your mind, dust it off and make an effort to keep them in your conscious thoughts.

Passively “flipping” though the pages without much thought isn’t going to help your marriage.

To take an in-depth look back in time, you and your spouse need to do some structured sharing exercises.

Come up with a set of questions that both of you can answer and discuss. To give you a better idea, here are some sample topics you can start off with:

1. What are the top 5 qualities that you like about your spouse?
(*Follow up: name a specific instance when your spouse put these qualities into action.)

2. What are the favorite things that your spouse does for you?

3. Name 3 good memories from your wedding day (i.e. sweet, touching, funny, etc.)

4. What were the best moments in your marriage?

5. When was the moment that you decided to marry your partner?

6. What were the challenges you’ve overcome as a couple and how did you get past them?

Feel free to create more questions that are relevant to your situation. You’ll be surprised at the direction your discussions will take as you suddenly recall little snippets that will remind you of the good times.

The important thing is that you explore and savor the good parts of your past so that you’ll learn to FOCUS on each other’s positive traits. Sometimes, getting over a slump in your life boils down to having the right perspective.

Unleashing The Power Of Positivity

In essence, all of this is meant to put you and your spouse’s mindset on a positive track. The single biggest cause of marital strife is not the actual issues that couples have (e.g. finances, in-laws, differences of opinion), but the lack of good feelings to help dilute the negativity of their problems.

If you can’t even bring yourselves to like each other, how can you expect your relationship to stay intact when the bad times come rolling in? That’s why going back to the past and celebrating your origins as a couple is just the trick to give your marriage a much-needed boost.

John Kehoe, creator of the self-empowerment course “Mind Power”, says that there are certain laws of the mind that govern our thinking. One of these is called the “Law Of Control” which states that we have the power to let thoughts take up space in our mind OR kick them out.

With your couple exercises, you’ll develop the ability to let go of negative emotions and see each other in a positive light instead. As far your relationship is concerned, you’ll also find it easier to see yourselves from a “we” perspective rather than as individuals.

Slow Start? Don’t Sweat It

Granted that hostile couples will have a harder time to get the ball rolling, they can ease their way into the topic by casually bringing it up during mundane times like having brunch on the weekend or while enjoying a quiet evening at home.

Eventually, you’ll become comfortable engaging in this positive discussion on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. In time, you’ll be able to turn the tide of negative emotions in your marriage.

As the love finds its way back into your relationship, you’ll find that problems are much easier to handle.

The Path To Better Things

Of course, doing these exercises is not a silver bullet that will magically solve all of your problems. Nevertheless, including them in your weekly routine will create a profound effect on your marriage.

In the future, you’ll open your doors to even more relationship-strengthening techniques, such as doing the exercises found in our “Save My Marriage” book or habits of maintenance.