Category: Live

I’m continually astounded at the lengths couples go to in their quest to hurt each other. Most of the people who are looking through this blog are thankfully committed on some level to changing their patterns of behavior, but in thinking about the number of people who contact me in times of crisis, it leads me to wonder…

What is going on in our relationships that we leave it so long before we fix it?
Is it lack of awareness that there is a problem?
Is it the thought that this is what all relationships go through?
Is it a lack of skills to deal with the problem?
Or is it apathy to the situation you are in? Does it all look too hard?

When couples get married, there is often the romantic illusion that you will “live happily ever after”, much like the role models of healthy marriages do. Nobody ever told us how hard marriages might be, much less equipped us with the knowledge and skills to deal with crises as they came up.

And there are crises. In every marriage. Don’t delude yourself that some couples live in wedded bliss their entire lives, and even if couples like this did exist, would you really want to be one of them? The thought of marrying a clone of myself would give me chills, so marrying someone different to oneself is logical, but bound to lead to differences from time to time. The problem here is that a little difference is good, but how much difference are we prepared to put up with? 

My thought here is that marriage problems are left to develop for such a long time because people look at the problem and the thought of making an effort to fix it just seems too much. Its so much easier to dig your heels in and have a good fight. And that is where it all goes wrong. Action sparks reaction, and vice versa, and a seemingly small problem can balloon into something of mammoth proportions. Scary huh?

Some of it can be denial too. Sure, you say, its a normal part of marital ups and downs. To call it a marriage problem or an issue is to make something of it that it isn’t. Worse still, calling it a problem can indicate to others, or more particularly yourself, that your match is not one made in heaven. So when does a wee problem stop being a regular part of life and become a “marital problem”?

That’s easy. When emotions become involved. Emotions are powerful things! And it is perhaps because we are so emotionally invested in our relationships that it is hard to admit that a small problem has become a “marital issue” To admit that you have a “marital issue” can bring up some scary connotations or images. Fighting couples, sleeping in the spare room, separation or… divorce.

So what do we do about it? Do we pretend it’s not happening and hope it will go away? That’s pretty wishful thinking. So the key to dealing with marital problems is to recognize them as such and have the motivation and courage to want to tackle them. It’s not always the most pleasant thing, especially when emotions are involved and solving your problems might involve hurting the feelings of the one you love. It might also involve hurting your feelings.

But why do you want to solve your problems? Because you can see past the immediate struggle, hurt and turbulence and see the calm waters in the distance. You also want to solve your problems because you love your partner. Yes, you LOVE your partner. That’s what makes the heartache and the struggle of marital conflicts worthwhile.

So next time you encounter a bump in the road to marital bliss, reach down to that place inside you and let your love for your partner give you the strength to face your problems instead of letting apathy win.

When it comes to making a marriage work, we often make the assumption that it takes two.  Marriage counseling is usually most effective when both partners attend.  If one partner is resistant to change and believes that there’s nothing wrong with how things are, healing the marriage will be a greater challenge.

That is why I was so excited to read Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages.  He gives us a concrete technique that we can use to give our relationship one last, fighting chance … even if our partner refuses to try to work on the marriage.

Dr. Chapman developed the technique for a patient who was in dire need of counsel.  By this stage in her marriage, the patient hated her husband.  He criticized and belittled her.  He told her that everything that was wrong in the marriage was her fault.  Their marriage was dead in everything but name.

The patient refused to give up hope, however.  She asked Dr. Chapman, “Is it possible to love someone you hate?”

The answer was yes.

Dr. Chapman reached deep into his experience as a marriage counselor, husband, and a Christian to develop a program that his patient could use to save her marriage.

Dr. Chapman believes that when we give love to our partner in their own native “love language,” we fill their basic human need to be loved.  When we fill a person’s need to be loved, that person will tend to respond warmly back to us.  It is hard to hate someone who makes you feel loved.

He outlined a six-month program for his patient.  And in those six months, a miracle happened.  The patient’s husband began to feel loved by his wife, and in response he began to act spontaneously in loving ways.  Their marriage was reborn.

Will Dr. Chapman’s program work for you?  Read The Five Love Languages and find out.

I can promise you that it will give you a new perspective on how you relate to your partner.  I know that it changed me.  After I finished Dr. Chapman’s book, I sat stunned.  I thought of all my past relationships.  Was it possible that even though I thought I was showing my partner love, I wasn’t showing it in a way that he understood?

It was a humbling experience.  I’d thought that all I needed to know was the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus stuff (albeit in the more “sophisticated” form of Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps ).

Yes, men experience and respond to being a relationship differently than women.  But both men and women alike respond to acts of love and express love in different ways.  Dr. Chapman’s genius lies in identifying those ways and showing us how to express love to our partner in the way that will mean most to him or her.

For Dr. Chapman, the “miracle worker” that saved his patient’s marriage wasn’t him.

The biggest miracle worker of all is love.