Category: Making Marriage Last

If you asked any married person who the most important person in their life is, the large majority of these would name their spouse. No surprises there.

So we move on to the next question – who are the other important people in your life? And this is where it gets interesting.

Because how this question is answered can potentially predict how satisfied you are in your marriage.

Friendship is a highly important element of everyone’s lives, and we tend to really suffer without it. In fact, the strength of someone’s social connections is the biggest predictor of their general happiness.

Having friendships is beneficial for both your physical and mental health.And friendships, both shared and individual, are also highly beneficial to the health of your marriage.

When you get married, your husband or wife often takes on the role of your best friend – which is a great thing.

It makes sense that especially in the early days, your individual friendships may need to take a back seat as you and your spouse start setting the foundations of a life together.

And no doubt, friendships can be hard to maintain after marriage. Your priorities can change, and especially when children come along, there is usually time for little else.

But there are times when you do still really need your friends. And maintaining friendships throughout your marriage can really boost your marital satisfaction. Here’s why:

1. Having friends takes the pressure off each other
Marriage can get pretty lonely when you are relying on each other for all of your social stimulation and emotional well being. This is where you can get sick of each other and end up bickering all the time. Because living with one other person 24/7 can be HARD.

Having the support of friends means that you and your spouse aren’t relying on each other to meet each other’s every emotional need 100% of the time.

Just because your spouse is the most important person in your life, it doesn’t mean that you ONLY need them. Even though you may sometimes feel you have it all, with your spouse and children (if you have them), you may be really cutting yourself short in the long run if you let your friendships go.

Having social support outside of your marriage is beneficial to your mental health, and therefore can actually help you to cope with and work through marriage problems.

As one example, research has showed that people who have more frequent positive social contact with adults other than their spouse are a lot less likely to suffer from symptoms of depression.

2. Friendship allows outlets for venting and confiding
Sometimes our spouse is simply not the best person to help us with a particular problem. Or you may want to be able to get the perspective of more than just one person. Either way, it is great to have friends to talk to if there is something on your mind.

Just try not to make your closest shared friends the ones that you confide in with any marital troubles. If you feel you need to talk about these with someone, try instead going to one of your more personal friends.

This way, they can shed light on the situation, but won’t be as divided in their loyalties or affected negatively by hearing about any problems that are present in your marriage. Also, it makes it less likely for these issues to awkwardly be brought up during a social occasion.

Talking about relationship problems doesn’t have to mean that you are being disloyal to your spouse. Of course, if your spouse has specifically said or you KNOW that they don’t want something personal being discussed, then don’t bring this up.

But with someone you trust, it is okay to ask for a bit of advice on any general issues you are struggling with. As long as you maintain respect for your spouse and aren’t just using these discussions as a means to bag them.

3. Couple friends can act as good relationship models
One of the greatest benefits that couple friends have are acting as relationship role-models for you and your spouse.

Especially at the beginning of your marriage, where you may still be finding your feet, you can look to any friends that have been married for a while to help you to get your bearings.

For example, observing how these married couples handle issues such as balancing their work and love lives, raising children, taking care of their parents, and resolving conflict. Through these observations, you and your spouse might learn more effective ways of interacting and solving problems.

Married friends can shed light on relationship or parenting situations, as they are looking from an outsider’s point of view. They can also offer shared stories and support, as they may be going through some of the same marriage troubles you are facing, or have experienced these in the past.

There can be nothing more relieving than being able to laugh with good friends about how helpless you all feel trying to get your children to go to bed at night. This release of tension can give you the strength you need to keep trying.

It can be a real relief to find out that you aren’t the only ones out there facing difficulties (because believe me, you’re not).

4. Friends add flavor to your lives
Think of all the fresh ideas, novel activities, and perspectives friends can introduce you to. If you’re a parent, friends can allow you the relief of stimulating adult conversation which can give you a much-needed break from the child world.

You may have a variety of friends, who meet different needs and complement you in different ways. Whether they are friends who you can discuss deep emotional issues with, or ones you just have fun with, there is so much to gain.

For example, you might have some friends who you see often and discuss personal issues with, but other friends who you might just occasionally see at dinner parties, or go out for the odd walk with in the weekend.

You might also have shared interests with some of your friends that perhaps you don’t share with your spouse, or vice versa. Which again takes the pressure off your spouse to help you to feel fulfilled in this area.

For instance, you might like playing tennis, while your spouse really likes going to the art gallery. Rather than doing these together (if you really don’t enjoy this activity of your spouse’s), you can each have outside friends to do these with.

Another great benefit of having mutual friends is that you can go away on the occasional family or couple holidays together, rather than always just going away alone. This can make it a whole lot more fun for everyone, especially if you all have kids.

And later in life, when your children have grown up and you have the time and energy for socializing and pursuing your hobbies and interests, you will really find a need for these outside friendships again.

5. Couples who have more shared friends from different areas of each other’s lives are more likely to stay together

In fact, a recent Facebook study showed some really interesting research about relationships and mutual friends.

This study showed that couples who reported being ‘in a relationship’ were more likely to stay together if they had more shared friends from MULTIPLE AREAS of each other’s lives, rather than just more shared friends in general.

For example, being friends with some of your partner’s childhood friends, work friends, sports friends, and neighborhood friends, rather than just the group you hang out with together from your college days.

In fact, the couples who had a lot of mutual friends, but these friends were all from the same social group, were just as likely, or even MORE likely to break up than those who had few mutual friends.

Although this study was based on couples who reported being ‘in a relationship’, rather than married couples specifically, it still gives a good indication that having friends across multiple areas of each other’s lives is beneficial for relationship health.

This makes sense. Because if you and your spouse have just one mutual friend group, if things goes pear-shaped in that group it has the potential to have a more damaging effect on your marriage (or vice versa).

So make sure you and your spouse do both keep up individual friendships outside of marriage, and make an effort to get to know some of the different groups of people your spouse socializes with.

A note on opposite sex friendships

Opposite sex friendships is a topic which can lead to a lot of debate.

Friends of the opposite sex can be great as they may help to offer the perspective of the other sex on a particular subject, and in doing so help you to understand your wife or husband better.

But they can also be a sore point in relationships, especially if it is only ONE partner that has opposite-sex friends. For some people, the idea of their spouse having opposite sex friends can lead to a lot of jealousy.

For an opposite-sex friendship to work, the baseline rules are that it needs to be purely platonic (involve absolutely NO sexual attraction) and not be hidden in any way from spouses.

And if your spouse is NOT comfortable with your friendship with any opposite-sex friends, you need to respect their feelings and be prepared to distance yourself from this friend if necessary.

In fact, my general advice is to keep opposite-sex friends to those who are ‘couple friends’, and avoid meeting up with any alone, especially when you are experiencing marital problems.

It is usually not a good idea to confide about your marital problems to any opposite-sex friends, as this is often when boundaries can get crossed.

You may think I am being way too cutthroat here, and disagree with these ideas. But unfortunately, the hard truth is that a high percentage of affairs start through opposite-sex friends becoming close when one (or both) of their relationships is in trouble.

And when you want to save your marriage, you have to put your spouse first.

Brooke Ryan
Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

A common phrase we hear in our consultations with clients who report being ‘unhappy’ in their marriages is “We just don’t have the spark anymore”.

A couple may be 2,5, or 10 years down the track, and start to feel like the passion has died, there are too many problems taking hold, and it’s time to start talking divorce. Whoa! Stop there!

Before you start making any life-changing decisions based on a loss of ‘passion’ in your marriage, you need to read this first.

Because what a lot of people don’t realize about love is that it changes, and is SUPPOSED to change, over time.

Marriage is hard, and sometimes you will go through stages where your relationship feels empty, lifeless, and tense.

But the thing is, if you can stay strong and keep working on it, the reward of developing a love that is true and complete in every way will be waiting for you at the end.

1. Infatuation

This is the sweet, wonderful, addictively euphoric stage of intimacy that you probably experienced when you first got together with your wife or husband.

This is the time where lust, attraction, excitement and passion takes over – when you can’t get your partner off your mind and want to be with them 24/7.

You feel like you have met the love of your life, and you can’t imagine that feeling ever changing. Loving your partner is as easy as breathing, and in your eyes they can do no wrong.

During the infatuation phase your brain and body becomes flooded with a euphoric mix of feel-good chemicals, which basically addict you to your lover like a drug.

Dopamine helps to create that crazy, euphoric, ecstatic chemistry with your lover, as well as increasing energy levels and reducing the need for food or sleep.

The next ingredient in this addictive cocktail is serotonin, the ‘feel-good’ chemical that fuzzes out any pain or stress and makes you feel happy and relaxed in your lover’s presence.

We then have adrenaline, the ‘stress response’ chemical which makes your heart race, mouth go dry, butterflies flutter in your stomach, and heightened awareness and arousal throughout your body.

Finally, there is oxytoxin, the ‘bonding’ or ‘devotion’ hormone released by men and women after orgasm, or whenever you cuddle or feel particularly close with your partner. Oxytoxin creates powerful attachments between people, giving rise to irresistible feelings of love and security.

Based on all of these feel-good chemicals rushing through the brains, it is no wonder that couples in the infatuation stage can’t keep their hands off each other and spend so much time making love.

Somewhat unfortunately, the infatuation stage usually only lasts from around 6 months to two years. Although it is an amazing stage in your relationship and should be fully enjoyed and cherished, this stage is not true love.

While it is full of passion and intimacy, it can also cause what is known as ‘lover’s blindness’ – where a couple who are infatuated with each other are unable to recognize each other’s flaws, or roadblocks to their relationship working out long-term.

Which brings us to the second stage of intimacy: where ‘reality’ sets in.

2. Reality sets in

Eventually, the infatuation has to wear off.

Your body can’t physically and emotionally keep up that level of emotional intensity without getting burnt out. So eventually, all of those lovey-dovey hormones from above take a well-deserved rest, leaving our mind clear from their haze.

When this buzz of infatuation fades, this is where people can tend to experience the sensation of tumbling down from their perch in the clouds and landing back on the cold hard ground.

Basically, this is when people start really noticing that their ‘perfect’ partner actually has flaws, and start viewing their relationship a lot more clearly.

“Since when did he become so selfish?” “I hate how long she spends in the bathroom.” “I used to want to be around him all the time. Now I just want some time for myself”.

Reality kicks in, and you may experience feelings of confusion, disappointment and loss, due to the sudden decline in passionate feelings you have for your partner.

This is the time when a lot of couples can come to the conclusion that they have ‘lost the spark’ and can even call it quits.

At this stage along the road, loving your partner becomes a CHOICE, rather than mutual infatuation sparked by all of the hormones and chemicals which had been flowing through your brains from the time you started seeing each other.

It’s also a time where you may find your needs as individuals suddenly become more of a priority again, and you may start wanting to regain some independence. For example, spending more time with your friends, sports team, or keeping up your hobbies.

But reality doesn’t have to be all bad – in fact, some people feel relief when the anxiety and obsession associated with infatuation wears off, and they can become a little more relaxed in their relationship.

Plus, it’s not likely you’ve missed any deal-breaker flaws in your partner during the infatuation stage, it may just be little things which start to cause more annoyance and frustration than they used to. “I wish you wouldn’t leave your gear lying round in the lounge”.

I’m sure you can all think of examples of habits of your spouse’s that didn’t bother you at the beginning, but sure do drive you up the wall now.

Unfortunately, dealing with your relationship not being as passionate and exciting as it once was is not the end of the challenges a couple must go through on the path to achieving real love.

The next stage is even harder (dealing with all of the real-life issues and conflicts), but if you can get through this one then it should be all up from there.

3. Dealing with conflict and life challenges

This is an interesting phase where commitment to each other usually strengthens, but intimacy and passion can take a backseat as the struggles of day-to-day life become a main feature in your relationship.

By this stage, your relationship has become a very real part of your life, where you and your partner are fully intertwined in each other’s lives.

You know about their problems at work, their health issues, their family relationships, and their living habits. You know majority of the significant people in their life and are viewed by everyone as ‘Brangelina’ rather than ‘Brad’ and ‘Ange’.

This is a stage where some very real conflicts can come about, especially when you are living together. Conflict may be brought about by many things, including differences in how you like to do things in the household, differences in priorities and goals, financial pressure, or feeling like particular emotional needs are not being met.

And constant bickering about who should be doing the dishes, who’s spending more, and who’s working too much or not enough can definitely take its toll.

But learning how you deal with and work through conflicts is an important learning curve for any couple, and can set the stones for how your communication and conflict resolution will continue into the future.

This means being able to be completely open and honest with each other about what your needs are, and working through any negative feelings.

When couples get STUCK in this conflict stage, this is when the real problems arise. Couples may need outside help in order to help them to learn to develop more effective strategies for conflict resolution, or to get to the root of a problem.

The important thing to remember during this stage is that it might take extra effort on both of your behalves to keep the romance and intimacy alive. Amongst all the routine and chaos, try to still factor in quality time as a couple.

Keep some evenings and weekends free so you can focus on just enjoying each other’s company, and doing some of the things you enjoy doing together. And keep some of that passion alive by making your sex life a priority. Remember, although the chemistry may have dwindled somewhat, oxytoxin is still being released every time you have sex with your spouse, which helps to strengthen the bond between you.

Unfortunately, couples can come back to the conflict stage even after they have moved on from it in the past. But the better than you have learned to effectively communicate and resolve conflicts the first time round, the less likely you are to keep returning to this undesirable point in the relationship.

4. Second honeymoon

The great news is, if you can make it through the conflict and life challenges stage with your partner, you’re in for a treat. Because this stage is usually followed by what has been coined as the ‘second honeymoon’ – in which you have weathered the storm and in doing so, gained a new sense of love, trust and affection towards each other.

This stage may also arise at different times during your relationship after resolving a large problem together, experiencing the loss of someone in your life (or coming close to losing your partner), successfully going through relationship therapy, going through a life-changing event, or experiencing a particularly amazing date or night of passion with each other for the first time in a while.

Suddenly, your eyes are again open to how gorgeous your partner is, how amazing they are to you, and how lucky you really have it.

You start becoming excited to go out on dates with your partner again and make more of an effort to give the little surprises, gifts and displays of affection that show them how much you care.

Getting through the stage of conflict and life challenges means that you now know where you stand with each other, are able to resolve issues, and as a result have developed a great sense of stability and trust in your relationship.

This is the point at which you really embrace your partner for all of their flaws and assets, and love them completely as they are. You have accepted that one another is not perfect, and find that you can truly call them your best friend.

Again, it is important during this phase that you truly make the most of these loving feelings and show how much you appreciate one other, rather than taking things for granted.

5. Real love

This is the part that every couple strives towards: finally finding true love with the person by their side.
This is the stage which is labelled as ‘consummate love’ on psychologist Robert Sternberg’s love triangle: where passion, intimacy, and commitment are combined to form a ‘complete’ form of love.

Consummate love is the real deal, where each person finds true security, happiness, trust, affection, stability, honesty, and respect in their relationship. It is estimated to start blossoming around the fifth year of a relationship, provided that you have made it through the previous stages.

By this stage, you have most likely supported each other through good times and bad, faced challenges as a team, and have developed maturity both as individuals and as a married couple. Your goals have become well aligned, and you are working together as a team to make their dreams happen.

This is the really warm, deep type of love, where people can look at the way a couple acts around one another and see instantly that they are soul mates. They are the couples who argue with affection and are deeply content with their lives together.

They are comfortable, relaxed, and affectionate in each other’s presence, and maintain a satisfying sex life. They have no doubts about their feelings and can rely on one another, without being overly dependent.

You can achieve this real love in your marriage, just as long as you can first make it through the rough patches.
But like all things, even a relationship that has reached the stage of real love still needs effort and nurturance to keep it healthy.

It is possible, and even likely, that a life-long relationship will at times go back through some of the previous stages of intimacy, due to changes in situations or a period where the relationship is taken for granted.

For example, something such as finding out that you are unable to have children can really throw a relationship into disarray, and shatter some of the ‘perfect’ visions that you had of your life together.

However, as long as you keep looking after each other and having a committed and giving mindset, you WILL be able to return to this settled and deeply loving place in your relationship.

Brooke Ryan
Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Marriage is a team sport. Just as you couldn’t win a football match without ever passing to your teammates, you can’t keep a marriage healthy without supporting and communicating with your spouse.

As is evident in the many marriage consultations we have with clients, marriage can start to fail when couples stop working WITH each other and start working AGAINST each other.

Here are some questions to ask yourself right now:

Do you see things as ‘me’ rather than ‘we’ in your marriage?

Do you avoid telling your spouse your problems because you doubt that you’ll receive their support?

If you answered ‘yes’ to these questions, chances are that somewhere along the road you and your spouse have stopped being the team you were when you first got married. And believe me, you are not alone. But no matter how distant you may feel right now, you CAN get your spouse back on your team.

It might take a lot of rewiring to start thinking about how things affect ‘we’ rather than ‘me’ again, and regaining a ‘what’s mine is yours’ mindset. But as long as you are both committed to working on your marriage, you can get there.

Remember that as a team, you can achieve so much more than you can as two individuals. Instead of feeling constant friction, you will feel the comfort that comes with someone ‘having your back’.

Essential Steps to Making Your Marriage a Team

1. Support each other, no matter what

Being in a team means supporting each other, win or lose.

This means having a united and giving mindset – especially when it comes to facing challenges in your marriage. Say your wife or husband loses their job, gets sick, or struggles with an addiction. Are you going to be there for them through this time? Because although it’s not pretty, this is when they most need your support.

Being a team also means standing by your spouse and their decisions, even when you may not completely agree with them. Become you want them to do the same for you. And let’s be honest – we all make mistakes sometimes.

It also means celebrating one another’s achievements. Just as a sports team will have a celebration after winning a big match, you need to be the person who breaks out the champagne bottle when your spouse has a success. And vice versa!

An essential aspect of having each other’s unconditional support is that you and your spouse should both feel comfortable sharing any problems with each other. Sharing your problems with your spouse means that you have faith in their ability to help and support you to cope with what is going on.

When you solve problems together, the connection between you becomes strengthened. So if you have been choosing to not share what is really going on in your life lately, try having faith in your spouse again and telling them about any problems you are facing. By doing this, you are giving them an opportunity to be there for you.

A problem shared truly is a problem halved.

2. Make your spouse’s needs and goals as important as your own

Love is about giving, and making someone else’s needs as much a priority as your own. With two people working together to achieve their goals, whether they be marital goals or personal, you will both achieve these a lot faster.

Sometimes, in order to do what’s best for the team, you may both need to make some personal sacrifices. For example, if one member is struggling with weight and fitness, then both members may need to be prepared to eat more healthily and make time to exercise in order to improve the health of the team.

This also means recognizing one another’s personal interests and finding ways for each person to be able to keep these up, alongside your family life. For example, being prepared to make sacrifices such as; “I’ll take the kids to drama practice while you play golf”, or “I’ll make sure I get home straight after work on a Thursday night so that you can attend your cooking class”.

There should be no room for resentment or dissatisfaction about these arrangements as long as each person is being equally supported to pursue their outside interests and goals, and putting equal effort into their family life.

In all of your daily decisions and actions, think ‘Is this something that’s going to help our marriage or hurt it?’ ‘Is this going to support my partner’s goals as well as my own?’

3. Share the workload

In a team, everyone puts in equal amounts of effort in order to achieve a common goal. The effort, and desire for your team to achieve success is what really counts – rather than any differences in ability between teammates.

In a marriage, especially if you have children, there’s no denying there’s a lot of work involved. Which often isn’t exactly fun or exciting. For example, all the daily chores that no one enjoys – the endless dishes, laundry and cleaning.

When you’re having problems working together in your marriage, it can be easy to start keeping a scorecard of who does the most work. Who cooks more, cleans more, earns more, and looks after the kids more (the list is never ending). Keeping score of what your spouse is doing compared to you can cause you to become bitter and resentful whenever you perceive that they are doing less.

The key is to share the workload of your home life in a fair way. A good way to do this is to sit down and come up with a plan in which there is an equal division of labour, so that each person knows what needs to be done and who’s going to take responsibility for it each day or week.

It also means showing appreciation for the things that your spouse does do at home, and being able to identify when they are struggling with something. For example, one person might really struggle to make it home in time to cook dinner after work, while the other person gets home in the afternoon. In this case, the spouse who is home earlier may need to be prepared to cook dinner during the week to help out the later spouse, who could perhaps cook in the weekends.

4. Be united in your parenting

Being a team means being united in your decisions in the home, especially when it comes to childcare. Because as we’ve touched on in previous blog posts, parenting is a lot more effective when you are on the same page, and are supporting each other’s boundaries and disciplinary actions.

When one spouse is putting a lot more effort into childcare, this can cause a lot of tension in a marriage. Although one parent may work more and the other may spend more time looking after the children, it is highly important that both parents should be equally involved and united in decisions related to their children, and invested in optimizing their health and development.

Both parents should feel comfortable setting boundaries and disciplining their children, and supporting the limits the other spouse has set. You don’t want to use your children as a way of competing with each other. For example, the classic scenario of one parent doing all the disciplining and the other always being the ‘good guy’.

So make sure you are always on the same page when it comes to parenting, to ensure the health of your family life.

5. Live in a shared space

A key aspect of the marital team is sharing your living spaces, and working together to create a positive atmosphere in your home. This means letting someone else into your space, and isn’t always easy.

Again, sharing your home means making joint decisions about how you set up your living areas, and making sure that they are optimized to suit each person’s needs. It also means being mindful of each other in your shared spaces. For example, cleaning up in the bathroom after you have finished so that is clear for your spouse to use.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to actively make the effort to SHARE living spaces with your spouse, rather than avoiding each other at home. For instance, if you get up to move into the kitchen when your spouse enters the lounge, you are sending them a hostile message: I don’t want to be in the same space as you.

Being able to be comfortable in the same room, even if you are doing separate things, is essential for maintaining intimacy in your marriage. And this is also true when it comes to the bedroom.

If you and your partner are sleeping in different beds due to feeling a lack of closeness, it’s time to think about whether you really want to save your marriage. As steps such as this only put you on track to becoming further and further apart.

Sharing a bed maintains closeness between you, and increases the opportunity for physical connection. The passion will not have a chance to relight in your relationship if you are keeping a barrier of distance.

6. Be a financial team

It’s no secret that financial troubles are a common factor which drive a marriage apart. It is all too easy for couples to start keeping tabs on each other’s spending and pointing fingers, especially if their financial situation is tight.

For example, a husband sees that his wife spent $100 at a shoe store and demands to know why she spent this money on shoes when she knows they are on a budget. His wife replies “Well you spent over $100 last week on golf gear, so why am I not allowed to treat myself?” And the argument continues.

To avoid this kind of situation driving a wedge between you and your spouse, you need to become a financial team. Being a financial team means that you pool your income and assets, rather than having separate bank accounts. Does it really matter if one person earns more than the other? Pooling your finances means you can save together for things as a team. It also indicates trust in one other and respect for what each person contributes.

Being a team also means that you are united in your ideas of spending, saving and budgeting. For instance, having plans in place such as a budget of what you can afford to be spending money on each week, which each partner has agreed to stick to.

Of course, often one person will be more financially savvy than the other. And if your partner is not sticking to the financial plan you’ve come up with as a team, this could understandably cause you to feel frustration and resentment. In doing this, your partner would be hurting the team by thinking about ‘me’ rather than ‘we’.

If this is the case, first try talking to your spouse and going back to the financial plan you have set and your financial goals as a couple. Explain why their unnecessary spending is directly undermining the achievement of these goals, and try to focus on the reason why you made these goals in the first place. For example, perhaps you are saving so that you can afford a house, new car or holiday together.

If your spouse still isn’t on board with this, it may be a good time to visit a financial advisor as a couple and see if there is any advice they can give on the situation. For example, perhaps you could have a savings account that it is only possible to withdraw from if you and your spouse both give your written consent.

Final Note…

Remember that if you feel you’ve tried everything to work things out in your marriage, and you and your spouse still aren’t functioning as a team, it IS okay to get outside help. Marriage counselling allows you to access the help of a third party in who can provide you with fresh perspectives and strategies to try in repairing your marriage.

Brooke Ryan,
Author
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

I’m sure you’ve heard time and time again that communication is the key to a successful relationship.

After all, you can spend hours communicating with your spouse every day in your marriage.

But as much as we are told that it is all about the communication, often we aren’t actually given any clues about how we can become better communicators.

This post gives three simple but vital pieces of information about how to improve the effectiveness of your communication with your spouse, and the benefits this will have for your marriage.

1. Learn to keep your voice tone under control

Almost every romantic movie has a scene where lovers are screaming abuse at each other at the top of their lungs, until eventually they become so fired up that they simply start to devour each other’s bodies and passionately make love right then and there. Argument over.

But in reality, this is not usually how it works. Have you ever felt like making love to your partner right after a screaming match? I’m going to take a wild guess here and assume the answer’s ‘no’.

It’s true, yelling does allow you to let loose a lot of strong, negative emotion. But what is your spouse getting when you do this?

Instead of taking in the message you are trying to express, all they are able to pay attention to is the emotion you are throwing at them. And as a result, your spouse reacts to this emotion with a defensive wall.

In this mode, they are incapable of responding to what you are saying with responsiveness and understanding.

If you often yell at your spouse, it’s time to stop doing this now. Instead, let your words speak volumes for themselves.

When you can calm your emotions enough to be able to clearly say exactly how you are feeling, your message is much more powerful and easily understood.

If you need to go to another room for a while to calm down enough to be able to speak without yelling, this is okay. However, let your partner know that this is what you are doing, and that you do want to continue the conversation once you’ve calmed down.

2. Stop trying to compete with your spouse

Do your conversations with your spouse always end up in a battle? Where one person is trying to prove the other wrong?

If this sounds like you, it’s time to remember an important point: you are married. Remember those vows you made? That means you and your spouse are on the same TEAM.

So what are you actually ‘winning’ when you win the argument?

The truth is, when one spouse always needs to win, you both lose.

It is important to always consider one another’s views and try to come to a mutual agreement or solution, rather than trying to push your own viewpoint and get the upper hand.

So rather than approaching differences of opinion in terms of who’s right, try to gain a better understanding of your spouse’s views and see if there’s anything you can learn from them. This way, you will end up having a discussion rather than an argument.

Look for solutions to problems that are going to serve both of you well, rather than talking about who or what may have caused the problem.

As you start communicating and facing problems as a team, your will start to feel more like a team in your day-to-day life, which will strengthen the bonds of love and support between you.

3. Know that the worst thing to say is nothing at all

The silent treatment, in which one partner chooses to shut down verbal communication with their spouse in the midst of a problem or conflict, is an extremely ineffective form of communication.

Choosing silence rather than talking problems through builds resentment, confusion, and puts a wall between you and your spouse.

If something is really bothering you, it is important to let your spouse know, rather than acting ‘off’ with them for a reason they may not understand.

Note that the ‘silent treatment’ is different to needing to take some space to yourself to get in a calm frame of mind before you discuss an issue.

The difference here is that in this case, you do intend to still have the discussion, you just need a bit of space first.

Whereas with the silent treatment, you are deliberately choosing to withhold communication in order to send a message to your spouse.

So if you tend to shut down when you’re feeling hurt or frustrated, one thing that you might like to work on is being able to open up and talk about what you’re feeling to your spouse.

This may be a real challenge for you, but you will find that once you can let things out in the open, a lot of the tension that you are holding inside will be released.

The best way to approach this is to concentrate on making ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements.

So rather than putting things across in an accusing way, e.g. “You never even bother to say good bye before you leave!”, say things in a way that focuses on how YOU feel, e.g. “It always makes me feel a little sad and rejected when you don’t say goodbye before you leave in the morning”.

You can’t always expect your spouse to be able to read your mind, so you need to make your wants and needs really clear.

If you can use ‘I’ statements to let your spouse know how you feel, you will probably find that they respond to this well, and are genuinely sorry for offending you or letting you down.

Do you and your spouse have problems with your communication? Is one of you a lot more vocal than the other? Please share your experiences below.

Brooke Ryan

Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

A common message given in today’s society is that when you have children, your children’s needs always have to come first.

But the trouble is, marriages often end up falling apart because the time and effort put into meeting the children’s needs often means the emotional needs of each spouse are neglected.

Read below to find out how making your SPOUSE’s needs a priority is actually beneficial for your children, and your marriage.

1. Meeting your spouse’s emotional needs will give your spouse the strength they need to be a good parent.

What is often the case these days is that one, or both members of a married couple end up investing all of their time and energy into meeting their children’s needs, which means that they start failing to consider the needs of their spouse.

As their spouse feels that their emotional needs are not being met, they start to feel resentful and may begin to withdraw their emotional support from their partner, and invest less time into childcare.

As a result, the spouse putting all the energy into raising the children feels unsupported, neglected, and resentful that their spouse is not putting more effort into parenting. And soon enough, the marriage starts to fall apart.

You will be better parents if you and your spouse are nurturing each other’s emotional needs.

The more effort you put into meeting your spouse’s needs, the more they will also meet yours. This will give you both the emotional resources YOU need to be able to give your children the support THEY need.

Remember the love that created your children in the first place. You and your spouse were the ones that started this family, and you will be the ones left together after your children leave home.

If you keep working on your relationship while you are raising your children, then you will have the opportunity to enjoy this really special time together once your kids are grown up and independent, and re-discover the passion of your love.

If you have neglected each other, however, you may find that all that is left of your marriage after the kids move on is an empty shell.

Don’t let this happen to your marriage!

No matter how hectic things are with the children, make your spouse’s needs a priority.

And if you feel you are having trouble meeting some of these needs logistically, have a talk with your spouse about how you can overcome this.

The fact that you have recognised your husband or wife’s needs will make them feel loved and understood, and together you can come up with the best ways you can continue to care for each other, even in times of heavy strain.

Remember that your spouse is an individual with their own unique interests, rather than just a wife/husband and parent.

Understand that they need to occasionally have alone time (just as you do), and do your best to accommodate this as a couple. Having short breaks of time away from family life will give you both the ability to come back fresh and ready to give.

It is also important for you and your spouse to occasionally have time completely to yourselves as a couple. Leave the children with a babysitter or grandparents, and use this time to just fully enjoy each other’s company.

Keep communicating and keeping up with what is happening in each other’s lives, and keep the romance alive whenever you can. For example, doing little things to surprise each other, like buying their favourite treat when you do the supermarket shopping.

Make an effort to give your spouse regular compliments, and express your appreciation for what they do for the family. Remember there is nothing wrong with showing a little affection in front of your children.

You will be able to gauge what’s appropriate – obviously a make-out session or groping each other is off-limits, but things like a kiss in the morning and putting your arm around your spouse on the couch is perfectly acceptable. In fact, it is a sign to your children that you love each other.

2. Your children will have a great relationship modelled to them.

What some parents don’t realise is the massive influence that their marital relationship can have on their children’s ideas of what a ‘normal’ adult relationship is.

Without being aware of it, children tend to take in what they view of their parents’ relationship, and add it to their internal relationship model. This includes the way that you behave and interact with one another.

This relationship model is often what your children will base their relationship expectations on in their future romantic relationship.

That is, your children will tend to have the same expectations of how their future partners should treat them as how they see their same-sex parent being treated by their other parent as they grow up.

So if kids see their parents fighting all the time, and having a generally unhealthy and unhappy relationship, chances are they will grow to believe that this is what relationships are like.

Therefore, they may accept being treated less than they deserve in future relationships.

But when they see you and your spouse making each other’s needs a priority, they will expect their own future spouse to meet their needs as well.

So if you can maintain a healthy, loving marriage while you are raising your children, you will provide them with a great model of how relationship partners should treat each other.

In addition, when you and your spouse always present a united front to your children, they will view you as a team, rather than two individuals they can play off against each other.

Therefore, they will understand that you support each other’s parenting decisions and guidelines, and will be more likely to stick within the boundaries you have set.

3. Your children will learn respect.

There are times when your children’s needs DO need to be the number one priority – especially when one of their basic needs is being threatened. For example, when they are sick, tired, hungry, cold, thirsty, or scared.

But for their less urgent wants or needs, it is important that your children learn that sometimes they have to wait before you can attend to these.

That sometimes OTHER people will have needs that have to come first – even those of their mom and dad.
When your children see you and your spouse placing importance on each other’s needs, they become more aware of their mother and father as a human beings with needs, rather than just parents.

They will learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them, and develop a sense of respect and consideration for others.

Unfortunately, many parents are so concerned with immediately meeting their children’s every want and desire, that their children learn to expect that they will always be put first, and begin to view the needs of others as being less important in comparison.

This can lead to an unhealthy pattern of development where children become very egocentric (overly concerned with themselves), and don’t learn to value their parent’s time, attention and support.

So don’t feel guilty if you put a more urgent need of your spouse’s before a less urgent one of your child’s. You are simply prioritizing the needs of the family unit as a whole.

I hope this post has given you a fresh perspective on how placing high importance on the needs of EVERY member of the family (not just the children), actually keeps the family unit bound more tightly together.

It IS possible to be a great wife or husband and parent.

Please feel free to share your experiences of how having children affected the dynamics in your marriage.

Brooke Ryan

Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

You’ve hit a point in your marriage where the fun and excitement has run dry, and all of your interactions seem to be full of tension or empty air.

But don’t let any rough patch in your marriage take away what could be a lifetime of happiness together.
You may not see it this way now, but you could be blissfully happy again a couple of years down the track, if you just keep working at it and finding new ways to solve problems.

Read below to discover how to use the amazing tool of HUMOR to get through this stormy time and head into smoother waters.

The benefits of shared humor

When things have gone a bit downhill in your marriage and you are experiencing a lot of tension and conflict in interactions with your spouse, the last thing you’re probably feeling like doing is having a laugh.

But sometimes stressful times like these are the times when we can benefit from humour the most.

If laughing with your spouse just it’s going to happen right now, you can always start with trying to boost your use of humour outside of your marriage.

This will still have health benefits for you as an individual, which are bound to have a positive flow on effect for your marriage. For example, the release of tension that laughter can bring may allow you to come into discussions with your spouse with a clearer head and more relaxed attitude.

No matter how tough times are, you ARE still capable of laughter.

It may take you by surprise the first time it happens, but believe me, the feelings of relief will be overwhelming.

Continue below to find out the benefits that shared humour has for relationships.

Strengthening relationship bonds

Sharing the pleasure of laughter and humour increases happiness and intimacy between people.
It enhances teamwork and cooperation, and strengthens relationship bonds.

When we use humour, we attracts others to us, as humour is highly infectious and makes people feel good.

Diffusing and solving conflict

Humour, when it is used in the right way (free from sarcasm or ridicule), can be extremely helpful in diffusing and solving conflicts.

It can cause reductions in tension between you and your spouse by interrupting the power struggle and enabling shifts in perspective, allowing you each to see situations in a more realistic, less threatening light.

Once you have seen a problem in a new way, it is often a lot easier to identify a solution.

The use of a little light humour can also reduce the chance that your partner will react defensively when you bring up problems or constructive criticism.

Laughter opens us up, freeing us to express what we truly feel and allowing our deep, genuine emotions to rise to the surface.

As well as bringing people closer together, humour and laughter also have a multitude of benefits for your physical and mental health, which should not be ignored.

Benefits to your physical and mental health

Laughter relieves tension and stress and strengthens our immune system, by decreasing damaging stress hormones and increasing immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies.

Laughter relaxes all of the muscles in the body, and promotes better quality of sleep. A deep belly laugh can leave your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes afterwards!

Laughter can aid in protecting the heart against cardiovascular problems by lowering blood pressure and increasing blood flow.

When we laugh, endorphins are released in our brain, which make us feel good and can cause temporary decreases in pain. Our brain function and creativity is stimulated and our energy levels are boosted.

Humour and laughter can cause immediate improvements to your mood, and help to ease anxiety, fear, stress and anger. Humour enhances our ability to be resilient in the face of challenges, and increases joy in our everyday lives.

Now it’s time to look at how YOU can attract more humour into your marriage and everyday life.

How to embrace humour in your marriage and everyday life

1. Create inside jokes with your partner.
Sharing personal jokes is an amazing way to really connect as a couple, as they are about private things that only you two know about.

As you move on in your relationship, topics will naturally come up which you can laugh about together. It may be about a funny event that happened in your relationship, or a funny aspect of one another’s personalities or mannerisms.

2. Tease each other.
Much like inside jokes, a bit of light teasing in a relationship can create lot of intimacy and affection. Tease your spouse about things that they will find funny and can laugh about themselves, in a flirtatious and affectionate manner.

Teasing is not okay, however, if it is used as a way of hurting or belittling each other rather than flirting – as this can cause the person on the receiving end a lot of pain. So be sensitive to how your partner would take a joke and if you think that they are unlikely to appreciate it, don’t say it.

3. Learn to laugh at yourself.
Being able to laugh at yourself is one of the most attractive qualities a person can have.

Being able to laugh about a silly mistake you made immediately makes it less of a problem. We all have flaws and we all make mistakes. It’s okay to laugh about these and let them go.

Remember, you only have one lifetime and you might as well enjoy it.

4. Use humour to diffuse tension and conflict when appropriate.
Do you find yourself naturally taking up a defensive stance when you don’t agree with your partner on something? Is your reaction always appropriate?

Sometimes we can send off hostile messages to our spouse through our body language, which automatically makes a situation tenser than it should be.

The next time things are getting a little tense during a discussion with your spouse, try biting back the remark you might feel like saying, taking a breath and add a little humour to try to diffuse the situation.

The problem will become a lot easier to solve once you have both let go of some tension and allowed yourself to see things in a more positive light.

5. Spend time with fun, playful people.
Seek out the people in your life who always make you feel good in their presence – adults or children.

The people who can see the funny or positive side to any situation, and can laugh at themselves easily. People who are focused more than having fun and enjoying an activity rather than winning.

These people will be able to help you see the bright side of circumstances in your marriage, and you will find that their laughter and playfulness are contagious.

6. Smile.
Smiling is the beginning of laughter, and is the visual expression of happiness. It is equally as contagious as laughter and can instantly boost a person’s attractiveness!

Even forcing yourself to smile can ‘trick’ your brain into releasing feel good chemicals, as an automatic response to the physical action of smiling.

7. Create opportunities to laugh.
People love to laugh so much that many people make their living through entertaining others.

Try watching a comedy movie or TV show (avoid dramas, tragedy and horrors), reading a light-hearted book or the comics in the paper, getting together with fun friends, and making time for the activities you enjoy.

If something funny happens in your day or you hear a good joke, make a point to share it with others. This gives you the chance to laugh about it all over again.

When it is NOT appropriate to use humour in your marriage

Humour becomes unhealthy in a relationship when it is used for avoiding, rather than coping with, painful emotions.

If something is a real problem or issue, don’t use humour to cover up your true feelings about it. Talk over how you’re really feeling with your spouse, as humour won’t actually solve the problem.

Also, as mentioned above, humour can be harmful when people aren’t both in on the joke. Make sure than your spouse will actually find what you say funny (and not offensive) before you say it.

The ability to laugh and let your guard down together has amazing healing power for your marital relationship and your personal wellbeing. Don’t let the gift of humour go to waste.

Brooke Ryan

Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Part of being so closely connected to someone through the bonds of marriage means that the thoughts, feelings, and dreams of each spouse literally start to become intertwined.

It is inevitable that our own self-views will become affected by how our partners see us, and thus it is possible for our partners to either boost or reduce our feelings of self-worth.

And there is nothing more saddening than to see a great person become less and less self-confident due to being continuously brought down by a cold and diminishing relationship partner.

On the other hand though, there is nothing more inspiring than seeing a couple who always boost each other up and bring out the best in each other.

Which brings us to the key ingredient for a healthy marriage: mutual respect.

One of the most common reasons behind marital conflict and dissatisfaction is when someone is feeling a lack of respect from their spouse. This was shown in a recent survey where over 40% of men felt unappreciated by their significant others or families, and this had a marked impact on their happiness in their relationships.

Showing your respect is a really clear way of communicating your love to your spouse, and enabling them to grow as a person.

For your spouse to feel loved and worthy as a person, they need to feel respected by you.

We all have insecurities, especially when it comes to things such as our appearance, job, and social life. When we feel our partner does not respect us, this can bring all these insecurities to the surface.

And if you are not feeling respected at home, chances are you will struggle to feel respected by others in your life, and things like your work performance may start to take a hit.

By choosing to either show respect or disrespect to your spouse, you have the power to either confirm or deny their inner fears.

You may think that you already do respect your spouse. But be wary that there may be times where you are showing your spouse disrespect without even being aware of it, no matter how much you love them.

And also be aware that this alone could be the main source of tension and conflicts in your marriage.

The hard thing is, your spouse is unlikely to actually tell you outright that what they are feeling is a lack of respect from you. Instead, they may show this in a range of behaviours and emotions, including:

– Withdrawal
– Outbursts of anger
– Stony silence
– Signs of resentment
– Feelings of humiliation and embarrassment
– Crying

Let’s look at how you can consciously avoid disrespecting your spouse, and instead start showing them your respect (and your love) in a big way.

1. Trust your spouse’s judgment

Trusting our spouse’s judgment is a very clear way of showing them our respect.

This is all about affirming your spouse’s views and decisions without questioning or criticising them. This means taking things into perspective and letting the odd thing slide – will it really matter if the way they have suggested is just a little more complicated than your way?

Unfortunately, all too often we tend to question our spouse’s decisions or opinions without even realising we’re doing it. We may think we are being helpful in offering an alternative or asking our spouse to explain their reasoning, but really what we are doing is deflating their ego and filling them with self-doubt.

Always assume that your spouse is doing things for the best reasons, rather than jumping straight to the critique. Remember, we all make mistakes.

How often do you use these (or similar) phrases in your marriage?

“I trust you”
“You’re right”
“That does sound like the best way”

Chances are, we could all do with using these a bit more often with our spouses.

Of course, if you do strongly disagree with a judgment-call of your partner’s, you have every right to voice your opinion and suggest an alternative. Just try and treat their ego as gently as you can while you do this, and make sure it is when the two of you are alone, rather than in front of an audience.

2. Accept and ask for their help and input

A great way of showing your spouse that you respect and value their input is by asking for their help and advice.

Although we often want to get things done by ourselves, it can actually be really nice to have the perspective of someone else every once in a while.

Especially in a relationship when the outcome of decisions often affects both partners, it is important to try not to leap into decisions by yourself. Give your spouse a chance to give you their input.

“Hey babe, I could really use your help on figuring out what I can do about (fill in your problem here). What do you think about it?”

Obviously, some of our day-to-day decisions do not require our spouse’s input. But try making a conscious effort to include your spouse more in your problem-solving and decision-making from now on.

Helping you and being considered will make your spouse feel good, and should really boost feelings of closeness in your relationship.

3. Show your appreciation

“Thank you so much for doing that, honey. I really appreciate it.”

A simple ‘thank you’ can do so much in making your spouse feel worthy and valued. Better yet, it will encourage your spouse to continue to do these things in future.

Of course, there are multiple ways you can show your appreciation. A hug, kiss, or massage will also go a long way in making them feel appreciated.

4. Acknowledge your spouse’s achievements

It is really important to recognise and celebrate our spouses’ achievements, no matter how big or small.
Focus on acknowledging and rewarding the things they have done well, rather than criticising anything they haven’t done.

Saying “I’m proud of you” goes a long way in making your spouse feel special and valued.

5. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS show public respect

People are generally pretty good at picking up on the vibes between a couple in social situations.

Have you ever had the horrible experience of being witness to a married couple where one spouse obviously has complete control over the other, and is making their spouse appear completely weak and helpless by belittling them in front of everyone?

The spouse that is being belittled is bound to find this excruciatingly humiliating, but feels powerless to regain their social standing and self-respect without their spouse starting to show respect for them first.

Please always be aware that there is nothing that will cut your spouse more deeply than being criticised or belittled by you in front of their friends, family, or workmates. Even that light teasing you think is funny might actually feel really humiliating for your spouse – always look out for signs they might be feeling uncomfortable.

If you disagree with anything your spouse does or says in public, they will really appreciate it if you save any constructive criticism for later when you’re alone.

There is nothing that will make your spouse feel more loved than publicly displaying your respect and appreciation for them.

Show your respect by telling others about your spouse’s achievements, or making references to what a great husband/wife/parent they are. Your spouse may try to downplay this or show a little embarrassment, but on the inside you can be sure they will be beaming.

Brooke Ryan

Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

I want you to think of your marriage as being like the human body.

Sometimes we feel healthy and at our peak, sometimes we feel worn down and tired, sometimes we get hurt, and sometimes we get sick.

Sometimes we die.

But every day we are doing our best to keep ourselves alive and healthy, and prevent sickness and pain. Because we want to be able to live our lives to the full.

And how we look after our bodies is not so different to what we need to do to maintain a healthy marriage.
Do YOU want to keep your marriage alive?

Recognising when your marriage is functioning well

There are many things that indicate to us that our bodies are in good condition.

We have energy, we are generally happy and positive about life, and we can do most of the physical things we want to do.

How do you recognise when things are going well in your marriage?

How are you feeling? What are you doing? What are you not doing?

Physically, many indicators may be the same. For example, both having energy and being generally happy and positive about life.

Other indicators may be that you are having a satisfying sex life, you are feeling loved and valued by your spouse, you are spending regular quality time together, and you are able to communicate and solve problems effectively.

All marriages are different, and therefore it’s no use comparing your marriage to others. But it is really important to know how it feels when YOUR marriage is healthy, and to be always be aiming to get back to this point if it gets off track.

Nurturing your marriage

Think of all the things we do to nurture our bodies every day.

We eat food to give us strength, drink water to hydrate, sleep to revitalize, and exercise to maintain our fitness. We will all have many other specific things we do to maintain our appearance and health.

And sometimes in order to do this, we have to make small sacrifices. For example, trading ice cream for an apple as dessert, a night out for a good nights sleep, a sleep in for a workout at the gym.

Other times, we give in to these temptations, and our health suffers as a result.

Just like the body, your marriage needs to be nurtured in order to stay healthy. Except what your marriage needs is to be fed with is love, trust, communication, and commitment.

Like the body, this also sometimes involves making sacrifices.

For example, going to your spouse’s boring work do instead of having a night with your friends, looking after the children so your spouse can get work done, choosing not to buy that thing you really want because you’re saving for a house deposit.

As soon as we stop doing these things to nurture our marriage, our marital health starts to decline.

Looking out for signs of illness

We can usually tell pretty quickly when something is not right with our body.

We might have a sore throat, no energy, a headache, and blocked sinuses. This would be a pretty good indication that we have a cold or flu.

In your marriage, there are also signs that things might be getting unhealthy. It might take a bit longer to pick up on the signs, especially when you’re caught up in day-to-day life, but they are definitely there.

Perhaps you’ve been fighting more than usual lately, have been spending more time apart, and your sex life has declined.

Maybe you just never really feel truly happy these days.

These are all signs of illness in your marriage.

Treating symptoms

When we have a bad cold, we don’t just ignore it and keep going. We give our body what it needs to get better. Throat medicine, lemon and honey drinks, rest, sleep, and Tylenol.

When there are signs of illness in our marriage, we also need to treat these so that we can rebuild the connection with our spouse.

Perhaps you might look at the way you have been fighting lately and decide to actively try to approach issues in a calmer, more positive way, to reduce feelings of negativity and get problems resolved more effectively.

You might organise a babysitting so that you and your spouse can have a night of quality time together, to try and reconnect.

Or you might decide to make sex more of a priority, and try to spice things up a bit add if things have been a bit flat for a while.

Taking sick days

When we are ill, we often need to take time off work to recover.

Just like the body needs rest, you also need the occasional break from your spouse and family to have quality time to yourself. So you can come back refreshed, calmer and with a clearer head.

When we’re tired, stressed and burnt out, are interactions tend to get more negative and we have less control over our emotional reactions.

We’re not superhuman.

Perhaps you really just some time off from family life right now. Try communicating this with your spouse in a positive way, and organise to go away for a day or weekend either alone or with friends, when it suits. Allow your spouse the same opportunity.

Allowing each other this time apart is a special gift which will only bring you closer.

Please note that by suggesting taking time apart, we are not recommending that either you or your spouse move out of your home for an extended period of time.

Even if you are having serious troubles, having one of you move out is only going to reduce the chances of reconciliation. If you want to keep working on your marriage, take a short period of time away, but make it clear that you will be coming home at the end of this.

Making a doctor’s appointment

You’ve tried everything to make the cold go away, but it’s a week down the track and nothing has worked. Your next step is to call the doctor to make an appointment, so that they can help.

The same principle applies to your marriage – you just may be calling a different type of doctor.

If you and your spouse have tried to work through your problems but still seem to be getting nowhere, it’s time to get some outside help.

Counselling will be able to give you a fresh perspective on your marriage issues, and allow you to work through these in a safe and nurturing environment.

Like antibiotics, it may take a while before progress shows. But if you do give it time and effort, counselling will really help your marriage. What is needed her is willingness from both yourself and your spouse to try.

I hope this has helped to give you a fresh perspective on what your marriage needs in order to stay healthy.

Brooke Ryan,
Author
SaveMyMarriageToday.com