Author: Amy Waterman

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What If Your Spouse Is NOT On Board With The Relationship?

Among the numerous consultations we handle daily, one of the most common cases we get is wherein one of the spouses is absent in the relationship.

This could be caused by a general feeling of disillusionment with the marriage or exasperation over a partner’s behavior.  Whether one of them has moved out or is still there but acting very distant, it’s difficult for the other person to deal with this change in their marriage.

And so the usual problem is that the partner who wants to make things work becomes frustrated from the their spouse’s lack of interest in saving their marriage.

Then, the struggling spouse begins to entertain thoughts of hopelessness and the desire to throw in the towel.

However, just because the frustrated spouse may have these cataclysmic feelings, it doesn’t mean they have to let it fester in their consciousness.  When a certain type of emotion is nurtured, there’s a tendency for it to snowball and gather critical mass.

If you’re going through this situation, read on…

Regaining Your Personal Power

The negative thoughts swirling in your head can ATTRACT similar thoughts until you develop a crippling mindset which will taint your outlook with hopelessness.  Don’t give in to this pattern – acknowledge your emotions for what they are and move on to a constructive course of action.

Remember, the mind is capable of exaggerating your worst fears; don’t let it play tricks on you.  As powerless as you might feel, you can regain control of your emotions by realizing that you have the power to feed an emotion or DISMISS it.

While you don’t have total control over the circumstances in your life (such as an estranged spouse), you’ll always have control over your reactions to them.  Empowering yourself with this important truth is the first step to improving your marriage – along with your life in general.

Start by transforming yourself.  A happy, positive and loving person attracts people and inspires change in them – even if might take some time.

If your spouse doesn’t want to be on-board with the relationship, that is their choice.  He or she needs to realize their accountability in the relationship and how they’ve contributed to the state of your marriage.

In case your spouse refuses to see a counselor, go ahead and set up an appointment for yourself anyway.  At the very least, a trained professional will allow you to vent your emotions and process them constructively (as opposed to sulking).

A specialist will also help you focus on the core issues that are troubling your marriage so that you don’t develop a narrow-minded view of your situation.

Get Validation From Your Life, Not Just Your Marriage

Furthermore, tap into the areas of your life so that your troubled marriage doesn’t make you feel that you’re lacking in some way.  Create a support system by reconnecting with family members and old friends.  They can give you a different perspective on your situation and give you the strength to carry on in spite of the challenges you face.

Indulge in your passions and get involved in a cause or hobby that’s close to your heart.  In a trying time such as this, it’s important to become whole by getting reacquainted with yourself.

Some of your individuality might have faded into the relationship – now is the time to regain the qualities which make you unique.

By asserting your independence, you’ll become happier with who you are and less needy.  This is the kind of person your spouse will want to come home to.

Paradoxically, taking this opportunity to do your own thing will bring your spouse closer to you and remind them of the person they married.

A Change Of Heart

Eventually, he or she will open their heart to you once more and allow you a chance to reconnect.  Sometimes, a person needs to know exactly what they stand to lose (i.e. you) before they realize that they need to stop taking it for granted.

Regardless of whatever happens to you, remember that you’ll always have to take care of yourself.  How can you be there for the people in your life if you neglect your well-being?  Though the path is strewn with frustrating setbacks, you will come out of your ordeal as a wiser and stronger person.

As you become the best version of yourself, you’ll rebuild the friendship you share with your spouse.  Ultimately, you’ll accept each other for who you are and develop a deeper, more profound love in your marriage.

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Some Thoughts On Dealing With Your In-Laws

In many marriages, the peaceful union between husband and wife is disrupted by clashes with the in-laws.  As much as a spouse would like for everyone to get along, disagreements with partner’s family will break out for one reason or another.

More often than not, these fundamental differences in opinion can seriously get in the way of a marriage’s growth.  It’s disheartening for many to marry a wonderful partner, only to get more than they bargained for.

This is especially true if the partners come from vastly different backgrounds.  There’s a bigger chance for there to be a significant difference in values, beliefs and culture.

As a result, certain families may not feel all that comfortable that their loved one married someone who seems so different from them.  Worse, underlying feelings of suspicion and hostility may even develop over time.

Paul, a freelance web designer and graphic artist from Seattle, knew this reality all too well.  “My wife’s parents are a bit old-fashioned, so at first they couldn’t fully appreciate – let alone understand – the nature of my work.”

What worried Paul’s in-laws so much is that he didn’t work in a traditional office like the rest of his wife’s family.  “They were kind of freaked out that I wasn’t getting a steady paycheck…they didn’t know that I was actually making more than enough to support myself, their daughter and our future children,” Paul added.

On top of these factors, it could also be that the in-laws are having a hard time letting their child go.  The lifelong bond that parents share with their children can make it hard for them to accept that their child now has a family of their own.

Most of the time, in-law related disputes boil down to a failure to embrace change.  Chances are you were not the same person you were a decade ago.  This applies to everyone as well because major milestones in our lives can change us in many ways.

When these life-changing transitions are met with resistance, it causes disharmony among people, especially in an emotionally-sensitive context such as marriage.

So the most important step to striking middle ground with your in-laws is to understand where each of you is coming from.  As discussed earlier, some in-laws feel threatened by an outsider coming into the family.  The irrational fear of having their loved one “taken away” from them could be overriding their better judgment.

However, you also need to consider your own position.  If you’re not getting along with your in-laws, you probably feel that your own values are under attack in the face of their criticism.  It’s perfectly natural to react defensively to a perceived threat.

But at the end of the day, these are merely PERCEPTIONS which are pre-empted by fear; this is what fuels the cycle of negativity.  Furthermore, it’s likely that you and your in-laws have different ideas of what’s best for your spouse, thus causing all the drama.

But try to look at it this way: if there’s one thing you have in common with your spouse’s family, it’s that all of you want to be there for your partner.

Let that thought be present in your mind as you deal with your in-laws. Try to remember that they’re so worked up because like you, they care so fiercely for your spouse.

When you take an objective look at both sides of the story, you’ll have a better appreciation of the bigger picture.  This new perspective will help plant the seeds of empathy which will blossom into mutual understanding.

Of course, your partner also needs to understand your own sentiments.  Let him or her relay to their family that they should let your spouse live his or her life. After all, they are guests in your marriage (as opposed to the ones “running the show”).

All in all, your empathy and your spouse’s support will help both sides arrive at a compromise – or at the very least, agree to disagree on some key issues.  Eventually, mutual respect will flourish and you can enjoy a smoother marriage with your spouse.

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A Quick Guide To Picking Up The Pieces After Infidelity

It’s very difficult for someone to be betrayed by another person they’ve trusted the most. The easiest thing to do is to break down and cry when your spouse finds love somewhere else.

However, it is always up to you how you’ll handle yourself in this difficult situation. You can choose to file a divorce or you can stop and think on what happened and strive hard to find a win-win solution.

If you want to move forward and win against infidelity, the best thing to do is to pull yourself together and take control of your emotions. Allow yourself to hurt but not to the point of being irrational.

Based on our studies, most cases of infidelity often lead to separation or divorce. Many couples choose to end their marriage instead of rebuilding their trust with one another. Of course, a little amount of space is needed to give oneself a breather but any decision that emanates from hurt and anger will not always be the best for all.

Finding out about your partner’s infidelity is a very painful experience. It’s as if your heart was ripped off your chest. One can be so overwhelmed with emotions that they end up confused.

However, it’s vital to always look at the big picture. There is always a reason for any action. Finding out what cause the affair and where you want to go from there is a big decision that you and your spouse should talk about.

Perhaps you just didn’t notice that your marriage already have problems which led to your spouse looking someplace else just to fulfill his or her needs. Although it might be very difficult, but a great amount of understanding is needed in order to combat the hurt caused by infidelity.

Rather than screaming, shouting and blaming your partner, you should always keep in mind that being tactful is essential. Always think before you speak. If you need to vent, find a mature person you can talk to.

He or she can listen to you and help you make the load a bit lighter. Letting go, acceptance and forgiveness are the three things you can do in order to win against infidelity and rebuild your marriage in the process.

If you are the unfaithful spouse, you should be ready to do everything in order to regain the broken trust. Cut your ties with the other party and be sincere and honest with your partner. Do whatever it takes to regain your spouse’s love, respect, and trust.

Work with your spouse to make yourselves whole again. As it is, any relationship composed of broken people will eventually lose meaning and fall apart. It is also important not to rely on your spouse for happiness.

Regain your individuality and you’ll surely be a better person.  Find out what’s wrong with your relationship and work on it.  Focus on healing even if you need to separate temporarily with your spouse.  There is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to winning against infidelity but with patience, maturity and forgiveness, you’ll be able to live a happy life despite what happened.

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Seeing Your Marriage Through The Eyes of A Car Mechanic

If you’ve ever owned a car for some time, you’ve probably had it repaired for some reason.

Just recently, I had problems with my own ride.  I was in a rush last week to leave for an appointment when the engine refused to start.  Flustered, I struggled with it for almost half an hour until I gave up and took a cab instead.

When I took my car to the shop that weekend, the mechanic told me that the culprit was a busted fuel filter which I should have replaced two months ago.

After they got my car up and running again, my trusty mechanic gave me a piece of advice: “Instead of waiting for something to break down, save yourself some trouble and bring in your car for regular check-ups, OK?”

I couldn’t disagree; instead of taking the time to make a minor change, I ended up spending more than I should have.

Going home, a thought occurred to me.  In many ways, relationships – especially marriages – work in the same manner.  Keeping the machinery of your relationship running smoothly is a daily, on-going priority.

With the essential tips below, you can save yourselves a trip to the junkyard of broken-down marriages (a.k.a. divorce):

#1:  Get A Life (Outside Of Your Marriage):

Although spending time together is crucial (as we covered in the last article), it’s just as important to have some time away from your spouse as well.

Even if you’re committed to each other for life, it’s ok NOT to be together ALL the time.  In fact, we recommend that you find the time to go off and pursue your individual passions.

Don’t forget that your individual personalities make you click as a couple.  If your individuality fades into the relationship, it will have a negative impact on your marriage.

In time, both of you might end up thinking, “Where was the fun, unique person I married?”  This is one of the things that can diminish the spark in your relationship.

Having common interests is fine, but for the sake of your sanity you should also have your own hobbies – especially those that you had BEFORE becoming a couple.

No couple is expected to spend every second of their lives together.  If you don’t want to end up at each other’s throats, you need to take the occasional break.

This helps maintain the identity which your spouse fell in love with in the first place.  Growth outside of relationship is actually necessary to preserving the mutual fondness within the relationship.

However, don’t shut each other out when you attend to your respective interests.  At the end of the day, let your spouse know what you’ve been up to.

In the long run, it’s enormously beneficial to create the opportunity to miss each other.  After you’ve given yourselves enough “me time”, you’ll be excited to come home and share your individual experiences with your spouse.

Tip #3: Take care of yourself

As the cliché goes, the only thing permanent in this world is change.  No matter how advanced technology gets, our bodies change and getting older is inevitable.

This means issues like weight gain, illnesses and overall health maintenance are everyone’s concern.  This is why it’s your responsibility to look out for your well-being all throughout your life.

We can do plenty to keep ourselves looking and feeling good.  Regular exercise, eating right, wearing the right clothes for you and finding ways to de-stress are some of the basics to keep yourself in great shape, inside-out.

On two levels, your spouse will appreciate the fact that your appearance and health is important to you.  First, looking good for your partner will rekindle his or her attraction for you.  Also, staying healthy and happy means you’re more capable of taking care of your family.

When you treat yourself with value, it improves your general outlook on life as well as your marriage and loved ones.  You’ll be much more pleasant to be around and the positive vibes will have a good impact on the household.

Tip #4:  Respect each other

In the heat of an argument, it’s tempting for anyone to raise their voice or use hurtful words to get even.  While we’re well aware that this is a big marriage no-no, our anger can get the best of us and cause to lose respect for our spouse.

To help you maintain the level of respect during a disagreement, try to remember that the point of arguing is NOT to attack each other’s character.  Rather, the objective to get both sides of the story on the table and use that to reach a compromise – or at the very least, agree to disagree.

If you can’t help yourself from criticizing your partner, stick to the tips we discussed in my previous post (review #3 in particular).

Contrary to what you might think, there is such a thing as constructive criticism!  It all boils down to which points to focus on and how to frame your statements as objectively as possible.

Don’t underestimate the power of words.  The right ones can help you arrive at a compromise, while the wrong ones may cause emotional wounds and breed contempt.

When in doubt, take a second to ask yourself: “Would I still say it if I WASN’T angry?”

The Long Road Ahead

Habits – or actions we do repeatedly – are what define us as individuals.  The same can be said about a couple, and their relationship in particular.

Wouldn’t it make sense to PREVENT problems before they occur?  If you knew one of your car’s tires had a slow leak, would you keep on driving until you ran a flat?

Your marriage is like that in many ways.  Though you might not be able to see 10 or 20 years down the road, a habit of pro-active maintenance ensures your marriage will still be in good shape when that time comes.

Your present marital habits are an investment for the future of your marriage – which ones will YOU practice today?

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The Two Sneakiest Marriage Problems To Watch Out For

Among the many couples who’ve consulted with us, we’ve come across two common problems that they fight about the most.  To the passing eye, these everyday problems aren’t threatening – but any couple should know better than to ignore them.

Just because they’re common, it doesn’t mean you should take them for granted. They can slip under the radar and slowly eat away at the foundations of your relationship.

Before you know it, it will be too late to reverse the damage they have caused.  Identifying them as early as now can help you deal with these sneaky threats as they try to slip into your marriage.

Money Matters

As mentioned earlier, some couples tend to dismiss certain problems as superficial.  But ignoring the long-term impact of fundamental disagreements is dangerous – especially those of the financial kind.

At the beginning of a marriage, it’s easy to sweep money matters under the rug.  From our experience however, we’ve seen this silent killer end more relationships than we’d care to count.

One of the most basic things that you should understand is that both you and your spouse came from different backgrounds.  On top of your upbringing, you should also factor in your individual experiences which have shaped your views on money (or life for that matter).

The typical scenario goes like this – in a given couple, one of the partners came from a family where money was tight.  Naturally, this makes him or her more frugal than the other partner who probably didn’t have to worry about money while growing up.

Obviously, these contrasting views are bound to clash when they come together in a marriage.  As these “little” disagreements go unprocessed, the negative feelings will gradually pile up.

(And as we’ve talked about in the past, letting the resentment overpower the affection in your marriage can cause it to go bankrupt.)

Be pro-active by having a proper discussion with your spouse as soon as you can in order to set things straight early on.

Start off by sharing your experiences with money as you were growing up.  You might think you already have your spouse figured out, but you’ll both be surprised by how much more you’ll learn about each other.

In fact, the couples we’ve helped are often shocked by just how polarized their opinions are when it comes to money.

Don’t fall into this trap – do the groundwork and brainstorm how to build a middle ground for your opposing views.

Once you’ve gained a better understanding of where the other is coming from, this becomes a starting point for accepting your differences.  In time, you’ll develop a more unified view on how money should be handled in the household.

(Side note: if you need help with coming up with a shared vision, there are a series of exercises in our “Save My Marriage Today” book which deals with goal-setting and other critical topics.)

Once you’ve sorted this out, you’ll save yourselves a ton of potential headaches and have a reasonably comfortable lifestyle.

Complacency

In the initial stages of a marriage, the level of passion is high; this is often called the “falling in love” stage of the relationship.

But when things have calmed down a bit and your marriage has settled into a routine, the “spark” naturally dims a little.  While this “reality check” phase is an expected part of the relationship’s life cycle, the danger of getting lazy can creep in if you allow it.

Maintenance is one of the most overlooked ingredients in a successful marriage.  After a year or two into your marriage, there will be moments when you don’t feel like making an effort, but this is NOT an excuse to be complacent.

Just because your level of enthusiasm has dipped a little, it doesn’t mean you should stop pleasing your partner.  Don’t give in to this feeling because pretty soon, you might not feel like doing anything at all for your spouse.

And when you reach that point, your relationship will be in the red.  Safeguard yourselves against taking each other for granted!

Show your spouse that you’re committed to keeping your marriage fun, fresh and energized – this is what will remind you why you got married in the first place.

As a couple, you have to make the effort to put the importance of spending quality time in your collective consciousness.  Given the hectic and demanding lifestyle you both lead, you’ll NEVER find time for each other unless you consciously decide to MAKE time.

If you value your relationship, don’t treat your dates as an afterthought.  Sit down with your partner and figure out a realistic schedule where you’ve deliberately added a slot for “we time”.

Here’s a quick guide to planning your dates:

a) Make a list of activities you enjoy as a couple.

b) Compare your schedules and figure out when you can do them.

c) Get a calendar (placed somewhere conspicuous) and block off your chosen days with a big red X!

Everyday life can get in the way of keeping the romance alive, but if there’s a will, there’s a way.

Hire a babysitter or get the grandparents to watch the kids.

Turn down a project or skip overtime if it’s not a matter of life and death.

In many ways, your schedules need to be built around your “we time”.  Otherwise, you could very well lose sight of what’s truly important in your marriage: each other.

Holding Down The Fort

Like a garden, your marriage is an emotional investment which has to be nurtured and kept safe from external threats.  By developing the foresight to deal with potential problems, you can stop them in their tracks before they set up camp in your relationship.

The end result is that your marriage will remain healthy and vibrant throughout the years.

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Three Ways to Beat Bankruptcy In Your Marriage

Previously, we discussed how to build up friendship in your marriage.  We called this your Love Bank and you can keep your account balance high by making specific types of deposits.

A healthy Love Bank has a good amount of friendship which you can use as “emotional currency” that you can spend during times of difficulty.

This time however, let’s focus on how certain behaviors can decrease the emotional capital of your marriage.  As with any bank account in real life, couples can also unwittingly make “withdrawals” from their Love Bank.   Here are the three biggest ones:

#1: Thinking That You’re Better Than Your Spouse

Many couples unconsciously develop the habit of zeroing in on each other’s mistakes and negative traits.  However, these negative perceptions never sprout during the start of a relationship – it takes time to nurture them.

At some point, they’ll start to take root in the mind and grow to maturity. Like a fruit-bearing plant, they’ll eventually produce other negative thoughts (e.g. disrespect, condescension) towards their partner.

If you want to counteract this process, make a conscious effort to plant the seeds of appreciation instead.

Self-awareness is crucial; when you feel your mind getting caught up in criticism, stop yourself.  Focus instead on the things you do like about your partner and the things they do for you.

Even a simple “thank you” and a peck on the cheek is already a step in the right direction.  In time, you’ll get used to being more and more vocal of your partner’s admirable traits.

When you make a habit of this, you’ll promote a positive atmosphere of mutual appreciation.  With such a system in place, it will prevent either of you from feeling superior to the other.

Having a generally good opinion of your spouse is crucial to keeping your marriage alive and well throughout the years.  Without respect and admiration, any argument  – no matter how small – will act as a fuse for the powder keg of negative emotions stored up in a relationship.

#2: Returning Fire

Your spouse just said something hurtful and you feel attacked.  What do you do?

In a threatening situation, the natural response would be to fight back.  That’s human instinct at work.

But in the context of marriage, obeying the urge to fire back can backfire.

Responding with equal hostility is not going to help the situation.  You may think you’re helping your partner see things from your perspective, but it’s like pouring gasoline on an open flame.

In effect, your partner will be further entrenched in his or her position and put you both in a gridlock all the more.

Accountability is one of the key traits of an ideal marriage.  As a couple, both of you need to be willing to own up to whatever mistakes you make along the way.

And that’s really the essence of a solid marriage: sharing EQUAL responsibility in all of your problems.  In relationships plagued by defensiveness, there’s a strong tendency for a couple to blame each other for the problem.

So while firing back may help you defend your wounded pride, it only compounds the problem by encouraging a relay match of blame.

To avoid getting caught in this pattern, look at the situation from your partner’s perspective – even if you don’t agree with it 100%.

What factors led your spouse to feel that way?  If you could do it again, what would you have done differently to prevent him or her from getting upset?

Going through this process can help you become open-minded enough to admit the mistakes you made on your side.

Couples who have been married for a long time are good at doing this.  It’s one of the hardest things you need to do in your marriage, but remember that your relationship is much more than the sense of indignation or pride you may sometimes feel.

So taking the first step to acknowledge your spouse’s feelings is a good example and ultimately creates space for compromise.

It the end, you’ll be both on your way to accepting a part of the problem – as small as that part may be.

# 3: Being Heavy-handed With Criticism

If your partner’s actions rubbed you the wrong way, your approach to discussing the issue makes all the difference.

Sadly, it’s very common for a lot of people to tear into their spouses right from the get-go.  And when you handle an emotionally-charged situation in such a rough manner, things will escalate pretty quickly.

This is why easing into the discussion is a key factor: it actually prevents a couple from triggering the first two problems previously mentioned (acting morally superior and firing back).

Make an effort to be more objective as you air out your side because it encourages the right mindset (i.e. not thinking you’re better than your spouse).  Furthermore, you’ll also set the right tone for the discussion and not force your partner into retaliating.

Understandably however, this is a tall order when you’re upset. It’s hard for anyone to be constructive with their criticism when emotions are in the way.  But if you take the “easy way” and give in to your anger, it will only make things worse.

So how do you get around this?  First, keep in mind that it’s actually ok to express your frustration.

You just have to remember that your complaints need to be directed at the situation; don’t blame the whole issue on your partner. You won’t make any progress by implying that the problem is a result of a perceived character flaw on your partner’s side.

One trick to doing this is through statements beginning with “I feel”, “I think” or “I wish”.  It keeps you from leveling accusations at your spouse and setting off a chain reaction of negative emotions.

In effect, your statements will become observations that encourage your spouse to step in and offer a solution.

Consider this example: a woman is frustrated about her husband’s lack of initiative when it comes to chores – which statement would make her husband more open to a compromise?

a) “You seem to really good with being out of sight when it’s time to take out the trash.  I guess you don’t care that our kitchen smells like a dump in the morning.”

b) “Hey, I know you’re tired and all, but I’m also out of steam in the evening – and it just bugs me that our trash is just sitting there while I’m doing the dishes and folding the laundry.  I’d really appreciate it if you took care of it.”

Both of these statements address the same problem, but the first one comes from a place of accusation, disapproval and worse, a desire to start a fight.

The second method of delivery brings up the topic in a more diplomatic tone.  Better yet, an invitation to solve the problem is included in the “package”.

Remember: even if your point is valid, it can be hard for your spouse to process hurtful criticism.  The objective is NOT to hurt, but to find a compromise.

If there’s anything you should learn today, it’s the importance of avoiding love-sapping habits in your relationship.  As a couple, you need to make sure that the reserve of positive emotions in your Love Bank is high.

Remember: the love and adoration you’ve saved up over time will bail you out when things get tough.  So be prudent and don’t make withdrawals when you don’t have to.

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How to Argue All The Time and Stay Together

In my last post The Key to a Happy Marriage, we talked about how Dylan and Sarah’s clashing opinions couldn’t be remedied by simply saying yes all the time.  Instead, they reached a compromise by introducing the willingness to be influenced in a relationship.

While a lot of couples may have different positions on an issue, it doesn’t mean they can’t meet halfway.  Taking the initiative to show this willingness sets the right tone and helps you be a good example to your spouse.

Today however, let’s focus on arguments, particularly with their frequency and intensity.

Let me ask you: do you believe that happy couples argue LESS than those who are headed for divorce?

Furthermore, do you think that couples who are focused on listening to each other are going to stay together compared to those who aren’t?

Well, the truth of the matter is that the stability of your marriage doesn’t depend on the frequency of your disagreements, or on a particular way they’re handled.

With the wrong mindset, there’s little to keep you from attacking each other during an argument – no matter how seldom or often you fight.

Neither will listening with empathy prevent you from cutting each other down – or worse, drift apart emotionally.

Instead, the longevity of your marriage depends on the foundation of friendship you’ve built over the years.

Think about this: things said during an argument can be interpreted either positively or negatively.  It all depends on the general level of friendship in a marriage.

For instance, if your partner expresses her frustration over your scattered clothes that are lying just outside the laundry hamper, it can be seen in two ways:

a)      She’s nagging you because she wants to give you a hard time

b)      It’s been a long day and her complaint wasn’t really directed at you

Ideally of course, you should see it in the second context.  But how do you cultivate the right kind of atmosphere which will keep both of you in the right frame of mind?

Saving Up For a Rainy Day

In our book, “Save My Marriage Today”, we encourage couples to invest in something we refer to as their “Love Bank”.  This concept is based on the amount of good emotions that are stored up which will help you weather tough times.

If the balance in your Love Bank is high, you’re less likely to fly off the handle whenever you get into aggressive discussions with your partner.  Moreover, a well-funded “account” will bail you out no matter how often you have disagreements.

Otherwise, even the slightest difference in opinion over trivial things could trigger a full-blown fight.

Getting Started

The quickest way to make “deposits” to your Love Bank is through small, everyday acts of kindness for your partner.

The problem is that some couples are focused on doing something drastic, like booking a weekend getaway for a luxury cruise.  While this sounds like a good idea, it doesn’t always translate into a big deposit.

It would be hard for a couple to spend the weekend together if there’s a high level of animosity between them.  Without a solid foundation of friendship to rest on, they’ll probably get on each other’s nerves the whole time!

So a lot of what we see on television or in the movies doesn’t really apply in real life.   A vacation is definitely something all couples need, but what about the other days of the year?

Seemingly “boring” stuff like doing your spouse’s least favorite chore or making sure they have something to eat at work isn’t exactly movie material, but the real-life impact is profound.

Think about how you are with your other friends.  You’re “on the same page” with them and get along well because you’re in a back-and-forth exchange of kind acts.

There is one caveat though: while doing things for each other is needed to build friendship, never keep score.  When you start computing in your head and keep track of who’s giving more, it undoes the purpose of making deposits.

The point is to build goodwill and make an effort to truly understand what makes each other happy.  Deposits are done selflessly to develop an intimate knowledge of what makes your partner tick.

Making Long-term Investments

Doing nice things from the heart gets you in the ballpark, but winning the game means going a bit deeper into your relationship.

Ask yourself: how well do you know your spouse?

Are you intimately familiar with the things that drive them?  Do you know what’s been bothering him or her lately?

Do you know where your spouse sees him or herself – and the relationship – in a few years’ time from now?

Couples who don’t really know or care about what’s going on in their partner’s head will have a harder time understanding where they’re coming from.  And like I said before, this will really come into play during arguments.

Without the proper perspective, statements said in a fight can be totally misunderstood and it will next to impossible to end such discussions on a constructive note.  How can you not take it personally if you can’t see each other as friends?

However, the good news is that you can start making changes today by simply asking them what their dreams are.  Think of questions which revolve around how you can better re-discover what makes your partner tick.

A person can change so much in five or ten years; you might think you already have your spouse figured out, but their inner world may have changed significantly since you last checked.

Stay on top of what’s going on in their heart and mind.  When the moment allows it, go up to your partner and ask, “What are your dreams?”

If you’re not comfortable with such a direct approach, initiate casual conversations that help answer this essential question.

Even brief discussions throughout the week will open your hearts to each other.  Eventually, you’ll be able to narrow the gap which may have developed over the years.

By reacquainting yourself with your partner’s emotional state, it will bring you closer to him or her.  In the long run, you’ll form a durable layer of friendship to deflect the blows of marital conflicts.

A Stronger Future

At the day’s end, doing selfless deeds and re-discovering your spouse’s inner world are two excellent ways to strengthen your Love Bank.  High amounts of friendship (i.e. a healthy Love Bank) is a safety net against the inevitable bad times in your marriage.

In other words, it makes it easier to take conflicts in stride when you know in the back of your mind that you love your spouse.

In the greater scheme of things, a well-maintained account will help you endure arguments throughout the duration of your marriage – no matter how frank or frequent they may be.

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Saying “Yes” All The Time: The Key to a Happy Marriage?

Dylan, a computer programmer from Sacramento, once asked me, “Is saying yes all the time the best way to a peaceful marriage?”

He came to me some time ago because of the problems that have been brewing in his relationship. During one of our meetings, Dylan described in detail the kinds of arguments he had with his wife Sarah – arguments which he felt would only be diffused after he started agreeing with her (even if he truly didn’t!).

He told me, “There was one time Sarah and I were bickering over attending a PTA (parent-teacher association) meeting at our son’s school. I was adamant over not going with her because I was already tired from work on that particular day.”

In the interest of keeping the peace, Dylan eventually took the usual route of complying with Sarah’s wishes – even though he had a very different opinion about being part of the PTA to begin with.

Compliance Is Not The Answer

“No Dylan, blindly saying ‘yes’ all the time won’t help your marriage in the long run,” was my flat-out answer.

“Eventually, you’ll resent her – and yourself – for agreeing so quickly just to get out of an argument,” I added.

In many ways, agreeing at the drop of a hat is refusing to engage with the issues chipping away at your marriage. On a larger scale, it’s also refusing to engage with your marriage as a whole.

This is a dangerous mindset to adopt because you should be working on nurturing the friendship you share with your spouse. Agreeing without really addressing the matter today will only fuel arguments about the same issue tomorrow.

I continued with Dylan: “I don’t think anyone would want to have a partner who acted like a doormat all the time.”

Should I Say “NO” More Often, Then?

Well, no. Giving out a “NO” as soon as your spouse opens up about something isn’t going to work either.

The extreme opposite, saying “no way” right off the bat, is just as counterproductive as saying “yes”.

Dr. John Gottman, the author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, says that it’s a matter of willing to be influenced.

A common problem with a lot of couples is that they treat it like they’re each standing on opposite sides of the spectrum, doomed to never agree on anything. The issues you deal with don’t have to be as polarizing as you might think.

What needs to be done instead is to reinvent the concept of agreeing and arguing with your spouse.

It’s better to look at it as a process of talking about what you don’t agree on; then, you move towards finding a common ground to stand on.

Don’t take the single-minded approach of trying to change the other person’s mind. This is something many couples are used to doing, and many times it’s an exercise in futility.

In fact, Dr. Gottman points out that most marital arguments can never be resolved.

We all have deep-seated personalities created by our individual backgrounds; this is where our values and principles come from.

More often than not, these things are non-negotiable and key decisions we make are based on this inner core. And sometimes this clashes directly against our partner’s perspective.

Most of the time, trying to change these aspects in your spouse is like changing their DNA code – it just can’t be done!

Turning The Tides

Since saying “yes” all the time isn’t the answer – and reactively saying “no” right away won’t help either – what should you do?

It’s all about the willingness to consider your spouse’s side even if their take on things might not mesh with yours. According to Dr. Gottman, agreeing with each other should be treated as an active process of finding common ground.

This is a sounder attitude than setting out to turn around your partner’s opinion (which is often next to impossible!).

In Dylan’s case, saying “yes” right away won’t help him – and neither will it help you!

He saw compliance as a “less confrontational” alternative to what he really wanted: to make Sarah agree with him that PTA meetings eat up their free time and add to their stress levels.

This is the wrong way to handle things. To better understand the roots of the issue, I asked Dylan to describe Sarah’s general personality.

According to him, she’s “a socially butterfly, with a warm and radiant aura.” He explained that being outgoing is just who Sarah is.

It then occurred to me that this is probably why being part of the PTA was so important to Sarah. She’s naturally extroverted and flourishes in situations which require social interaction.

In other words, it was an extension of Sarah’s personal traits.

In this scenario, Dylan couldn’t just make Sarah do a complete turnaround – but he could very well express his side and get her to meet him halfway.

And this is why reaching a compromise starts with an agreeable mindset; but this shouldn’t be confused with being a “yes man”. As we covered earlier, it doesn’t do the relationship any good by agreeing without thinking it through.

You can be a good example by expressing an openness to see what your partner is saying. This puts you in a good position to add your two cents to the matter.

It’s a lot easier for your partner to hear you out when you construct your statements along the lines of “Well, that’s an interesting idea, but this was also what I had in mind…”

So taking the initiative to say, “Why not?” to their side of the issue is creating an invitation for your partner to meet you halfway.

This is a great starting point for a healthy discussion about your wishes while considering your spouse’s own feelings in the process.

Agreeing to Disagree

So what if you don’t agree on everything you put on the table?  What matters more is that you both went through the motions of putting the issue on the table in the first place – that’s the breakthrough that you need to make.

This is an awesome approach because somewhere down the line, you’ll eventually hash out the common aspects you can agree upon. Don’t be discouraged that you and your spouse won’t see eye-to-eye on everything under the sun – it’s impossible to expect that from any couple.

With an approach and mindset based on agreeability, you’ll be left with a larger feeling of satisfaction…even if neither of you totally changed your minds about a certain issue.

And remember, this wouldn’t have been possible if you had simply just said “yes” without even trying to find any middle ground at all. Saying “yes” in this context is a cop-out.

(Nor would you make any progress with a flat-out “NO”.)

I drove this point home with Dylan, and he took my advice into serious consideration for later use in future discussions with his wife.

When we met again a month and a half later, he was happy to report that Sarah no longer made him come to every single PTA meeting that was scheduled at their son’s school.

Ultimately, they agreed on Sarah going to some meetings alone and together with Dylan during the others.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Dylan said. “I’d still rather stay at home and put on a DVD after work and Sarah is still passionate as before about making a difference at our kid’s school.”

“But after we talked about it a few times, we made some major progress and we’re no longer butting our heads over it,” he cheerfully added.

Dylan agreed to go to some of the PTA meetings when he wasn’t feeling too drained from the work day. He told Sarah that he understood how important being part of the PTA is to her, and that he’d like to support her even if he doesn’t see it the same way.

On the other hand, Sarah appreciated Dylan’s earnestness. She reciprocated by acknowledging that Dylan’s work is stressful during certain days of the week so he can’t be there during every single PTA meeting.

In the end, they still saw PTA participation from different perspectives, but a middle ground was forged in time.

I know that going through a similar exercise with your partner won’t always happen smoothly, especially if you’ve just started adopting this into your relationship.  However, you will benefit greatly by putting your relationship’s interests ahead of the initial discomfort of finding middle ground.

In my next entry, I’ll talk about how you can make your marriage an easier place for reaching a compromise even if things may get heated, so stay tuned for that.