Control issues in your marriage

Do you often feel controlled by your spouse? Do you feel that your spouse has all of the power in your marriage, and that you are under their ‘command’?

An imbalance of control in a marriage is a major sign that the relationship is in ill-health.

Over-control is when one spouse (husband or wife) tries to make the other do things, think, or feel a certain way, rather than accepting the natural differences that exist between them.

When the controller’s husband or wife does not act as they wish, they bring about some type of punishment.
This punishment does not have to be physical. It can be emotional, mental, financial, or sexual.

When their spouse complies, the controller feels a sense of power and enjoyment. This emotional reward reinforces their controlling behavior.

In the meantime, the spouse being controlled becomes filled with resentment, fear and unhappiness.
If spouses do not have freedom and equal responsibility in a marriage because one person has all of the control, love will have no space to grow and will eventually die.

Warning signs of an unhealthy, controlling relationship:
- You feel afraid to express your opinions, wants or needs to your spouse
- Your spouse is extremely demanding and jealous
- Your spouse makes fun of your ideas when you do speak your mind
- Your spouse makes you feel guilty for having a life outside of the relationship
- You are afraid of your spouse’s temper and avoid doing anything to make him or her angry
- You find yourself making excuses for your spouse’s behavior to others
- Your friends and/or family have expressed concerns about your relationship
- Your spouse tries to control what you do and who you spend time with
- Your spouse has threatened to hurt or leave you
- You feel more free to be yourself when your spouse isn’t around

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, this is a sign that your marital relationship is unhealthy and changes need to be made.

Changing the power dynamics of your relationship will be hard, especially if this is the way things have been for some time. But it is not impossible – you CAN get back the love you once had with your spouse.

Why do people endure being controlled in relationships?
People crave respect, especially from those that they love. They want to be accepted by their spouse, and may go out of their way to try and earn their respect and acceptance.

This can fall into a vicious cycle; where the person being controlled is constantly trying to please their spouse and their spouse is continuously demanding more of them.

Although the ‘pleaser’ may start to resent their spouse’s controlling nature, by this stage they may be unwilling to confront or set boundaries with their spouse because they are too afraid of their spouse’s reaction and what it could do to the relationship.

Because confrontation and saying “No” is too hard, the person being controlled finds it easier to give in to the demands of their spouse.

Eventually, this becomes a routine.

What happens to a spouse who is being controlled?
When a person continuously has their opinions, values and needs de-valued, they gradually lose their sense of identity and self-respect.

Without any power in their relationship, they are left feeling helpless and insecure.

Eventually, a person being controlled by their spouse will usually hit a point of frustration that leads to defiance, resentment, and rebellion against their spouse.

When this goes on for a long time without anything changing or being worked out, this resentment can turn into hatred, which poisons the marriage and kills love between spouses.

Likewise, if a person keeps suffering in silence while waiting for a ‘miraculous’ change in their spouse, the situation will usually only get worse. In the worst case, they will become lost and never rediscover who they were.

If you want to save your marriage, you can't ALLOW your spouse to continue abusing you. Your spouse needs to experience the consequences of their behavior in order to change.

Become aware of any control-enabling behaviors
The truth is, by continuing to cater to the unreasonable demands of your controlling spouse, you are actually reinforcing and enabling their dysfunctional behavior.

Spending all of your time and energy trying to please your spouse while your own needs remain unmet is not doing you any favors. In fact, it will only cause you to lose self-respect and to become more resentful of your spouse.

Living in a ‘victim’ mindset is not going to help you either. Blaming your spouse does not make the problem go away, nor does it account for any of our own actions which may be contributing to it.

But by breaking free from the need to gain your spouse’s approval, you will also stop allowing yourself to be controlled.

Remember, YOU have power over your thoughts, desires, choices, attitudes, actions and reactions. You can make the CHOICE to stop feeling helpless and start taking some responsibility for what is happing in your marital relationship.

Continuing to suffer in silence is not love, nor is it a healthy way of life.

Why setting firm boundaries with your spouse is essential for the health of your marriage:
If you are feeling abused by your spouse’s controlling behavior, you need to stop enabling this behavior and instead set firm limits which will protect you and help to bring about change.

In order for your spouse to ‘wake up’ and realize what he or she is doing to your relationship, they need to start having CONSEQUENCES for their controlling behavior. Because until now, they may have been continuously getting away with it.

Setting boundaries is about telling our spouse where we stand, what we believe, what we like and don’t like, and what we want.

It lets your spouse know that you are in control of yourself and have your own individual needs – you are not living to serve them.

Even if what is happening is not your fault, you need to do what is in YOUR power to break this destructive cycle of control in your marriage. If you are waiting for your SPOUSE to change, you will never see any progress.

Remember, setting boundaries is NOT selfish. Nor is it a way of CONTROLLING, fixing or punishing your spouse.

Boundaries are not about stopping someone else’s behavior, they are about your own self-control, self-respect and taking ownership of your life.

Many people believe that being a good spouse means constantly putting your spouse’s needs before your own. But this is NOT the case - complying with what is going on for the sake of ‘peace’ is actually the OPPOSITE of love.

But by mustering the strength to set healthy boundaries with your spouse and have appropriate consequences if these are broken, yours chances of rekindling the love in your marriage are greatly increased.

How to set boundaries with a controlling spouse:
Words are the clearest way in which you can communicate your boundaries to your spouse.

When your spouse is making unreasonable demands of you or doing something you disagree with (such as trying to force his or her opinion on you or make you act in a certain way), you need to start using the word “No” – the clearest verbal boundary.

Don’t allow yourself to get caught up trying to explain yourself to your spouse, or engaging in explosive, abusive arguments.

Back your boundaries up with clear consequences - otherwise your spouse will find out that they can overstep them whenever they want to.

Keep the consequences appropriate to the behavior and remember that boundaries are about yourself, not about changing your spouse’s behavior.

So, for example, rather than saying to your spouse “You can’t speak to me that way” (which is controlling), you could say “If you speak to me in that way, I will walk out of the room. I will talk to you again once you have calmed down”.

This threat is completely enforceable because the only behavior it directs is the behavior of the person who is setting the boundary.

You can also use physical boundaries, such as putting distance between you and your spouse when you are feeling unsafe or need space to ‘cool down’ after an argument.

If you do put space between you and your spouse, just make sure that you come back and try to resolve the issue once you have both had a chance to calm down and gather your senses.

Otherwise, extended physical distance could add further harm to your marriage.

Note: If your spouse ever physically or sexually abuses you, you need to remove yourself from their presence and seek help IMMEDIATELY. This behavior is NOT okay and requires professional intervention.

Emotional distance is a boundary that you can use when you have been deeply hurt by your spouse, feel that you can’t safely trust them and need some space for your own protection.

However, it should be used only as a temporary measure that can prevent you from having any further hurt, until you are ready to confront your spouse and work things out.

It is important to clearly communicate to your spouse when you are taking spouse emotional ‘time-out’ and why.
For instance, saying things like; “I love you, but I don't trust you right now”, “I can't be close with you until we work this out”, “We can work on becoming close again, when you are serious about getting help.”

Although your spouse may react in an angry manner when you start setting limits with them (as they may not be used to this), stand your ground and stay true to yourself.

Be firm with your boundaries and follow through with the appropriate consequences if your spouse’s behavior gets out of hand.

Remember, by doing this you are actually HELPING your spouse and your relationship to grow. If you cave now, nothing is going to change and your connection to your spouse will slowly disintegrate.

When your spouse RESPECTS the boundaries you have set, engage with them and reinforce their positive behavior by saying “Thank you” and showing affection.

For instance, ‘Thank you for taking the time to listen to what I have to say”.

The power is in YOUR hands to stop enabling and start SAVING your marriage – are you going to use it?

Brooke Ryan,
Author.
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

3 comments on “Control issues in your marriage”

  1. This is so timely for me. Whenever I go golfing with my husband, he starts controlling me immediately. He criticizes and picks on me for everything I do. Eventually, by hole number nine his language turns foul and is a direct attack on me. This time I told him I would not golf with him again because he continues to act this way on the course. He tried to jump me to the punch by telling me he wouldn't golf with me if I criticize him about his golf cart driving (way too fast). Now he is pouting and giving me the silent treatment, which he does whenever I stick up for myself.

    It's too bad because golfing is just about the only thing we have in common, and we both enjoy it. However, by the time he puts me down so many times on almost every hole, I am so depressed I can barely function. I literally become almost catatonic from the emotional abuse. The resentment builds up to the point where I am not able to be friendly or communicate at all. The last time I kept going and tried to push through, forcing myself to give him compliments on his shots. I wish I had gone to the car at the turn like I had suggested. When we got home and he had had about four beers he said that he had three good flop shots that I didn't even notice! Whoa!

    Eventually we will go golfing again, as this has been going on for years. I just hope that I can set boundaries for myself and tell him that if he starts getting angry with me and putting me down, I am going to walk back to the clubhouse. Oh that would embarrass him so much to think that the manager/ owner found out he was not treating me right. Somehow I feel that this golf situation is an analogy of our marriage. This isn't the only area he tries to control me in. He puts me down for going to church and calls it a "social club". He calls me a hypocrite for going and calls me a "churcher". I still go, despite years of his ridicule,because I am not willing to walk away from all the good relationships I have developed there. I could count on any one of those people to help me out if I needed it.

    I have been out of work for almost five months, which is putting a bigger strain on our relationship then normal. I can't afford to buy the program right now, but I really appreciate your blog and emails. I want to share this one with my friend whose husband knocked her down and she didn't leave. She's going through a terrible time right now and is trying to learn how to deal with a controlling husband. Thanks for listening.

  2. Wow, this was a powerful eye opener! Thank you for the sharing the blog. I am on the controllER side. Do you have any more advice for this side of the issue? I realize how unhealthy it is and the damage it causes and would like to work on 'fixing it.

  3. Hi there, I did and try everything that you mention but seems it doesn't work with my husband so was thinking to get divorce now.

Recent Posts
"The biggest benefit I have gained from “Save My Marriage Today” was perspective. There were so many lessons about how to look at what was happening in my life from a different angle. I needed clarity and hope and “Save My Marriage Today” gave me that. They used practical tips and things that I could really work on to be proactive in salvaging my relationship with my husband. The true examples from real people gave me insight that you can really survive an affair! This web site is different from many others in that the focus of the “advice” and help really reflects the name ---- “Save My Marriage Today.” Other web sites may not have that as a goal, but the salvation of my marriage was definitely what I was looking for."

-- Rhonda K. (Cottageville, SC)*
"Save My Marriage was very instrumental in helping my husband and myself understand each other by learning to communicate love words, to respect each others space, and to speak up when annoyed and not harbor anger. We were on the verge of divorce, thinking there was no way to repair the damage. Save My Marriage was a God send and we thank you so very much. After years of misgivings we are happy that we joined Save My Marriage and we worked it out and stayed together. We will celebrate our 27th anniversary this year!"

-- Fred and Maureen B.
(Putnam Valley, NY) *
"Since I began reading your Save My Marriage Today newsletters I am changed and I have also given him some newsletters to go through. He has also improved. Thanks so much for your advice and help! Our relationship has made some great breakthroughs and we are soon getting married! After reading your articles we are now in love again and we do as much as we can to create quality time for one another."

--Maureen M.
(Kakamega, Kenya)*
"Save My Marriage Today put it together for me, it made sense and got me to slow down, live in the moment and think about what is really important and how I can achieve it. The weekly bonus emails are great too because they remind me to stay focused and cover new topics I might not have thought about or realized. It takes work and it’s the biggest thing I’ve ever been through but with the right tools I know I can do it"

-- Brett P. (Longmount, CO)*
"Im glad I came across your Save My Marriage Today website. The situations and solutions presented are real, practical and simple to implement. Other websites painted a picture that marriage should be absolutely perfect and have no problems but we all know that's impossible to achieve. However your website has shown me that marriage needs work and a change in certain attitudes and behaviors, and after that things are not as complicated as we like to think. Thanks Save My Marriage Today for a wonderful website and for helping me get my marriage back on track!"

-- Elsa K.
(Nelspruit, South Africa) *
"I found the Save My Marriage Today articles to be very helpful and insightful, and there were times that I thought there was a spy in our home as the articles were so personally related.

We have gone from "I should divorce you" to "Maybe I will keep you around for another 30 years." Marriage is hard work and if you have the right tools and are willing to work with them, you can make it last forever. I think my wife and I are soulmates and I think I would be completely lost without her."

-- Robert and Joanne H.
(Powell River, BC, Canada) *
"My marriage is experiencing a tremendous transformation. I, on behalf of my wife am very grateful to "Save My Marriage Today" for practically saving ours. What makes "Save My Marriage Today"different from other sites is that it is very simple and practicable to even a layman's understanding."

-- Inemobong U.
(Akwa Ibom, Nigeria) *
"My relationship with my husband had been going downhill for far too long, and I purchased your book in a desperate bid to fix things. After reading your info I discovered that I had been guilty of a number of the things that you identified as being warning signs of a problem marriage. I've been following your methods for remedying the situation, and I have been staggered by the success. Our marriage is now well on its way to becoming better than it ever was before and I can see us being happily married forever now. My eternal thanks!

-- Mary Evans, (Seattle, WA) *
"I found the biggest benefit from Save My Marriage Today was that you are educators in life, love, and happiness and that someone out there is human and understands the demands of the common family in society today, including struggles with money, intimacy, and your life not just your marriage.

I have spent countless dollars trying to get help and was sadly disappointed in all until now with you.. Save My Marriage Today has been a blessing to our family and we all thank you."

-- Doug M. (Davie, Florida) *
"I've been married to my wife for 15 years now and I was at a total loss as to what was going wrong with our marriage. She just seemed to stop loving me. Thanks to your book, I've totally changed the way I approach the situation, it was not easy, but during the last three months, the turn around in our relationship has been simply amazing! And her friends are a lot more supportive of our marriage too... I am so grateful!"

-- Steven Kitchen, Edmonton, Canada*
Disclaimer: This information is not designed to replace the advice of a registered relationship counselor. While SaveMyMarriageToday endeavors to provide helpful and workable advice for dating and relationships, face-to-face consultations with a registered professional are still recommended. Information contained on this website is provided 'as is,' without warranty of any kind. The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the information is assumed by the user, and in no event shall SaveMyMarriageToday be liable for any consequential, incidental or direct damages suffered in the course of using the information on this website. The information and recommendations are intended as an informative guide only and do not guarantee any kind of success or permanent fix. Results may vary.

© 2020 SaveMyMarriageToday.com All Rights Reserved. "SaveMyMarriageToday" are trademarks used by Unica Publications. By entering, you agree to our terms and conditions. By entering your email address you are also requesting and agreeing to subscribe to our free email newsletter. You must be 18 or older to enter.To contact support use the Contact Us link above.
bars