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Rebuilding Love Through ActionsBy Andrew Rusbatch Talk is cheap. I get it a lot when people write to me about their marital issues, wanting desperately to find a way to get through to their partners and undo the damage that has already been done. In the midst of declarations of love, promises that things will be diffrent next time and that they really have changed, it is hard to have faith that the words are more than good intentions and empty promises. It seems that more and more we are looking for ways to convince each other that we do mean what we are saying, but do we back up our words with appropriate actions? I received an email from a client recently who was at pains to tell me about how hard he had tried to patch up the damage in his marriage, from pleading for forgiveness, so shifting out at her request, to telling her that he had changed and that she had to believe him. The problem is, she didn't believe him, and to be honest, neither did I. His actions during his period or marital crisis were deplorable, and I see this scenario played out before me many times over with other couples. Partners I have worked with in the past were really terrible to each other: they lied, they cheated, they got angry, they refused to help with raising and caring for their children, they blamed the other for their cheating, and that they never really loved their partners. The actions of these people, who commit adultery, lie and cheat, and deceive their partners, are things that can turn a functioning marriage upside-down. Yet strangely enough they want redemption! My advice? Let yourself be judged not by your words but by your actions. If your words are falling on deaf ears or you are struggling to find a way to communicate your regret or promises of change to your partner, consider how your actions are supporting this goal. Are you respectful of your partner's feelings? Do you acknowledge their right to feel hurt or distrustful? Do you acknowledge that redemption and forgiveness doesn't come overnight? Are your actions towards your partner that of a supportive friend or an angry lover? How is each action rebuilding trust in your relationship? Self awareness of how your actions are being received is a skill that I encourage you to build in my course. Take a step back. Breathe. Focus. Make every interaction with your partner as positive as possible. Even if you really hate your partner right now or it feels that they really hate you, do you remember a time when you were friends? Do you remember how it felt to simply be with one another and feel good? Think of every interaction as an opportunity to bring you both one step closer together. Even if it feels as though they don't want to be your friend right now, you can be the one that makes a little effort every day. In my course I outline small ways that you can show your love for your partner. It doesn't have to be grand gestures. It can be the smallest things, an extra cup of coffee made in the morning, some favorite muffins purchased, a note in your partner's lunch, a bar of chocolate or a favorite photo framed. The key to redemption is in putting the past behind you. It's not about promising the future is going to be different. It's about letting your actions guide you as you make the future happen, one day at a time.
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Amy Waterman
About "Save My Marriage Today" The "Save My Marriage Today" course is a comprehensive collection of marriage rebuilding tools designed to assist troubled couples in turning around the negative patterns of behavior that exist in their marriages. We have a range of experience with a large variety of problems among the members of the Save My Marriage Today team and have managed to help many couples in crisis turnaround their patterns of negative behavior. We have a range of life-changing e-books, and also have a new e-book specifically written for couples in extreme crisis. We also offer free access to personal consultations from a member of the "Save My Marriage Today" team. Visit www.savemymarriagetoday.com/course I am sure that we can help with any problem that you may have in your marriage. |
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