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Before You Say Another Word
Seven mistakes to avoid when your marriage is in trouble, and what to do instead
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The first days of a marriage crisis
When a husband or wife finds out how serious the trouble in their marriage is, the first thing they usually do is panic. It works like an autopilot: you do the first thing that comes into your head and hope the right words will come as you speak.
Save My Marriage Today!, the course by Amy Waterman and Andrew Rusbatch, calls this "damage control", and says that in many cases it does far more damage to your chances of saving your marriage.
One of its chapters opens with a letter from Brad in Miami. His wife came home from work and told him she was unhappy and had been for a long time. Brad cried and pleaded with her to stay for the children. When that didn't work he got angry, accused her of not making enough effort and asked if she was having an affair. His letter ends: "Everything I do or say to her just seems to be making it worse."
If you recognise yourself in Brad, this short guide is for you. It walks through the seven mistakes the course asks you to avoid, in its own order, and what to do in place of each one.
Mistake 1: Trying to fix it as quickly as possible
Most marriage problems build up over a long time and carry a lot of feeling. The urge to fix everything tonight is natural, and the course calls it the first mistake. Rushing to a solution can make your spouse's feelings look small.
What to do instead: Acknowledge what your spouse feels, and deal with the issues in a calm, considered way, one at a time.
Mistake 2: Saying "It wasn't me"
When you find out there is a problem, the next instinct is to deny your part in it and decide the real trouble is your spouse's selfishness or the way they talk to you. Responsibility may not be split evenly, but the course says the solution lies with both of you.
What to do instead: Ask yourself the course's question: which is more important, being right or being together?
Mistake 3: Begging for forgiveness
Pleading and promising to change in the first hours of a crisis does great damage to your credibility, the course says. Many people who beg can't yet say which of their actions led to the trouble, and a spouse who is already unhappy notices.
What to do instead: Resist the urge to beg. Acknowledge that there is a problem, listen, and understand your own part in it. If you are guilty of what you are accused of, your actions will rebuild trust over time.
Mistake 4: Giving up because your spouse has
If you don't believe your marriage can be saved, you will find it very hard to convince your spouse. The course says this is when your heart needs to be in it, and that self-pity gets you nowhere.
What to do instead: Remember that while you can't control what your spouse does, you have complete control over how you react. Find ways to channel your stress, reconnect with friends and let yourself smile again. A calm, focused person is far easier to come home to.
Mistake 5: Believing "I'm not in love with you" means it's over
The rush of romance at the start of a relationship fades, the course says, anywhere from six months to the first two or three years. When a spouse says they are no longer "in love", they are reacting to a transition.
What to do instead: See it as the point where both of you are being called to a deeper level of loving, and respond to it calmly.
Mistake 6: Suggesting a trial separation
The course calls this a BIG mistake and says a trial separation should never be a first option. Time apart rarely gives you the thinking time you hoped for. Mostly it teaches you both to live as individuals, and once you have adjusted to that, saving the marriage becomes much harder.
What to do instead: If you need space, spend the day in separate places and keep living together and keeping your routine while you work through what is wrong.
Mistake 7: Wishing you had your old life back
Wanting things back the way they were can lead couples to stop talking about their problems. The issues stay hidden for months or years, and then come back with more force.
What to do instead: Acknowledge what has gone wrong and understand each other's point of view first. Only then can the marriage move forward.
Three things to try this week
Make deposits in your Love Bank
Save My Marriage Today! describes every marriage as having a Love Bank. Loving, thoughtful acts and words make deposits, and hurtful, careless ones make withdrawals. Happy couples keep a high balance.
There is one catch. If you resent the giving, remind your spouse how much you have given, or add "Now you have to do this for me," the course says the deposit is null and void. This week, make three small deposits and say nothing about them.
Rate what really comes first
This exercise comes from the same chapter. Rate each activity from 1 (highly important) to 10 (unimportant), then look at where your spouse sits on the list.
| Rating | Activity |
|---|---|
| Keeping the house clean, the lawn mowed and so on | |
| Clubs, committees or classes | |
| Sports or hobbies | |
| Putting in more hours at work | |
| Spending time with friends | |
| Spending time with family | |
| Spending time with your spouse |
The course points out that neglecting your job or your chores has consequences, and so does neglecting your marriage. One of the first signs is growing apart.
Choose your opening words carefully
If you decide to talk to your spouse about the marriage, the course asks you to avoid two openings. "I think we need to talk about our marriage" is so vague that your spouse expects the worst. Saying you've read that you need to "work on" the relationship suggests something is broken and that they aren't doing enough. Start somewhere gentler.
The course these ideas come from
Everything in this guide comes from Save My Marriage Today!, a 158-page course in 20 chapters by Amy Waterman and Andrew Rusbatch. It covers the life cycle of a marriage, conflict, money, in-laws, the children, sex and intimacy, infidelity and trust, getting your spouse to change their attitude and getting your spouse to fall back in love with you.
It has 38 exercises, each marked Do Yourself or Do Together, so you can start on your own even if your spouse isn't ready. It also comes with Book 2 for marriages in extreme crisis, a personal email consultation with the Save My Marriage Today team and five bonus books.
It costs $49.95 once, downloads straight away and comes with a 60-day, 100% money-back guarantee.
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This guide is shared by {{AFFILIATE_NAME}}. The ideas in it come from Save My Marriage Today! by Amy Waterman and Andrew Rusbatch, and are used with permission.
This information is not designed to replace the advice of a registered relationship counselor. While SaveMyMarriageToday endeavors to provide helpful and workable advice for dating and relationships, face-to-face consultations with a registered professional are still recommended. Information contained in this guide is provided 'as is,' without warranty of any kind. The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the information is assumed by the user, and in no event shall SaveMyMarriageToday be liable for any consequential, incidental or direct damages suffered in the course of using the information in this guide. The information and recommendations are intended as an informative guide only and do not guarantee any kind of success or permanent fix. Results may vary.
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