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Welcome to my Save My Marriage Today Newsletter Series! If you are looking for effective, powerful tips and techniques to save your marriage from the verge of divorce and rebuild the love that you both once had - even if your partner doesn't want to - then read on!
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Amy Waterman
co-author of Save My Marriage Today!
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Is Your Marriage Capable of Love?
By Andrew Rusbatch
We all have our own concept of love. Love might mean different things to different people. To some, love is care, to some it is concern, and to some others it is compassion.
Whatever ideas one might have about love, you will agree that to be able to love someone we should be able to devote our energy and time to those we love. It is more so in a marriage.
Can you imagine a marriage without love? A marriage without love would be meaningless and purposeless, a far cry from the dream so often poeticized on your wedding day. But for many a loveless marriage is a very real part of life, as love and devotion give way to the drudgery of time and complacency.
Without regular thought and consideration, the sex life begins to slide and before you are aware of it, your marriage seems more like a friendship than a meeting of two interconnected souls. The revelation comes one day and it suddenly seems that you no longer know how to love.
How did that happen? What does it take to develop a capability to love? It starts with you. You have to learn to love yourself first.
How does self-love help a marriage? When you love yourself and role in the relationship, you tend to change your attitudes and approach. Self-love is about recognizing that you are a good person, and that mistakes are opportunities for learning. Think of a mistake or a failure as an acceptance of the fact that you are only human, and change your focus to what you can learn, rather than focusing on the mistake itself.
Loving your imperfections, your mistakes, and yourself is a key part of being present in the relationship. Lowering the expectations you place upon yourself and others is an effective way of calming the relationship. Imperfection is okay. Love your imperfections. Laugh about them. Learn from them. Accept and love them.
Then extend this learning and love to your expectations of your partner.
There are certain abilities involved in the love you extend to your partner: You would listen to them with respect and without judgment, you would recognize their emotions and needs, you would freely express your feelings without fear or reservation, you would take their criticisms in constructive ways, and you would give both of you the opportunity and freedom to think and act in ways that does not harm your relationship in anyway.
When you are capable of showing the above qualities, a sense of deep intimacy is achieved between you and your spouse. You might have conflicts, because no two people can live without differences.
But these qualities will make both of you deal with conflicts in positive ways. You would handle your conflicts in a healthy way where you do not forego your own needs. This kind of freedom will build a stronger bond between the two of you. In fact conflicts make your relationship stronger.
How do you build your capability to love your spouse? To love your spouse in healthy ways, you can do the following:
- Learn to see your partner as a separate human being with valid emotions and needs in life.
- Do not be disturbed by differences. Celebrate the fact that you aren't married to your clone!
- Understand that he or she is a product of their life circumstances, just like you.
- Be more understanding and accept that their views are important to them as much as your views are important to you.
- In spite of differences of opinion, sometimes the greatest gain is in simply agreeing to disagree.
- Do not try to snatch their freedom. It is possible to be married and have individual time apart.
- Try not to have an attitude of winning at all costs. Your marriage is not a competition.
- Do not be demanding for attention or love. Let the love be a feeling that evolves because they want to love you, not because they feel they have to.
- There may be occasions in life when you may do things that challenge you, but you do them simply because you love your spouse. Self-sacrifice on occasions adds strength to your bonding.
Marriage is one knot that teaches the two of you to develop a mature, loving and self-less relationship. Saying you have a bad marriage, or blaming your bad marriage on your partner or the marriage itself is not enough.
Is your marriage capable of love? What are you doing to make your marriage loveable? Is it easy to love your partner? Is it easy for them to love you? These are the questions to ask.
Till next time.
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Amy Waterman
co-author of Save My Marriage Today!
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